Note: Be sure to read the author's notes this week. Something fun for y'all at the end!

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As Color Fades Away

Chapter Forty-Four

Hunk was a worrier. He freely admitted it and acknowledged that he tended to panic over the little things. He had gotten much better after being launched into space because there was so much out here that he couldn't control that it was either spend the rest of his life so worried he was comatose or adopt a more laid-back approach.

That said, when he re-entered the hall with tools and had found Blue curled up on the floor and the very faintest hints of distress coming from her he'd panicked.

His supplies had hit the ground with a terrible clang and he'd sprinted (which was twice in one day and his legs were going to get him back for that later) over to the Blue Lion, babbling nonsense as he tried to get in and see Lance.

Pidge had been the voice of reason, arriving moments later and breaking through his worried haze with the point that if something bad were happening and Lance needed them then Blue would let them know. But right now Lance needed Blue and this was good for both of them and to let them be.

So Hunk had reluctantly stopped trying to break in and had gone with Pidge over to Yellow to begin cleaning up and repairing some of the damaged outer panels from the firefight. Yellow had sent a wave of calm reassurance that all was well and Hunk had finally allowed himself to relax.

The two of them worked in near silence, which was their norm as they moved tools around one another and focused on their individual tasks. Still, Pidge found herself frowning because while she never minded the quiet Hunk would normally have made a few random comments by now just to break it up. He was too quiet.

She studied him, taking in the light bruise that took up a portion of his forehead, to the lines under his eyes that did not belong on their ever cheerful engineer. And, she realized with a pang of guilt, that she hadn't once inquired over Hunk's well-being through all of this.

He'd stepped into the role of Lance's main support immediately and although he had said nothing, Pidge couldn't even imagine how difficult it must be to see someone you loved in so much pain. He had never complained once though, never shied away from doing all he could to comfort Lance.

He'd been there for her too, when she wanted to watch the video against Allura's permission, comforting her when she had triggered such a reaction from Lance and then again when she had broken down about killing Haggar. And Pidge had never asked once if he was doing all right. Well, her gaze narrowed, there was only one way to fix that.

Setting aside the circuit board she had been recalibrating, Pidge got up, sidled over to Hunk who was sitting in front of the panels he'd taken to buffing to restore to their original shine, and plopped herself next to him.

"Pidge?" he asked, breaking off as her small arms wrapped about him as best she could and she pressed her face into his arm. She felt one of his large hands descend upon her head, giving it an affectionate rub.

"Are you okay?" she mumbled.

"Well, my calves sort of hurt," he said. "And I jammed my thumb on one of Yellow's panels so I really should go get some ice when we're done."

"Hunk," she sighed, exasperated and he chuckled.

"I'm all right," he said, more sincerely. "It's… it's been hard, you know? I mean, Lance has had his down moments before, but I just always hugged him and… and it got better. And I don't really know what I'm doing now and I'm worried I'm going to mess him up more."

"Lance is lucky to have you," Pidge said quietly, shifting so that she was tucked up more against Hunk's side and he looped an arm about her shoulders. "You're amazing, Hunk. You just… You need to take care of yourself too."

He squeezed her. "I know. If Allura and Coran weren't so insistent I don't think I've have gotten even half of the sleep I have. I can't relax though. Not until Lance is better and…" his voice dropped. "I don't know how long it's going to take, Pidge."

And this is why Pidge realized she hadn't approached Hunk. She was rubbish at this comforting thing. Where it came so easily to Hunk and Shiro, it was like pulling teeth for her. Keith's brand of worry was something she could deal with because Keith was even more socially stunted than her and trying to help Shiro in the bathroom had felt so natural and she had let it come.

But Hunk wasn't crying but trying not to like Shiro or wound so tight that he might break like Keith. Hunk was an open book not afraid to show the most vulnerable parts of himself, and that openness scared her in a way.

She felt a tear slip down her cheek as she couldn't find the words to say. Reassuring Hunk they had time was a lie because Haggar was coming. Anything she said felt false and Hunk was too smart.

"Aww, Pidge," Hunk hugged her tighter. "It's okay. Everything is going to be all right."

And when Hunk said it she could tell he meant it from the bottom of his heart, that it wasn't a statement meant to offer useless comfort. "It's going to be hard, for sure. But we'll get through all of it together."

"I was supposed to be comforting you," she sniffled, wiping a hand across her eyes.

He chuckled and Pidge loved the way his entire body moved with that bubbling warmth. No wonder Lance had always sought Hunk out for hugs. "I appreciate it," he said gently. "Thank you."

"I'm doing a terrible job."

She felt him shake his head. "I don't think that at all. Thank you, Pidge. Really. I feel better."

And she did not sense any lie in his words. Still, that had been the crappiest attempt at comforting she had ever borne witness to and she resolved to get better at it. Somehow.

For now though she remained where she was, snuggled up to Hunk and feeling Green purring in the back of her mind with a lazy contentment from the knowledge that for the moment everything was peaceful.

A sharp groaning of gears disturbed the silence and both of their heads turned nearly comically fast in the direction of the Blue Lion, who was uncurling and stretching her legs out.

Yellow's Paladin she called and Hunk straightened. My Paladin ready now.

"Be right back," Hunk said, pulling his arm free of Pidge with one last squeeze and lumbering to his feet.

"Should I go?" Pidge asked, trying not to show any disappointment. She wanted to see Lance, talk to him and reassure herself that he was there and he was all right, but she didn't want to crowd him. Because the boy that had been sitting in Allura's room was not the Lance she had once known and instinct told her that this version of Lance did not want to be the center of attention.

The thought was like an icy stab through her heart at just how wrong that was. She wanted her Lance back; the one that reminded her so much of Matt with his terrible jokes and no sense of personal space and the way he'd ruffle her hair and just make her feel like she belonged.

And she knew he was still in there. Just as she knew this Lance, this scared and tentative one that looked so down upon himself, wasn't new. He'd been there all along, but he'd been hidden. Haggar had dragged him to the surface and forced Lance to see himself as only that.

But the witch was wrong and Pidge's fists trembled at her side. She may have done that to Lance, but even while she could see his fear she saw more his courage and his compassion and his love and concern. It was all still there, those core pieces that made Lance who he was. Made him the Blue Paladin.

Made him her brother.

He just needed to see that for himself. And Pidge didn't know how, just as lost as Hunk had admitted feeling, but they were going to make sure he saw all the good that they saw in him and then… then she would see him smile again. She missed his smile and the way it warmed her from the inside out. She would do anything to put it back on his face where it belonged.

Hunk looked torn at her question, no doubt weighing the odds of each scenario. She felt Green press on her mind, numbers and calculations. And, she realized with a heavy sigh, her Lion was right.

"I'll see you guys at dinner," she said, clambering to her feet.

"Pidge-"

"It's okay. I.. I don't want to crowd and make him uncomfortable."

Hunk sighed but nodded. He looked at her then, warm brown eyes serious. ""He's still Lance. You know that, right?"

She nodded, a lump suddenly in her throat as Hunk's words brought up her own internal monologue. "I know," she managed. "I just…"

Pidge didn't know what to say, she was realizing. Did she go forward as if all were normal? She'd done that once, sarcastically asking him if he really thought they'd have left him there and when she'd seen the truth in his eyes… She had felt her insides freeze with the realization that he honestly thought they were not coming for him. That they would leave him, knowing he was being tortured, because he wasn't as "important" to the universe as the Black Lion.

She had held back the tears then, horror more than anything taking precedence. Because if it were any of them she knew Lance would be front and center doing all he could to bring them home. He would never even consider leaving one of them behind for the good of the universe and yet he couldn't even fathom the possibility regarding himself.

So if she didn't pretend all was normal, what was left? She failed mightily at comforting, Hunk exhibit A, and she wasn't one to walk on eggshells and honestly? She didn't think Lance would appreciate that, even as worn down as he was and she didn't like the idea of treating him like a porcelain doll. That wasn't going to help him get back on his feet and Hunk had already cautioned them all about turning sympathy and kindness to pity.

She just needed some time to collect herself. That was all. And honestly, if she were Lance, she'd want some space. It'd be better to let him just see Hunk when that was likely all was expecting. There'd be plenty of time, like dinner, hopefully, to talk to him.

Hunk's hand descended on her shoulder and he pulled her into a tight hug. "All right then," he murmured. "We'll see you at dinner."

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak anymore.

Hunk watched her go, knowing that this was the best call. He didn't know what kind of state he'd find Lance in and throwing in extra variables would just complicate matters. The last he'd seen Lance had been lost in a memory and unresponsive and although he knew between Shiro and Blue Lance had come back to the present, it was better for now this way.

Blue opened her mouth and Hunk made his way up the ramp, trying to keep his footsteps soft on the metal. At his first glance into the cockpit he did not see Lance, but Blue soothed his mind before the panic could even begin and he followed her urges around the pilot's chair.

There he found Lance, curled up on the floor against the front console with a thick blanket wrapped clumsily about him and not yet aware of Hunk's presence, eyes closed and head tilted down.

"Lance?" Hunk called gently.

Tired ocean eyes blinked open. "Hunk," came a murmur.

"¿Estás bien?" Hunk asked gently, sitting down against the console; close but not quite touching.

To his great surprise and delight, Lance leaned tentatively to the side and Hunk scooched over the few inches, allowing Lance to press up against his arm.

Lance paused then, as if thinking about the question. Hunk felt again in that instance the warm comfort of Blue and Lance gave a tiny nod. "Bien. Estoy bien."

And Hunk could feel the truth, as much as Lance could honestly offer at this point. He still wasn't really okay, but in this moment Hunk could feel the fragile peace that Lance had found. He sent a silent wave of gratitude to Blue for it.

"I'm glad to hear it. You do look a little cold though," Hunk observed, noting how even within the blanket there was a tremble and the way Lance's barely visible fingertips were shaking.

"A little," Lance admitted, casting his eyes to the side.

"How about we go get you some warmer clothes then?" Hunk suggested.

After a moment Lance nodded and Hunk beamed. "All right. We'll head back to your room then, okay?"

"I… I don't think I can walk," Lance whispered, a blush dusting his cheeks. "I…" He'd fallen twice now after all and he didn't want a repeat experience of relieving any of those memories. That, and his legs shook and his head ached even thinking about it.

"Hey, no problem," Hunk said cheerfully. "Vertigo isn't being very kind to you right now. Up for a piggyback ride?"

Another nod.

"Hop aboard then."

Hunk shifted to the right so his broad back was facing Lance and he pulled himself onto his knees for easier lift off. A second later he felt a hand snake about his neck, followed by a second and something press uncomfortably into his neck. Allura's plush doll he realized a second later, and one of its beaded eyes.

"All good?" he asked, receiving a quiet yes.

In one swift movement, Hunk got to his feet, hands moving to first support Lance's weight and then to wrapping about thin legs to hold him on. He looked back over his shoulder, making sure that Lance was well and secure, blanket managing to hold on too, squashed as it was between their two bodies.

"Okay, off we go then," Hunk announced. "We'll see you later, Blue."

"Bye, Blue," Lance said quietly. And then, almost too quiet even with his lips just inches from Hunk's head he added, "Gracias," and both Paladins felt the purr of contentment and love.

"I owe you an apology," Hunk said softly as they exited the hall and made their way to the residential quarters. He felt Lance stiffen in surprise. "I'm sorry I brought you into the cockpit like that," he continued. "I wasn't thinking about… things."

Lance let out a soft little sigh, breath ghosting past Hunk's ear. "'s okay. I'm… I'm okay now." He couldn't be mad at Hunk for not realizing what he himself had not thought of until they'd arrived. And it wasn't Hunk's fault he had had a complete mental breakdown upon realizing said thing. "I'm… I'm sorry too," Lance said. "For… for panicking like that."

"Don't apologize for that, Lance," Hunk cut in, and while his voice was not sharp it was firm. "You…" he licked his lips. "Bad stuff happened in there. You… You got hurt and…"

"I killed someone," and the admission spoken so freely nearly made Hunk trip over his own feet. "I've… I've never killed someone before, Hunk."

"I know," he replied gently, slowing their pace. Part of him wanted to stop completely so he could set Lance down so he could see him. But the other part realized that maybe this was for the best, given how Lance had been having trouble making eye contact. So Hunk kept up a very slow, steady walk, waiting to see if Lance would say more.

"But Shiro…" and he trailed off and Hunk felt a cold cheek rest itself on the bare skin hollow between his shirt and neck. "He said…He said it was self defense."

"And what do you think?" Hunk asked, sensing the slight hesitation.

"I wish I hadn't killed him," came the reply. "But I… I understand why. And Shiro…" a sigh. "He was right. I was just trying to… to protect myself."

"And he's right. Still though… I'm sorry you had to go through that," Hunk said, after swallowing past the lump that had formed. "Lance, I… I'm so sorry."

"'s not your fault."

"I'm still sorry though," Hunk said, squeezing Lance's legs. "You were scared and alone and the Galrans had hurt you and Blue. And when you got stabbed…" He couldn't suppress the shudder, recalling the sound of the blade being pulled out of Lance and the Galrans cruel laughter.

Lance though had stiffened ever so slightly, but Hunk felt it.

"How… how do you know about that?" Lance asked and there was a new tremor to his voice.

Hunk's mind screeched to a halt. Fudge. Oh, fudge.

"H-Hunk?" and Lance was trembling now.

Well, the cat was out of the bag now and lying and deflecting would only make things worse. So Hunk let out a sigh of his own. "There was an audio recording," he said lowly. "It started once Blue powered down."

"Oh," Lance managed, the word seeming to echo in the hall.

So they'd heard. They'd heard everything that had happened. His cries for help, his panic, his failure. They must have heard then too him kill Theodek's brother, although Lance didn't remember much past that as the other Galran had knocked him out.

"It was all to leave us a message," Hunk continued, giving Lance's leg another squeeze. "That the Galrans had taken you and to await further instructions. They wanted to scare us and God, Lance, they did. I have never been more scared in my entire life."

"Lo siento," Lance apologized, hating that he'd caused Hunk that pain.

Hunk choked out a laugh that sounded more like a sob. "Why are you apologizing? Lance, you got stabbed and… and… We didn't even know anything was really wrong until Blue managed to come back to the surface. You were down there for almost thirty minutes and we were all useless."

The words were bitter on his tongue but Hunk couldn't stop them. They hadn't been able to do anything until Blue had reappeared and even then they'd spent nearly two days waiting for Galra to contact them. Two days of not knowing what had happened, wondering if Lance was alive, if he was in pain… And then to receive that awful transmission, to watch Lance strapped down and tortured for his refusal to speak.

"Hunk," Lance whispered, tightening his arms about the large neck in some form of a hug. He didn't know what else really to say. He felt like he should apologize again for making them feel that way, but that wasn't what Hunk wanted to hear.

Hunk squeezed his leg again and a shuddering breath rocked them both. "It's… you're here now. That's what matters."

"Mhm," Lance mumbled into Hunk's back and Hunk let it drop. Shiro had helped Lance to get to this point, to recognize that in this instance that the act of killing another had not been malicious or unwarranted. He felt a swell of gratitude to their leader for being able to help Lance like that and knowing just what to say.

"We're here," Hunk announced as they entered the residential hall and they stopped in front of Lance's door.

Lance felt a sudden surge of fear at the thought of going inside. This was the last place untouched by all that had happened. The last time he had been in his room he'd been… not happy, per se, but he had been determined. He had been assigned a mission specially designed for him and Blue and he was going to do it right.

He was going to make his parents proud and show the team that he was a Paladin of Voltron and they could count on him.

But then he'd been attacked and captured and all thoughts of proving himself competent had been crushed beneath Haggar's touch. And now, here he was, afraid to go into his own bedroom.

Some Paladin he was.

Hunk though had already awkwardly managed to raise a hand to the panel and the doors swished open and before he could even try to protest they were stepping inside.

It was dark as Hunk fumbled for the lightswitch, eventually casting the room into a soft lit glow. "How about you sit down?" Hunk suggested, already maneuvering them over to the bed, where a familiar jacket was folded neatly on his pillow.

Lance slowly unhooked his arms as he felt himself settle on the bed, feeling a chill as Hunk's comforting warmth vanished. But it was back a second later, the larger boy sinking onto the mattress next to Lance and Lance immediately pressed up against him.

"So," Hunk said, giving a sweeping gesture of the room, "here we are."

It looked exactly as Lance had left it; dirty clothes in a pile by the door where he'd yet to throw them into the hamper for Coran, quilts haphazardly piled on the foot of the bed and his plants sitting atop his dresser looking… rather alive, actually.

Hunk noticed his gaze and gave a chuckle. "I tried to keep them up for you. Gave them some water but Carlos is wilting a bit."

"He likes food goo," Lance murmured. He turned to Hunk then, chest tight with gratitude. "Gracias, Hunk. For taking care of them."

"Anytime," and Hunk's arm, carefully wrapped about Lance's shoulders, gave a tiny squeeze and Lance leaned into it gratefully.

They stayed like that for a few moments, looking at the array of plants across the room, before Lance gave a small shiver.

"Right, clothes," Hunk jumped up. "Let's see what we've got."

He pulled open Lance's dresser drawer, frown pursing his lips. For all that stared back at him were a few more tacky tee shirts that would go nowhere to helping Lance warm up and one more pair of sweatpants, but Lance already had a set of those on.

The other drawer only revealed a few pairs of socks, which Hunk did grab a pair, and more boxer shorts. The closet revealed an extra underamour suit, and while warm it was not what Lance really needed right now, but it did have a few long-sleeved shirts and Hunk plucked one at random; a solid dark gray.

He didn't see Lance's favorite blue robe though or the matching slippers. He tracked back to the pile of dirty laundry and yup, there they were. The slippers wouldn't have been much use anyway, as they'd slip off if Lance had to be carried and for a little while at least Hunk thought that would be the safer option, but the robe would have been nice. He'd have to get some laundry going first chance.

"Here we go," he said, bringing the shirt and socks back to the bed where Lance was hunched over in the emergency blanket. "How about socks first? Your feet have got to be cold."

Hunk held them out and Lance took the offered rolled up bundle in his left hand, keeping his shoulders hunched so the blanket didn't fall off.

Both Paladins realized a tick later though the problem as Lance's right hand moved to assist and the shaking limb could not get a firm enough hold to pull the entangled socks apart.

Lance felt the all too familiar tears of frustration and shame sting his eyes and he flexed his right hand with no further luck, the thumb slightly twitching but that was all.

"Hey, hey, it's all right," Hunk comforted, putting one of his own hands over Lance's shaking right.

"It's n-not…"

He couldn't stop the tremble. He knew it was going to take time. He'd only been awake for a couple varga now and they hadn't even tried any exercises or tests so he shouldn't be expecting it to work. But every time he was bluntly reminded of the fact that it did not respond started the horror over anew.

And despite all they'd said, despite the fact Allura had very specifically told him that working hand or not he was the Blue Paladin, part of him still couldn't believe it. What good was he if he couldn't fight after all? He wasn't like Pidge and Hunk, able to contribute to the team with their genius and tech or Keith and Shiro with tactical planning and piloting skills. He had no discernible talents outside of being able to accurately shoot a gun.

And he didn't want to be kept on the team out of pity. Being a Paladin of Voltron was an honor, not a handout. He needed to earn his keep, show them he could contribute too to saving the universe. He wanted to help too. He wanted to help save people and liberate planets and give hope.

But he had no idea how to do that, not with a useless hand. He tried to reassure himself that it was good he still had a hand after all that, rather than a… a…

He choked on his next breath, dizzy with the idea.

"What is it?" Hunk asked, worry clear as his grip tightened over Lance's hand. "What's wrong?"

"My hand," he whispered. "I… I can fix it."

"That's the spirit," Hunk smiled at him, the worry disappearing. "We'll all help. You just need to give it time, Lance."

"No," Lance shook his head. "No, that's not what I meant. I…" He looked up, eyes shining with a fervor that made Hunk's unease return. "A prosthetic, Hunk. I could… like Shiro's… and my hand…"

His hand wouldn't be useless anymore. He could fight with it again, pull the trigger on a gun. He could do everything that he'd been rendered incapable of.

Except… and his left hand tightened into a fist. He wouldn't be able to feel things with it, not really. It'd be a piece of cold metal. Inhuman. An even more permanent reminder than the scars that already made his heart race. A thought of Haggar every time he glanced down, just as surely as Shiro must think when he saw his own arm.

And the pain. He'd have to have been blind to miss how Shiro's arm hurt him, even though he tried so hard to hide it. After battle especially it seemed to drag on him, but Lance had also seen Shiro try to hide it when they were on colder planets or even super hot ones. Not only that, but there had to be the residual pain from having a limb removed like that, and although Lance knew if his had to go it would be done much more gently than Shiro's it would still leave behind that phantom feeling.

But if it was for the team… for the universe…He could do it.

"Oh, Lance," and Hunk's voice broke. "No…"

"But then I'll be useful again," Lance explained, urgently. "I… I won't be a burden and—"

He was cut off as Hunk suddenly lunged forward, pulling Lance into a near bone-crushing hug. Panic welled up at first at the sensation of arms squeezing his own to his side and the helplessness that he was trapped, and he couldn't get free and he was going to get hurt.

But it gave way almost immediately as Hunk's shoulders heaved in a sob and ice settled in Lance's stomach instead. "Hunk?" he whispered, unable to do much else as his arms were pinned and Hunk's face was pressed into his shirt. "H-Hunk?"

Slowly Hunk released him from his grip, but his hands moved to Lance's shoulders, holding him firmly but still gentle.

"Lance," Hunk choked out, honey eyes brimming with tears. "You are not a burden. And you are so much more than just the team's sharpshooter. Your hand… give it a chance, por favor."

"I just..." and Lance's lip trembled. "I just want to help."

"I know," Hunk soothed, "I know, hermano. But a prosthetic…" his hands tightened on Lance's shoulders. "It's a big change, Lance. It's permanent. There's no need to rush into any decision right now. Let's see how therapy goes, okay? Can we do that first?" And Hunk sounded so upset that agreeing was the only thing Lance could do, to ease that pain from his friend.

"Okay," Lance managed, a tear slipping down his cheek. He could wait. For now. Maybe talk to Shiro too. Shiro would know what to do. He always did.

"Okay," Hunk breathed, slowly sitting up and giving Lance back his space. "Good. Let's get those socks on then, huh? My feet are cold just looking at yours."

"I don't think I can," Lance murmured, trying to swallow back the feeling of inadequacy.

"I'll help you then," Hunk said, picking up the socks from where they had fallen. "Is that okay?"

Lance nodded.

"All right then."

Lance's feet were still dangling over the mattress, so Hunk maneuvered himself to the floor. He was waiting for Lance to make some witty comment about Cinderella and her slipper as he made to ease one sock on, but Lance was staring straight ahead, unblinkingly although tears still clung to the corners of his eyes.

Hunk repressed the sigh. They had a long way to go until Lance was cracking jokes again. And as he pulled the item up over Lance's foot, which despite his efforts was trembling mightily, he was vividly reminded why.

A long pink scar ran the full length of Lance's foot from his heel to his toes. He hadn't seen that part of the transmission, but he'd learned enough. The Galra had taken a knife and nearly cleaved each of his feet in two; a charge for desertion in their wacked up trial.

"I'm not hurting you, am I?" Hunk asked gently as he carefully lowered the left foot and moved to the right.

"No," Lance whispered, offering up nothing else.

Hunk could see the tenseness in the shoulders though and the way Lance kept blinking made him think he was trying very, very hard not to fall back into some memory. Hunk hurriedly pulled on the second sock, but was no less gentle in his haste.

"All right, toes are all snuggly now," he said, straightening up. "How about we swap out shirts? And we've got your jacket right here to put over it."

Lance looked at his favorite jacket. He'd had it for almost three years now and it had survived everything from pick-up futbol games to camping trips and even space. It reminded him of home and his family and all the good times. It somehow still smelled of cinnamon too and the rain detergent his mamá bought special for him even after all the numerous washings Coran had put it through.

But as he looked at it, he realized that wasn't what he wanted right now. Just thinking of home again was making his chest ache and his throat tight and he didn't want to break down crying again.

"Hunk?" he asked, hoping it didn't sound as needy as it came out. "Can I… can I borrow one of your jackets?"

"Of course," Hunk said, rolling with the request. He snapped his fingers. "You know, I think I have just the one. It's a little snug on me and it'll still be big on you, but it's nice and comfy and it has a hood. That work?"

"If you don't mind," Lance said, turning his gaze to the ground.

"Absolutely not. I'll go get it real quick. You'll be okay for a few minutes?"

Lance liked to think he would be and so he managed a tiny nod.

"Be right back then," Hunk said.

The door closed with a swoosh behind him and Lance let out a breath, realizing that for the first time since this all began he was alone. No cameras. No people. Not even Blue's presence touching his mind.

Just him. And his thoughts.

And he tried to ignore those as best he could, because in his thoughts there were memories and darkness and he didn't want to get lost to them again.

So instead he decided to focus on something else. Like his plants.

He picked Flafie up from his lap and set the plush reverently atop his jacket and pillow, stroking his fingers against the soft ears.

"Be right back," he told it, voice breaking the silence of the room.

Then he managed to push himself to standing, bracing one hand against the wall by the headboard as black spots flashed in his vision at the elevation change. He stood for a few seconds and when his legs had mostly stopped shaking and the room had returned to focus he took a hesitant step forward.

Nothing bad happened.

He let out a soft breath and took another, keeping his gaze firmly focused on the greenery. He was nearly there when a flash of something out of the corner of his eye had him whirling, the action sending him stumbling and he only barely managed to catch himself against the dresser he had been aiming for.

A mirror greeted him, perched on the low desk he'd transformed into his beauty salon. There was something in the mirror though and he took a hesitant step towards it, heart racing. Because it couldn't be…

He drew nearer and blinked. The reflection staring back blinked too.

"No," he whispered, watching as the figure in the mirror did the same.

He all but collapsed on the stool he'd put before the desk, staring uncomprehendingly at the mirror. Because that couldn't be him.

No wonder the others kept giving him such pitying looks, treating him so gently. The figure looking in the glass looked like one touch would shatter him into pieces.

His face was thin, highlighting already stark cheekbones. There were near bruises of exhaustion below dull looking eyes, and his skin had an unhealthy pallor. But more than that was the utter lifelessness to it, the way his mouth drooped down and his dead eyes barely blinked.

And then the bandages. White and thick they wrapped around his entire neck in a macabre necklace. But they were covering something far, far worse.

Lance reached a tentative hand up to his neck, watching his mirror image do the same.

He had to see. The sudden urge nearly bowled him over in its intensity and his hand scrambled at the bandages, digging unresponsive fingers into the folds and ripping them away, clawing at his own throat like a rabid animal.

Seconds later the bandages were floating to the ground in pieces and his neck was laid bare, save for the ugly ring all around it.

He reached back up to it, flinching at even his own fingers. They lighted upon the scar; bumpy and distorted and wrong. He felt his stomach heave and he choked back the acid taste of whatever fluids he still had left in him.

He heard laughter. Cold and dark. Amused by his pain. And suddenly he was not so alone in the mirror, a pair of gleaming yellow eyes meeting his.

He gasped, jerking his head over his shoulder but no one was there. Pulse pounding in his ears he turned forward again, but she was there. In the mirror.

"No," he whimpered. She wasn't here. She wasn't.

You did this to yourself, Haggar hissed.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "Y-you're not h-here."

She was just a memory. Just his mind playing a cruel trick on him.

You were weak. You are weak. You allowed this to happen.

"No," he whispered again. "G-get out." They'd told him he was strong. That she was a liar. She was lying. And she wasn't here.

You cannot fool yourself, she laughed, sound grating and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to dispel it. You cannot hide, my Lance. Not from me. She laughed again. Now, why don't you open those pretty blue eyes?

"No!" he shrieked, stumbling away from the mirror and collapsing on the ground, eyes still scrunched closed.

"You're not here. You're not here, you're not here, you're not here."

His harsh breaths permeated the air, but otherwise all was silent. After a few moments he released his hands from where he'd pressed them into his skull, feeling a slight stinging on his left where his nails had dug in.

Still no Haggar. No laugh, no whisper. He tentatively cracked open his eyes, half-expecting to see the hem of her robe.

Nothing. Just a few bottles of face creams he'd apparently knocked down with him in his panicked flail away.

He let out a breathy sob. It was okay. It was just in his head. Haggar wasn't here, she had never been. Just his screwed up mind mixing reality with memory.

Would it ever get better? Would every touch of a scar, every side glance the wrong way trigger him into a pathetic mess?

"Estoy bien," he whispered, trying to convince himself. "Estoy bien."

He had to get up. He couldn't be like this, curled up like a scared child, when Hunk came back. Even if that's all he felt like right now.

But Blue believed in him. She believed in him with all of her being and if an ancient magical space Lion thought he was worth something then he had to believe he was. And he could do this small thing.

So he struggled to sitting, even that action leaving him dizzy. He needed to get up though, back on his feet. To the bed.

And yet even as he pulled himself up to standing using the stool, he found himself drawn back to the mirror. Haggar wasn't there anymore, but the sad, weak looking boy still was.

Lance thumped back down onto the stool, staring at the caricature of himself.

"You're okay," he told it. "You're.. You're not weak. You're st…" the word froze on his tongue, as if even his own body was trying to tell him no, he wasn't.

He brought his hand up once more to his neck, pressing on the dark scar.

Nothing happened, other than the sensation of the pressure.

"You're okay," he repeated, wishing to believe it. He wanted to be okay. He wanted to smile again. He hadn't… hadn't been able to in so long now and if he could just manage that… somehow, somehow things would be better.

At least, that's what he told himself.

He tried then, to smile, but his lips only twitched and then fell down.

"Come on," he pleaded with himself. "Please."

His mouth remained a thin line.

"P-please."

His reflection only looked impassively back at him.

"Please," he begged it.

He needed this. He needed to be able to smile again. Every time he failed to do so it felt like a tiny piece of him shattered. Smiling and laughter had made him who he was. It was him.

And not being able to do something as simple as that… he felt the despair grow. It was what Haggar and Theodek had wanted and he hated that even now he couldn't help but give into them.

He really was weak, wasn't he?

He looked back at his reflection, tracing the dim eyes and the lifeless expression. "Por favor," he whispered. "Just... "

He tried again, forcing frozen muscles upwards. The result looked more like a pained grimace than anything and he let it fall away.

"What's wrong with me?" he whispered, the words echoing in his head the same as he'd asked in the mindscape.

But this time no storm clouds rumbled in reply and no rain wept down. The silence pressed in instead and a tear made its way down his cheek. He traced its descent in the mirror, unable to stop as more and more came.

Who was this broken boy staring back at him? It wasn't a Paladin of Voltron. It wasn't a hero. It certainly wasn't anyone he could be proud of.

He tried one last time, summoning up the warmth and love he'd felt, the care and support everyone was pouring into him. He pictured Blue, felt her wrap about him and purr reverberate through his chest. Hunk's warm arms securing him in a hug. Keith's fiery eyes and Pidge's gentle hands. Shiro's beaming pride. Coran's protectiveness and Allura's compassion.

He focused on all of those, feeling the light pulse at the darkness that was dragging him down.

But it wasn't enough.

It couldn't be enough.

The images shattered, leaving behind only a boy with sad eyes and tears painted on his face. Lance reached a trembling hand out, touching the image in the mirror that was him.

It hadn't worked because despite their love and assurance, Lance still didn't fully believe it himself. He wanted to. He wanted to so much but there was still something wrong, something broken inside him that told him he didn't deserve it, and Haggar whispered in agreement.

He never had.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to his mirror image. He buried his face in his arms so he didn't have to see the failure he had become.

And he cried.

xxx

Author's Notes:

So, this chapter was fun, yeah? Started off all fluffy and cute and then okay, a little angst there with the recording reveal, back to lighter and hopeful with the plants, then to angst again as Lance touches upon the idea of the prosthetic (did anyone realize Lance himself has never mentioned it yet? :p), a little lighter again with Hunk once more (thank you, you ray of sunshine you) and then nope, back to angst with Haggar and the mirror and the smile. I really did want to actually end this chapter on a happy note, but Lance wants to wallow some and who am I to deny him anything? (except happiness; apparently I will not allow him to have that xD) I know from the Q&A a number of you were looking forward to the mirror scene. Hope you enjoyed!

But hey, even if I'm denying Lance happiness I have something fun for you guys! A CONTEST in honor of my favorite time of the year; Christmas and all it's cheer! Yup! The premise is easy: in your review on this chapter guess my favorite Christmas song (one guess per person). If you are the first person to guess correctly you win! And what do you win? A Voltron one-shot by me from 3k-6k words (although knowing me it could be longer :p). Anything goes, so long as it's gen (no pairings or romance here, folks). It could be a sick!fic, smol!fic, AU idea... anything! However: Reviews submitted that only relate to the contest will be disqualified and deleted (if anonymous). You've gotta still leave a normal review, guys! On that note, anonymous reviewers are more than welcome to participate so long as you reach out to me via email should you win. I shall provide two hints as to my song: 1; it is not Sleigh Ride (dear God no no no no) and 2; think of what you know of what I like given my writing and go from there :p All entries must be submitted by Thursday, Dec. 14 2359 hours (11:59 pm) CST and the results will be announced on the chapter on Friday. Good luck! May the odds be ever in your favor.

Love and hugs to the fabulous reviewers from last chapter: Guest, hobbes101, Nellie Bachesneg, Subtle Shenanigans, Jennyfish26, StrawberryFever3, yazbk2988, Guest, WhiteTails, Oliviadbell, catlover2976, imagine forevermore, cuthalion, JustADamFrenchFry, llamamoose23, dragoscilvio, saumya (it most certainly is not! :p), lovemelau, wingedflower, BlueCookiesforRick, Pfeh, Adrianna Agray, Fir3danc3r, Eeveecat1248, Wolf of the Demise, IceAurora, Alexa, Shadow Gray, LishaChan, Rachhecht, migraine, Justanangryfangirl, TheTheoryofFangirling, Elikapeka, momoluvr11, rwbygirl, Midnight 0racle, Supergurkan, Lasagna and PaintedWings45!

Also, some of you have found it already, but for those who have not, I wrote a Shiro and Keith backstory oneshot (Burning Bright) that does tie into the Color universe and some eagle-eyes might see some mentions of it here and there. If that's your cup of tea, do enjoy! #endselfpromo

Please do drop a comment below! I really would love to hear what you thought of the chapter. Thank you!