"Well, I guess we're going to have to hunker down," Lindsay sighed, turning the TV off and standing up from the couch.
"Gonna go take inventory of our canned goods?" Adam asked.
"No. Making a shopping list so you can go out before the snow hits."
"Good. That means you can be in charge of the firewood."
"That's fine. I was the one who had to stand out there for an hour and chop it up anyway."
"I married a lumberjack."
"And I'm okay."
He chuckled and stood up to find his shoes and coat, thinking her shopping list was going to be short. He was wrong. By the time he was ready to go, the list was half a page long.
"Seriously? This is like actual grocery shopping."
"I don't know how long we're going to be here and we're out of cheese and hot chocolate and if we get snowed in Avery will die."
"Alright."
Her phone went off and he answered it for her, finding Austin on the other end.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Our power went out."
He chuckled.
"Okay, we'll see you guys in a bit."
No more conversation was needed and he hung up the phone, motioning to the shopping list.
"You're going to have to expand that list a bit."
"Oh?"
"Double the food."
She nodded in understanding and began to revise the list while Ben came into the room with a huge grin on his face.
"We heard it on the radio! School is closed! Is it true?"
"Yeah, school is closed and the Messers are coming over."
He whooped and pumped his fist in the air.
"I like when two great things happen on the same day. Hey Cole and sissy, guess who's coming over our way!"
He raced upstairs where there was much rejoicing over the turn of events, and a few minutes later Avery came into the kitchen to get a piece of paper and a pencil from the drawer.
"What are you doing, sweetie?"
"Me an' the boys is makin' a plan to build a great fort," she answered. "Coley wants paper for a blueprint."
"I'm going to run to the store, do you guys need anything for your fort?"
"Just the usual stuff. Rubber bands an' clothes pins."
"Alright. Have mama text me if you think of anything else."
She nodded and dashed back upstairs while Adam took his coat back off, figuring that if Lindsay was suddenly going to rearrange the fridge, he was going to be here a little longer than he'd thought, and he might as well help her.
"How long has it been since we've cleaned this out?"
"I think it was when I was pregnant with Avery."
"You're joking."
"Only a little. What do you think this is?"
"I think it's the reason Tupperware is disposable."
She made a face and threw it out while he opened the freezer and started checking the ice-cream for signs of frost.
"How long did they say until the snow hits?"
"Couple hours, but the freezing temperatures are going to set in soon. When you go out, could you pick up some more bath towels? I think we're going to run out with ten people needing to bathe."
"Sure."
They continued to work on the fridge, adding to the shopping list as they thought of things, until the front door opened.
"Hey Aunt Lin!" Junior shouted, tossing his coat on the floor and running to hug her. "Where's the kids?"
"Upstairs."
"Great! I brought something for me and Ben to play."
She managed to press a kiss to his head before he dashed off up the stairs with Sarah on his heels, while Isa climbed up onto the barstool and grabbed an apple out of the bowl on the counter.
"So did your power go out because you forgot to pay the bill again?" Lindsay teased, earning a shove from Austin.
"No, the entire block is out and they said it would be a day before it comes back on. And I only paid a day late this month so back up off this."
"Okay, fine," Lindsay laughed, handing the list over to Adam. "If it starts snowing just go ahead and buy what you have and come home. No need to get the whole list if you're going to wreck the car."
He rolled his eyes and her and took the list, scanning it over and wondering how crowded the grocery store would be.
"I should go with you," Danny noted, putting his gloves back on. "I think we forgot to pack the toothbrushes."
"Hey, who needs those?" Austin asked with a grin. "Be safe out there, boys."
They left the house and Lindsay began to clean up the mess from the fridge, tying the garbage bag off for Colton to take out later.
"What's the matter, Isa?" she asked, noticing the girl still sitting at the counter.
"Nothin'."
"Doesn't sound like nothing."
Isa sighed and Austin discreetly left the room, mumbling something about checking on the kids. Lindsay moved over to the other barstool, sitting down and glancing over at Isa, trying to read her and figure out what had the girl so quiet. She knew something was going on with her, but neither Danny nor Austin had said very much.
"Everything just feels weird, Indy."
"Weird how?"
"I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like I want to turn off and rest for a while, wait until things are normal again."
"Which things, honey?"
Isa sighed and looked up from her hands, steeling herself for what she was about to say.
"Colt and I, we don't feel like friends anymore. I mean, I still love him like I always have, but it just doesn't feel the same. And I really miss him being around all the time. He's always hanging out with guys. He doesn't sit next to me in any of our classes and it just feels weird that he's not a part of my life right now."
"I'm glad you know that this is just for right now, not forever."
"He promised that we'd be friends forever and I believe him. Papaw told me it's just a transitional period in life but it really sucks."
"I know."
"It's like everything I feel is a hundred times more intense than what everyone else feels. Like I'm crazy on drugs or something. That can't be normal."
"A lot of it is hormones. Some of it is the fact that you're getting older and you understand your emotions better and they're more complex. You spend more time thinking inwardly than outwardly. It's all about learning, Isa. You're not crazy."
"I just wish I was a little girl again. Everything was right and happy. Nothing bad happened. Indy, how in the world can you still have happy times with all that's happened? How can you even laugh?"
"You have to, honey. You can never get over anything bad, and you shouldn't. All you really can do is keep it from running your life. There will be days you just want to cry or be angry about something that's already past. And that's okay, but you can't let it be every day."
"But don't you get sad about Rebecca every day?"
"Yes, I do. I always will. I'll never forget her and I'll never stop loving her. But she has a wonderful life now that I am so happy about. And I have other things in life too. I have Adam and Colton and Ben and Avery, and they all need me to love them. I've got your ma and dad, Sarah and Daniel. And I've got you. If I've got all of you, then all of you should have me too. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah. It's just hard. Sometimes the bad stuff is all I can think about. How do I stop?"
Lindsay thought for a moment, then reached over for Isa's hand, pulling her off the barstool.
"I have something I think you'll like."
Isa followed her upstairs, passed the noise of the rest of the kids, into the attic bedroom, where Isa curled up on the bed and watched the snow fall, while Lindsay rooted around in the closet, finally producing the leather-bound journal.
"What's this?"
"The diary I kept when I was sixteen."
"That's when your friends died."
"It was. I think you should read this."
"Why?"
"Because there's some stuff in there I think might help."
Isa nodded hesitantly, running her finger across the embossed design on the cover.
"You would really let me read this?"
"If it helps, even a little, then yes."
"But… isn't it sad?"
"Yes, it's sad. And you're going to find things out about me that you may not like. But when you're finished reading, I want you to look at who I am now. I want you to see how much a person can grow and change, even if it's hard. Okay?"
"Thank you, Indy."
"You're welcome Isa," Lindsay smiled, leaning down to hug her. "I love you with my whole heart, you know that right?"
"Forever. I love you too."
An hour later Lindsay and Austin were curled up on the couch together, watching a movie and giggling over inside jokes while they waited for the men to return. It had been months since they'd spent any amount of time together and their conversation buzzed quickly from one subject to the next. They managed to talk everyday but neither one of them had time to expound on things the way they wanted to.
"Lin?"
"Hmm?"
"Is your dad going to be okay?"
"Yeah, he's doing a lot better. I went to the doctor with him before we left, and they're going to do some tests in three months, but they assured me that he's doing a lot better than they anticipated. It was only a small heart attack, and he does need to take care of himself but there is no reason he can't still do most of the things he did before."
"Good. Are you feeling better about it?"
"Yeah. He still seems old to me, but he's healthier than most people his age. And he's not too proud to stick to the plans the doctor gave him."
"And is Avery feeling better?"
"Yeah. I think being home made her feel normal again."
"Well, as normal as our Averylin can be."
There was a creaking noise by the stairs and they looked up to find Isa, her long hair hanging around her face, eyes red and bloodshot, tear tracks on her cheeks.
"Isa, what's wrong?" Austin asked, instantly on mother-alert.
"I didn't know, Indy."
"You didn't know what honey?"
"I didn't realize… Colt told me your friends died. I didn't know… it was so horrible," she cried, making her way to the couch and curling up between them. "I didn't know that you were there."
Lindsay nodded, glancing down at the worn journal in Isa's hands, seeing the familiar page that just said "They were murdered."
"You saw them dead."
"I did."
"You heard it happen."
"Yes."
"Indy, I can't even read this," she sobbed, furious at herself for letting her feelings out. "How could you have lived through it?"
"You have to keep reading, sweetie."
"I can't."
"You have to. If you don't, you'll never see how it turned out."
"I don't want to."
"I know. But I think you need to."
"I'll try."
She sat with them for another minute before wiping her eyes again and heading back upstairs.
"Are you sure you want her reading that?" Austin asked gently. She had no problem with her daughter knowing the nitty-gritty truth, but she wasn't entirely sure Lindsay was ready to share that part of her past.
"I think she needs to know it more than I need to keep it hidden. I think she feels out of control right now and that nothing is ever going to get better. She needs to see that it will. It's just going to take some effort on her part."
"And mine."
"Can I ask why she has it out for you?"
"Colton hasn't told you?"
"No. I wanted to ask but I can't put him in that position."
Austin sighed and stared down at her hands.
"She found out about my dad. Wants to know what else I've been lying to her about. The mother-daughter trust is a wee bit fractured and I'm not entirely sure how to fix it."
"Time."
"You don't want to have an emotionally explosive pre-teen living with you for a while do you?"
"If that was what was best for her you know we'd do it in a heartbeat. But that just teaches her to run when things get hard. She's already genetically set up for that, it should probably be squelched out of her as soon as possible."
"You say a lot in just a few words."
"So do you."
"Well hello ladies!" Avery greeted. "May I please have some cheese?"
"I'm all out honey."
Avery's jaw dropped and her eyes went wide.
"But… daddy… daddy will get me some right?"
"Are you panicked, Avery?"
"Austin… I have cheese every day. Every day since I was a tiny little child. Now, I can go without it of course. If I really have to. But I don't want to go without it. I like my cheese."
"Daddy is bringing some for you."
"Good. See, I can be patient for this. I just need the assurance that cheese is coming."
She dashed back upstairs and Austin chuckled.
"How do you even…"
"I don't know."
Sarah finished washing her hands and looked at herself in the mirror, scrunching her nose at the smattering of freckles that still remained from their week in California. She was hoping they would go away soon, but they gave her a little more character too, so she didn't entirely loathe their existence.
She could hear the rest of the kids outside, shouting happily as they carved a maze out in the snow. It was getting much too cold to be outside, especially with the windchill, but they were all having too much fun to care. All of them except for Isa, that is.
Her older sister had finally come outside to join the rest of her counterparts, and had been participating, but in a subdued, completely unlike Isabeth way. Sarah herself was a little tired of the mood swings, the grumpiness, the walking on eggshells so as not to disturb what their dad quietly called "Katie Kaboom." She wanted her crazy sister back. This sullen and moody girl was not the one she used to stay up late with, giggling over secrets.
She crossed the bathroom to the window and looked out on the backyard, a plan forming in her mind before she even had a chance to weigh the pros and cons. Carefully, she slid the window open, surveying the porch roof and the pile of snow on the ground. It seemed like it would be fine. It would make Isa happy at least for a moment.
Determined, she climbed out the window, holding onto the house until she got her balance on the slippery roof.
"Hey guys watch this!"
The interest of all five kids was captured as she sat down and let herself slide quickly off the roof and into the huge pile of snow that had come out of their maze. She hit with a lot of force and it knocked the wind out of her, but she sat up with a grin, amid hollers of disbelief, and Averylin's minor freak out.
"Sarah!" Isa laughed, jumping into the snow next to her. "What has gotten into you? That was so great!"
"I wanted to cheer you up," Sarah explained with a shrug. "Did it work?"
Isa laughed hard and hugged her sister, giving her a noogie.
"Sarah, you're the best."
"That was so dangerous!" Avery admonished, her hands on her hips. "You cannot make rash decisions like that! You could have broken your spleen!"
Laughing, Isa and Sarah grabbed Avery and pulled her into the snow with them.
"Live a little, Avery," Isa giggled, brushing some frost out of the red curls. "Life is too short."