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As Color Fades Away

Chapter 45

Lance was so immersed in his own misery that he didn't even hear the door swish open or Hunk's cheerful greeting. He didn't realize the other boy was even there until hands were suddenly lighting about his shoulders and his head shot up so fast it collided backwards into Hunk's broad chest.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, it's just me," Hunk soothed as Lance let out a loud gasp and tried to pull away, going nowhere thanks to the desk. "It's just Hunk."

And Lance could see that thanks to the mirror, but he still had to make sure, craning his head around. But unlike Haggar, Hunk was real and solid and warm and the hands on his shoulders weren't restricting but solid. Comforting.

He looked back at their reflections, reassured when no yellow eyes intruded on the scene. His breaths were still coming too quickly and he couldn't seem to catch up to them.

"It's okay, estás bien, breathe with me, come on. In and out." He could feel Hunk's chest rising and falling with each exhale and he desperately tried to do the same.

"There we go," Hunk murmured as Lance gradually felt his heart begin to slow even though the rest of him was still trembling like a tree in a storm. "That's it. Good job. Just keep breathing in and out like that."

A minute turned into two and then five, but Hunk didn't do anything except murmur soft words and instruct Lance on breathing while his hands, still light on Lance's shoulders, gently rubbed in circles.

"There, you're looking better," Hunk said, meeting Lance's eyes in the reflection before Lance averted his gaze down. He didn't want to see himself anymore. "Breathing okay?"

"Si," Lance whispered, the sign of his panic all but gone, save for the still damp trails of tears on his cheeks.

"How about we go back to the bed?" Hunk suggested, noticing how Lance had pointedly ignored the mirror nearly the entire time despite the fact it was taking up the entire space in front of them. He had a good guess why, spotting the ripped bandages on the floor and the ring of scar tissue on full display.

Hunk's heart broke just a little more as Lance raised his left hand and pressed it to his neck, flinching at the raised flesh.

"Come on," he said gently.

Lance nodded but upon attempting to stand his legs gave out under him and only Hunk's quick reflexes managed to keep him from smashing his face into the desk as he went down.

With no effort at all, Hunk scooped Lance into his arms and carried him the few paces over to the bed, gently settling him onto the comforter.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked as Lance tucked his feet up underneath him and mutely accepted the quilt Hunk pulled from the bed, draping it about him and letting the extra folds pool in his lap.

"I don't know," he managed, rubbing his face against the scratchy yarn in an attempt to wipe away the tear tracks, and even that extra touch making him flinch and stop immediately. "It's… it's stupid."

"It's not stupid," Hunk countered softly, retrieving Flafie from the pillow and offering the plush to Lance, who took it with his left hand and pressed it to his chest.

Lance ducked his head.

Hunk patiently waited, watching as Lance rubbed his fingers up and over the cloth ears of the toy.

"I can't smile," Lance finally said, voice so soft Hunk barely caught it. He looked up then, new tears magnifying his ocean eyes. "I can't sm-smile, Hunk."

Hunk didn't know what to say, words getting lost in his throat. He'd observed Lance's lack of a smile, wondered what it was going to take to bring even a small one to his best friend's face, but he thought it had been because Lance was just tired and overwhelmed.

"There's something w-wrong with me," Lance choked out. "I c-can't…"

"Shhh," Hunk comforted, placing a gentle hand on Lance's shoulder and feeling the tiniest bit of relief when Lance leaned further into the touch rather than pulling away. He secured his arm then, wrapping it more firmly around the thin frame, and pulled Lance flush against, him, allowing the other boy to pillow his head on Hunk's chest.

"What's wrong with me?" Lance whispered brokenly. "Why can't I…?"

"There's nothing wrong with you," Hunk said firmly, finding his voice.

"But I—"

"You went through a lot, Lance," Hunk continued, rubbing his thumb in circles on Lance's shoulder and taking comfort in the newest sobs draining away. "Horrible, horrible things. It's… it's like your hand. It's going to take time to feel better.

"And I know things are hard right now," Hunk said gently. "You're scared. And sad. We are too." He hugged Lance a little tighter. "And it's okay if you can't smile. You smile when you're happy, Lance. And right now… right now you're not happy. And that's okay."

"It feels... broken," Lance whispered, trying to describe the jagged darkness that still filled him and pressed in on the light and warmth his family was trying to grow. No matter how hard they tried he felt like an endless chasm of black and cold that ate up all the good they put in.

"Then we'll fix it," Hunk said. "Together. You don't have to be scared all alone, Lance. Not anymore. We're here and we'll help. However we can and however you'd like us to."

Lance leaned up more against Hunk, feeling the steady heartbeat beneath his head and letting it calm his own. Haggar would say he wasn't worth their time, he thought. He was worthless and pathetic and weak. Her voice was the darkness and her words were a poison and no matter how hard he tried to ignore it he could feel it seeping into him.

But his friends didn't think that. Blue didn't. He'd felt their sincerity and love and he knew they only wanted him to be happy.

But would they still think that after they found out what he'd done? When they found out he gave up?

He shivered despite Hunk's warmth. Blue seemed to think so. And he knew he'd feel better and the weight pressing down on all of the cracks would be lifted once he told.

Assuming that is that they weren't rightly horrified and disgusted by him. He swallowed down a sob, hiding his face against Hunk. Because then he'd lose them all and he didn't know what he'd do then.

"Hey, it's all right," Hunk murmured, voice warm and wrapping about him like a blanket. "It's okay. We're going to get through this. There's no rush, hermano. We'll take all the time we need."

Lance gave a small nod. He could do that. Small steps. Just like Blue had said. And maybe after a little bit of rest and time he'd be able to smile again. He had to let the light in so it could fill up the empty dark space inside him that Haggar and Theodek had tried to grow.

"You know what might make you feel a little better?" Hunk asked, continuing to rub Lance's shoulder through the quilt. "Some food. You up for trying some more of gamibolap?"

As if in answer Lance's stomach gave an odd sort of rumble and he pressed a hand to it, cheeks darkening even as the motion sent actual hunger pangs through him.

"That sounded like a yes," and he could feel Hunk's smile. "Would you prefer to have dinner in the kitchen or eat here? Either one is fine," he added quickly. "Whatever you'd like."

Honestly? Lance wasn't sure. Part of him wanted to stay right here, snuggled up against Hunk with his quilt and pretend that they were back in their dorm room at the Garrison and eating smuggled food from the kitchen. It was safe here. Not that the castle wasn't safe. Or his friends would hurt him. No. But he knew what to expect here. There were no surprises — so long as he didn't look at the mirror — and he felt completely at ease wrapped in Hunk's arms in a way that no one else save Blue could do.

Hunk's presence somehow pushed the most pressing fear away. His hands, while large, were nothing like Theodek's or Haggar's and somehow he always managed to smell of a mixture of honeysuckle and engine grease that made him feel at home.

Hunk was his rock. A comfortable, soft rock, but one nonetheless. He was everything Lance wished he himself was; strong and reliable and compassionate. He was safety and love and comfort all rolled into one and Lance didn't know what he would have done without him.

But that was the thing. He knew Hunk would accept and love him, no matter what. He was half-tempted to tell him, alleviate the sick feeling pressing then he'd spread that poison to Hunk and force Hunk to carry it until he got up the courage to confess to the others. He couldn't do that. It wasn't Hunk's burden to bear and he wouldn't make him suffer along with him.

And if he ever wanted to get the courage to tell the rest of the team he needed to see them, be with them. He couldn't hide away in his room. If he did that then he really would be nothing more than the child Theodek had told him he was.

He was a Paladin of Voltron, as he'd acknowledged just hours ago. And Paladins didn't run away. They were brave and faced their fears and conquered them.

It was just dinner. Dinner with people he loved and who he knew loved him.

There was nothing to be scared of.

"Kitchen," he said softly, feeling a lurch of both nausea and the tiniest bit of pride at his decision.

Hunk beamed at him and Lance swallowed back the pang of fear when his own lips failed to do the same. It was all right, he told himself, trying to project his thought louder than Haggar's sneer. It was okay.

"Want to put on the other shirt first?" Hunk asked. "And… maybe…" he gestured with his free hand in Lance's direction, looking a tad uneasy.

Oh. Right. He'd ripped off the bandages.

"Yes," he swallowed thickly. "Please."

With Hunk's help he got the current tee-shirt over his head, shivering violently as cold air touched bare skin. And despite all his efforts, he couldn't help but look towards the mirror.

It… wasn't as bad as he'd thought it would be. He was thinner, certainly, but not gaunt. And the only scar was a pink splotch just above his rib cage because the hideous burn scar on his right arm was still covered. Still, he hurried to pull on the long-sleeved shirt and the yellow hoodie Hunk had brought for him. It was too big, as Hunk had predicted, but Lance appreciated the bagginess as it hid him. Best yet, it had a pocket perfect for putting Flafie in so he didn't drop the plush.

But it didn't hide his neck and its new macabre accessory. Lance fortunately kept a roll of bandages in his desk drawer for his face mask application — one time he'd gotten the goop on his robe and it nearly hadn't come out so he took no chances now when applying it, although he wondered with a bitter sigh if it really even mattered anymore. With the scar taking up his whole neck… he wasn't much to look at.

Hunk very, very carefully wound several strips about Lance's neck, well aware of the hyper-vigilant eyes tracking every pass around. It was over in under a minute and Lance let out the breath he had been holding during it.

Dressed in the too-big sweatshirt made Lance look even smaller, Hunk thought, heart clenching as Lance pulled the sleeves all the way down so that only his fingertips stuck out. But at least it was a cheerful yellow and the color seemed to warm Lance's mocha skin from the paler pallor it had been. Lance too looked a little more comfortable and his shivering had stopped and that was what was most important.

"Ready to go to dinner?" Hunk smiled, his own stomach growling. He couldn't even imagine how hungry Lance must be.

"Yeah," Lance said after a moment.

"How about you take a ride on the Hunk express one more time?" Hunk suggested. "And if you're feeling a little more sturdy after dinner we can try walking. Fair?"

Lance nodded and found himself in a becoming familiar spot on Hunk's back, arms looped about Hunk's neck and his cheek pressed against the broad shoulder. He'd like to try walking again, despite the fact every attempt thus far had him falling down.

But he hadn't fallen into a memory the last time, he acknowledged, when he'd collapsed in his room. Granted, he'd heard Haggar not long after that echoing in his head, but he hadn't been whisked away to the Kri Za Kri or stage three or anything like that.

That had to be an improvement, right?

Hunk paused them a few yards from the kitchen where the delectable smell of the gamibolap and something that smelled vaguely spicy was wafting out.

"Lance," he said, voice more serious than he intended and he felt Lance's grip tighten ever so slightly. "If… if it's too much just let me know, okay? I know you want to see everyone and everyone wants to see you, but if you feel overwhelmed or sick or anything we can leave. At any time. I… I don't want you to force yourself to do anything, all right? None of us want you to feel uncomfortable."

Lance felt tears prick his eyes. "Gracias," he whispered, throat tight. How did Hunk always know what he needed to hear? To say?

What did he ever do to deserve a friend like him?

"Okay then, ready?"

"Si."

And Hunk stepped forward. It wasn't like entering Blue's cockpit where memories had begun pressing in on him from all side and he'd felt the panic creep up on him. No, the kitchen was free of any horrible things like dead bodies or any injury other than slight kitchen-drama from a slipping knife or a too hot of a pan.

It did have people though. A lot of them. And even though he knew these people and he loved them, as every eye turned to him and his name echoed on their lips Lance felt himself freeze. Elevated as he was on Hunk it was too much like the Kri Za Kri, looking out at the lower audience as every Galran stared in a mixture of delight at what was to come and hate for what Lance represented.

Lance's breath caught and he struggled to draw another one, even as these eyes were only wide with concern.

"Number Four, could you assist me please?" Coran called out, observant eyes seeing the moment Lance had stiffened amongst the greetings. "And Number Five, those plates are not going to set themselves. Hop to it, Paladins! Dinner is waiting!"

As if waiting for someone to break the silence, noise returned to the room as Pidge grabbed a stack of plates and Allura returned to dispensing food goo into a bowl for the mice while the oven dinged that it was done.

Hunk walked them further into the kitchen and towards Shiro, who had remained seated at the head of the table.

"Hey guys," Shiro greeted with a soft smile as Hunk carefully lowered Lance into a chair around the corner from Shiro. "How'd repairs go?" he asked, directing the question at Hunk and Hunk shot him a grateful smile over Lance's head, who was looking down uncomfortably from all of the immediate attention.

"Good," Hunk said, sliding into the chair right next to Lance. "Pidge and I made quite a bit of progress on repairing some of the circuit boards for Yellow's shielding. We should get them up and running by tomorrow."

"I'm glad to hear it, but I'm sure the Yellow Lion is even more so," Shiro grinned, earning a soft laugh and a nod from Hunk.

He turned warm charcoal eyes to Lance then, who was sitting hunched in his chair over folded arms and had yet to lift his head although Shiro could tell by the slight tilt of his chin that he was indeed listening. "How was your visit with Blue, Lance?"

Lance could feel Shiro's eyes on him, but they were patient. Waiting for him. He also felt Hunk's presence, warm and steady, next to him and he let out a small breath, forcing himself to pick his gaze up from the table and in Shiro's direction.

"Good," he said softly, mimicking Hunk, and Shiro's smile grew wider and Lance felt the vice loosen just a bit in his chest at the unfiltered happiness Shiro was projecting. His answer wasn't anything special, but it had been enough to put that expression on Shiro's face. He wasn't asking for details — not of his visit with Blue, not of his time with the Galra — and Lance felt himself relax even further.

"Glad to hear it, buddy."

The clattering of utensils announced Pidge and Lance couldn't help the slight flinch as the petite girl spilled all the silverware on the other end of the table, the rattling on the metal surface sounding too much like chains.

Pidge sent a guilty look in all of their direction, not singling Lance out although he was certain she'd seen him recoil and he appreciated it. "Sorry, sorry, the plate slipped," she said, doling out sets at empty seats.

"Maybe take two trips next time?" Shiro suggested, earning a scowl in return.

"It's more efficient to do it in one," she responded. "Besides, I managed."

"Not well," Keith chimed in, carrying a large pot in oven-mitted hands over to the table, a small smirk qurking up his mouth.

"I wasn't asking for your opinion," she sniffed.

"And yet I'm still giving it."

"No fighting at the dinner table," Shiro sighed as he saw Pidge's eyes narrow playfully. He appreciated their attempt to keep the mood somewhat light, but the last thing they needed right now was flying projectiles to startle Lance. And given the way Pidge was holding a ladle and eyeing the gamibolap Keith had just set down he had a feeling where this was going.

Pidge huffed without any actual heat and took a seat opposite Lance while Keith settled himself next to her.

Lance could feel both of their gazes turn to him and without meaning to his dropped back to the table top, landing on the plate Pidge had skidded in his direction and that Hunk had more nicely placed. His own face, distorted by the rim but still showing that sad, gaunt figure the mirror had, looked back at him. A reminder of what he was and all that he would be if kept on like this.

Pidge and Keith were his friends, his family. He didn't have to be scared to look at them. Not like the reflection of himself.

And so he forced his face upright. There was nothing to fear as Pidge grinned at him and Keith nodded his head with a soft, hesitant smile.

"All right, dinner is served," Coran announced, coming over and bearing another large pot that had the spicy scent. "Princess, if you'd like to join us so I can go over the menu?"

"I'm here, I'm here," Allura said, hurrying over and taking a seat next to Keith, the mice riding on her shoulders and a large bowl of food go in her hands that she set on the table. "Someone was being a little greedy on the food goo dispension." Platt squeaked without a hint of remorse, already scrambling down Allura's arm for the bowl.

"In our first pot we've got my grandmama's special gamibolap recipe," Coran said, stroking his moustache with pride. "Quite delicious, as Number Two and Lance can attest."

"It's like fried plantains with sugar," Hunk clarified as he saw Pidge eye it warily. "It's actually really good."

"And the second is something of mine and Number Four's design," Coran said, removing the lid and letting the smell waft. "Number Four, if you'd do the honors?"

Lance felt his nose tickling appreciatively even though his stomach gave a little pulse that said it wasn't sure if eating something that smelled spicy was a good plan.

"It's… sort of like chili," Keith said. "I think. Well, I tried. I'm not really very good at cooking like Hunk and—"

"It smells great, Keith," Shiro cut in and Keith ducked his head, embarrassed. "And I'm sure it tastes even better."

Everyone set about ladling the different concoctions onto plates and into bowls, although Lance was not surprised when Hunk only served him the lavender colored gamibolap. He hoped maybe, if his stomach was feeling up to and there were indeed leftovers of the space chili he could try some. He'd had no idea Keith could cook and found himself shooting a side glance at the other boy, who was tentatively poking at the gamibolap with a fork.

The table was quiet for the first moment as everyone settled in and Lance resisted the urge to hunch back over at the lack of sound, as he was no doubt the cause of it. He hated that. He wanted to burst into some funny story or observation — like how Pidge was frantically trying to keep the chili from running across the plate to her gamibolap because she couldn't seem to decide which to try first — but his tongue felt like it was tied in knots and the words were stuck in his throat.

It was finally broken when Allura let out a soft cry of surprise and nearly leaped back from the table, fanning at her mouth. "What is in this?" she asked. "It's so hot!"

"It's a kapibob root," Coran said, his moustache curling with delight at the taste. "Number Four said they are very similar to chili peppers on Earth, although this is a more mild flavor, yes?"

Keith nodded, slurping up a mouthful.

"Humans eat something even more than this?" Allura looked faint, still fanning at her mouth.

"It's a little hot for me too," Shiro said with a rueful grin, taking a large gulp of water and Allura copied him, looking relieved. "But it is really good."

"It's delicious, Keith," Hunk said, taking a second helping.

The dark haired boy blushed a light pink under the praise. Purple eyes turned to Lance and offered up a tentative smile. "I put some in the fridge for you. For later. If you want to try it."

Lance felt something warm fill his chest and he met Keith's gaze. "Thank you," he said softly. "I'd like that."

Conversation started up then, small little pockets of Hunk to Shiro and Pidge about some type of capacitor that Pidge was insisting the transport shuttle needed while Keith and Allura had a surprisingly animated discussion about what was considered 'hot' by Altean standards and Coran chimed in with examples.

It was… nice. Without all of the attention laser-focused on him, Lance was able to attempt eating at his own pace without feeling pressured to do so. He'd had to push the hoodie sleeve slightly back so he could actually hold the spoon properly, but now he had a scoop of gamibolap and was just trying to convince himself to actually eat it.

His stomach gave another painful twinge and spurred him into lifting the spoon. He'd done this once already before and he knew he could do it again.

The first bite had him near closing his eyes with pleasure, the warmth and taste delightfully tickling his tongue. He swallowed it down quickly, relief thrumming through him when there was no backlash to the action.

He took a second bite and then another, stomach grumbling appreciatively. He hoped he could keep this attempt down. He was so hungry and eating anything at all seemed to only make it worse. Before he knew it his spoon was scraping against the plate and a small frown pursed his lips that it was gone.

"How's your stomach feeling?" Hunk asked quietly, having been keeping an eye on Lance throughout his conversation.

"Hungry," Lance admitted just as quietly. A part of him just wanted to grab the pot of food and eat and eat and eat, but the other part told him that he needed to let Hunk and Coran make those decisions. He forced himself to listen to that part because otherwise he knew he'd likely just make himself sick.

"How about a little more?" Hunk suggested. "We'll let your stomach settle then and try again in the morning."

Lance nodded and tried not to inhale the small amount Hunk dished back onto his plate despite how much he wanted to to ease the ache in his stomach.

As he forced himself to eat slowly — only four spoonfuls, he had to savor them — he tuned back into the conversations happening around him. Pidge and Shiro had swapped seats somewhere so she could more easily speak with Hunk as they delved deeper into their earlier discussion and Shiro had begun to look a little lost.

Coran was talking now rather animatedly now and Lance cocked an ear, hoping it was some funny anecdote about the castle or one of Coran's stories and tales. They never failed to make him smile and — he winced at the thought. Well, he amended, they made him feel better.

"-are so many different kinds in the universe, but that particular quintessence bond is the most powerful that I myself have—"

Lance though had stopped listening, the rest of Coran's words fading into the background as his heart thumped loudly.

Quintessence?

Your quintessence shines so brightly, he heard Haggar practically purr and he could almost feel an icy pair of lips press against his forehead. He dropped the spoon with a clatter.

"Lance?" he heard Hunk ask, but his voice sounded so far away, lost to the sound of crashing waves and spattered raindrops.

That's right. Haggar had said something about quintessence. His quintessence. She had wanted it. He had been… His heart raced faster. He had been her prize. That's what she called him.

But why? What was special about his quintessence?

It is strong, came Haggar's voice, a cool hand caressing his face. And I desire it.

He knew he'd seen it now, in whatever that dark intangible place had been. It had been the blue light that had pulsed with life and laughter and love that had exuded warmth and protection and made the otherwise black world bearable.

He remembered Haggar trying to take it, feeling its damaged self being pulled away and he had fought back then, desperate, some part of himself that he didn't understand knowing that he could not lose it to her.

But he'd forgotten about that. Because as soon as he had found that strength to fight back it had been wrenched from him again when he thought his team come and gone and taken the fake Lance with them and he realized he had doomed the entire universe.

Now though the word was echoing about his mind with a sick possessiveness and for the first time he wondered what, exactly, Haggar had wanted with his quintessence. With him.

He felt sick, nauseated for a reason he couldn't explain and he swallowed thickly to try and quell it.

"Lance, lad," Coran's voice sounded near and a warm hand, Hunk, pressed against his shoulder, grounding him once more in this reality and the nausea slipped away even more. Still though. He had to know.

What had Haggar truly wanted with him?

"Quintessence?" he repeated, the word heavy on his tongue as he picked his head up to meet Coran's jewel-bright eyes.

Coran gave a small nod, looking strangely guilty. "Yes, lad. We were discussing it just now."

That had been the angle they'd chosen to take after all. Lightly bring up the topic and see if Lance showed any interest in it, as if their hunch was correct he had likely heard the word used at least once during his captivity.

So under the guise of Shiro asking Coran and Allura about how the Lions functioned and chose a Paladin, they had slowly drifted their conversation to include the word several times. It hadn't been going over too well as Lance appeared to be instead listening more to the technical jargon Pidge and Hunk were exchanging and concentrating on eating.

They had decided to give it just another minute and then go for a different tactic later when Keith, who had been given the role of keeping an unassuming eye on Lance and where his attention lie, had kicked Shiro under the table when Lance and Hunk had spoken for a moment. That would be their best chance as Lance had come out of his near trance-like eating state.

Shiro had tapped his hand on the table to signify they may have an audience and Coran had gone back to the top of his semi-prepared spiel with the hope they might peak Lance's interest.

They had not expected the reaction they received. The vacant expression that took up residence in Lance's eyes, the too quick breaths and the way he had flinched back in his chair as though preparing to be struck.

Although, Coran had thought as his stomach dropped, it certainly answered their question. Haggar most definitely indeed had wanted Lance's quintessence.

Lance swallowed again, practically shivering in Hunk's light hold.

"W-what… about it?" Lance managed after a moment.

"Quintessence is a very complicated subject," Coran said, trying to keep his voice light. "Does it hold an interest to you?"

"I don't know," Lance whispered. "I just…"

He could feel it now, now that he was aware of it. It was the jagged blackness he had tried to describe to Hunk, mixed with the light and love that he realized now was not just from his friends but his own actual being.

That broken, twisted dark thing was inside him. It was him.

He felt his stomach roll again and it took all he had to keep it down, exertion leaving him weak and gasping. He could feel all of their eyes on him, concern practically vibrating off them, but it only made him feel more pathetic.

"That's enough," Shiro said, voice firm but concerned and looking rather uncomfortable. "Not now."

But Lance shook his head. There was something there, something they weren't telling him.

Something they were hiding.

A new tremble took hold of him as he considered the possibility, thoughts tinged with Haggar's whispers. Because if they were hiding something from him how could he trust them? Were they lying to him as well? Was all of this still one big lie and waking dream mixed with a nightmare?

No, he tried to calm himself, that wasn't right. He'd felt Blue, talked to Blue. She was real. Everything here was real.

But so then why…? Why did Shiro and Coran look guilty? Why did they want to know if he knew about quintessence?

What did they want with his quintessence? It wasn't like they could really use it, not like Haggar could—

His lungs seized and he couldn't draw a breath as dread filled him, pieces beginning to click into place. He heard Haggar chuckle over the sound of Hunk yelling. You are so much brighter than they give you credit for she laughed in his ear and long fingers trailed down his face. It's what I love about you. Another soft laugh. You are mine.

No. No. No.

She couldn't be. She couldn't… he was safe. He was here and she was not and he was safe.

But he wasn't. Not really. Because she was coming. For him. For his quintessence.

My Lance he heard her whisper, fingers ghosting through his hair. I've become so fond of you.The hand tightened painfully and he managed a choked gasp although still no air came to him, black spots dancing across sightless eyes as he was lost in the horror he'd uncovered. I can't bear to give you up.

Hands were on his back then and another tipping up his chin and he flinched back, soft keen somehow escaping. No. Please no. She couldn't be here yet. She couldn't—

The scent of cinnamon suddenly filled him and he choked on the smell, the action releasing the hold on his throat. And then he was gasping and coughing and large warm hands were rubbing his back while another pair were holding his shoulders and voices were talking in low murmurs. Hunk and Coran.

"Estoy b-bien," he managed to say, feeling shame burn his cheeks that he'd lost it. Again.

"Take another deep inhale for me, lad," Coran instructed and Lance hastened to follow the instruction, keeping his eyes tightly closed against the onslaught of concern. "And again, please."

His trembling began to cease and the fist around his lungs had released enough to where he could draw breath. But the horror, the fear, was still fresh and it kept trying to suffocate him despite Coran's efforts.

"She's coming," he whispered, looking up to meet Coran's eyes, hovering above his own. "Isn't she?"

He wanted Coran to deny it, to laugh it off. He didn't want it to be true. But the Altean's face was sorrowful and the earlier guilt had been replaced with resignation.

"Yes, lad," he whispered back. "We think she is."

"For m-me?" He swallowed. "For my quintessence?"

Coran's gaze shifted over and Shiro shifted forward to crouch by Coran so his face was near level with Lance's, who was still sitting in the chair and only remaining upright thanks to Hunk's hands.

"We think so, buddy," Shiro said gently. "We were just trying to find out more information, but we messed up and made you uncomfortable. We can talk about it later, all right?"

Lance shook his head again, but without the sick feeling from earlier. He had been right. They were hiding something, but it hadn't been malicious in intent. They were trying to protect him. And really, what right did he have to be upset that they weren't telling him everything? He was hiding the biggest secret of them all and his stomach clenched painfully at the thought.

"No," he whispered. "She's…" and he couldn't even say her name aloud still. Coward.

If she came for him and she hurt them… he shuddered. He would be solely responsible. It would be his fault they got hurt or… or… he pushed the darker thought away. He was the one summoning her to them and he knew enough now that the team would not offer him up to save their own skins. They would fight and protect him until — he cut the thought off again.

He couldn't let them get hurt. Not for him. So if there was anything he could say that could help protect them he had to do it. Even if that meant talking about Haggar. About… about things. Not everything. Not yet.

Small steps, Blue had said. This was probably larger than she'd been expecting, but this was what his team, his family, needed from him right now. His gaze met Shiro's, warm and compassionate but still so worried, and drifted about the room to where everyone had gathered in around him, all looking the same.

He could do this. He had to do this because if anything happened to them because of him he would never forgive himself. This was for them. So they could prepare for her when she came.

"What…" he took a deep breath, steadying himself. "What do you want to know?"

xxx

Author's Notes:

Umm, everything? xD

Lots happening this chapter. A little fluff for y'all and some good Hunk introspection (Hunk had his on Lance, seems fair to return the favor), Keith in the kitchen (I was so pleased so many of you liked that little bit!), some hard-hitting stuff right in the feels and now our first potential look of getting everyone on the same page. Haggar's still not here yet (gracias a Dios) but we haven't forgotten about her, promise! #HaggarisComing

There was some heavier stuff happening in this chapter but I really want to pull out Lance and Hunk's conversation about the ability to smile. I have had so, so many of you via comments or PMs tell me how much you relate to Lance in this fic. Believe me, I do too. And I just want to dedicate this little section to y'all with two notes: 1; I hope you all have a Hunk in your life to support you and 2; It's okay if you don't feel happy all the time. We all go through periods like that and self-doubt and wonder what the heck we're doing, so just know that you're not alone and we're all rooting for you.

Contest results! Thanks to everyone for participating. We had some really amazing guesses including three in my top five; Christmas Shoes (I tear up every time omg), Mary Did You Know? (Clay Aiken version for the win) and Carol of the Bells (TSO hands down), but we did not get my favorite. That would be 2000 Decembers ago, most commonly sung by Joy Williams. Love it! BUT even though no one gets a chosen one-shot I did write another one called Detonate full of (what else?) Langst and whump. Check it out if you'd like and drop a comment if you enjoyed it! :)

Hugs to the lovely reviewers: WindGemini, hobbes101, wingedflower, dragoscilvio, Wolf of the Demise, migrane, Noel, Jennyfish26, Oliviadbell, Guest, Subtle Shenanigans, StrawberryFever3, yazbk2988, Shadow Gray, KittyKatt Uzumaki, LishaChan, Fir3danc3r, WhiteTails, PlayWithFire18, Eeveecat1248, Nellie Bachesneg, Adrianna Agray, rwbygirl, Justanangryfangirl, Alexa, Tony WildRiver, geekyglamour413, imagine forevermore, Pfeh, Rachhecht, TheTheoryofFangirling, JustADamFrenchFry, momoluvr11, Berrybanana05, Lasagna, and PaintedWings45!

And guys? It's my birthday :D (well, it's tomorrow, but shh). I'm spending one more year clinging to my twenties. Reviews make amazing presents so if you've got a tick please do drop one below. I'd love to hear your favorite scene or moment or dialogue or what have you. Thanks everyone!