"This is a lot of snow," Colton noted, his nose pressed against the window. "I have never seen this much before."
"Piles and piles," Ben agreed, staring out the other window. "I can't imagine trying to walk in it. Mama, how do you walk in it?"
"You have to shovel your way out," Lindsay answered absently, keeping her eyes on the road. "Is Avery still asleep?"
"Yep. That jet lag really attacked her and daddy."
Adam gave a small snore from the front seat.
"Mama?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired and it's been a long time since I've driven in snow like this."
The boys glanced at each other in the darkness and nodded, agreeing to be quiet. Colton turned back to the window while Ben yawned and reached for Avery's hand. She smiled in her sleep and squeezed gently and he squeezed back. The flight to Montana had been uncomfortable for her and besides getting sick right after lift-off, she'd had an earache the entire time and had only finally fallen asleep when she climbed up into his lap. He liked that even though she was getting bigger, he could still be her protector sometimes.
The car slowed down and made a turn onto the gravel driveway, and both boys perked up at somewhat familiar surroundings.
"Hey Aves, we're here," Colton said shaking her shoulder. "Wake up."
Avery stirred slightly and rubbed at her eyes.
"We're at the farm?"
"Yep."
"Finally. I can't wait to crawl into the cozy bed that once belonged to mama. It has so many quilts on it."
"I sure like granna and papa's house," Ben confirmed. "It's just so nice here. Look, the light is on like they are waiting for us. Daddy, wake up."
Lindsay stopped the car in front of the house and shut it off, taking a deep breath before opening the door. They hadn't planned on Montana for Christmas, but her dad had suffered another minor heart attack and she and Adam both felt a very quick trip over the holiday would be the best way to make everyone feel better. They'd paid through the nose for plane tickets, and they'd had to forgo some of their last minute presents and traditions, but at the moment it didn't really matter.
"Ben, let's help daddy get our suitcases out so mama and Aves can get inside."
"Sure Cole. Boy, it's pretty cold here. Almost can't breathe."
"It's because of the wind," Adam commented, still half asleep.
"Mama I'm freezing," Avery whined as she finally disentangled herself from the seatbelt. "Carry me?"
"You're getting so heavy," Lindsay sighed, reaching her hands out anyway. "You boys okay getting the stuff?"
"Right as rain, mama," Ben said with a little smile. "You go see papa, I know you been achin' to."
"Thanks Ben Ry."
She headed into the house and set Avery on the floor, then went in search of her parents.
"We're in here," came a voice from the other side of the house. Lindsay smiled and followed the sound, finding her parents curled up on the couch together watching the news.
Anne got up and crossed the room to her daughter, taking her in a tight hug and letting the affection speak all the words she'd wanted to say over the last year.
"Hi baby girl," she whispered finally.
"Hi mama. I love you."
"I love you too."
"How's daddy?"
"Tired, but a lot better than he was."
They broke the hug and Anne stooped down to hug Avery while Lindsay sat down next to her dad and rested her head on his chest.
"Hey daddy. Showing that cardiologist a thing or two I see."
"Monroe genes won't be denied," he chuckled softly, running his hand over her hair. "I'm glad you're here, but you didn't have to come for me. I'm fine."
"I didn't come for you, I came for me. I've got a hankerin' to go ice-fishin', thought you might take a shine to goin' with me."
"Don't you know I done caught all the winter fish already? Slow on your game my daughter."
"I was never much of an early bird."
"Gotta keep the worms warm."
She grinned at the punch line of an old joke and squeezed his hand.
"You really feelin' okay?"
"A little tired but who wouldn't be after keeping up with your mom all day?"
"Point taken."
He kissed the top of her head and chuckled as Avery clambered up onto the couch too.
"Hello papa," she greeted with a big smile, reaching up to hug him around the neck. "I have missed you so, so, so most. I dream about the farm all the time. Did mama tell you that I want to be a farm doctor one day? I want to take care of horses and other animals. And I want to live here, in Montana. It is my newest and most biggest dream."
"That would be fantastic, Sparkles."
"Good, I think so too. I will work in town, and folks will bring their animals to me to get well. And I will have to make them pay me a little money, because I have to set up housekeepin' for myself. That's what it's called when you pay for your home. I learned that off a movie. But for you papa, I will care for your animals and you can just pay me in hugs!"
"Sounds great."
She smiled and reached up to pat his face.
"I love you papa."
"I love you too. Where are those brothers of yours?"
"Being gentlemen and carrying in all our stuff. My bag is the heaviest. I packed everything I might need."
"Averylin, what does that include?"
"Well, lots of things. All my clothes I want to wear of course. Many pictures of Thomas, an extra coat, three purses, some snacks. Oh, my dictionary. My tap shoes that were Sarah's in case people are starved for entertainment. My markers and paper and stickers to make papa "get better" cards. All of my pretty jewels, and the air freshener because Isa said she was only jokin' about us using the outhouse, but I like to be prepared, you know?"
"Averylin Grace, you make me laugh."
"Well that's good mama!"
"Yes it is."
"I will go check if they brought the stuff yet. I am so very… um, what's the word that means most tired? Famished?"
"Exhausted."
"Oh yes. I am exhausted. I would really like to go snuggle in that warm bed way upstairs."
"Sissy, I brought your bag. What the heck is in there anyway? Rocks?"
"Yes, I did bring a little of my collection. The newest ones to show to papa and granna."
"Geez," he laughed walking around to the couch. "Hey papa. Is it okay for a dude to hug his papa or am I too old for that?"
"Never too old Benjamin," Dale laughed.
"Good because I've been wanting to all day. How are you feeling? Do you need anything? Me and Cole, we're pretty good at taking care of people. We waited on mama and daddy and Aves a few weeks ago when they all had bad colds. I am terrific at making chicken noodle soup, so if you need any, you know where to find me."
"Thanks."
"I think I'll go to bed too. It's been a very long day. Are me and Cole sleepin' in the blue room?"
"Yep, it's all yours."
"Great. I'll see you in the mornin' papa. Mama, you want to give me a goodnight smooch?"
Lindsay snorted a laugh and leaned up to kiss his cheek.
"Goodnight Benjamin. I love you. Can you make sure Avery brushes her teeth?"
"I will mama, don't fret."
He disappeared upstairs just before Colton came in to bid them both goodnight. His eyelids were drooping with sleepiness and Lindsay was sure he would crash in his clothes.
"Those kids have a lot of you in them," Dale commented, after Avery had come down to say goodnight.
"Maybe, but all the good parts are their daddy," she smiled, looking into the kitchen where Adam was helping Anne put a load of dishes away.
"You two doing okay?"
"No. We're much better than just okay. We're us again."
"Got worried there for a bit. You never said it but your mom and I could both tell things weren't going very well."
"It was hard, but we figured it out."
"Good. He promised me he would make you happy, I didn't really want have to make good on my threat. He's grown on me."
"Grown on you? Oh brother."
He laughed with her and dropped a kiss to the top of her head.
"I'm glad you're here, Linds."
"Me too daddy."
"Adam?"
He'd been waiting for her to say his name for over an hour now. Laying side by side in the darkness and watching the snow falling, they'd been silent. He wanted to give her space, he knew that she was worried about her dad and he didn't want to push her too much, but there was a fine line between space and avoidance, as they'd so recently learned.
"Yeah?"
It took her a minute to answer and when she did her voice wavered slightly.
"I'm cold."
He nodded and slid closer, pulling the blankets with him and cocooning them together as much as he could. He knew she needed the physical closeness before she would be able to tell him what was on her mind, and he was more than happy to oblige if that's what would help her. She settled in against his chest and breathed deeply, letting her tears drop against his skin.
"Honey?"
"He looks fine," she started with a hiccup. "He looks just like he always has. He looks healthy, like nothing happened and nothing is wrong. But if he looks fine then how are we supposed to see it coming?"
This was a pain he knew all too well, but he struggled to find the words to make it better for her. He still hadn't answered all of his own questions.
"I don't know."
"I'm not ready."
"Honey, he's not going anywhere."
"You don't know that."
"No I don't, but I would rather enjoy our time with the family than stress about what might happen."
"I want to do that but I don't know how. I don't know how to let go because every time I blink I see him in a hospital bed or worse. How do I stop being scared?"
"I don't know Linds. I can't answer that question because there's nothing that lets us predict the future. All we can do is deal with it when it comes and enjoy that it's not here yet."
"How did you do this? When your mom died how did you…"
"One day at a time. You forced me to feel it, you know. I didn't do it all on my own. You were there for most of it. It's not happening to you now, but when and if it does, I'll be right there, just like you were for me. Right now though, he's fine. He feels good, he's got a semi-clean bill of health and his doctor believes that upping the dosage on his meds a little will guarantee this won't happen again."
She sighed again, so close that her lips pattered against his skin as she spoke.
"I don't want to run from this. I don't want to hide but I don't want to let it control me either. I can't do that again. I'm better than that."
"I know you are. You always have been Linds."
She was quiet for a bit letting the tears flow softly before she sniffled and looked up at him.
"Is there any way you can get closer?" she asked, tugging on him.
"Would you like to be fused to me?"
"Yes."
He smiled and kissed her quickly, brushing her hair back from her face.
"I know you're worried honey, but you can be worried and still enjoy being with your family for a few days."
"I know. And I will. It's just that tonight… everything feels wrong."
"What can I do?"
"Just this. It helps a lot."
"Oh boys!" Avery shouted, ripping the last of the wrapping paper off of her present. "You picked me such a good gift!"
"We picked it out together," Ben explained. "The lady at the bookstore thought it was too old for you, but we told her that our sissy was really smart."
"It's just what I needed! It will tell me all I need to know about animals and how to take care of them. Good! Papa, are any of your animals sick now? I could cure them."
"No, they're all okay."
"Well if any of them fall ill while I am here, just let me know. Boys, do you like your books too?"
"I love mine Aves. The only problem is that it makes me want to be a doctor even more and I still have to wait."
"I am glad that this gift could support your dreams," she said with a nod. "We all did a great job on presents this year. Mama and daddy, didn't y'all get each other anything?"
"Yeah, but it was romantic and mushy."
"Ew gross. I very much enjoy how you love each other, but I do not want to see kissing."
"That's funny coming from you, sissy."
"Ben, I smooched Daniel a very long time ago you don't gotta keep bringing it up!"
"Yeah, I'd like to not hear about it ever again," Adam agreed.
"Well I think it's cute," Lindsay grinned.
"Babe, you're going to have the two of them married off before they hit middle school."
"Mama, stop. I don't even want to think about sissy and Daniel getting married, okay?"
"I know, I'm just teasing. What's that faraway look in your eyes for, Averylin?"
"I was just thinking about how I will have to find a very special man. For I will probably get manure on the floor from my shoes. And he will need to have most patience for that. Daddy, would you still love mama if she tracked in manure and smelled of animals?"
"Yeah, I guess love conquers all."
"Gee, thanks babe."
"That's wonderful. Now what do we do on this fine Christmas day? Papa, you got a plan?"
"You should ask your mama what happens after presents on Christmas."
"Time to go feed the animals," Lindsay said, standing up and stretching. "Who wants to come help me?"
"Not in a million years," Ben said, not looking up from his magic kit.
"Colton?"
"It's pretty cold out," he answered. "And you know, granna might need help making breakfast."
"Averylin?"
"I thought you would never ask, mama! Lemme get my galoshes!"
She dashed upstairs while Lindsay found their coats. They wouldn't be long outside, her brothers were coming over later and would spend a while doing most of the chores, but there were things that needed to be done early in the morning, every morning. Making it into something exciting for Avery was a good way to take the pressure off of her dad. He wanted to be out there, doing the daily chores that he'd loved since he was a little boy, but he wasn't quite ready yet. In time, he may be back there again.
"Ready mama. Do we sing Christmas songs to the animals?"
"Not normally but I suppose you could if you wanted to."
"Nah, I will freeze if I am outside too long."
The door closed behind them and their footsteps crunched across the snow to the barn. Lindsay pushed the door open and turned the heat up just a little more as they stepped inside. She grabbed a bucket and the stool and headed for the first cow, while Avery busied herself with breaking up a small bale of hay and grass, and distributing it to each resident of the barn.
"Mama?" she questioned, perching on the extra stool once she was done. "Are you worried about papa?"
"A little."
"Coley told me what a heart attack is. It sounds scary. Will papa be okay?"
"He's getting better."
"I don't want papa to die."
"Oh baby, I don't either."
Avery sniffled and rubbed at her eyes, trying to keep from crying. The questions had been sitting in her stomach for two days and she didn't want to let them out and make mama sad, but she couldn't hold them in any longer.
"What if he dies mama? What if he goes away like Gigi did?"
"Avery-"
"I will miss him! I will be so sad! And so will you because your daddy will be gone."
She sobbed deeply and Lindsay quickly finished with the milking before pulling her daughter into her arms.
"Sweetie, if that happens we will be very sad and we will miss him a lot. But right now it's not happening. So there is no reason for us to dwell on it, okay?"
"But if your daddy could die then my daddy could die! No, no, no, I don't want daddy to die!"
"Oh Avery, daddy is just fine."
"But what if his heart attacks him?"
"Honey, that's nothing to worry about. Like I said, there's no reason for us to dwell on things that aren't happening."
"I could not bear to lose my daddy. It would hurt me so most mama. I could not do it. I could not see him sick. What if he gets old like papa?"
"I don't know what to tell you to make this better honey," Lindsay admitted, letting her own tears slide down her cheeks.
"It will not be better. It is life. And I know that, but mama it just hurts me so."
"I know. It hurts me too. But you know what Averylin? We're strong women, you and me. We can feel those hurts all the way down in our souls, but we can also rise above them and learn to laugh again."
"Daddy and papa, if they were gone, they would want us to keep being cheerful and happy."
"Yes they would."
"I could do it then. I bet I could. Especially if you and me had each other, and the boys. They would help us to remember."
"Exactly. We would have to remember all the good times. And today, this is a good time. And we don't want to look back on it and remember how worried we were, do we?"
"No we certainly do not," Avery agreed, wiping her own tears away. "Maybe this will be a thing you and me could talk about quietly when no one else hears. Like how you talk to Isa real quiet sometimes. You and me will share this together, and it will make the worries less when we talk about them. And soon we will not worry anymore, we will just enjoy the day."
"Yes, we will. How about now, are you ready to enjoy today?"
Avery nodded, her curls bouncing against her shoulders.
"Let's finish these chores and then go have snuggles with our daddies. Because we are their only little girls after all."
"And we always will be, Averylin."
"That comforts me a lot mama. Thank you."