X
As Color Fades Away
Chapter Forty
The walk from the kitchen to Allura's chambers was not overly long and before they knew it they were entering the room, still in that hushed, respectful silence, and making their way to the bed.
Lance was sitting up, leaning somewhat on a large stack of pillows, but his eyes were closed. Even from here they could see the dark circles. Hunk looked up at them as they entered, seated on the bed himself and leaning up against the headboard a few paces from Lance.
It made hope bloom in Shiro that Lance was allowing for such close proximity. Perhaps now that he wasn't in pain and could see that initial fear was diminishing.
"Hey, buddy," Shiro greeted warmly, smile widening as Lance cracked open ocean eyes that focused on him before drifting to the other occupants who were pulling up chairs. Pidge after a moment's hesitation eased herself onto the foot of the bed given the lack of seats, but keeping herself well outside of Lance's personal bubble.
"Hola," Lance murmured, straightening somewhat. A thin blanket that had been wrapped about his shoulders slipped slightly and Lance almost desperately tugged it back into place, using the folds to hide bandaged hands. Shiro's heart ached at how painfully young Lance looked in that moment.
"How are you feeling?" Allura asked, lowering her hands to the bed and allowing the mice to scamper off, all of them racing to one of the pillows near Lance and perching themselves atop it with little squeaks of their own greeting.
"Okay," he said softly, not meeting her eyes and instead looking down at the mice. "A little tired."
He did glance up then, frown tugging at his lips. "Are… are all of you all right?" Everyone save Coran and Keith were sporting an assortment of bruises or little bandages. His eyes flicked to Keith, remembering that Keith had been hurt enough to be bleeding and actually sounding like he was in pain, a near first for the normally stoic Red Paladin.
"Perfectly peachy," Allura assured him. "We are all doing much better seeing you up and about." The others nodded around, murmuring similar assessments.
"And…and Blue? And Black? And the other Lions?" Because although no one had yet told him about the process for rescuing him – and he only remembered flashes of pain and heat and gunfire – he knew from Blue that the Lions were involved somehow.
"They're all in the main hall," Hunk said. "Tired too, but not in too bad of shape." He looked at Coran and Pidge, knowing that the less direct attention on Lance right now was the best. "We'll look over them soon, yeah?"
"Indeed," Coran stroked his moustache. "It would do well to have them return to their hangars as well. Goodness knows those floors are going to need a nice polishing after all of their scuffing."
A flash of guilt filled Lance's face. He knew why the Lions must have all landed there. "I'm—"
"Granted, they've been needing a thorough cleaning for quite a while now," Coran cut him off before he could utter his apology. "Perhaps we can make it a team exercise, hm? The whole castle could use a good scrubbing actually." He looked positively delighted at the idea while the looks of resignation from everyone save Lance weren't even exaggerated.
"How about it, Lance?" Coran asked, shooting him a smile. "You can assist me in delegating the tasks. Shall we mark Number Four down for toilet scrubbing now?"
"Hey!" Keith protested, but more out of habit than actual ire. He instead was watching Lance's face, looking for a twitch of a smile or amusement at the suggestion. Nothing. Coran too seemed to have been hoping for some such reaction as his smile faltered a bit when Lance didn't respond at all.
"Lance, hey," Hunk said, not touching him but pushing on the mattress between them to jostle it slightly.
Dark eyes blinked, and then a flush not related to the fever spread across his cheeks as he realized he'd zoned out again. "Lo siento. Estoy aquí." He cleared his throat, trying again. "Sorry. I'm here."
"You don't have to apologize," Shiro chided gently. "You're tired. We can come back after you've had some rest."
"Espera," Lance said quickly, jerking his head up. "Wait. Por favor. Please. I… I need to say something."
He seemed to shrink back a bit as every eye focused on him, but he carried on. "I just… I realized I never said thank you. For… for rescuing me. I... I didn't think…" he trailed off, lowering his eyes.
"What, you thought we wouldn't come?" Pidge asked incredulously.
Lance hunched over a little more and Pidge's expression morphed to horror.
"You thought we wouldn't come," she repeated, aghast. "Why… why would you…?"
The others seemed to be caught in the same stunned silence, and surprisingly Lance was the one who broke it.
"I just… it was me for Black and… and… the universe needs Voltron." His breath hitched. "It doesn't need me."
"Lance," breathed Allura, hands trembling in her lap.
"And Blue… she deserves a better Paladin than me." His voice cracked upon voicing that thought finally aloud. "I'm w-weak. And… And I'm…" he closed his eyes then, a tear trying to sneak out. "I'm just me." He swallowed thickly. "It… made sense. I'm… I'm expendable. Black isn't."
He could hear Haggar laugh then, felt her touch even this far away caress against his soul. The little ember that his team had been trying to reignite sputtered and he choked back a sob against all of it.
Because of course it made sense. He was the weak link of the team, the useless goof-off. They'd be better off with someone stronger, more dependable and capable of fighting the Galra than him. Especially now. His right hand twitched at his side.
He'd come to terms with it. He'd made the choice that the universe and all its inhabitants were much more important than he could ever be, and his family even more so. Stepping down was in the best interests of everyone. He understood that. Now he just needed them to as well.
"What the hell?" demanded Keith instead, leaping to his feet. "Bullshit, Lance!"
The sudden anger had him cringing back, even though he knew Keith wouldn't actually hurt him.
"Keith—" Shiro cautioned, but Keith shrugged off Shiro's hand.
"No! He needs to listen." And suddenly Keith was right next to him, not touching but flashing purple eyes seeming to strike all the same. "Where do you get off saying stuff like that?" he growled, looking, praying, for some spark to light Lance's eyes. Keith just wanted him to feel something other than the fear and sadness that covered Lance as surely as the blanket did.
But Lance only looked at him with frightened eyes and Keith cursed again. He hated himself for jumping to the anger he wanted so badly to tamp down but he couldn't because Lance was scaring him with this line of talk. "I thought we were rivals," he snarled. "You—"
"We're not rivals."
The quiet declaration brought Keith up short, feeling like a punch to the gut. He barely breathed out a "what?" as all air seemed to leave him.
Lance seemed to hunch over more, although his voice was clear. "We… we were never rivals, Keith. A… a rival is someone who challenges you. And I… I," his voice dropped even lower. "I was never even in your shadow."
Keith felt frozen, words beyond him as he stared at this… this shade of the Lance he knew. "What did they do to you?" he whispered, horror swirling through him.
And Lance let out a sound between a laugh and a sob that sounded so wrong it made the hair at the back of Keith's neck prickle. "Nothing," he managed after a moment, feeling both the truth and the lie of that statement. "Just…" and Haggar was there, whispering in his ear and he could do nothing against her, "just showed me how… how worthless I really am."
"Enough," Shiro snapped, regretting the tone as both Lance and Keith flinched, but not taking it back, his own heart beating much too loudly in his ears at what he'd just heard for anything less sharp. "Lance, that's enough. I don't want to hear you saying things like that about yourself. They are not true."
Lance shook his head though and there was a desperation shining behind his tears now.
Shiro realized with a sickening dismay that Lance wanted them to agree with him. Lance truly, truly believed that his life was not important. Believed himself expendable. Believed they wouldn't come for him. And Shiro's heart burned with true hatred at Haggar for twisting Lance's perceptions so, so terribly.
"Lance, what are you saying?" Pidge cried softly, hands fisting in the comforter although her cinnamon eyes were fierce behind the tears. "None of that is true. You're our friend. Part of our family." Her voice broke on the last word.
Lance shook his head again. "I'm not," he whispered, the darkness greedily wrapping around the last spark. "I don't belong here. I'm nothing compared to all of you. I've… I've known it for a while. This just… just proved it."
He was just a child. Not a Paladin. Despite his efforts he'd failed to protect them. They'd gotten hurt because of him. He'd put them in danger.
He'd failed them.
"Lance," and Allura's voice was torn between regal authority and true heartbreak. "The Blue Lion chose you. You. She found you worthy of being her Paladin."
"She made a mistake." Blue was perfect in every possible way. Just not in her choice of a pilot.
That was her only fault.
"Lance," Shiro tried, but Lance cut him off, desperate to make them understand, as with each protest they made a dagger seemed to twist deeper into his heart. They'd get hurt because of him. Again. He couldn't let them do that. He couldn't… he couldn't pretend anymore. He couldn't keep trying to be something that he was not.
"I'm not a Paladin. Not a real one. It's time I stop playing that I'm a hero." A sob caught in his throat. "I'm not. I'm just a cargo pilot."
"Lance, no," Hunk pleaded. "Don't say that. You are a Paladin. You are a hero."
"I am not," and it was the closest to anger, to any other emotion that they had heard yet. But worse yet it was said with such conviction, such belief.
Why wouldn't they believe him? Lance wondered. Why wouldn't they just let him say his piece and quietly excuse himself from the team? He knew he didn't belong. He knew he didn't deserve the title. He knew all of that but still…
Why did it hurt so much?
Because he didn't want to leave, he realized. As terrible as a Paladin he was, being one had been the closest he'd ever felt to having a purpose. He wanted to stay.
But all he'd ever done was put his family in danger. They would be safer if he stepped aside, found a more competent Paladin. He'd stay on in the castle, if they'd let him. But he couldn't be a Paladin anymore.
Hunk, who almost never raised his voice, never gave in to rage, felt his own emotions start to simmer. Not at Lance. But at himself. For not seeing how far deep this went, for thinking that everything was mostly all right and that a few hugs and comforting words could have ever healed his friend's broken image.
He knew Lance bottled things up. He knew Lance measured himself against others and too often found himself wanting. But this? This? This wasn't just disappointment or frustration. This was self-loathing and self-hatred and the idea that Lance had been immersed in this much darkness, had been suffering quietly for so long just made him so, so angry.
And Haggar. A low growl worked its way out of Hunk's throat, jerking Lance's head up in surprise and drawing the other's attentions. She had found that crack beneath Lance's bravado and hopes, had wormed her way in and pulled all of that doubt to the surface. She'd made him believe it was true. Whatever horrors she had subjected him to had made him think he wasn't worth saving. That he wasn't worth their love.
And Hunk would, never, ever, forgive her. But more than that, he wasn't sure he could ever forgive himself.
"You are," Hunk growled, staring straight into the ocean blue eyes of his best friend. "Damn it Lance" – and Lance's eyes widened even further at the swear – "Listen to us. Por favor. You're meant to be here. You're meant to be a Paladin. Whatever Haggar told you was a lie, Lance. She wanted to hurt you. She wanted you to break. She. Is. A. Liar."
"Hunk," Lance whispered, but Hunk wasn't done.
"We are telling you the truth Lance. Have I ever lied to you?" When Lance didn't answer Hunk placed one of his larger hands atop Lance's left, still clutching at the blanket and squeezed it, relieved beyond measure when Lance did not pull away. "Have I?" Lance mutely shook his head, tears frozen in the corners of his eyes.
"Then believe me when I say that you are a hero. You are a part of this team. This family. I've known you for forever, Lance. And you know what? I have never met a more selfless, compassionate, wonderful, loving person in my entire life. Without you, I'd still be that kid sitting alone under a tree reading a book and wishing for a friend. So don't you dare tell me you are not worthy of being a Paladin. Don't you dare say you're weak. You are so, so strong Lance. You just need to see it."
Hunk sat back then although he didn't loosen his hold on Lance's hand, breathing hard. "So," he finished, "you better believe it. And I'll keep saying it until you do."
A tear broke free and trekked down Lance's face as fear was replaced with disbelief, with a shaky hope.
He didn't know what to think. His heart ached hearing what Hunk had to say, feeling like a hundred shattered pieces had just been forced back together. They really all thought that? About him?
But they wouldn't think that if they knew what he'd done. His eyes flicked to his wrists, the sign of his sin hidden beneath a burn and unblemished skin. If they knew that he had given up, had lost the will to fight… they wouldn't still think that, would they?
He didn't have the courage to find out. The darkness festered on it, but he couldn't bring himself to shove it out into the light. Because if he did and they rejected him he didn't think he could take it. And the risk was still too great to relieve himself of that burden in the hopes they might accept him, failures and all.
"Lance," Allura said quietly, interrupting his train of thought, "there is something I need to tell you."
And his stomach clenched, certain now that the axe would fall. Allura wasn't like Hunk. She had a war to fight. She needed real heroes at her side, people capable of defeating the Galra. Despite what Hunk had proclaimed he still wasn't sure he was suited to be a Paladin. The only thing he ever had been good at was shooting and well… his right hand trembled at his side. Now he was useless on that front.
"When we launched our rescue for you I piloted the Blue Lion," Allura said and Lance felt his heart sink. This was it. She would be an amazing pilot for Blue. She was everything Blue deserved. It didn't matter that Blue had chosen him first; he was just the stepping stone for her to find Allura again.
"Lance," Allura called as his head drooped in front of her.
He looked up, more tears making their way down his cheeks. "You… You and Blue will be great together," he managed, meaning every word of it.
"You did not let me finish," she chided. "There is more to this story. Por favor," she sounded out the word, "allow me to continue." She smiled to soften any potential harshness of her words. Only when Lance was looking at her fully did she go on.
"I asked Blue to allow myself to pilot her to assist in the mission. During the mission both myself, Hunk and the Yellow Lion and the Black Lion were engaged in a rather large scale firefight.
"We were greatly outnumbered," she continued, well aware that the others were listening intently and she felt Coran's hand descent comfortingly on her shoulder, as he knew where her story went. "We fought as best we could, but there were too many. At one point, Zarkon himself attacked Blue."
Lance's breath hitched and she gave him a sad smile. "We are all right now. But at that time, Lance, you must know what happened." She looked around the room. "You all deserve to know. The Blue Lion had used up all of her power in the fight and her systems went offline. I was left alone to face down Zarkon."
She paused, recalling all too clearly the stark terror that had seized her then. "I believed I was about to die," she murmured. "I had no way to defend myself or escape. I had lost communications with everyone. I tried to leave behind a final message, but the recording software shut down before I could finish."
"Allura," Shiro murmured, and she gratefully accepted his flesh hand in her own, intertwining their fingers while Pidge took her other, honey eyes magnified with tears.
Lance's stomach clenched with guilt. Allura had almost died? To rescue him? She was the Princess of Altea. The universe needed her. It was wrong. It was all wrong.
"I said my goodbyes," she continued, "as best I could. I felt so terrible, knowing that all of you were still fighting. It was the worst kind of feeling to not know what had happened; if Lance had been recovered, if everyone was safe. All I knew was that I had failed all of you."
Lance sucked in a sharp breath at that. Allura, a failure? No. No, she wasn't. She had tried, hadn't she? She'd done all she could for the sake of the universe. That made her a hero.
But not him, and the thought was surrounded by Haggar's chuckles. It was different. He had royally screwed up and had almost cost his teammates their lives. There was nothing heroic about that.
"But just as Zarkon was about to fire his cannon something happened. All around me the Blue Lion's systems turned back on. And you know what she said?" Her eyes, surrounded by tears, bore down on Lance's and he found he could not look away.
"My Paladin," Allura whispered. "She felt you, Lance. Against all odds she powered on despite having completely exhausted herself because she felt you. You gave her life again. She maneuvered us away from Zarkon's attack and returned one of her own that she should never have been able to do in her current state. Because of you, Lance."
"But—" Lance protested weakly, not even sure what he was trying to deny.
"I may have been the Blue Lion's pilot for a short time," Allura said, "but you, Lance, are her Paladin. She will have no other and I fully agree with her. It matters not about your hand" – Lance felt it twinge at the reminder – "because you are the Blue Paladin and the Blue Paladin you shall remain. That is my final statement on the matter and I will not accept any further discord."
All Lance could do was stare at her. This couldn't be real. There was no way Allura, no possible way everyone would say such things to him. About him.
Was… was the problem with him? Was something inside him broken that kept trying to reject this acceptance? It was all he had ever wanted after all. To be a part of something greater than himself. To be wanted. Needed.
Hunk had said he'd keep saying those things until Lance believed them too. Could he believe them? Was that the truth and everything Lance had held inside the real lie?
But if they were wrong… If they were wrong and he took that chance he would just fall farther. He'd fall and never stop. Was it worth it to step off the narrow ledge he'd built for himself and leap into the unknown?
He'd have to tell them, he realized. He had to. That secret was killing him from within, feeding the darkness that Haggar had opened wide.
But not yet. It may be the coward's way, but he couldn't say anything yet. He wasn't strong enough. Not as strong as they thought him. He needed to build up his courage, find the right way to admit his insurmountable failure. And to do that he needed to accept their love and kindness and their words as truth. For now.
And hopefully… hopefully when he did finally find the words to tell his own truth they would accept it. And him.
"Lance," Shiro said gently. "We all fully support Allura's decision in this. You are the Blue Paladin and we will not accept a replacement. I know this is a lot to absorb, but we are behind you, every step. You haven't let us down, Lance. And we won't let you down now."
Lance slowly looked about the room, seeing the same determination and acceptance on everyone's face. Even Keith, who almost seemed to be trying to glare it into Lance. The spark inside him grew a bit more, settling into a warmth that chased away some of the chill.
They all cared. They actually did.
And if they cared so much about him, thought so highly of who he was… maybe he ought to give himself a chance too.
"Okay," he whispered.
"Okay, what?" Hunk said, giving his hand an encouraging squeeze.
"I'm the… the Blue Paladin," Lance breathed. He heard Theodek's dark laughter then, the word child spat mockingly while Haggar called him worthless and weak. But above their taunts he heard Shiro call him strong. Coran call him brave. Keith identify him as a true rival. Pidge include him as family. Hunk term him a hero. And Allura declare him the Blue Paladin.
Their voices were sunlight, bursting forth and making the darkness retreat. He heard them. He heard them and he listened.
"I'm the Blue Paladin," he repeated, stronger.
And this time… this time he believed it too.
xxx
Author's Notes:
For real, I almost debated just ending it here. Nevermind all the loose ends I have created and all the bonding moments we all want. This was perfect and beautiful and I love it. But, alas, I am a perfectionist and so the story will continue because I really do have so much more planned. Just really, really liked how this ended up flowing here xD
Who else is weeping with pride for our blue boy? That was an intense little discussion, but by golly did it all end well. While Lance still is not being completely forthcoming (and he needs time to process and really figure out what happened now that Haggar isn't there to influence him) he is definitely moving in the right direction and he's got the whole team behind him. Aren't they all just precious? *snuggles them all*
This weekend I'm hanging out in Detroit at Youmacon, table D10 in the artist alley. Do come by and say hello if you're here!
Love as always to the fabulous reviewers. Seriously, you guys make my day so much better with your lovely comments. Love to: Guest, TheTheoryofFangirling, Sirrius The Moonblade, Wolf of the Demise, Guest , hobbes101, Fricat P, PlayWithFire18, wingedflower, Oliviadbell, WhiteTails, DoctorMerlinReid, This-Lil'-Fan-Girl, lovemelau, Shadow Gray, IceAurora, pineapple, Pheonixwarrior123, Pfeh, Alexa, catlover2976, Jadegem02, BlueCookiesforRick, Eeveecat1248, Justanangryfangirl, imagine forevermore, PaintedWings45, Lasagna, LishaChan, Fireflame159, JustADamFrenchFry, Purplehood, noel, rwbygirl, Guest, Adrianna Agray, StrawberryFever3, Rookblonkorules, Guest , Egg rolls, Supergurkan, Berrybanana05, cindymack3, Nellie Bachesneg, HetaRosFangirl, ShiroHichi891 and The-Angst-Chronicles!
Please do drop a comment before you leave the page! I love to hear your reactions and this chapter was quite a doozy. Your favorite line, scene, character moment... please ply me with love and comments to get through the long weekend! Thanks so much!