Spellbound
I know that my A/Ns are little redundant but here we go again. I had one guest reviewer say that Eric raped Sookie. He did NOT rape her. The shower scene was NOT a rape scene. I'd also like to say that the fact that Sookie had sex had nothing to do w/the spring fever in Fae. That was just an easier way for her to accept what she was doing. She wanted to be with him. She loves him. When Sookie said that she didn't love him, she didn't mean it. Those things that she said in the shower were for her benefit. She got lost in the moment and it frightened her …nothing more, nothing less.
She wanted to hide.
She wanted to run.
She wanted to run as far away as she possibly could go.
She wanted to wrap the sheet around her body and run as far away from this situation as she could. Sookie couldn't help but think that once again, she'd opened her already vulnerable heart to more pain and heartache. She was ashamed of herself for giving herself to him so freely. She was already broken. Sleeping with him was only going to make things worse. The more she thought about it, the more frightened she became.
Eric seemed oblivious to what she was going through. The more he talked, the more she tensed against his body. She saw in his eyes that he knew that something was wrong but he said nothing. He continued to hold her; pulling her closer into his body. It was as if he was determined to make her stay with him. He wasn't going to let her run from this; from them. That was not an option for either of them.
Eric continued to whisper in her ear; kiss her here and there. When he tried to pull her closer, he could no longer ignore the obvious. She wouldn't let him.
"Let me go," she whispered.
Reluctantly, he did. Since they'd made love, she'd been behaving strangely. Eric could see it in her eyes and he could feel it in her touch that she wanted to be with him but now, now she wanted nothing to do with him. She didn't want him to touch her or kiss her. She was suddenly so distant. He couldn't understand why. He never would've forced himself on her. He began to wonder if that was why she wanted him to let her go. Was she afraid of him? Did she think that he was going to make her stay with him against her will? He wouldn't do that to her. He wouldn't hurt her; not again.
Please, let it be something else.
"Do you want to go and shower? I mean, for real this time? I can wash your back for you … your hair." He was doing all that he could to make her relax.
"No," she said. She didn't get out of the bed. She slid up on her pillow and just laid there. She lay on her side with her hands folded underneath her head and stared at his chest. She wasn't going to run and she wasn't going to hide. She was going to stay and face the music.
"Look at me, lover," he demanded softly.
When her eyes remained glued to his chest, Eric mumbled something about how stubborn his little fae is. He lifted her face to his until she finally looked into his eyes. He didn't see fear and he didn't see disdain and anguish. What he saw was resolve; unrequited resolve.
When he saw that she wasn't going to leave, an unnecessary sigh of relief escaped him. He mimicked her position and returned the stare. He could see what was coming next. After she'd told him that she was going to give their marriage a chance, he thought that he'd prepared himself for this moment. He knew that the talk was coming. He was ready for the talk. Well, he thought that he was ready for the talk. He is over a thousand years old and he's fought in some of the fiercest battles ever and he made it out on top. Sometimes without so much as a scratch. He'd matched wits with the best of them and he always prided himself on being able to stand on his own. He always came out on top but tonight. Tonight was going to be different. There was so much in her eyes. He could feel every emotion that she was going through. Though he would never admit it, he was afraid of what she would have to say. He decided to have his say first.
"I'm going to do everything in my power to fix this, Sookie," he whispered. It sounded as if the words had been torn from his heart. "We can talk about things now or either we can wait. Whatever you want to do, I'll do it. Just don't leave."
She stared at him for a few seconds more. She knew that she wanted to make this work. Even though she kept second guessing herself and what she was going to do, she knew now that she wanted to save her marriage. She's always known.
"I think I loved you before I even knew what love was," she finally said. "Grandmother always told me that I would be safe with you because you were the one chosen for me. She said that you are my protector, my true mate. Did you know that she chose you just for me?"
"I did."
"After all that's been said and done, I wanted to hate you but I couldn't. I kept changing my mind over and over again about trying to make this work because I was afraid. I was determined that I wasn't going to waste one more second with you. I didn't want to love you and I sure as hell didn't want to spend the rest of my existence with you but if I am going to be honest with myself, I've never wanted anything more. I'm vulnerable when it comes to you. Why is that?" She looked deep into his eyes and asked, "Why can't I say no to you and stick with it?"
"Because your grandmother is right," he answered. "We are meant to be, Sookie. The night that you told me that you were leaving me, I saw my life end. But tonight, while we were making love, something happened. I don't know what it was or care what it was. I just know that I'm not going anywhere. I'll spend the rest of my days loving you if you'll let me."
And she believed him. With her very heart, she believed every word he'd just said. "I was going to. Leave, I mean. I was going to leave you laying here and never come back. You were never going to find me. I was afraid that we'd made a mistake and that you would go back to the way you used to be after we made love. When you called me lover, just as you used to do, it scared me."
He shamefully placed his hand on her naked hip. What could he say? She had every reason to be apprehensive. It was only natural. He wouldn't have expected anything else from her.
"I was weak tonight," she said disgracefully.
"No, you weren't weak. We both wanted this." He pulled her closer to him; wrapping his arms around her protectively. "This … tonight … was the first right thing we've done in a very long time. No, I take that back. It's the first right thing I've done since we've been married. Tonight … everything; and that includes our lovemaking, was right. It was perfect."
"Nothing between us is going to be perfect until we do what has to be done. The damage that's been done to us … to our marriage; it is going to be irreparable if we don't do what we need to do to fix this." She could see the hurt in Eric's eyes. He was thinking that she was going to turn away from him again.
"Listen, Eric," she said as she placed her hand on his cheek. "I can't place all of the blame on you when it comes to the demise of this marriage. When I realized that you weren't going to love me as I thought, I should've gone about this marriage as the contract that it was supposed to be but I didn't. I wanted more. I wanted the Eric that I fell in love with in Faery. I wanted happiness and love. I wanted it all."
Eric scooted in closer to her and said, "Let me explain. There is a reason I did what I did. Firstly, I have to say that there is no valid reason for me doing what I did but there is a reason just the same."
"Fintan," she said simply.
"You know."
"I know."
"Claudette?"
"Claudette and grandmother," she answered. "Grandmother heard him on the phone with you the night that you called him; the night that she came to see me." She gave him a small smile.
"When did Claudette tell you?"
"She told me before we went on vacation. She told me in a rather harsh way but I don't blame her," she answered. "Just as usual, where she's concerned, I was defending Fintan and it pissed her off. She wanted me to see what he really is. And boy did she show me. She said that grandmother called her home and told her everything. Grandmother bestowed the duty upon Claudette to tell me that Fintan had a hand in destroying our marriage."
Eric couldn't believe what he was hearing. He'd always assumed that she would have taken her grandfather's side. He thought that she would never forgive him for the things he'd done to her. Deep down, he knew that she shouldn't forgive him so easily but forgiveness is just as much a part of her as her stubbornness is. It has always been a part of who she is. He's never met anyone that could hold a candle to her.
"I've made mistakes, Sookie. I've made very stupid mistakes and I can't take them back. For centuries, I've lived my life without regret. That is until you entered my life. I regret every bad thing I've ever done to you or said to you. It pains me to know that I let you believe that I was fucking the fangbangers. I let you believe that you didn't matter to me when you are all that I can think about. I was wrong."
She nodded. "Yeah, you were. We'll chalk it up to a bad judgment call. What hurts the most is that you couldn't decipher for yourself that I love you. I love you and you let Fintan's evil and conniving tricks take our happiness away. I hate him for what he's done to us. I hate him for what he did to you; what he had you believing."
Her pain and heartache slowly coursed through his body. Eric rested his forehead against hers and moaned a soulful moan. He felt like a fool before the eyes of the woman that he loves. He regretted all that he has done to her. He had no right to expect her to stay with him. He had no right to expect her to forgive him or to work on their marriage. Anything that she had to offer him, he had no right to take.
"You could've come to me," she said.
"Let me feel it," he said.
That's the way it's supposed to work. She's supposed to remove the bad feelings. She's never supposed to give them to anyone else. She's never given pain to anyone as a punishment no matter how awful the being. She soothed away the pain and the fear. It's her job for them to see a better way; not to cause them pain.
Sookie shook her head no as she talked. "That's not why I'm saying these things to you. We needed to talk things over before we take things any further. It's not my intentions to have you do this. I would never …"
"Let me feel it," he ordered. He wanted to see what he'd done to her. He wanted to know how he'd made her feel. It was his just punishment. "I don't blame you. Please, let me feel it."
Sookie could see that Eric was serious in his need to see what he'd put her through. She lay on her back and opened her arms for him. He rested his head on her chest and she stroked his head as he relived the worst moments of her life with him.
He felt her humiliation when he would take the fangbangers in his office. He saw that the stares in the bar never made her falter. She'd sit even taller and smile even brighter. She'd carry on conversations with the patrons as if nothing happened but he could feel her heartbreaking and her soul shattering. He felt the pain in her soul and saw the torment in her eyes when he would 'fuck' her and not kiss her. He felt the loneliness that she had to endure when they would be standing side by side when they went to the summits. The embarrassment that she felt when they would dance and there would be enough room for another couple in between them. She would watch him laughing with the others at the summits and she would wish that he would be so carefree and happy with her. Her pain and humiliation were more than he could bear. The bloody tears fell from his eyes and stained his pale white face.
Sookie kissed his forehead just as she stopped the memories. "That's enough. Don't ask me to that to you again." Her voice was hard and cold. "Fintan used you to do what he wanted you to do. You don't know my grandfather." She chuckled. "I didn't know my grandfather. I never realized how deceitful and hateful he is. I used to think that my grandfather cared about me. He knowingly let me go into this marriage thinking that you would always love me when he knew what he'd done. He knew that my heart would be broken and that loving you would be my biggest regret." Speaking to herself, she said, "That's what he wanted and he almost got what he wanted."
Eric looked at Sookie and asked, "What do you mean?"
"He didn't want me to love you," she answered. "He didn't want you to be my chosen one. Fintan was cruel in his quest. He almost destroyed us. I just wish that you had trusted me enough to come to me."
Eric was about to explain to Sookie how Fintan used him. He wanted her to see what Fintan had shown him to doubt her but, alas, she was not interested. "It doesn't matter anymore. He doesn't want us to love one another. He doesn't want me to share my gifts with you; our blessings. He wanted them to be with another." With a far off look on her face, she said, "I see it now. The dream was of the life that awaits me if we falter. We were to be no more than a contract."
"Do you forgive me?" he asked.
"My dearest Eric, there is no need for apologies. We can't change the past. Fintan almost destroyed us but he didn't. I'm over that now. We will get past this. So don't apologize. There's no need."
Was she saying that no matter what they were going to get through this? Was she telling him that they could endure anything that was put in front of them? Was she telling him that any enemy that tried to defeat them would fall at their feet? He needed to know the answers to his questions and he needed to know now.
"Is this good-bye?" he asked stiffly as he instantly sat in front of her. "Are you saying good-bye to me?"
She decided not to answer him right away. There was more that she needed to say and even though she knew that it was going to be hard on him, he needed to listen. It was the only way they were going to make it.
Standing up from the bed, she looked at him and said, "You've always known that I love you. You were a pawn in Fintan's hateful game. We both were but we won't let him win. We can't change the past but we can better our future."
"You're staying with me?" he asked as he followed her lead of getting out of the bed.
She smiled at him but didn't answer him. Men; he hadn't heard a word she'd said.
"I'm going to fight for us."
"Tell me why you think that we should stay together Eric. Tell me why you love me."
Eric pulled her into his arms and rested his chin on the top of Sookie's head as he told her why he loves her. "Because you're smart and funny," he said as he kissed the top of her head. "Your zest for life is greater than anyone I've ever known. You're adventurous and you have the most beautiful smile. You smell like honey when you get nervous and your eyes sparkle when you're angry. And you have a heart of gold; a soul of pure love."
Taking a step back so that he could look into her eyes, he said, "I love you, Sookie. We don't have to make love. We don't have to go and visit my friends and I won't intrude in on movie night. And I won't stand in front of the TV while you're watching it. I'll remember that Cate Blanchett is your favorite actress. I will remember that you love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I love you. You have to believe me."
"I believe you." Lightly kissing his lips, Sookie said, "I'm not going anywhere."
His face remained neutral but his eyes were filled with pure, unadulterated joy. "If it weren't so close to dawn, I'd tell you why I love you for as long as you would listen to me," he said.
He looked into her eyes and he saw everything that he has ever wanted but never thought he would have again because of he and Fintan had done. The look that he saw in her eyes was the same look that she had when he'd first walked into her grandparents' palace. No matter what she said or what she did, she has never faltered in her love for him. She said that she wasn't in love with him. She said that she wasn't going to stay with him. She said that she didn't want to bother with him any longer but her eyes told him differently.
"I don't deserve you," he said. He looked down at her and his face was a plethora of emotions; melancholy, remorse, and anguish.
Sookie felt sorry for him because she knew that all that happened between them was not entirely his fault. The blame was to be shared. "You do."
"I'm so sorry," he groaned. "I'm so sorry for more things than you can possibly imagine."
"Eric, don't," Sookie started. "You don't have to keep apologizing …"
He didn't let her finish. Before lifting Sookie in his arms and hugging her as tightly as he could, he kissed the tip of her nose. He carried her back to her bed. He placed her on the now dry sheets. As she lay back on her pillows, she watched him as he pulled the disheveled covers up over her naked body. Once she was tucked in, Eric's eyes lingered on her face for a long few moments. After coming to some sort of decision, Eric turned to leave. He slowly walked towards the door. She watched him as he was about to leave. Her heart and her soul were heavy.
"Stay," she suddenly called out to him.
He turned to face her.
"Will you stay with me?" she asked.
Kneeling down by the side of the bed, Eric asked, "Are you asking me to stay because you don't want to sleep alone or because you want me here?"
"You," she whispered.
Within seconds, he was in bed with her and holding her in his arms. There was no lovemaking. There was no kissing. There was only holding. "This is what I miss; touching you, being close to you after we make love," Eric said as he nuzzled her hair. "I do love you, Sookie. I've always loved you."
"I know," she said. She soon yawned. She had to be in Hot Shot by 10:00 am and she needed to get some sleep. "Tonight we had a nice talk didn't we?"
"We did," he replied as she settled into the grove of his body. "It was the best talk we've ever had." He chuckled and then said, "I think it's the most talking we've done since we've been married."
She followed up with a giggled. "I hope that you feel that way tomorrow night. Because there is one subject left that we have to talk about; Freyda."
Eric's hold tightened.
She noticed the tight hold and the change in his feelings but she said nothing. "I know about Freyda showing up for one of the nights that you were with your friends. I also know that you didn't want her there but you didn't send her away. From what I understood, you didn't want her there. What I don't understand is why you decided to throw a party in her honor and not tell me about it." She smiled as she closed her eyes. "I can't wait to hear what you have to say about her. If things go as well as they did tonight, I'll be back in our bedroom in no time. Good-night, Eric."
"Good-night, my lover," he replied. Soon he was being lulled by her steady heartbeat and breathing. This was what he's wanted since she moved out of their bedroom; to be close to her. He suddenly wished that he had a couple of more hours to be with her because after she hears about Freyda, he was sure that they were only going to be married because of the contract.