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As Color Fades Away

Chapter Thirty-Nine

How long they remained in their embrace was anyone's guess. A while, for sure, based on how Hunk's back was beginning to ache, but he was not going to let go until Lance was ready. Not that he wanted to ever let go. He'd needed this too, this assurance that Lance was alive and safe and here.

The boy's sobs had quieted after a few minutes, but Lance had made no indication to pull away or show that he was uncomfortable. His breathing was slowly but surely evening the longer they sat, but it was not deepening into the level of unconsciousness. Despite how exhausted Hunk knew Lance had to be, he could not sleep.

It just made Hunk hold him tighter.

Lance finally shifted slightly and that was the cue to move. Hunk reluctantly dropped his arms and Coran gave Lance's hand one last squeeze before he too retreated, but neither moved from their spot on the bed right next to Lance.

Lance's gaze darted to his right hand before hurriedly leaving it, tucking it and the left into his lap, and looked instead between Coran and Hunk. "My hand," he whispered, the fingers on it twitching ever so slightly. "What… is… is it… bad?"

"You sustained some terrible injuries," Coran said gently, holding the red-rimmed gaze with his own. "The cryo-pod healed many of them."

"But…" Lance's eye moved without his permission to his right hand. Although his breath hitched at the sight, he pushed down the original panic, observing it for himself. He remembered the burn. It was his punishment for… He shuddered at that. And the rest…

He could see a scar on the top of his hand, a matching one on his left. But his left didn't feel… off. He clenched his left hand, knuckles white against mocha skin. He did the same to his right, but his hand would not close. He felt his fingers quiver, they heard the command, but they did not move. His breath caught again.

"Your right hand and arm were severely damaged," Coran explained, his tone low. "The cryo-pod was able to make the limb whole, but it had been left in such a state for such a prolonged period that not all of the injuries could be fully healed. I am so sorry, lad."

Lance tried to make a fist once more. His fingers curled a little bit, but not the way they should.

He remembered thinking he might lose a hand. He'd contemplated not being able to shoot anymore if that happened.

But thinking about the possibility and now having it come true and in a fashion that didn't leave him with no hand, but a useless one… With this he no longer served any purpose for the team. If he couldn't even hold a gun then he couldn't be a Paladin. Plain and simple.

His chest constricted as the words sunk in.

He couldn't be a Paladin.

It's not like he deserved the role, he knew. He never had. He'd just happened to be in the right place at the right time to find Blue so he could bring everyone else up to the castle.

But still…

When he'd found Blue he'd felt for the first time that he could be something more than just a cargo pilot and the class clown. He'd felt a purpose.

But being out here in space, surrounded by the other members of his team and their amazing talents, he'd felt purpose dwindle. He tried to be a Paladin. He did whatever Shiro asked, pushed himself as hard as he could.

And he still wasn't good enough. Not at piloting Blue. Not at fighting. Not at following orders or coming up with ideas. He contributed nothing. Blue was the real star, shining so brightly that he couldn't believe he'd ever thought he'd deserved her.

He wasn't a Paladin. He was a child, just as Theodek had said. And this… all of this proved it. The only thing he'd ever actually been decent at was shooting, for all the good it did as normally Keith and Shiro picked off enemies before he could fire and there had never yet been a real need for sniping. But with his hand like this… even that had been taken from him.

He was worse than useless now.

Now he was a burden.

"Lance," Hunk's voice sounded and by the tone of it he may have been trying to get Lance's attention for a while. He jerked his head up, feeling the telltale darkening of his cheeks that seemed to be his default now.

But Hunk just gave him a relieved, worried smile. "You didn't let Coran finish," he said. "There's still hope for your hand."

Lance stared, not daring to believe it.

Coran cleared his throat. "Number Two is right," he said, keeping Lance's gaze. "Although the cryo-pod was not able to fully repair your hand and wrist, it did reconnect all of the pieces. It is possible through some conditioning and time it will improve."

Improve. Not heal. Just get better. Possibly just a poor choice of words on Coran's part, but Lance's mind centered on it. Improve. Improve how much?

Would it be enough to be useful again? Could he even do it? Lance glanced back at the limp appendage, feeling the fear of failure curdle in him. He failed at everything he tried. Why would this be any different?

"We'll help you," Hunk said, and Lance could feel the determination behind those words. "We all will, Lance." He took a deep breath, tone becoming more serious. "And I… I know it's going to be hard. And it's going to take time. So we'll take all the time we need, okay? Will you let us help you? Por favor?"

Lance felt those same warm embers stir inside of him that Shiro's words had conjured. They all cared that much? They wanted to help him?

The dark hiss of Haggar seemed to echo though. They were only offering to help because he was incapable of doing it on his own. And after they poured all their time and effort into assisting him and he still failed they'd be mad. And disappointed. Lance shivered. He couldn't bear to disappoint Shiro or Allura anymore. He didn't want them to waste their time on someone like him.

But would Shiro be even more disappointed if he didn't even try? Yes, he decided, suppressing a shiver. As Haggar said, Shiro had never given up, not in the way he had.

He could try, at least. He'd fail, most likely. But if he didn't have to see the look of sheer disappointment on Shiro's face yet – not until his hero found out what Lance had done – he'd try. So against his better judgment he nodded and Hunk's face lit up.

"Speaking of the others," Coran said, "they would all very much like to see you. Are you up for visitors?"

Was he? Lance shivered again, the motion reminding him that he was rather cold now that he wasn't enveloped in Hunk's arms. That action led him to look down at his hands, which brought his attention to the ugly scars and he blanched at them.

"Here." Hunk held out one of the thin blankets that felt like silk. "You're still running a fever, but I know how cold the cryo-pods are."

Lance tentatively took it with his left hand before he flipped it about his shoulders. He felt a bit better now with it draped over him. Less exposed. He shivered again, vividly remembering sitting on a lab table and feeling like some specimen as Haggar and Theodek laughed. He dragged his feet up to him, pointedly not looking at them, and hunched further over inside his blanket. Coran and Hunk exchanged a concerned look.

"It is all right if you are not," Coran said gently, taking in the miserable looking form. "You are still sick, Lance."

But Lance shook his head. He owed it to them. If they wanted to see him – and wording it like that even in his own mind made him blanch – who was he to stop them?

Coran pursed his lips as if he could sense Lance's train of thought. "No more than thirty dobashes," he allowed, stepping into the role of both parent and doctor and knowing he made the right call as a tiny bit of tension eased from Lance's shoulders. "It'll be straight to bed after that as your body needs rest. Is that acceptable?"

Lance nodded, pulling the blanket even tighter, having to grab the other half with his left hand as his right would not grasp it. It was trembling even more now and Lance tucked it up against himself and turning it so the burn was mostly hidden. He felt sick just looking at it.

His stomach gave another flip at the thought of what lied beneath it. He hurriedly looked to the left, feeling more bile tickle his throat. But the skin there was unblemished. It was like he hadn't… like he hadn't tried to…

But he had. He swallowed heavily against the acid rising up his throat. He had and that knowledge couldn't be so easily erased.

Tears stung at his eyes and he closed them to try and contain the traitorous liquid, knowing he really couldn't lose any more. Not when he couldn't replace it because he was so pathetic that drinking water scared him.

Did he do it to protect them? He thought he had. He'd wanted to keep them safe. But Haggar was right too. He did want to escape. He had wanted an end.

And actions spoke louder than words ever could.

Would they listen if he tried to explain? Understand? Did he even understand?

"Lance?" Hunk was looking worriedly at him again and Lance hated that he kept putting such an expression on his friend's face. Hunk shouldn't be that worried about him. None of them should be. He wasn't worth it.

Worthless he heard Haggar sneer. They see you for what you are: a disgrace.

"We don't have to get the others," Hunk told him quietly. "They'll understand. Maybe some peace and quiet—"

"No," Lance interrupted, surprising himself at the sudden desperation he felt. He couldn't be left alone right now. Not with Haggar peppering into his thoughts again, her words a darkness that even now left a shadow. "No," he repeated, quieter. "I… I want to see them."

Hunk's smile didn't quite reach his eyes, but he nodded. "All right then."

"Before that," Coran interjected, "Lance, lad, if you are up for it we really ought to get some nutrients in you. They'll go a ways to helping you feel better and recover from this fever."

Lance could feel himself pale at the thought. He knew he needed to eat something, even if the thought of food made his stomach twist, but he didn't know if he could. Throwing up had been terrifying enough.

"Perhaps we could try the candy again for now?" Hunk suggested. "And if that's okay, maybe we try something else a little later?" He was already wracking his brain trying to remember if they had any type of oat-like item he could work with. It had been a while since they'd landed anywhere for supplies, but he thought maybe they had that weird looking barley plant… maybe?

"Okay," Lance agreed after a moment.

This time when Coran held out the candy, already unwrapped, Lance cautiously took it in a slightly shaky left hand.

He could feel hopeful eyes on him as he brought it to his mouth. He didn't have to swallow it, he reminded himself. Just… just let it melt like a real butterscotch candy. That…that wouldn't be bad, right? That wouldn't turn him into a shaking mess, or at least he hoped.

Summoning his courage – and really, courage to eat candy? – he popped it in his mouth.

The subtle taste of butterscotch mixed with – vanilla, maybe? – coated his tongue and Lance's eyes widened, but for the first time in a long while not out of fear but out of pleasant surprise. He had nearly forgotten what things other than the acid of bile and the copper of blood tasted like.

This… this was heaven. He tentatively rolled it on his tongue, clacking the candy against his teeth. Nothing bad happened. No flashback. No urge to throw up or choke. No feeling of not being able to breathe.

"Do you like it?" Coran asked pleasantly, eyes crinkling that showed he already knew the answer. But it was hard not to smile. Lance had, for the first time since the rescue, not looked scared or upset or despondent. He was not smiling himself yet, but in that moment he appeared almost content.

Lance nodded. "Gracias," he murmured carefully around the candy. "It's… it's really good."

"The princess has an abnormally large stash that we shall be sure to take full advantage of then."

Lance gave the tiniest hum of acknowledgement and this time when Coran and Hunk caught each other's eyes it was with shared delight. It was a small step, minuscule even. But it was a step forward.

"I shall go fetch the others," Coran said, rising to his feet. "If you are still certain you're up for visitors, Lance."

"I am," Lance said quietly. "But…" He trailed off, uncertain.

"What is it, lad?"

Lance gave the barest of inclinations to his right arm, still tucked up against his stomach. "Can I… can I…?" He shivered again, a combination of cold and fear.

Coran understood immediately, heart clenching. "I'm afraid I can't let you put on anything heavier right now due to your body temperature. But if you are not opposed I can place a bandage wrap?"

"Por favor," Lance whispered.

Coran scooped one of the many bandage rolls still about the room and tenderly wrapped them from Lance's right elbow to the base of his hand, covering the entirety of the burn while Lance kept his gaze entirely averted. "Is that all right? Would you like me to wrap your hands as well?" Lance nodded.

"They don't hurt, do they?" Hunk asked as Coran just as carefully covered Lance's hands to hide the scars from view.

"No," Lance shook his head. "I just…" Couldn't bear to see them. Didn't want anyone else looking either. He wanted to cover them up and pretend just for a moment that these physical signs of his weakness weren't visible.

Coran patted his left hand when he was done. "Shall I wrap the one on your neck too, lad?"

Another nod.

Lance flinched as Coran carefully covered this one up, ending up squeezing his eyes shut so he didn't see the hands pass in front of his him as Coran handed the bandage off to himself. The hands weren't purple. They weren't furry. But they were still, much, much too close to his face.

"Do I… do I have any more?" Lance summoned up the nerve to ask. His arms and hands were really the only visible part of himself that he could see; the rest covered up with sweat pants and the t-shirt. He'd tucked his feet up and away without looking, too afraid of what he'd find.

Coran looked pained. "Yes, lad," he sighed, knowing that keeping them silent would only hurt Lance more later when he found them. "You have one on the bottom of each of your feet and one below your ribs on your front. But I am pleased to say that your feet suffered no lasting damage that the pod could not fix and once you're feeling up to it you can move about the castle."

"Oh."

He was honestly surprised there weren't more. And yet, why did there have to be any at all? Each one just served as a reminder of what they'd done to him… No. What he'd allowed them to do. A fresh tear tracked down his cheek.

"Lance," Coran said and he sounded serious. More serious than Lance had ever heard him. Lance slowly brought his eyes to meet Coran's jeweled ones. "Listen to me very carefully. These scars do not define you, nor should you feel ashamed of them."

Lance dropped his gaze. How could he not feel ashamed? They were permanent marks inflicted because of his own failures. Dios, he had panicked upon seeing one and feeling another. He couldn't even bear to look at them now; each sweep making his stomach turn and tears sting.

"They are marks of your courage and bravery," Coran continued, resisting very strongly to tilt Lance's chin back up. "I know that right now you may not think of them as that, but know that we all do. They are not showing a weakness; they show strength. And Lance, you are stronger than any individual I have had the honor to know."

The sincerity in Coran's voice made more tears spring to Lance's eyes. How could Coran say such nice things to him? About him? Shiro too, back when he'd regained his vision. They all sounded so sure, so confident that Lance wasn't weak or worthless.

He wanted to believe them. He wanted to soak in those words and let them warm him from the inside and chase away the still present and gnawing darkness. But something was stopping him. Something told him that they might believe those things now, but they wouldn't later once they saw him for the failure that he knew he was.

If he was as strong as they said… if he truly was then he would have escaped. He wouldn't have been captured in the first place. He would never have fallen so far that taking his own life was the only option left. He'd have fought and resisted until the end.

He had, for a while. He could acknowledge that. He'd tried really hard to be a Paladin and he had almost escaped. But after they drowned him, and he shuddered, he had been ready to give up. He had given up, right there in his mindscape. He was going to let Haggar have his quintessence, have whatever information she desired.

It was only when she actually tried to take it that he had fought back with the desperate, instinctive desire to protect his friends for as long as he could. They hadn't beaten him yet.

But then they had. When Haggar had made him believe that his friends had come and gone he'd fallen. Surrendered. Failed.

And if he hadn't been rescued then... If Haggar hadn't been distracted by the actual arrival of Team Voltron then… then he'd truly have failed them. She would have taken everything and he couldn't have stopped her. He was too gone to fight back.

He was weak. He had been about to give in, to give up. And once they found out – and he knew they would, somehow, stomach curdling – they would want nothing to do with him. Paladins didn't give up. A real Paladin wouldn't quit.

But he had. He had and he knew it and soon they would too.

Lance realized a moment later he'd gotten lost in his own thoughts again when Hunk's worried voice cut through the fog.

"Lo siento," he apologized, voice a mere whisper. "Estoy aquí."

"We can postpone the others coming up," Hunk suggested cautiously.

Lance shook his head though. "No… please I… I do want to see them."

Coran and Hunk exchanged a look that had Lance darting his eyes back down.

"Sit tight then," Coran finally said, getting to his feet. "I'll be back in a jiffy."

The advisor hurried as quick as he could through the hall to the kitchen, knowing the others were likely beyond worried given the long absence.

He found them just as he imagined; Keith pacing the kitchen, Pidge with one of the books on quintessence in front of her although she didn't seem to actually be reading it, and Allura and Shiro sitting at the other end of the table with a tablet detailing the castle's defense systems and current output.

He attracted every eye in the room as he stepped over the threshold and only her royal upbringing and subsequent decorum kept Allura from launching herself at her advisor and demanding answers. She still hurried over though with a look that demanded answers and despite the seriousness of the situation Coran felt his moustache curl up with a smile.

"Lance has awoken," he said, holding up both hands to ward off the questions everyone looked to answer at once. "He would like to see everyone, but he is very tired. His body is exhausted from the ordeal and needs rest. I am therefore putting a cap of thirty dobashes on the visit. Once he has gotten some quality sleep and hopefully some food then you may all visit again."

"You know best," Shiro nodded. "How… how is he?"

"Tired," Coran said quietly. "Scared. A little confused. He continues to waver between this reality and memories, which are expounded upon triggers, like his scars. They are covered per his request right now and I ask that, as much as you can, to avoid looking at them."

Heads nodded about the room.

"It should go without saying, but please do not ask anything of him right now," Coran continued. "If Lance brings it up or wishes to speak on events we will all of course listen and respond accordingly. But he is in a very fragile state."

"What happened?" Allura asked, eyes narrowing. She sensed more to this story.

Coran sighed. "I had wished to postpone my discovery, but Lance has found that his right hand was not fully healed by the cryo-pod."

"What?" Pidge whispered.

"But it looked fine," Keith protested.

"It does indeed appear to be healed," Coran said. "But the short version is that the nerves and muscles were badly damaged. The cryo-pod did reattach all of the endings, but they are mostly unresponsive. Number Two has volunteered our services to assisting in its possible recovery, but as of right now I cannot say for certain whether such a recovery is attainable."

A horrified silence followed Coran's announcement.

Shiro was the first to shake it off, his prosthetic whining as he clenched his fist. He tried not to imagine Lance with a matching one and instead kept his voice even. "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Right now we should be grateful that Lance is okay and otherwise going to make a full recovery." He looked to Coran for confirmation of that, relieved at the nod. "That's what's most important. All right?"

"One more thing," Coran said, although he looked less worried and more contrite. "Princess, I may or may not have unearthed your stash of dagiko candies."

Her eye twitched. "What?" Dagiko candies weren't all that easy to come by and she had been sure to stock up at the last stop at the space mall, spending a small fortune.

"Lance is still adverse to consuming any substance or liquid," Coran said, voice dropping. "I believed a candy may be a step in the right direction and both he and Number Two have expressed their pleasure with them."

A smile turned up her lips then. "If it is for Lance, he is welcome to them. I am glad he has found them pleasing." Her eyes narrowed then. "But how exactly did you know about them, Coran? And where to find them?"

"Come, come, Lance is waiting for us," Coran said instead, ushering Pidge off her seat.

"Coran…"

He had the gall to give her a cheeky smile. "Nothing escapes these eyes, Princess. Not to mention you have some rather furry informants."

She turned her glare on the four mice, who were helping themselves to a plate of food goo. Plachu had the good grace to look remorseful, but the other three grinned at her. She sighed, shaking her head with a rueful smile.

"Enough talk," Keith said, having already jumped to his feet, worry and nerves making his tone sharp. "Let's go."

That was all the urging everyone needed as they gathered up items and headed over to Allura's room. They were quiet in their urgency, as despite how much they desired to see Lance up and about, what exactly did one say under these circumstances?

It reminded Keith too much of going to a hospital. He felt a shiver make its way through him, recalling the too white walls and sterile scent of disinfectant as strongly now as twelve years ago.

Lance wasn't dying, he knew that. Not like his dad, propped up in that narrow bed, skin sagging and eyes hollow as the drugs that worked to save his life killed him slowly instead. He hadn't known what to say then – feel better? Please don't leave me? I need you? – and certainly didn't know what to say now.

Did Lance even want to see him? He had asked about him, seemed worried. But then Keith had sort of yelled at him – again – and why, he wondered, did he always get so angry at Lance? Even when he was trying to show that he cared he found himself raising his voice. Was his default just to be the angry jerk that Lance teased him about?

He needed to make things right. He wanted to be Lance's friend. He wanted to be a part of his family. And to do that he needed to keep a level head. He needed to express himself in a way that wouldn't earn him a sorrowful look from Shiro.

He took a deep breath. What would Shiro do? Shiro would be honest, but sincere. He'd maybe give Lance a hug – although whether Lance wanted a hug right now and if Keith felt comfortable enough to initiate one was another set of questions – and assure him that they were all there for him.

A hand bumped against his own and Keith looked down, surprised to see Pidge holding her palm open. He tentatively took it and she squeezed his hand tightly.

"Quit worrying. Just be yourself," she murmured, targeting in on his problems with stunning accuracy. "And not the angry jerk persona," and his breath caught, hearing Lance's laughter behind her words. "Be you."

"What if he doesn't forgive me?" Keith whispered, giving voice to his biggest fear. Because the Lance he'd seen since the rescue had been confused and scared and fevered and wasn't always in the right mindset. This time though… This Lance would remember Keith's short words and parting shot.

He closed his eyes in memory. He could hear himself saying it over the comms. Focus on the mission. Are you sure you can handle your assignment? You're taking an awfully long time.

God. He was such a jerk. How had he ever thought those were things a leader would say? Well, he would allow himself the focus comment. Lance and Blue really shouldn't have been goofing off while they'd been fighting overhead. But the rest? And the tone?

Why did Shiro think he would make a good leader again? He had been cruel. There was no other word for it. He thought he had been leading when he said things like that, but he hadn't been. He'd only been breaking the team instead of making it stronger.

Strength, he was learning, was not always something that could be measured or quantified and it didn't mean physical strength either. Strength came in all forms. And he wished he'd realized that sooner. He could have spared Lance pain. He could have been building a friendship rather than knocking it down.

"You're an idiot," Pidge told him, although there was a fondness behind her words. "Lance isn't going to forgive you because there's nothing to forgive. Haven't you realized that?"

"But—"

"Keith," Pidge cut in. "Listen. You made some mistakes, yes. You're not a very tactful person. Or good at expressing your feelings." Keith wasn't sure if he should bristle at the observation or sigh with the resignation that she was right. He was pretty awful on that front. "But Lance knows that," Pidge continued. "Why do you think he tries so hard to include you? He wants you to feel more comfortable with us. So apologize if you need to, but just be there for him. Show him that you care."

"How?" he asked desperately. Almost every attempt he'd made had backfired.

And Pidge snorted softly, drawing him up short. "Be you," she said. "Be the Keith we've been getting to know the last few days. He's rather shy, socially awkward, and he cares so much about his family even though he doesn't always know how to show it. Be him. We love that Keith and Lance will too."

"Really?"

"Really." She gave his hand another squeeze.

And heart lighter and head clearer, Keith determined to do just that.

xxx

These author's notes are going to be a little long today. Apologies. But do try to read all of them as we've got some important stuff here!

Biggest announcement is that Color is going to go back to once a week updates on Fridays. I know. But I've gotten a lot of PMs/comments about how readers don't have the time to, well, read. And given that fanfiction is supposed to be fun and not something to rush to read and catch up on, it makes the most sense to give you all more time between chapters. Plus, it gives me a little breathing room too. :)

BUT for those of you grabbing pitchforks I offer up something else. Next week Wednesday I'll be publishing a new Voltron fic starring Lance and Keith in an epic, bromantic and hurt/comfort adventure titled The Purity of Sin. It will update bi-weekly to weekly. Estimating that one though to only be about 20 chapters instead of this behemoth. I do hope you check it out!

Also, I'm excited to say that Color has moved into my second longest chaptered fic ever! We're nearly at 200k words too (over that as you can see, but subtracting author's notes xd). Next chapter we'll hit that 200k word mark and dear lord, that is insane!

Love and hugs to the fabulous reviewers: Sarah, Wolf of the Demise, migraine, StrawberryFever3, Oliviadbell, bluethepaladin, This-Lil'-Fan-Girl, RowerLovesAstronomy, wingedflower, Guest, WhiteTails, Sirrius The Moonblade, Neko Noire, imagine forevermore, catlover2976, dragoscilvio, Berrybanana05, HetaRosFangirl, Noel, LishaChan, Jennyfish26, geekyglamour413, PutPutJunior, Jadegem02, Alzion, Alexa, Justanangryfangirl, Guest, Rookblonkorules, DoctorMerlinReid, White Space Lion, Adrianna Agray, Egg rolls, TheTheoryofFangirling, , IceAurora, Scones, Shadow Gray, PurpleSkyHorizons, Guest, Gay Legs, Pheonixwarrior123, Guest, The-Angst-Chronicles, rwbygirl, Lasagna, Supergurkan and PaintedWings45! I love and appreciate you guys so much, thank you!

And since I've been getting these questions all across the board, here's a little tiny FAQ for your convenience regarding Color. Enjoy!

Q: When is Haggar coming? My, my you really want her to get her claws on Lance again, don't you? Haggar will not be coming for a while and I promise, I will touch base with her again BEFORE she makes her move. Let's give our boy some time to recuperate, huh?

Q: What are you doing with Lance's hand? Patience, young padawans! Lance has barely had time to process it all for himself yet, let's not rush. It's a big decision no matter what happens and we ought to give him some time to sort through it.

Q: When are going to get more of (Character here)(particularly Keith? xD)? I am doing my best to form a well-balanced story in Color and that means that not every character (except Lance :p) gets to be front and center at all times. Some characters, like Keith, had larger roles in the first half and others now, like Hunk and Coran, are getting some more because of who they are to Lance in this particular setting. Everyone is going to get screen time. Everyone is going to get to bond with Lance. Everyone is going to have bonding moments with everyone. I promise, whoever your favorite is they will get cute moments and angsty moments and bonding moments. It's going to be okay.

And as always, I really really do appreciate your comments. Don't be just a pageview, review too! :p