When sleep didn't come by three in the morning, she finally called it a wash and got out of bed, tiptoeing down the stairs and starting a pot of coffee. She had to be up in a few hours anyway for her flight for Montana. Most of the time the trip was something she looked forward to, anticipated with joy. But this one was different and she felt the sorrow and nausea roil within her. It hadn't been that long ago that she'd last visited, but it was long enough that everything had changed. This would be the last visit with her father. His health had steadily declined in the last month and at first they thought he would rebound like he always had, but things had just gotten worse. He didn't have much time left. His heart was too tired and he was too old.

The stream of coffee slowed to a trickle and she pulled the pot off the warmer, pouring it into a large cup and yawning, despite her brains earlier protestations against sleep. It was all so backwards, every bit of it, but she would much rather stay here in limbo than find out what happened next.

"Mama?"

"Avery, what are you doing up baby?"

"I smelled your coffee. Also I had to go to the bathroom."

"You should go back to bed."

Avery shook her head and climbed up onto the stool, leaning against the counter and looking much wiser than her nine years.

"Sarah told me that it is not always good to be alone when we're sad. She said it's okay sometimes, but mostly we need people that love us the most. You'll be alone on the plane so you should not be alone now."

"Thank you sweetie. But you have school in just a few hours. You need to rest."

Avery frowned and thought deeply for a moment before her eyes brightened.

"How 'bout we snuggle on the couch? You can still have your coffee and I will fall asleep and you won't be alone. Would that be okay?"

"Oh, alright."

They moved to the couch and cuddled up together just as they always had, though Avery was almost too tall. She flopped this way and that until she found a comfortable position, arms gripped around a pillow and hair splayed out behind her.

"Mama?"

"Hmm?"

"Papa is dying, isn't he?"

She asked the question with such innocence in her voice, but at the same time, as someone who wanted to be addressed as an adult.

"Yes Averylin. He is."

"How does that make you feel?"

Lindsay bit the inside of her cheek, turning the question over in her mind. She felt sad, angry, scared. She felt little again and so very old at the same time. She felt uprooted, sucker-punched, and in a lot of ways, unlike herself. As if she was watching from the outside.

"I'm not sure how I feel," she answered finally, twirling one of Avery's curls around her finger.

"If it was me in your shoes, I would feel very helpless."

"Yeah, I feel helpless. That's a very good word for it."

"I'm sad, mama. I'm worried that me and daddy and the boys won't get to see him."

"You guys will join me out there tomorrow afternoon," Lindsay assured, dropping her voice lower so maybe Avery would start to fall asleep.

"But papa might… he might not be there anymore."

"I know."

Avery sniffled and readjusted, burying her face in Lindsay's chest.

"I know when you see him, you will feel sad. But don't forget to also be happy that you have such a good daddy that loves you so much."

"I'll remember, Averylin. That's very good advice, by the way."

"It is? I just made it up."

Lindsay smiled and leaned down to kiss her daughter.

"I love you, Avery."

"I love you too mama. So very most."

They shared a smile at the childish phrase that had somehow become a normal part of conversation.

"So very, very, very most. Now, you need to get some sleep."

"Wake me before you leave."

"I will. Promise."

So many years ago, she'd flown out here and found herself with her hand on the door of her father's hospital room, bracing herself to enter. It had terrified her then, and everything had been fine. But just as before, she couldn't stand there forever, and pushed the door open.

The room was quiet, save for the steady yet slow beeping of the heart monitor. He mother sat next to the bed, asleep but quite obviously not resting. Lindsay didn't want to wake her, so she moved to her dads other side, leaning down to kiss his cheek. He didn't stir and she wondered if he would wake for her at all.

"Hey daddy. I hope you're feeling up to company. Sorry I smell like airplane."
She took his hand and settled back in the chair, watching his chest rise and fall.

"Adam and the kids will be here tomorrow. They said to tell you that they love you. I know you know that and I know you may not know I'm here, much less know what I'm saying. You're not much for this sappy stuff anyway."

The machines beeped in response and she sighed, rubbing the back of his hand.

"Daddy, do you remember when I said I was moving to New York? You were so mad. I didn't realize why at the time. I thought you were worried about safety, that I couldn't take care of myself in the big, scary city. I thought you were being selfish, wanting me to stay here. Now I know. You wanted me to be okay. You were worried I was leaving my support system too soon. But you were still the first one to help me pack and sell all my stuff. You put me on that train with tears in my eyes after you yelled at me about how Monroes don't chicken out. You didn't want me to go, but you knew I had to do it then or I never would. And I never thanked you for that daddy. That tough love made me brave. It made me fight for what I wanted and it made me a better wife and mother than I would have been without it. Funny how you never appreciate those things in the moment."

He stirred slightly and she sat up, waiting to see if he would wake. His eyes opened and drifted around, then closed again, and she knew he hadn't been cognizant. If he had been, he would have tried harder to see her.

"It's okay daddy. You need rest. I'm sure mom will want to talk your ear off when you wake up. And I will too. Even if you roll your eyes, some things never change."

"Hey babe."

"Hey."

"How's everyone doing?"

"Stable," she answered softly, pacing the hallway. "He's asleep."

"How are you?"

"I'm… it's weird but I'm… grateful, I think? He woke up for almost an hour. He was a little confused and he kept drifting in and out, but he knew I was here. He told me that he loves me and that he's proud of me, that I made his life so much better. That he loves you and the kids too. I really can't ask for anything better, can I?"

"No, not really."

"How are you guys doing?"

"We're good. The kids are packed and I sent them to bed early so they would get up without a fight in the morning. Austin's taking us to the airport in the morning and Hannah is okay to take care of the animals until we get back."

"What time will you be here?"

"Noon, I think. We'll just rent a car and meet you at the hospital. Is there anything that you forgot that I can bring for you? I'm finishing up my bag right now."

"I need shoes."

"You… don't have any?"

His puzzlement brought a slight smile to her face as she pictured his expression and the hand he would run through his hair.

"No, I mean I need those black heels."

"Oh," he breathed in understanding, exactly where those shoes would be worn. "I'll bring them. I just hope… you know, TSA doesn't go through my bag and wonder what some dude is doing with black heels packed with his underwear."

She spit out a quiet laugh, shaking her head at his ability to bring some levity to the moment. He really was her perfect other.

"I love you Linds."

"I love you too. So much."

"I don't want to keep you too long, just wanted to check in."

"Okay. Get some sleep and I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Goodnight babe. Try to rest a little."

"I will. Night."

She pocketed the phone and returned to the room where her mom and brothers were all sitting. The mood had dulled considerably, and she knew. They all knew.

"Daddy? What should we say?" Ben asked curiously, staring out the window of the car.

"You don't have to say anything, Benjamin. You just hug mama, okay? That will help the most."

"What will it be like? Papa is always here when we come to Montana," Avery noted, her voice wavering. "And what about…"

She trailed off and Ben moved to put his arm around her.

"The funeral is going to be sad," Adam started, eyes on the road so he didn't have to look at his heartbroken kids. "But it's also a time for everyone to remember his life, not just that he's not here."

"Aves, Ben and I will sit on either side of you, really close," Colton said, reaching back from his spot in the front seat to squeeze her knee. "You can cry and no one will see it."

"Okay. I don't like to cry where people can see me. It's embarrassing, even if it's the right time to cry."

They fell silent as Adam pulled up to the house. Normally the sight brought whoops of joy, but today none of them felt that at all. Still, they hurried out of the car and across the lawn, crashing into Lindsay with hugs. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her face was puffy from crying, but none of them paid that any mind.

"Oh mama! Are you okay?"

"I'm sad baby, but that's okay."

"Does your chest hurt? Mine and Ben's do."

"It does. It really hurts."

"Where is Granna? Can we go in and see her?"

"She's upstairs."

The three of them scampered inside and Lindsay took one step, shedding her armor as she fell into Adam's arms. He held her up and she cried, clutching at his shirt and letting out the deep sobs that had been in her throat all day.

"Shh, I know babe. I know."

"I miss him."

"I know."

"What if I still need him? Or what if I don't? Adam…"

He held her closer and she wrapped her arms around his waist, suddenly knowing how he'd felt a few years ago, wishing she'd had the right words then.

"One day at a time, babe. That's all you can do."

"What about my mom? She's already so… I don't know how to help her."

"Just be there. That's all that she'll be able to handle right now. Be there for her like the kids are for you. Just be her daughter."

"I think I can."

"You can. And I'm here too. Not going anywhere."

She nodded against him and pulled away slightly, smiling despite it all when be brushed her tears away.

"I love you."

"I love you too. Let's go inside, huh?"

She'd spent two hours cleaning the kitchen just for something to keep busy, and by the time she'd thrown oatmeal in the crockpot and prepared the coffee maker for the morning, everyone else was asleep. She thought about heading up herself, but her fingers twitched with the need of something to do. Being still was too hard and she knew she wouldn't fall straight to sleep anyway, which would keep Adam up.

She was just wondering if she could quietly dust the ceiling fan when her phone buzzed, alerting her to a Facetime call. She accepted, expecting Austin, but getting the smaller version instead.

"Hey Isa."

"Hi Indy."

A silence stretched. It had been over six months since the incident and they'd slowly smoothed things over, but it hadn't been the same since.

"I just wanted to call because… well, I love you Indy. And I wish I could be there for you. I know how much you love your dad and I just want you to know that he was special to me too. He and your mom always treat us like we're their grandkids too. And your dad even let me interview him for that project I had to do for school."

Her eyes filled with tears and Lindsay sat down at the table, wishing she could pull the girl into her arms and hold her for a bit.

"And I was thinking about how he maybe didn't know that he was special to us, and I started to feel guilty because I haven't told you that I love you in so long because apparently I like to hold grudges forever even when I know I'm wrong."

"Honey, slow down."

"But you need to know."

"I do know, Isa. I've never forgotten."

"I'm so, so sorry. For sneaking out and lying and pulling Avery into it. For my attitude after too. Especially that. I… Indy, thank you so much for loving me enough to punish me."

"Kiddo, I will punish you until the end of time."

Isa chuckled and swiped at her tears.

"I'm glad you called," Lindsay said, holding back her own tears. "I've missed you."

"I missed you too. I wasn't mad anymore, but it hasn't been the same. I really just wanted to… Indy, could I have your lap when you get back?"

"Of course, my girl."

"How are you doing?"

"I'm sad, baby. Kind of numb, I suppose. It's like it didn't really happen."

"It will be worse tomorrow, won't it?"

"Yes."

"But you have Adam to help you feel better. And your whole family, you can support each other and remember all the good stuff right? That helps?"

"It does. A lot."

"Do you need ma to come out there?"

Lindsay chuckled.

"No, but I'll need her when I get back."

"Okay. Want me to cheer you up before you go to bed?"

"I'd love that."

Isa's eyes brightened and she nodded.

"Remember Colt told you about that kid who got suspended before Christmas because he unscrewed all the toilets from the floor in the bathrooms at school?"

"Oh yeah."

"Well he's in my history class, and we were on the topic of women in sports for some reason, and I said that some guys suck at sports and it doesn't matter what gender you are, you can play whatever you want. And he says "I'd like to see you throw a baseball!" So I grabbed my water bottle and chucked it at him and hit him in the crotch."

"Isa!"

"He slumped over and whined even though it was an empty plastic one, and I said "I'd like to see you bear a child!" The teacher told me to stay after and when I did he said that he agreed with my opinion, but we can't change people's minds by hitting them in the groin."

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.

"Oh Is. There's no one else quite like you."

"Good."

"You should probably go to bed though. It's late there."

"I know. I just couldn't sleep until I talked to you. Are we alright, Indy?"

"We're alright. I love you, pigeon."

"I love you too, Indy. Goodnight."

They ended the call and Lindsay stood up from the table. The few moments of levity had given her a tighter grasp on reality, and she knew she couldn't stay up all night. She needed to be at the top of her game tomorrow. She had a mother to take care of.