x

As Color Fades Away

Chapter Forty-Two

"—so stupid. I'm such an idiot."

Lance blinked back to awareness with a pounding headache and the sounds of Hunk muttering to himself. What had happened? He tried to think past the ache. He'd been talking to Hunk. About Blue.

They were going to see her, he remembered that. And he'd tried stand up. And then… Then he'd fallen.

The sensation swept through him and he trembled at it, even as he realized he wasn't actually still falling and there was nothing bad happening either. In fact, he was pretty comfortable minus the boulder pounding into his head.

"Lance?" came the distraught voice of Hunk from above him. Lance tilted his head up, getting a tear splashing onto his cheek for the effort. He flinched back slightly, but into the arms that he realized were cradling around him and holding him in a half-reclined position. "Lance? Are you okay? Are you waking up? Oh God, I'm so sorry."

"H-Hunk?"

"I'm right here. I'm so sorry, hermano. Lo siento muy mucho. I wasn't thinking. I'm such an idiot."

"What…" he licked dry lips. "What happened?"

Hunk chuckled, although he didn't sound amused and hugged Lance a little tighter. "Nasty case of vertigo. I should have seen that. I'm such an idiot. Of course you'd get light-headed after lying down for so long. And nothing in you to boot. I'm so sorry. Are you all right?"

"I'm—" he went to say fine, but the rock changed to a sledgehammer and his stomach gave a little wobble and he winced instead.

"Oh God, you don't look good. I'm going to pick you up, okay? And put you back in bed. I'm so stupid. I can't believe I thought that was a good idea."

"'s not your fault," Lance mumbled, brooking no protest as Hunk carefully slid his other arm under Lance's legs and lifted him up, although he did close his eyes as the sudden change had his stomach roiling.

Hunk deposited him safely back into the bed, propping up him on pillows and realizing his second folly; Lance was still connected to the near-empty fluid and nutrient packs. Fortunately the tugging on the valve didn't seem to have caused any adverse effects. Hunk disconnected the two empty packs but left the valve, hoping that Coran had another Glornack dose ready to go.

"I'm going to call Coran real quick," Hunk said, pulling Flafie free of the bedding and setting it on Lance's lap, where a tan, bandaged hand descended upon the soft ears, the rest of his head tipped back and eyes closed. "Hang tight."

Hunk paged the kitchen and was relieved when Coran picked up. He kept it brief; Lance had woken up and really, really needed to eat something and if possible another dose of the Glornack seed for the pain. Coran had no doubt sensed the urgency in Hunk's call though and he was entering the room not even five dobashes later, three covered plates balanced gracefully on his arm.

"How are we feeling?" Coran asked, setting down his plates on the foot of the bed. "You are looking much less flushed."

"Headache," Lance admitted quietly, eyes still closed as demons with pickaxes took turns slamming into his head.

"I've got just the ticket for that," Coran said, pulling out a corked bottle of a shimmery light brown substance and attaching it to an empty valve bag. "I've also got my grandmama's specialty recipe of gamibolap that I think you might like. Up for trying a taste?"

Saying so he took the lid off of one of the plates, and immediately a sort of sweet, hearty scent wafted up. Hunk took an appreciative whiff. That certainly smelled nothing like what he had imagined!

"I'm… I'm not sure," Lance hedged as Coran handed a plate off to Hunk and then brought one to him, setting it on the bed next to him. His stomach was turning again, but at this point he wasn't sure if it was from nausea or hunger. His throat definitely felt like it was constricting though.

"Just a bite," Coran encouraged. "It's a nice thick mash. If you don't like it or can't get it down, that's all right too."

Lance eyed it warily, but tentatively went to pick up the spoon Coran had included. He realized his error a tick later, as his right hand brushed against it but didn't want to actually pick it up. He tried once more, flexing his fingers as far as he could, but they barely twitched.

"It's going to take time," Coran said softly, watching the despair slide over Lance's face. "I promise, lad, we will do all we can. But it will be a process."

Lance swallowed back the sob that had formed upon the reminder of how useless his hand was now, and managed a nod instead. He couldn't break down again. He couldn't. They'd called him strong. He had to try and be that now. Not weak like Haggar and Theodek said.

He picked up the spoon with his left hand, hating how even now it trembled, and eyed the plate with trepidation.

"Lance," gasped Hunk, having gone ahead and sampled it himself, "it tastes like fried plantains!" One of Lance's absolute favorite foods, he knew. "Come on, just a bite."

Lance took a breath to steady himself and sunk the spoon into the quivering lavender goop. It didn't smell bad, he conceded, compare to most of Coran's concoctions. And Hunk was enjoying it, if the act of licking his own plate clean and eyeing Coran's still untouched one was any indication.

It wasn't water, he told himself, lifting the spoon up. It wasn't going to bite him or try to drown him. And if he couldn't do it Coran had said that was all right. But he wanted to. If he did do this… it was an accomplishment, no matter how pathetic it really was.

To their credit both Coran and Hunk didn't stare at him as they had with the candy, Hunk enthusiastically asking Coran about the properties of the fruit while the Altean twirled his moustache, beyond pleased that his dish had gone over so well. It helped to not have all the attention on him, even though he knew they only did it out of concern.

Okay, one bite. He could do this. The spoon pressed against his lips and he hesitantly opened his mouth to allow it in.

The gamibolap was warm, he first registered. It was making his tongue tingle happily and while it was sweeter than fried plantains, it certainly came close. It was goopy too, kind of like oatmeal mixed with jell-o and didn't really even require chewing. The real test though was going to be swallowing it. Unlike the candy he couldn't let it sit on his tongue forever.

It won't hurt you, he chanted at himself. Just… just do it. And so he did.

In hindsight, he may have tried to inhale it just a bit too fast, as he choked shortly thereafter. But it wasn't the same as when he'd expelled the water out of terror. This one had honestly just gone down the wrong hole as his mamá would say.

That didn't stop Hunk and Coran from immediately abandoning their conversation as he coughed and gasped and he found Hunk's large hands on his back patting gently while Coran whisked the offending plate away.

"I'm… I'm okay," he rasped once he finally was able to stop coughing. "R-really."

And best yet, he hadn't spat back up what he had literally choked down.

They seemed to be coming to the same conclusion; that the choking hadn't been an act to expel any foreign substance. Coran beamed and pulled the plate back. "Would you like to try another bite then?"

Lance nodded.

"First though," Coran said, even as he gently deposited the warm plate into Lance's lap. "What did you think of the taste?"

"Sweet," he said after a moment. "It… it was good, Coran. " The Altean practically swelled with pride and such an action should have had him smiling in shared pleasure.

But despite how much he wanted to his lips refused to turn up. Lance ducked his head down towards the plate to hide the fresh tears that had cropped up at that. At least… at least in his mindscape he had been able to smile, even if it had felt fake. Now he couldn't even manage that.

What was wrong with him? The question echoed just as it had on the beach, and he looked desperately for something to distract him from the memory that was being conjured.

He picked up another small spoonful, aware that this time Coran and Hunk were keeping more of an eye on him, so he blinked back the tears and concentrated on this task for now. Maybe he could do it without nearly killing himself this time.

The thought was idle, but as soon as it sunk in he dropped the spoon in surprise, breath hitching. How could he… how could he even think that? He ignored the concerned calls of "Lance" and "lad" and glanced at his arms. The right was still covered in bandages to hide the burn, but the left remained smooth skin without a line to be seen.

He still felt it though. Searing pain that he inflicted on himself and then darkness, only to wake up drowning in a turbulent ocean with despair and guilt raining down. He whimpered, leaning forward to clutch each arm with the opposite hand, trying to push the pain and memory away.

"Lance, mírame, c'mon, mírame por favor. ¿Estás bien? What's wrong?"

He was crying, he realized. One of the drops touched his lips and he could taste the salt. Taste the ocean as it thrust him back under, spinning and flailing and so, so lost. Hands became waves and voices became the howl of the rain and crash of the ocean and he struggled against them, desperately trying to breach the surface.

And then the smell of the ocean was gone and replacing it was one of home and Lance was wrenched back to the present, cinnamon tickling his nose and warm hands gripping his shoulders.

"Lo siento," he sobbed, recognizing Hunk and Coran once again. "Lo siento. I'm s-sorry. I… I didn't want t-to… I'm so sorry."

"Lance, it's okay," Hunk soothed, rubbing his back. "Just breathe for me, okay? In and out. You're safe. Nothing is going to hurt you."

Hunk was wrong, Lance thought, even as he tried to get his shudders under control. He was here. He hurt himself. He… he tried to kill himself. He hiccupped a sob then, squeezing his eyes tight and focusing entirely on the feeling of Hunk's hands on his back and Coran's on his shoulders.

Eventually he felt at least strong enough to crack open his eyes and sit back up, the hands removing themselves as he shifted.

"You all right?" Hunk asked gently. Lance nodded, not meeting his eyes. "Want to talk about it?"

At that Lance vehemently shook his head. He couldn't. Not now. Not when he felt so… so raw with everything churning just beneath the surface.

"Okay," Hunk murmured, and Lance couldn't tell if Hunk was disappointed in him. He didn't dare look up and see for himself.

Hunk wasn't disappointed though. Hunk was scared. He and Coran looked at each other, the same expression mirrored on each other's faces. Lance had seemed fine, even willing to try again after a horrible first attempt. It spoke volumes as to how far he'd come from the initial rescue.

But something had happened, something that neither Coran or Hunk had been able to discern. Hunk couldn't think of any logical flashback that would have happened with the food and Lance hadn't even actually been attempting to eat it yet.

It had something to do with the marks he and Coran had found, that Hunk was certain. Lance had gripped both forearms, near white with fear, and hadn't come out of it until Coran had grabbed the carmodian leaves. Even then, when he came back to them, he had apologized and… Hunk blanched. Lance had said he "didn't want to."

Didn't want to what? Die? Live? His stomach clenched at the latter. The selfish part of him wanted to demand Lance talk to them, tell him what was wrong so he could fix it and spare him this pain. But he couldn't force Lance to talk. Not yet. If he picked up a knife or something and tried to… tried to… Hunk skipped over the thought, but knew that if Lance actually tried to hurt himself then he would get answers.

But Lance hadn't shown any desire to harm himself. He hadn't expressed any feelings that they'd be better off with him dead (and being better without him as a Paladin was something completely different, Hunk decided firmly) or how things would be if he wasn't there. Hunk clung to those. Those little details meant that Lance was looking forward. He believed that. And that was the only reason he wasn't completely losing it and insisting Lance talk to them.

Even knowing that didn't make him less scared though. At this point he wasn't sure if he'd ever fully relax again until Lance was running around the castle and filling it with laughter and smiles, and he had no idea when (or if) that was going to become true once more. And every time Lance suffered a flashback or memory just made a new crack in Hunk's heart .

None of them could keep on like this. The team had united on the front to support Lance, but Hunk knew they were all hurting. Pidge, despite their talk, was still struggling with the guilt from not killing Haggar when she had the chance. Allura had been hiding her near death experience that had left Hunk more shaken than he'd thought – if Allura was gone, where did they all go from there? How did they go on?

None of them had planned to die during that mission. It hadn't even been a passing thought. And yet Allura almost had and from what Hunk had learned from Coran of the debriefing, if Pidge hadn't shown up when she had Keith could have been dead and Shiro possibly in Galran hands. He owed Pidge a giant cake, he decided. The biggest one he could make full of pecans. They all owed her so much.

Shiro was teetering, Hunk could see, on his desire to be a good leader and his own fears and hurts that all of this had brought up. Hunk decided next chance he got he was going to make Shiro a cup of whatever passed for hot chocolate here and give him a big hug. And then Keith. Hunk would have had to be blind to miss how guilty the smaller boy appeared whenever he looked in Lance's direction. The two of them really need to talk, but it would be best done when Lance was in full control of himself.

And looking at him now, Hunk had no idea when that would be. Just when they made a step of forward progress they seemed to take one back.

"Lance, lad, are you up for trying to eat something again?" Coran asked quietly. "I think it'll make you feel better."

Lance gave the barest of nods, but made no move to pick up the spoon that had fallen by his knee. Instead he took a deep breath, relieved when no coughing fit followed. It steadied him instead, as it was supposed to.

He could do this. Take a bite. Don't think about it. And then… then when he finished he could see Blue. A warmth caressed inside him at the thought of the Lion. Yes. He could do this. He could do this and then he could see Blue.

Taking another breath, he picked up the spoon as though it was going to bite him. He was fully aware of Coran and Hunk watching him – and he couldn't blame them; he couldn't be left alone two seconds without panicking – but ignored them as best he could, instead focusing on digging the spoon into the Altean concoction and bringing it to his lips.

Somehow it was still warm, and he was grateful. Hot food always tasted better than cold and he… he really didn't like the cold anymore.

Don't choke, he told himself. Don't rush. Nice and steady.

This time he felt it slide down his throat and he swallowed a second time to hurry it along because the sensation of anything there was still alarming. But to his immense relief the gamibolap finished its journey to his stomach without incident.

He could feel his mouth trying to twitch upward, proud of his achievement. But something still stopped him smiling. He took another quick bite to avoid thinking on it. And then another.

And to his surprise, in a matter of minutes the spoon was scraping against just the plate. His stomach grumbled for more, as the small helping was only reminding it that he hadn't eaten in nearly a week, but he tried to ignore it.

"Excellent job," Coran congratulated, taking the empty plate and setting it on the nightstand. "How's your stomach feeling?"

"Hungry," Lance admitted quietly, pressing his left hand to it as if that could make it stop growling.

Coran sighed. "I know, lad. But we've got to take it nice and slow. If you can keep that down though I'll get you another plate for dinner, all right?"

And Lance knew Coran didn't mean anything by it. His mamá would say the same thing when he or his siblings were sick and they wanted more than crackers and soup.

But right now it struck too close to Haggar's conditions as she dangled either reward or punishment for his actions. He swallowed thickly, as despite his best attempts he could hear her offer: Provide me information on the paladins and you will be rewarded. Failure to do so will result in punishment.

He had never once allowed himself to take the reward, although he admitted with shame that for a moment while drow— with Theodek he had contemplated it. But he had held out. Now though… it was backwards, even if what Coran was offering wasn't really even a reward at all.

It still felt wrong. It felt so wrong to agree and even though Coran wasn't asking anything out of the normal and even asking Lance really for anything (just for his stomach to behave) it was sending alarm bells ringing full code.

"What is it, lad?" Coran queried softly, seeing the distress wash over Lance's features.

"Nothing," he managed. Because it was. It was stupid, that's what it boiled down to. He knew neither Hunk or Coran would laugh if he tried to explain, but he'd already embarrassed himself so many times and he was certain he'd continue to do so. This was something he could handle.

Or, he hoped so. He wasn't really sure he could do much of anything anymore.

Coran inclined his head, letting it pass for now. "Then if you are up for it, perhaps you would like to visit the Blue Lion now?"

That jerked Lance's head up, sending a new wave of agony through it, but he overpowered that with the stirrings of excitement. "Really?"

"Mhm. I daresay she would love to see you as well."

"Yes," Lance breathed. The need to see her was almost painful now and he could hardly believe it was just within reach.

"How's a piggy back ride sound?" Hunk chimed in and even as out of sorts as he was, Lance could not miss the guilt masked behind the cheery sound.

Lance nodded and tried to muster up a smile – he hated to see Hunk upset – but again his facial muscles seemed determined to fall flat. "I'd like that," he said instead, softly.

Hunk grinned. "Then let's get to it!"

He knelt down next to the bed, back turned so Lance could easily slide onto it. Lance hesitated, remembering all too clearly the last time he'd tried to leave the bed. But Coran gave him a nod and encouraging smile and so Lance very carefully shifted himself across the mattress, Flafie back in his left hand. Although it hindered his movements, having something to hold on to made him feel just a little better.

Reaching Hunk, Lance brought trembling arms around Hunk's large neck, having to tuck the plush under his right arm so his left could grip both. His chest lay flush against the broad back and he let the warmth soak into him, trying to assure himself this was okay.

"Ready?" Hunk asked. Lance nodded against his back.

In one fluid motion Hunk rose, his strong arms going to encircle each of Lance's calves and pulling him even more against him. Lance buried his face into Hunk's shoulder as his stomach swooped unpleasantly at the motion. Hunk remained stationary though, allowing Lance to get his bearings.

Lance tentatively picked his head up, surveying the room from his new vantage point and letting out a small breath when no unforeseen panic overtook him and Haggar and Theodek's voices remained quiet.

"Dinner will be ready in about four hours," Coran addressed them both. "Lance, if you are feeling up for the company we would love to see you at the kitchen, but if you are not that too is more than all right and we'll bring your meal here."

"Is… is this Allura's room?" Lance asked as from this new perch he could make out more than he'd allowed himself to from the bed.

"It is indeed," Coran said, stroking her moustache. "She was insistent we use it due to the sheer size." He shook his head. "Why Alfor thought a little girl needed this much space was beyond me, but I will say she has indeed filled up the place with more gadgets and frills than I thought possible."

Lance glanced back at the gigantic bed he'd been occupying for however long he'd been back in the castle; his sense of time was incredibly skewed these days, and felt a flash of guilt.

"Now, none of that," Coran said, seeing where this thought was headed. "The Princess is more than happy to offer. But if you wish to return to your own quarters we will arrange it post-haste."

"Please," Lance whispered. "If it's not too much trouble." Allura's room was nice. But what he really wanted was to curl up in his own bed with its abundance of pillows and be surrounded by his plants and knick-knacks and out of sight of well meaning but always watching eyes. He shivered at that. He hadn't had a moment to himself since everything began; as even with the Galrans someone was always watching and he just wanted to get away from that constant feeling even as the thought of being alone filled him with dread.

"Then I shall see it done," Coran said. "Now go and say hello to Blue. If you aren't up for the group dinner I'll bring it to your quarters, all right?"

"Thank you," he murmured, resting his cheek back on Hunk's shoulder. Coran gave them a parting wave and then they were off. Hunk kept the pace slow, which Lance appreciated as his stomach was still giving odd little lurches.

The halls were empty and this time Lance kept his eyes wide, determined to not let them morph into anything but what they were. Before they even reached the main foyer Lance could feel Blue's quintessence brushing his own, full of worry and love and fierce protectiveness, and he let out a soft sigh as it enveloped his own. Hunk smiled below, also feeling the warm tendrils of both Yellow and Blue reaching out.

And then they were stepping into the hall and Blue was alert and on all fours, tail swishing behind her in pure joy. Cub she purred, heavy footsteps clanking on the floor as she lied down in front of them.

"Blue," Lance murmured, staring into her bright yellow eyes as the world around him faded save for the pure love he could feel emanating from her.

She opened her mouth so they could enter and Hunk made his way up the ramp. He realized only as they neared the cockpit that this might not be the best idea. He had finally gotten over what the interior had looked like at one time, but Lance had not seen it since his abduction. Granted, it was all cleaned up now and he, Pidge and Coran had fixed all of the damaged systems, but Hunk knew that he would never forget the sight of the dead Galran or the blood splatters that coated the room.

But it was too late to turn around now as he was already stepping over the threshold. Lance seemed to realize the same thing as Hunk fully entered the cockpit, his breath hitching and his arms tightening about Hunk's neck.

"It's all right," Hunk said quietly, squeezing both calves in his hands. "It's just us and Blue." He opted to wait for a moment, see if maybe his own fears were exaggerating how Lance would take in the scene. Maybe it would all be okay.

Lance licked suddenly dry lips as his eyes circled about the space. There, that was where he'd been stabbed. He could picture it all so clearly and his chest throbbed in remembered agony.

And there… he focused on a spot behind the chair. That's where he'd fallen. Where he'd… he'd taken the shot. Where he killed a Galran.

Killed Theodek's brother.

He'd killed someone. His stomach rolled and he desperately swallowed back the hint of acid creeping up his throat. He'd almost forgotten. He'd almost forgotten he'd killed someone.

He could hear his hand click the trigger, the terrible sizzle as the blast went through the Galran's head. The thump as the body struck the floor.

"Easy, easy," Hunk murmured, lowering Lance to the floor of the cockpit while Blue's worry and comfort were near tangible and he realized with growing guilt that no, things were not going to be okay.

Cub she whispered, caressing his trembling form with her own. Focus on Lion. Lion here.

"I killed him," Lance gasped, shaking as Hunk settled down himself and pulled Lance flush against his side. "I… I…"

At least he had been prepared, Hunk thought sadly as he pulled a waste basket he'd left in Blue and put it in front of Lance as the boy expelled the contents of his stomach.

This had been a terrible mistake. He should never have brought Lance inside. Seeing Blue was one thing but this was too much. Hunk bit back his own sob, focusing on rubbing Lance's back. He could feel Blue's quintessence wrapping about him then too, apology and worry and the desperate desire to comfort him.

Lion sorry she apologized, voice thrumming from all around and despair bleeding from each word. Lion not realize…

And how could she, Hunk realized himself. Blue had been offline for the duration of the exchange. She had the recording but she could not really understand the magnitude of what had happened or how it affected her newest Paladin. Lance had never killed anyone before. Not like this.

"I killed him," Lance repeated, looking horrified. "I killed him."

"Lance…"

"His brother," he gasped. "He… he…." Words trailed off into a shaky inhale.

Brother? The analytical part of Hunk's mind latched onto this new piece of information, the first thing Lance had revealed about his captivity, while the rest of him focused on trying to comfort Lance from this newest memory.

"Estás bien, Lance," Hunk sad instead, but knowing it really wasn't. This was beyond him. This was something that he was not prepared to handle or discuss or assure Lance that it was okay.

Shiro. He needed Shiro.

"Blue," Hunk whispered, not really sure what he was asking. Part of him said he should pick Lance up and haul out of there until he stumbled across Shiro. The other part said Blue was the best thing right now and he should leave Lance there while he went and found Shiro.

Go she ordered, making up his mind for him. Lion watch over Cub.

Lance had curled in on himself at this point, shuddering with such force that Hunk was afraid he'd hurt himself. But his words were no longer getting through and he didn't have the carmodian leaves handy to act as smelling salts.

"I'll be right back," Hunk promised, struggling to his feet and heart breaking as Lance whimpered.

The Yellow Paladin was not much of a sprinter. He could lift beyond heavy things and take a hit and keep coming, but running was not a strong suit by far. Yet in this instance he found himself practically flying down the halls, screaming for Shiro with all the additional air he had to spare.

Shiro met him in the hall from the direction of the common room, Keith hot on his heels, and face beyond panicked.

"Lance!" Hunk wheezed, pointing a trembling finger in the direction of the hall. "He… Blue…K-killed...Cockpit…P-panic…Attack."

Shiro's charcoal eyes widened with horror as he managed to piece together what Hunk was saying. "Stay here," Shiro commanded both younger Paladins and took off at a dead run.

When he reached the hall he could feel the anxiety and guilt swirling from the Blue Lion. He charged right up the ramp and entered the cockpit, nearly tripping over Lance who was tucked up against the pilot's chair.

Shiro dropped to his knees immediately, hands hovering as he realized he wasn't sure if touch would be a good thing right now. The boy was shaking, but his breaths were deepening and Shiro had no doubt it was due to the Blue Lion's presence swirling about the cabin.

"Lance, hey buddy," he murmured, opting to forgo the contact for right now and instead angled his body so he was lying lengthwise to Lance and putting their faces on the same plain, but far enough back where hopefully Lance didn't feel crowded.

Cub Blue intoned, nuzzling his quintessence with her own. Cub safe. Lion here. Black's Paladin here. Safe.

And Shiro had never felt so relieved when Lance gingerly lifted his face from where he'd buried it in his arm and dark eyes stared at him. "S-Shiro?"

"Right here, buddy. It's okay. Can you take a few breaths for me? That's it… nice and slow." Lance did so, gradually sitting up and Shiro mimicked him, still keeping his distance.

A flush was staining Lance's cheeks now and he shifted his gaze from Shiro to the floor. Caught freaking out again by Shiro. He just couldn't do anything right.

No and the rebuttal came swift as Blue picked up on his thoughts. Lion's fault. Lion hurt Cub. Lion sorry.

"Blue, no," Lance protested weakly. She hadn't… hadn't done anything. He had though. He'd killed someone here. His breath hitched again and her presence wrapped about him, comforting him in the best way she could but it was not enough for the ice settling in him.

He'd killed someone.

"I…" he whispered. "I k-killed…"

"You killed a Galran soldier," Shiro finished softly.

Lance bit back another taste of bile even though he had nothing left to lose.

"Lance, look at me," Shiro commanded gently. Scared ocean orbs met his own dark gray. "Tell me. Why did you kill that Galran?"

"W-why?"

Shiro nodded. "Was he defenseless?"

Lance mutely shook his head.

"Did you invite him onto Blue?"

Another shake.

"Did he hurt you?"

A tentative nod.

"Did you feel threatened?"

Another nod.

"That's called self defense, Lance," Shiro ended with quietly. "You were protecting yourself."

Lance shook his head. "I… I didn't have to…to…"

"Kill him?"

Lance nodded. He could have, should have, incapacitated him. He could have shot his arm so he couldn't wield his own gun, or stunned him or…

"Lance," and Shiro's gentle voice cut into the what ifs. "You did nothing wrong."

"But I—"

"You made the best decision you could for your own safety. There were two Galrans here; if you had merely incapacitated one the other would not have stood idly by. You did what you had to for your best chance. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself."

Shiro sighed then, looking suddenly much older. "Killing is not something I ever wanted any of you to experience. I had hoped that I could shield you from that part of this war, but I see now that such a thing is not possible." He let out another, tired sigh. "I… I know how much it hurts to kill someone, Lance. It hurts. Right here." He placed his prosthetic over his own heart and Lance's eyes widened.

"It's not something I know I'll ever fully get over," Shiro continued, keeping his gaze locked on Lance's. "And if it ever does then I become no better than the Galrans. We all have had to make choices we are not proud of. I… I made many choices in the arena. And I am not proud of what I did. I don't remember all of it, but I know that I killed people. Good people, Lance." His own voice shook and Shiro found his own eyes closed in memory. "Those just like me who were told to kill or be killed."

He started when something brushed against his flesh hand and he realized that Lance had tentatively moved his own hand atop of his. Shiro carefully wrapped his own fingers about it and despite the fresh sorrow and guilt swimming in his chest he felt a burst of joy as Lance squeezed back.

"I'm… I'm so sorry, Shiro," Lance whispered.

Shiro blinked back a tear, heart swelling. Despite all that had happened, despite the fact that Shiro was trying to comfort Lance, it was instead Lance reaching out and comforting him. The boy's compassion knew no bounds and Shiro squeezed their joined hands again.

"Thanks, buddy," he said roughly. "The… the point I'm trying to make is that sometimes the only choice we have is that we really don't have one at all. When that happens, we just have to keep on hoping that somehow, someway, we'll reach a better outcome if we keep moving forward.

"The Galran you killed," And Lance still flinched at the reminder, "was one of those choices. Bad person, good person, in this instance it does not matter. It still hurts and someone is still dead. But Lance, "and this was important and Shiro squeezed their joined hands, "killing someone does not make you a killer. You are not a killer."

"Then you aren't either," came the quiet reply as Lance picked up on the emphasis. He recognized it as it was something he did too, not believing that such words could ever apply back to him. And as messed up as he knew himself to be, he had not missed the guilt in Shiro's words, the pain as he recalled the few awful memories he had.

"Lance—"

"You aren't," Lance insisted, and there was something stronger in his voice now, something that really made Shiro listen.

Shiro felt his own breath catch. He didn't remember most of his kills, memories he'd blocked for his own sanity. But he knew he'd done it. Knew he had killed likely dozens upon dozens to save his own life.

He'd been a murderer. The arena had made him into one, forced him to take on the title if he wanted to surive. And up until this moment he had believed it, believed that that was what he was now. He may also be a leader and a Paladin but he was a killer too. He'd tried to shield them all from that darker part of his life, and although recent events had made him share parts of that history, he tried to keep the most horrible ones, the realizations and conclusions he'd drawn from bits and pieces, to himself.

Because despite all of their support and trust and love, if they truly realized the scope of what he'd done, would they still follow him? Would they believe he could be a leader with the blood of innocents staining his hands? He was a killer, a murderer, and the label had hung over him like an executioner's axe as he waited for the blade to fall.

And one simple declaration from a boy who had gone through horrors Shiro still could not comprehend, had him realizing, finally realizing, that 'killer' was not who he was. It wasn't who he had ever been and it was time to stop believing it was true.

"I'm not," Shiro breathed, incredulous. How had…?

Lance scooted across the floor a bit, closing the distance between them and looked hesitantly at Shiro's shoulder. Shiro was hurting, just like him. And although the idea of initiating contact beyond the light hand-holding was still terrifying, Shiro needed a hug. Shiro had always made him feel safe. He wanted to return the favor, if he could.

Choking back the sob that was threatening to overwhelm him, Shiro opened both of his arms wide as he saw Lance's glance. Lance settled into the embrace, tucking long limbs up against Shiro's legs and allowing a metal prosthetic to descend around his shoulders. Other than initially stiffening at the cold touch, he relaxed against it, letting out a soft breath and closed his eyes. Blue's purrs filled the rest of him and Lance held that warmth close to his heart while Shiro held him close, safe and secure in his arms.

And for the first time since this entire nightmare began, Shiro felt a peace, a lightness, that he could not even begin to describe. And somehow he just knew that everything was going to be okay.

xxx

Author's Notes:

So this chapter jumped off the train tracks, dove down a canyon and is still running rampant through the fields. I don't know what it is with me lately; I have an idea (a good idea!) for where I want it to go and then some other thought pops in and then we go nuts. For reference; Shiro was not in this chapter at all. That whole scene did not happen. And yet it feels so right and that's why it's here now and my other good idea is going to have to find a new home xD

Thank you so much to the lovely reviewers for the support and love: hobbes101, BlueCookiesforRick, wingedflower, Subtle Shenanigans, , Alexa, WhiteTails, Jennyfish26, Oliviadbell, Guest, Arrowshaft, Eeveecat1248, Pfeh, Guest, Justanangryfangirl, LishaChan, This-Lil'-Fan-Girl, Adrianna Agray, ShiroHichi891, imagine forevermore, Jadegem02, migrane, DoctorMerlinReid, JustADamFrenchFry, WindGemini, cindymack3, yazbk2988, White Space Lion, Berrybanana05, PaintedWings45, Nellie Bachesneg, IceAurora, Guest, Merlin's Knight, HetaRosFangirl, Fireflame159, Shadow Gray, momoluvr11, denissetheobssesedfangirl, and Lasagna! If you are enjoying the fic please do drop a comment - it doesn't have to be long. Just let me know you're here and what you're liking about the story!

I do have a sort of sad announcement for y'all. My stories will be going on hiatus next week for a little holiday break (and so the craziness begins) so I will see y'all in two weeks time. For all of my fellow Americans, I hope you all have a lovely Thanksgiving and wonderful time with your families. To everyone else, I hope the week is relaxing and kind to you. Sin may still update this coming Monday, but otherwise will be the following Monday for just a 1.5 week break.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, thank you all so, so much for your support and love for this fic. I truly can't say how much reading your uplifting and sweet comments makes my day better and inspires me to keep on writing. Muchas gracias you amazing people you.

Given all the stuff that happened this chapter (and Dios, a lot happened) I'd love to hear which part (or parts) really resonated with you because I'm having an awful hard time of picking a favorite :p Please do drop a comment below and I'll see you all in two weeks.