A/N: Sorry that I wrapped the whole California trip up in one chapter.
"T'is the Magic Kingdom!" Avery squealed, spinning in a circle, arms raised to the sky and eyes closed in excitement. "The most Happiest Place on Earth!"
She continued to spin joyously finally stopping in favor of jumping up and down.
"I wanna see what is going on up there! Are they going to open the rides soon? I want to go on them all! Sarah, aren't you so stoked?"
"Yeah, I can't wait to see everything."
"Mama! Mama, when we get up there, take a picture of me next to Walt an' Mickey! Then send it to mine Jo so hers can show Thomas and Thomas can be joyous for me!"
"Okay, but you're going to have to stand still long enough for me to take a picture."
"That means settle down a bit," Adam chuckled, reaching over to lift her off the ground and onto his shoulders.
"Okay daddy, I will try but see here, this is so very, very wonderful, I cannot keep all my feelings inside. Where is that churro stand? I want one of those things."
"Don't worry honey, we'll get to it all. Just enjoy the moment."
"Oh believe me, I am! Ben! Hey Ben! Look, I see the Little Mermaid! I always want to be her!"
"Here, I will get your book outta my bag," he chuckled. "Then you will be ready for an autograph."
She leaned down and grabbed it from him, opening it to the first page and tapping her pen against her chin.
"I wonder what other famous people I will see today."
Isa was laughing so hard she'd had to sit down on a bench, and the rest of the kids were trying to hide so Avery wouldn't see how amused they were at her enthusiasm.
The speakers boomed out the morning announcement and Avery began to cry happy tears.
"Daddy! They said to walk to yours first 'estination! That means it is open! We can go in! Yahoo!"
She bounced up and down on Adam's shoulders until he was forced to return her to the ground and hold tightly to her hand.
"What's first? Oh please may we go on a ride?"
"I think Splash Mountain was everyone's first pick, so we'll head over there and get in line. Are you going to be good while we wait?"
"Oh yes daddy. There is so much stuff to look at! Hey Ariel! ARIEL! I need your name in my book!"
She wriggled her hand from Adam's and dashed a few feet away to the character who was more than happy to see her.
"Sarah, come an' take a picture with me! It will be the most best one ever!"
Sarah obliged and Avery couldn't control her happiness beyond the few seconds it took to take the picture.
"Thanks, Ariel!" she said with a grin. "I really like yours hair! I wish mine would be that much red someday. I am getting tired of orange."
"Averylin, c'mon honey. We have to get moving."
"Alright! Thanks for the autograph miss Ariel! Have a most wonderful day and do not forget yours sunscreen!"
She dashed back to the group and skipped along happily as they walked to the first ride. She was excited to be here because of all that rides and characters and other things to see of course. But mostly she loved how excited her daddy had been to bring the kids here. It delighted her that it was something he'd dreamed about and she couldn't wait to see all the things that he'd wanted to show her since before he even knew she would come to be. It boggled her little mind that he could have thought of her even then.
"Hey Tink look over there!"
"The Tiki Room you telled me about! Can we go to there later?"
"Maybe. Mama's not a fan of the Tiki Room."
"But it's enchanted! Oh mama, so silly."
"Yeah, silly mama. And look, there's Indiana Jones. That wasn't here when I was a kid."
"Oh daddy, daddy! LOOK! It's the Jungle Cruise! I can't wait until I need a rest so we can go on it! How long until we get to Splash Mountain? I can hardly hold in all my feels!"
He laughed and they caught up with everyone else, exclaiming about all the things they saw. Once they arrived at their destination Avery had to be peeled away from the entrance, as she was standing awestruck that the time had finally arrived. The line was moving swiftly, especially for such a busy day, and the kids were content to look around and chatter to each other about all that was going on.
Colton and Isa avoided each other as much as possible. Neither one of them were really that mad anymore and they missed each other, but it was hard for either one of them to know what to say. The rest of the kids didn't notice very much and the parents were long past trying to interfere in that relationship, so they just let it go for now.
"Mama! Are we going to ride in those logs?" Avery asked after a while, almost dancing.
"We sure are. You excited?"
"So, so, very most! I am so thrilled mama! I just cannot even think about it."
Isa giggled and stepped over, pulling Avery into a hug.
"Your excitement makes me really happy, Avery. I love to see you smiling like this so much."
"Yeah? Well that's good. I very much like this big hug from you too, Isa. It is most nice."
In a few moments they were boarding the boats and Avery was dancing in her seat, partially in delight and partly with nerves. She reached back and held Ben's hand tightly and he gave her shoulder a squeeze.
"Remember sissy, getting scared is the funnest part. And I am right here, I won't let anything happen to you."
"Even when we go down the waterfall?"
"Yep. You might get a little wet, but that will be okay because it's hot out! Right Cole?"
"Yep. See if you can spot Brer Bear. I hear his butt makes an awful lot of appearances."
Avery cracked up as the ride started, butterflies in her stomach as she looked at all the details.
"A Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah ride," she repeated with a grin. "Here we go! See ya on the flip-side, Messers!"
Adam snickered and Lindsay bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing, but it was to no avail. They were both utterly amused by their high-strung child.
"Oh! Oh, is this the big drop?"
"Not yet sissy, just wait."
"Oh my, the anticipation is killing me! Is that the big drop over there? It is huge!"
"Yep. It's okay sissy, I will hold onto you."
"Alright. I really like this sprightly tune they are playing. It makes me feel happy. Maybe I will listen to it when I am upset. Yes, that will be fine. Ooh, we are dropping! Ahh!" she hollered, throwing her arms up in the air. "That was fun! It made my tummy dance! And I gotted wet. MAMA! I gots Disneyland water in my shoes!"
An eruption of laughter came from the Messers in the boat behind them.
"This is such a great ride!" she continued loudly. "Aren't you excited Ben?"
"Yep! Look, we're coming to another drop."
"Another drop, Messers!" she shouted. "Hold onto yours hats! Here we go!"
The log flume shot down the drop, covering them in water. Normally Avery would have been upset about her hair getting wet but this time she just grinned and splashed her feet in the water that was standing in the bottom of the boat.
"Wow, it is dark in here! I like it! Lookit Brer Bear, he is getting dipped in the water! How silly! I would love to live in a place like this with all the animals."
She hummed along with the background music until they dropped again and she gripped Ben's hand.
"I was not prepared for that. Walt Disney should have thinked of how scary it is to fall in the dark before he maked this ride. Oh well, I will forgive him. Uh-oh, this looks freaky! Is this the big drop? Coley, is this it?"
"Yeah it is."
"They are singing a song of caution! We are going to die! Oh no, I want to go back. We maked a terrible decision!"
"It's okay Aves. I promise. It's just a big drop and it won't be in the dark, okay?"
"But look at them vultures! Vultures is bad news!"
"I won't let anything happen to you sissy."
Avery trembled with nerves, calming just slightly when Ben reached around to wrap both of his arms around her waist.
"Now sissy, you can scream as loud as you want," he explained as they started the ascent. "That's part of the thrill. But try to keep your eyes open or you will miss it."
There was a second where they reached the crest of the hill that Avery was able to stare down at the waterfall. Too scared to scream, she clutched at Ben's arms and took a deep breath as they went over.
"We lived!" she shouted, once the boat had splashed down and the lively music started up again. "Messers, we lived! Did y'all live?"
"We lived, Aves!" Junior shouted with a laugh.
"Oh good. Whew, that was fun! It wasn't even scary at all!"
"Hey kids, here comes the picture of us going down the waterfall," Adam said, causing all three kids to look up at the screen and burst into laughter. Avery's face was screwed up into one of pure terror while everyone else in the boat was smiling.
"Oh boy, I sure looked frightened. Shall we buy that picture?"
"I think we have to."
The ride came to the end and they all exited the boats, meeting up in the gift shop to purchase their family pictures.
"We could hear Avery the entire time," Austin noted with a laugh. "I think that was the best part of the ride."
"I wonder if she's going to make commentary about everything the whole time."
"I hope so."
By lunchtime the kids were hot, tired, and hungry, the trifecta in certain in-fighting. While Adam and Danny went to procure food, Lindsay and Austin came up with a solution befitting of the Magic Kingdom, and sentenced all the kids to a ride on "It's a Small World."
"I wonder if they'll hate us after this," Austin grinned, waving at the kids as they headed into the ride. Isa scowled back.
"Maybe, but they might love each other more, going through something so horrible together."
"I think this is the best vacation of all time."
"I agree."
"I've never seen Danny really act like a kid before."
"Both of our men look about twenty years younger."
"Or more."
They lapsed into silence for a moment, people watching and enjoying the semi-quiet.
"How's Adam's sister doing?"
"Okay I think," Lindsay answered. "I mean, she says she's doing well, but I don't know if either one of us really trust her yet."
"Do you think living at home is going to help her?"
"Time will tell," Lindsay answered, swatting at a fly. "She sounds a lot better when we call but I don't know if she really is getting better or getting by."
"She's in counseling?"
"Yeah, we helped her find someone that specializes in addiction, even though I wouldn't call her an alcoholic, she's got that mindset."
"Is Adam taking it okay?"
"I think so. He's relieved that we managed to get her some help. And I think he's starting to realize that it's not his fault, so that helps too."
"Are you guys doing any better?"
"We managed to reconnect-"
"Gross."
"I didn't mean in that way, although…"
"Gross."
"You're a prude. Anyway, things are better, or they've at least gotten to the point where I can see better from where I'm standing. We're talking."
"Good. Things were kind of iffy there for a bit."
"I know. We're trying to just enjoy the trip and when we get home we'll figure it out. I'm not sure why he shut me out so much and I'm not sure why it made me so mad either. I have a feeling it has less to do with everything that happened this last year, and more to do with the last fourteen years of marriage."
"That sounds bleak."
"We've always worked through things," Lindsay started, chewing on her lip. "We talk about things when we're upset, but I think sometimes we just hold back and get over it rather than talking it out."
"You two need to learn that fighting and being angry with each other is okay. There's nothing wrong with it."
"I know."
"And you can love him even if you sometimes don't like him."
"I know that too."
"You guys have always had this perfect relationship and I think you kid yourselves into thinking that you have to keep up this façade of happy and getting along all the time, but you don't. You have to be honest with each other and yourselves. Sometimes it's not all roses."
"Yeah. We'll get there again, it'll just take time and patience, from both of us."
"Well if anything, you don't seem as sad as you have been lately."
"I'm not."
"Okay then, one more thing."
Lindsay sighed and nodded gently, knowing what Austin was going to ask, and answering for her first.
"We're both nervous about meeting these people. We keep telling ourselves it will help but we're well aware that it might not. Guess we're waiting to find out."
"It'll be okay."
"I hope so. It's so strange. I guess it's worth a lot that we were able to help them complete their adoption and I don't regret that choice at all. I just wish we never had to make it."
"I wish we knew if she was okay."
"I think it's better not knowing. I mean, if I could know she was okay, that means I could know that she wasn't. It's so much easier to believe that things went the way they should have, that someone adopted her."
"I really hope someone did. That they saw in her what we all saw."
"Me too."
It wasn't long before the small boat carrying all the kids emerged from the ride. The six were in various states of distress. Sarah looked the least bothered, and was rolling her eyes semi-dramatically. Ben and Junior were complaining loudly while Colton grumped with his arms across his chest. Isa was plugging her ears and shaking her head, and sitting in the front row, Avery was crying loudly.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Lindsay asked, helping her off of the boat once it stopped.
"Mama, I will have that song stuck inside my mind forever and ever!" she hiccupped, wiping her eyes. "It's a most small world, I get the point! An' now it is inside my brain again and again and again!"
"Averylin, let's think about another song."
"Hey, how 'bout the one that gets on everyone's nerves?" Ben suggested happily.
"No!" Lindsay and Austin snapped in unison, leading the kids across Fantasyland to the picnic area.
"Hey-o, at least us kids aren't fightin' anymore!" Junior reminded them. "Now we know the real meaning of a bad day. Getting stuck on that ride for centuries!"
"Daniel, do not even joke 'bout that," Avery sighed, rubbing at her eyes. "I really would like a after-lunch nap, mama. Do they got a big sleepin' place here for us?"
"No they don't sweetie."
"How will I have a rest?"
"It's okay Avery," Austin chuckled. "We'll go see the Mr. Lincoln exhibit or go on the train. The rest of us will have something to do and you really won't miss anything."
"That is a good idea, Austin. Now, is it time to call Jo an' check on my Thomas baby?"
"Boy Aves, you sure love that dog, don't ya?"
"Of course I do, Daniel! Her's my precious baby-child. I love her with all my heart, even when she smells."
"That's good. Someday you'll probably be a pretty good mom for some human kids."
"You think so? Oh, that makes me happy. I want for nothing else but to be a mom. Or to have a cheese factory!"
She giggled to herself and wiped the rest of her tears away, happily taking Isa and Sarah's hands, jumping over cracks as they walked.
"Sorry we made you do that, buddy," Lindsay started, squeezing Colton's shoulder.
"Nah, it was okay. The song is annoying of course but it was funny to watch how mad Ben and Junior got over it all."
"How kind of you."
"I really wish that Teagan and Liam were here too. It would be even more fun with more of us kids."
"I agree. Crazier, I'm sure."
"Well yeah, that's what makes it fun."
She pulled him close and kissed the top of his head, realizing that she didn't have to lean down as far as she used to. She wasn't sure where he had gotten his height genes from but she was hoping he might slow down just a little bit.
"Lookit, there's daddy an' Danny!" Avery shouted, pointing across the way. "They have food! Whoopie!"
"I'm famished!" Ben said, taking Avery's hand. "Let's run and help them find a place to sit!"
"That ride seemed to work miracles," Austin commented quietly enough that only Lindsay heard. "Think we could get one built in our neighborhood?"
She hadn't planned on doing this, but the moment she saw the ocean, she knew she couldn't leave without this closure. She'd been thinking about it for the last few days, and as they were going to leave in the morning, she knew it had to be now.
As the rest of the family played in the sand, she sat down near the water and put pen to paper. It was something she'd wanted to do for a long time but had never had the time or the calmness of mind to get it done. Her fingers tapped across the page as she thought, staring out over the ocean. She knew that this letter would never get to the addressee, but it still had to be perfect, just right. It still had to give her some kind of closure.
Dear sweet Rebecca,
I love you so much and I don't even know where to begin. You were mine from the moment I laid eyes on you. I couldn't imagine my life without you in it, and this family hasn't been the same since that day. I can't even explain how much I love you and will always love you because no words in the world can really describe it. You are treasured beyond reason, little girl. I love you with everything I have in me. I wish I could show you that, I wish I could hold you in my arms and say those words and show you what they really mean. I long to see your smile and to hear your laughter and feel you breathing against me.
You've taught me so many things, things I never even knew I was missing out on. They talk about mothers having a fierce love for their children. I felt that with your brothers and sister from the second I knew I was pregnant. I felt it with you immediately too. That's how I knew you were mine. I was worried that I was going to have to convince your daddy, but he knew it too. You were meant to be ours from the beginning of time.
We were so excited to bring you home. Sometimes at night I still wake up and think of all the things I need to do to get ready before I remember that you don't get to come home, and we don't get to have you here.
There is still that dream of you in my heart and that will never go away. I will always keep you close to me and tell anyone that will listen all about you. You are my daughter, no matter where you are, no matter how much time passes. I love you more than the breaths of this life and you are mine for all eternity. Someday, somehow I hope to be with you, to show you that love you never got, to comfort you when you're scared and laugh with you when you're happy. You are my most precious angel and I love you more than I can say.
Love, Mama
She read the letter over three times and let her tears fall on the bottom of the page before taking a deep breath and reaching for the glass bottle next to her.
"Hey babe, what are you doin'?"
She gave a half smile as he dropped down into the sand beside her, and handed him the paper. He started to read then shook his head.
"You don't have to share this with me."
"I want to. Unless you don't want to read it."
"No, I do," he confirmed, starting from the beginning again. She tried not to look at him as he read, instead tipping her head up to the breeze and closing her eyes, finding peace in the fact that the world kept spinning.
Adam was quiet, handing the letter back to her and watching as she gently rolled it and stuffed it in the bottle, placing the cork on top.
"It's time for me to let go of her, Adam," she said softly. "I don't know if it's time for you but it's time for me. It's not like I love her less and it's not that I worry about her less, but I can't spend the rest of my life in a worst case scenario."
"Me neither."
They sat quietly for a while and he reached over and gave her knee a little squeeze, a confirmation of the fact that they were finally hovering near the same page. After a few minutes she rose to her feet and walked to the water, standing still for a while before she threw the bottle as hard as she could. She didn't wait to see where it splashed, instead just hoped that it would be carried far, far away from land.
She returned to the dry sand and sat down, curling herself into Adam's arms and letting a few tears fall. It felt good to finally let go, but it also hurt and she knew that it was going to take some time to fully settle into it, but it was the way she needed to go, at least right now.
Not a word was spoken between them as they sat, watching the sun dip below the horizon, marveling at the sunset that they so rarely got to witness over the water. Her head leaned on his shoulder and he pulled her closer, knowing that the physical distance could be filled, but the emotional distance was going to take some time.