Warning note/ Trigger warning (spoiler also, but *please* read below if you are someone who is triggered by death/violence)
Typical warning note of graphic violence for this chapter includes graphic depictions of drowning. But the pulled out trigger warning is related to a typically suicidal action that Lance takes at the end of this chapter. Please consider this as you read and if you are triggered by any type of suicidal action, particularly wrist slicing, I recommend skipping the last few paragraphs of the chapter.
As Color Fades Away
Chapter Eighteen
Lance's scream cut off with a suddenness as he smashed into the surface below.
And then went under it.
Water, his brain stuttered.
Actual water.
There was water here.
And, Lance realized as he felt it flood his throat, he was about to drown in it.
He should probably do something about that.
He forced exhausted feet to kick up against the sensation of sinking, left hand reaching out and pushing the water away as black spots unrelated to the darkness burst in front of his eyes and more water choked down this throat.
He wasn't going to make it. He wasn't going to–
Lance broke the surface with a gasp, chest heaving and his pants echoing around him, growing in magnitude.
Air.
He sucked it in greedily, feet moving into a familiar tread, and focused on not slipping back under the cold water.
His breaths continued to echo harshly around him.
Slowly, ever so slowly though, his heart stopped its rapid thudding and the pain that had plagued him began to give way to a welcome numbness as the cold water lapped against wounds and the burns soaked up the moisture.
It felt...
It felt nice.
Lance didn't quite smile but he felt his body ease, tipping his head back to let the water soak into the strands and wash away the sweat and Haggar's touch.
He realized how thirsty he was.
He licked chapped lips, now free of blood, and debated.
Was the water poisoned. There had to be something to this as Haggar nor Theodek were so benevolent as to give him a reprieve. He was honestly surprised and grateful it wasn't salt water, which would be dangerous to drink and the salt in all of the open wounds would be...
It would make what Haggar had done to put them there a mercy.
He shuddered.
So to drink or not to drink?
He'd already inhaled some on his fall, right? And he was submerged in it. Drinking it could hardly be a death sentence.
Dipping his head, Lance lapped up the tiniest sip.
It felt like heaven; cold and cool and soothing on his hoarse throat.
He allowed himself a few more small sips but refrained from any more, the water settling heavily in his empty stomach.
He just realized now he had hardly noticed the fact he wasn't hungry.
That was probably a bad sign.
Nothing he could do about it.
Just like everything else.
He hung his head, nose brushing the water.
The brief joy he'd felt from being in the water was fading now, being replaced with the reality of his situation.
This was phase three.
Something bad was going to happen.
Something that Haggar felt would make him break above everything else she'd already tried.
And he was worried she might succeed.
He had felt her, there, on the table, pushing on his mind. He'd fought back that time but it had left him exhausted, mentally and physically.
If she kept coming like that he didn't know how many more times he could push her away.
And the fact his mental wall was water... and now he was floating in a whole lot of it...
His stomach twisted again.
He tilted his head back, sightless eyes seeking the top from where he'd fallen down and ears straining for any sort of noise, an indication of what was gong to happen.
Nothing.
And although Lance knew knowing wouldn't change anything, it gave him something to focus on instead of the slowly creeping dread.
Diving for depth was out of the question as he was in no condition for any kind of strenuous swimming, but he could at least figure out how large this chamber was.
Propelling himself with his one arm and feet, he swam for a few ticks until his left hand hit a cold metal wall. He winced as his damaged flesh, healed somewhat and wrapped in a bandage but nowhere close to okay, struck palm first.
He tentatively splayed his fingers out. It was a solid flat sheet of metal although there were some odd circular indentations spaced over it as his hand trailed along it, but nothing so deep he could find a handhold. Inside of the indentations was a small bump but nothing he could yet figure out.
He followed the length of the wall until he found its corner and then began to track the perimeter.
A few minutes later he had come to the conclusion he was in some sort of metal square box, about twelve feet give or take on each side. Not very big.
Not big at all.
Very small.
And dark.
He sucked in a harsh inhale.
He had air. There was air here.
Plus water.
There was definitely more water than air.
Lance carefully, painfully, brought his left arm out of the water and stretched it as high above his head as he could go.
More air.
At least he wasn't swimming around in a small metal enclosed box with like only a foot between him and the top.
But he was swimming around in a small metal enclosed box with no exit.
He sucked in another harsh breath.
He was fine.
Just fine.
He swore the walls were closing in.
He could find out. He just had to say 'please.'
The word danced on his tongue but he swallowed it down.
No.
Haggar was no doubt watching, waiting, for him to play her game.
To beg for something that wasn't hers to take in the first place.
He wouldn't.
He refused to play.
To plead.
He'd fallen far enough, at least let him keep whatever little bit of pride he had left.
He knew it would be gone soon enough.
Haggar would make sure of it.
He wondered what she was doing up there. She didn't seem to mind waiting, watching, but Theodek? He had shown his impatience and Lance doubted watching him almost hyperventilate in a tub of water was all that exciting to him. Not that he was complaining. If he could get past his growing paranoia that the walls were closing in and the air was disappearing he supposed this could be called almost pleasant.
It made him realize how tired he was.
Exhaustion pulled on his limbs and Lance moved to float on his back as his legs began to slow.
When was the last time he'd slept?
What day was it?
How long had he been here?
He could close his eyes for a few minutes, right? He was sure he'd wake up if he slipped under.
He was just so tired.
And sleep offered an escape, even if only temporary.
He was just beginning to get comfortable, harder now that the water's temperature was starting to grow just a little too cold, when there was the harsh screeching of metal from up above.
Lance flailed back to treading, body tense.
It was about to start.
He sucked in a shaky inhale and then exhale, trying to prepare for whatever new torture Haggar had in store.
The water began to move.
And Lance realized he was in trouble.
Small waves began to bat at his sides, splashing up to hit his face and he unintentionally inhale a mouthful. He coughed, but more rushed in and the cough turned into a gag.
Another wave, stronger than the others, struck at his shoulder and Lance let out a hoarse cry as he was batted into the wall, which morphed into a yelp as every injury was set alight.
The pulsing water continued to smash him against the unyielding wall and Lance madly scrambled to keep his head above water.
Another wave broke over his head and he emerged from it, gasping.
He was going to drown.
The thought froze him.
He was going to drown.
Another crash shoved him back against the wall, keeping him pinned there as more water dumped on top of him.
He needed to get away from the wall, back to the center of the room.
If he could just shove off...
He angled his feet as best he could, trying to find some sort of purchase against the wall even as his feet cried as he pushed them down. He made to propel himself away...
And the wall moved.
And with it so did the water.
A tidal wave as the room – not a room, he realized, a box, a container – rotated.
He was forced under with a gasp.
The water was just as chaotic under the surface as above, waves coming from all angles and tossing him to and fro, slamming him against the wall, pulling him away, and then doing it again.
Lance choked as his body was dashed mercilessly against the metal and he inhaled a stream of water.
Air.
He needed air.
He...
He had no idea which way to go.
The torrents were coming from every direction and in the pitch blackness he couldn't even guess which way went up as he was batted about head over heels.
His lungs were starting to burn and he desperately kept his lips shut. It had to stop soon. Any tick now.
One tick.
Two tick.
Three tick...
It wasn't stopping.
Don't panic, don't panic, he chanted to himself.
He was panicking.
It would stop.
He just needed to keep air in his lungs as once the water stopped churning the laws of buoyancy would take effect and he would float up.
Eighteen tick.
Nineteen tick.
He'd nearly drowned a few times in his life. It was all part of growing up around the water and having a not-so-healthy disregard for the rules. He could not count how many times he'd been scolded as a kid for not paying attention to his surroundings and ending up in trouble because of it.
Thirty-six tick.
Thirty-seven tick.
The number one rule he'd learned about the water was to never panic. It wasted valuable air and energy.
He was breaking it.
He couldn't help it. His lungs were burning and he had no idea if it was going to stop so he could find the surface or if he...
If he...
Fifty-eight tick...
Fifty-nine tick...
He was going to die. He was actually going to—
The water stilled.
Lance floated in the quiet, trying to feel past the growing haziness descending, on the movement of his body.
He let out a stream of bubbles, feeling them pop against his chin.
Upside down!
He kicked leaden legs in a circle around and pushed up with all he had left, right hand joining in the desperate strike for the surface.
And with a splash he burst from the water into glorious air, wheezing and gasping. His throat burned as he expelled what he'd swallowed and his eyes watered from the coughs.
Over the sound of his attempts at breathing he heard the sound of low laughter echoing from up above.
Theodek.
"It looked like you were having fun," the Galran called down. "How about we go again?"
Unseeing eyes widened.
What?
Again?
Dios no, he'd just gotten back up.
He was so tired.
The creaking of apparent gears and the slosh of waves was his answer.
He fought. So, so hard to stay above the waves.
It wasn't enough.
The chamber tilted again and Lance was sent along with it, hurtling towards one of the walls.
And this time he landed on his broken wrist.
He screamed, absolute agony winning out against his battle to keep his mouth closed. He inhaled a stream of water and choked as his air supply was replaced with water.
Up! Where was up?
He couldn't find it and he had no air left to spare.
He clawed for the surface, disobeying every rule he knew of swimming.
The rules didn't apply here. There was no real surface, no calm seabed, no sandbar to collapse upon or shallows to stand in.
Lance had always known the ocean was merciless.
This?
This was beyond that.
Whether it was luck or Theodek guided him, he breached the surface without warning and the waves slowed as he struggled to remain there, hands weeping blood and bandages long lost to the water.
He didn't know how long he could keep doing it.
He shifted to float onto his back, even that position hard to maintain.
He was so tired.
Theodek's chuckle rumbled from above. "Now that you have had a taste of phase three, we can move on. I will follow the outline Lady Haggar previously offered. Provide information on your fellow Paladins to me and I will reward you by not actively trying to drown you. Refuse, and you know what will happen. And should I need to retrieve you myself for any reason... let's just say I will enjoy the consequences very much."
Lance didn't even have the energy to respond to how unfair the entire thing was.
He almost found himself wishing for the table and its restraints.
He blinked.
What?
That was what his brain thought of as mercy now?
Dios.
"Speak, boy," Theodek rumbled down. "Are you going to provide me information or not?"
Lance didn't even know why he bothered to ask. He already knew the answer.
He hated how the question though was almost a comfort. It wasn't the torture without end like Theodek had started with. It had a pattern, a routine.
He...
He was really starting to lose it.
The chamber gave another creak and the water began to flow again. Lance took in the largest inhale he could, chest aching as it expanded, and a moment later found him back beneath the surface.
The best solution he determined was to wait out the sequence rather than wasting energy trying to propel back to the surface to be shoved under again. If he could protect the worst of his injuries, curled into as tight a ball as he could with his mangled right wrist pressed to his chest, and prevent opening his mouth and inhaling when he hit the wall then he could manage for... for maybe about a dobash.
He normally could hold his breath for an easy three, but not now. Not with these conditions. Not with this body.
A minute should be more than enough.
At forty ticks he was still waiting.
It had to stop, right?
Theodek wouldn't actually kill him.
It wasn't stopping.
The waves kept pummeling and pummeling and Lance had no idea at this point what direction to even try and strike for the surface.
He squeezed his eyes shut, as if that could keep air inside.
Why wasn't it stopping?
Everything was starting to go hazy again even in the darkness.
Any tick now.
It had to stop.
Please let it stop.
It...
It wasn't going to stop.
Theodek was going to drown him.
His lungs decided they'd had enough and forced his mouth open to suck in air that was not there. Lance choked as water filled his mouth instead.
He couldn't wait any more.
He had to go.
He uncurled from his ball, stretching out hands and legs.
Just water.
He struck out, desperate, but only felt more water.
Air.
Please, he needed air.
Another wave forced its way down his throat.
His legs stopped kicking.
No.
No no no no no!
He reached out his left hand, fingertips trailing now through calm waters.
It didn't matter.
He had no strength left to find the surface.
His body convulsed and his arm fell back to his side.
He was going to drown.
He was actually going to drown.
The panic was swallowed up by a different kind of darkness.
Lance went still.
xxx
Lance came to with a start, realizing only as his head slipped beneath water that he had found the surface.
Somehow.
He pushed himself back up, spitting out what he'd just inhaled.
Exhausted legs managed to slowly tread on autopilot as he tried to figure out how he'd gotten free. He thought he'd… he'd…
There was a new ache emanating from his chest that he couldn't credit to any of the walls. It felt almost like someone had pounded on his chest with a boulder.
Tired eyes blinked in comprehension.
Ah. He'd experience the Galran version of CPR apparently. Of course they wouldn't actually let him drown. And Theodek had retrieved him, as promised.
And that promise had consequences.
A chuckle he dreaded only less than Haggar's laugh confirmed his theory. "You need not fear death today, Paladin," Theodek rumbled from above. "You need only to fear me."
That was not comforting in the slightest.
And...
And it was wrong.
A harsh shudder tore through him at the thought. Lance didn't only fear the Galran. He wished that was the case, but no.
Water.
He was becoming afraid of the water.
This coming from the boy who grew up alongside the ocean. From the Blue Paladin whose element was water.
He'd always known water was dangerous.
But his wasn't wasn't just dangerous.
It was malicious.
And it scared him.
Drowning scared him. It didn't matter if the Galra had ways to rescue him from it. Knowing Haggar could save him from a punctured lung didn't give him a sense of comfort either.
It made it scarier.
They could keep doing it.
Keep forcing his head under, forcing him to inhale water instead of air, keep laughing as his struggles slowed.
He couldn't let it become that. He had to fight against the growing fear.
If only it were so simple. Waves created by his treading bumped against his chin and he flinched violently at the contact, which only created more ripples.
"Do you wish to provide information on the Paladins, or shall you amuse me once more?" Theodek called down.
Lance pulled his lips into a thin line.
No matter what happened he could not do that.
It was the only thing he had left to cling to.
Protect his friends.
He'd do so until his dying breath.
"If you so insist."
The gears cranked again but this time there was no rush of water, no churning waves.
Was it too much to hope that this their torture device had broken? Lance doubted it.
When he felt something touch his foot he realized he'd been right.
And then he was being dragged down.
Whatever it was had coiled firmly about his left ankle, wrapped so tight he could feel it biting into his flesh.
He wondered if his ankle was going to be pulled right off.
Maybe Haggar would get to fashion him a prosthetic after all.
A few ticks later his foot slammed into the bottom of the chamber and his body followed with a terrible thud.
Lance couldn't help the reflexive scream.
Gagging against the sudden rush of water, Lance desperately tried to free his ankle from what felt like one of the energy coils, fruitlessly tugging at it.
But it was stuck fast.
His fingers felt clumsy against the restraint and his head was already foggy. He wrapped wounded hands around the cored and pulled.
He felt the coil burn against his raw flesh.
He released it with another cry.
His body begged for air.
He couldn't give it.
He gave another futile jerk of his leg instead but the cord held fast.
Trapped.
He was trapped.
He was going to drown again.
He wondered what Theodek would do this time.
xxx
He came back to with an even worse pain radiating in his chest and his throat feeling like he'd choked down and then back up lava.
His hands were crying at the newest abuse and his left ankle felt like it had been flayed raw.
"I see I had to rescue you again, boy," Theodek called from up above, as though there had been any way for Lance to avoid the energy noose. "This time, let me properly punish you."
Lance's neck became alight with fire.
He wailed with the little voice he had left, hands reaching to grab at the collar and only being shocked themselves for their efforts.
He sank beneath the water, body convulsing.
It didn't stop.
He inhaled another mouthful of water.
It still didn't stop.
He drowned again.
xxx
"Anything to say now?" Theodek's voice rang down as Lance came to, floating on his back.
He wondered how Theodek was getting down there to save him.
He didn't answer the question.
He didn't even have the energy to move from his position, even as he felt his legs trying to drag him down as they sank below the surface.
When he could no longer swim...
What would they do then?
What would he do when he couldn't fight them anymore?
Lance felt like crying.
"Then again."
And just like last time a coil shot out of the floor and wrapped around the same ankle.
He didn't even have the strength to scream.
This time Lance did not fight it. He clumsily moved as best he could to brace for the impact, taking it along his left shoulder and side and his body hovering now in the water at the length of the tether.
He was going to drown again.
And again.
And again.
And they would keep doing it until he told them something.
He was so tired.
He wanted it to stop.
It was never going to stop.
He would never say anything. Not for a moment of respite, not even for his freedom.
He had been caught.
He had been too weak to escape.
And if he gave them up he could never face them again, no matter if he never did see them again. He'd die a thousand times over before he let them get hurt because of him.
This was his fault.
H'd been too weak, too pathetic, to save himself.
The least he could do was make sure he saved them.
But when he couldn't fight anymore...
When he broke...
When Haggar got into his head...
Then what?
xxx
Lance came back to consciousness with the shock collar activating around his neck.
He was under the water before he even realized he'd been above it. Blood from his raw through was mixing with the water now, a bitter concoction his body tried to inhale.
He somehow surfaced still conscious, coughing and hacking and praying it would end.
He couldn't.
No more.
"Do you have information for me?" Theodek asked.
Lance whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut tight.
No.
He had nothing.
The water churned around him this time and Lance didn't have the strength to even try to remain at the surface.
It's not like it mattered.
At this point Theodek seemed to be trying to drown him each time.
The world tilted and Lance smashed into the wall.
Pain exploded as what felt like spikes dug into his shoulder and thigh.
He was tossed away to hit another wall, this time being speared all over his back.
He shrieked.
Blood tainted water filled his mouth.
He blacked out on the fourth strike.
xxx
The shock collar brought him back to reality and he could barely muster up even the energy to make a noise as result of the torture. He slipped back under the water, eyes fluttering.
Water filled his mouth – he hadn't even tried to close it – and Lance kicked leaden legs up to the surface as the collar halted its attack, the sensation of the liquid sliding down the back of his throat giving him the barest line of motivation.
He didn't make it.
Lance drowned again.
xxx
"Pathetic," Theodek snarled from above as Lance came to, not even sure how he was afloat at this point. "So weak. You are no Paladin of Voltron, boy."
Lance felt his body stiffen.
No.
That...
That wasn't true.
His neck lit up with fire and his response was a keening wail.
The shock only lasted for a few seconds though, leaving Lance floundering at the surface.
"Admit it," Theodek taunted. "You are too weak to be a Paladin of Voltron. You are just a boy pretending to be a hero."
Lance gave the barest shake of his head as his heart constricted.
No.
He was.
His heart stuttered.
He was what?
A Paladin?
Or weak?
"Admit it," Theodek repeated, "and I'll stop. Now say it!"
Lance pressed his lips together.
He was shoved back underwater a moment later.
It became an even more hellish nightmare then.
He'd surface to be shocked. Shocked to be pushed under.
Spikes buried themselves in his skin. Blood flowed.
Theodek laughed. Taunted. Demanded an answer.
Something pressed in on his mind.
Haggar.
He tried to throw up a wall of water.
It scared him.
His own mental wall scared him.
Pathetic.
He could feel her then, digging into his mind.
She was going to break it.
He was going to break.
No.
No.
He conjured a mental wall of ice.
It was brittle.
It would only hold her for so long.
He was out of time.
His family was out of time.
He'd failed them.
But...
His shoulder jammed into a spike.
But...
Another scratched his foot.
But...
He could still save them. He could stop this.
He could end it.
He just...
Had to...
To do it.
Dios, he just had to do it.
He'd said he would do anything to protect them.
This... this was him doing anything and everything.
When he surfaced again, breath rasping in his throat, Lance closed his eyes.
He knew what he had to do.
"Please," he whispered, the word barely audible.
It was loud enough.
Dark color filled his vision – gray metal walls illuminated by a faint purple light down below in the water – and with it he could almost feel Haggar's excitement and the extra push on his mental wall.
He shot back a flurry at it.
Just a little more.
It just had to hold for a minute more.
He... he could do it in a minute.
It would all be over in a minute.
He willingly dove beneath the waves after his next re-surfacing, pulse pounding in his ears as water moved past him and with his sight restored he could see the violent waves and eddies.
He pushed past them, doggedly headed for the nearest wall with the rest of his strength.
He prayed it was enough.
He'd only have one chance.
The spikes were as short as he imagined, stretching maybe half the length of his index finger. He placed ravaged hands around the base of one and gave it a futile tug, not surprised when it didn't move. Another wave buffeted him and he clung to the spike despite the pain, knowing he wasn't going to make it back a second time.
One chance to save them. To protect them.
If he failed in this...
Then he failed his family.
Failed the universe.
He glanced down then at his wrists; one peppered with bruises from the manacles and the other distorted in a mixture of inflammation and bruising and so horribly, horribly broken.
They would have to do.
He bowed his head.
This was for the best. He had to save them even if it meant he couldn't save himself.
He had promised himself he'd cross that bridge when he came to it. Well, it was here.
And he'd made his choice.
He would always choose them.
Even if... even if it meant...
Tears welled up in his eyes then and he let them. He was so, so sorry for taking this way out. He hoped they could all forgive him. Someday. He did it for them. He was selfishly doing it to end his own anguish too, if he was honest and why bother lying to himself at the end? They'd understand. He was sure they would. He hoped they would.
And then...
Then they could find a new Blue Paladin. A better one. Someone who was deserving of the title.
Not someone like him. Not someone so weak, so pathetic, this was the only option left he could think of to save them.
He just wan't strong enough to fight anymore.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, apology swallowed up by the water and he felt it flood his lungs.
Even that flare of panic, his own body's panic alarm, couldn't stop him from doing this.
He had to do this.
He closed his eyes then, as despite having finally regained his sight he did not want to see. Instead he pictured his families – his new space one and the one on Earth waiting and waiting and never knowing he wasn't coming home – and he choked on more water as a sob tore through him.
He was never going home.
Lance placed his wrists against two of the spikes, angling them so they could slice cleanly through his flesh and into arteries. He'd only have once chance at this. He had to make it quick, make it so there was no chance for Haggar to save him.
It was now or never.
He prayed it was enough.
Please let his sacrifice be enough.
He took one last inhale, felt water fill his lungs...
And he violently slit open his wrists.
Author's Notes:
Fun fact: This entire story actually came about because I had the scene in my head of Lance being tortured for information about his friends via repeated drowning. I thought that there was something incredibly poetic about his own element being turned against him like that and as we all well know, I am a huge sucker for angst. And then somehow this entire fic formed around the idea of this. You're welcome.
So, Color took an even darker turn. Anyone see that coming? You have to realize though that Lance has zilch idea a rescue is coming and honestly believes he's all alone there. He knows Haggar is about to get inside his head and then his friends are as good as dead, not to mention all of the other havoc the Galrans could wreak with what he knows. While I'm seeing this as more of a sacrifice and this is fiction, please know that suicide is never the answer. If you need help please talk to someone, anyone. Talk to me if you need to. Just know that there are so many people out there who love and care for you.
Ahem. On a happier note... I HAVE FANART! I'm spazzing out. Over the moon, high on sugar-rush kind of spazzing out. You can see the beautiful works of Lance in his mindscape by heyheroics at the bottom of my profile page. If any of you ever draw anything (and omg, I might just die of happiness) please do let me know. I would love to see it!
I'm updating this chapter from my table at Kitsune Kon! First update in Wisconsin, whoot! If you're at the con please do drop by and say hi!
As always, I could not write this story without the encouragement of my amazing reviewers. All my love to: Jadegem02, vickydd, DoctorMerlinReid, wingedflower, Guest, Jennyfish26, JinsTales, shinXlullaby, dragoscilvio, Alexa, Wolf of the Demise, Violinworld, Oliviadbell, Guest, SpiritNeigeNouzarAnael, LishaChan, GryffindorkofOz, luminoslight1313, Lance McClain.45, Rookblonkorules, jaymzNshed, BlueCookiesforRick, WhiteWolf100101, cookiebook322, marvel1015, StrawberryFever3, Eeveecat1248, JustADamFrenchFry, sally3015, natrogona, PaintedWings45, Death Jump, Stargirl720, Abbeyisactualtrash, unicornpie, Guest (thank you for the bunnies darling!), BigMechanicalCatHead and FanaticFangirl2602.
If all goes well I will aim to update on Tuesday so y'all aren't waiting a week with *that* cliffhanger. If you enjoyed please do be sure to leave a comment below; they feed the muse and never fail to encourage me to keep going. Thanks so much for reading. Can't wait to hear what you thought of the chapter!