x

As Color Fades Away

Chapter Forty-Six

"Before we begin any such discussion," Coran interjected into the stunned silence of the kitchen, "perhaps we should move somewhere more comfortable?"

It was a good suggestion. As they were now they had near boxed Lance in between the kitchen table and the chair he was sitting on and they were all looming (save Pidge, who was at Lance's height at the moment) over.

"The lounge?" Hunk suggested. He gave Lance's shoulders a gentle squeeze. "That all right with you, Lance?"

He received the barest of nods in return, as Lance was beginning to look a little green again and had his lips firmly pressed together. Hunk knew what a big step this was, to be willing to talk about anything that had happened. He hoped the rest of the team could keep it to just this topic for now, unless Lance wanted to share more.

He had a feeling this was going to be hard enough already. For all of them.

They made a quiet procession down to the lounge, a mess of unwashed dinner dishes left behind. Lance had accepted another ride from Hunk and the larger boy could feel Lance trembling the entire walk, but he did not once ask to go back to his room or take back his offer. Hunk's heart swelled with pride at how brave Lance was being, while his stomach knotted in anticipation.

Upon reaching the room, Hunk gently lowered Lance to the three-person sofa, letting Lance box himself into one of the corners and he sat next to him. Pidge took Hunk's other side, small hands seeking out one of Hunk's own.

While Allura pulled over a second smaller couch with ease for herself and Keith across from them, Shiro took a chair by Pidge and Coran settled himself on one of the couch's ottomans just to the right of Lance.

Lance had pulled Flafie out of his hoodie pocket during all of the furniture arranging and had his gaze firmly fixed on the plush, his left hand smoothing the large ears over and over again. It was soothing, the soft down against his fingers and he concentrated solely on that and Hunk's arm wrapped very carefully about his back to lightly grip his right shoulder, warm and steady.

He didn't know where to start. He wasn't even sure he had anything useful to say. He didn't know, after all, why Haggar wanted his quintessence. He just knew she wanted it. That wasn't very helpful. Something tickled at the back of his mind, a why, but it wasn't coming yet and he was almost scared to find out.

"How about," Shiro said, breaking the beginning to grow awkward silence, "we share what we know and you can fill in any holes we're missing, okay?"

That seemed fair and Lance nodded although he kept his eyes fixed on the plush.

"Coran?" Allura said, "perhaps a quick explanation of quintessence for Lance?"

"Righty-o," the advisor said, turning a gentle gaze to Lance. "The quickest explanation is as follows, some of which you may already know but a little refresher for us all. All living beings contain quintessence in them. It is our life force, if you will. However, some beings are capable of housing powerful quintessence within themselves, like those chosen as Paladins of Voltron. Are you following so far, lad?"

Lance nodded. So far this made sense from what he knew.

"The quintessence you and the other Paladins carry is something truly great and special," Coran continued. "Your quintessence must be compatible with the Lions of Voltron and given each Lion's unique properties and preferences, the quintessence that a Paladin has is very rare indeed. Yours, Lance," and Coran's voice turned more solemn, "you possess the quintessence of the Blue Lion. Do you know what this means?"

Lance shook his head, feeling something cold settle in his stomach. Because this had to be what Haggar had wanted.

Allura's voice sounded then, clear and regal, as though reciting from memory. "The Blue Lion favors a pilot who is able to have fun and think on their feet. She looks for someone who has a big heart and has the capacity to care about everyone. She seeks someone who is loyal and trustworthy and always puts others first. That is the nature of the Blue quintessence."

Lance had found his head drifting up, the cold melting away at the warmth of Allura's words. His own ocean gaze caught here jeweled one and she smiled softly at him.

"That is you, Lance. And in all of our history I have never met someone who embodies the Blue Lion's quintessence the way you do."

"She speaks truly, lad," Coran said, and one of his hands descended lightly on Lance's knee. "I too have never seen a bond like you and the Blue Lion share, nor have I met someone with your compassion and desire to protect and help others. Your quintessence is beyond measure, Lance."

Lance felt his cheeks flushing at the observation and he ducked his head back down, still not sure what to make of it. Caring about people didn't make him all that special, did it? The others all cared too. It's why they were the Defenders of the Universe.

But still… they all apparently thought it was a big deal. And Blue, she thought so too. She was all of those things that Allura had said herself, and she had picked him, him, to pilot her. The warmth blossomed even more.

"However," and Coran sounded serious again, "we believe that is what Haggar is after. Your quintessence, Lance… it is powerful. It is in incredible force. All quintessence is; that is why we have seen the Druids harvesting it from planets and containing it for their own use. But that is quintessence of ordinary creatures. Yours… yours is something extraordinary. Because of the nature of your quintessence, its compassion and protection, it would only continue to grow even more powerful if you were using it to protect and save others." He gave Lance a sad, sorrowful smile. "Both traits of which I am certain you utilized while a prisoner of Galra."

And there was something knowing in Coran's eyes and Lance shivered. He wasn't ready to talk about that yet. About what they'd done. About what he'd done.

So instead he focused on the first part. "How?" Lance whispered, voice tight. "How would she…?" He swallowed. "Harvest it? All those planets… they… they die."

Because they had seen the devastation the Druids spread across the universe. Husks of planets, corpses of people. They had been drained of their quintessence, their life force. And Haggar hadn't wanted him dead. At least… he didn't think she had. Theodek though. He couldn't suppress the shiver that time and Hunk's arm tightened about him in comfort.

Coran looked pained then and he could feel Pidge and Hunk shifting uncomfortably.

"Quintessence can be taken two ways," Coran said, his eyes steady on Lance and Lance found he could not look away. "Forcefully through the physical body, which is what you have witnessed. Or forcefully through the mind, leaving the body intact and with the ability to create more quintessence, if it was capable of doing so. Which," Coran's voice lowered again, "we believe yours would do."

Lance blanched and flinched back into the couch, mind churning.

It all made sense. It made horrible, horrible sense. She hadn't been trying to break him down so he'd release information on the Paladins. She had been trying to break him so she could have access to his mind. To take his quintessence. Over and over and over again.

And she had.

She'd broken him, there in the mindscape with her words of hopelessness and poison.

He had fallen into her hands, into the blackness.

Dios, she had almost taken his quintessence.

And he had almost let her.

And… and… she would have hurt them. It was coming back now.

"Lance?" he heard Hunk say and the hand moved from his shoulder to his back.

"She… she…" he choked out, feeling sick with horror as the tickle on his mind morphed into something harder, something painful in its intensity. "Dios, I…"

You will be our new weapon, he heard her whisper, nails digging into his cheek. Your power alongside mine… we will bring down the Paladins.

"I…" he tried again, trying to ignore Haggar's ghosting words. "I…"

"Lance, it's okay, estás bien," Hunk comforted. "Just breathe, hermano, it's okay. You're safe. It's okay."

"Oh, Dios," he whimpered, trying desperately not to be sick again. "She…" She had wanted to use him as a weapon. To hurt his family. She had planned to… to… feed off of his quintessence and he had been about to let her.

She would have hurt them. Killed them with his quintessence.

And he had almost let her. He'd given up the fight and surrendered and even a varga longer and she'd likely have had his quintessence and he would have his family's blood on his hands.

He choked back acid bile.

"Lance, it's okay," Shiro was there then, his presence hovering but not touching but still managing to project safety. "It's all right. Just breathe for us now, okay? Concentrate on that."

"In and out," Hunk coached. "Come on, nice deep inhale with me."

Lance wasn't sure how much time passed as he gasped out breaths alongside Hunk, trying to concentrate only on the way his chest expanded and contracted and the warmth of Hunk and Coran's hands that grounded him from the cold of his memories and Haggar's touch.

But finally he had enough of a grasp on himself again, stomach still churning but the sick terror no longer overwhelming.

"'m sorry," he managed once he was certain he wasn't going to puke.

"None of that," Coran chided gently. "There is nothing to apologize for, lad. We can stop here."

And Coran was wrong. He was so, so wrong. He had everything to apologize for and even that would never be enough. He had almost as sure as killed them with his surrender.

So he had to make this right. Somehow. And that meant telling them… telling them at least about what Haggar wanted his quintessence for. He could manage that at the very least.

"No, no, I'm okay," he finally whispered although he couldn't meet anyone's eyes again, fresh shame burning his heart.

Coran hummed an acknowledgement but said, "We can stop at any time, Lance. Just say the word."

Lance nodded and sank more against Hunk, trying to draw strength from him. He could do this. It was over now. For now. At least until Haggar came back.

Could he fight her again? He'd pushed her away in his mindscape before after she had nearly won. That had to count for something. And now that his family was here with him and he had something to protect again, something to stand for and give him courage, he felt that maybe, maybe he could do it. He could push her back from his mind and his quintessence.

Unless of course… More of her dark words came to him then, her threat that she would take it from him by whatever means necessary. Perhaps she did not want to kill him, but if that was the only way then… then she would.

And he would die. And she'd have his quintessence in some form. And then she'd hurt his family with it.

But if he could find the courage to speak and tell them what he knew, maybe, maybe they could prepare. Maybe there would be a way to fight Haggar off. Something that he wasn't seeing to stop her.

Or, his mind whispered, there was a way to make certain she didn't ever take it. His wrists throbbed and he gripped the plush tighter in an effort to not make a grab at his forearms. It would be easy. This time he just had to make sure to finish the job. Then, and only then, could he guarantee their safety.

He shook his head, trying to rid it of the dark despair. No. Not again. He had to believe they would find a way that didn't… that didn't involve that. He wasn't alone now. Wasn't so hopeless and in so much pain that that was his only answer. He was with his family and they were here to help, just like they'd all said. He believed in them. They would find a way.

And that meant he had to tell them.

"Ha—," and his voice stalled on the word. Pathetic he heard her hiss. "She," he enunciated instead and Hunk's arm tightened about him, "tried to take it. From me."

He looked up then, afraid he'd find disappointment but all he found was concern and Shiro gave him an encouraging nod, still kneeling just a pace away.

"Through your mind?" Coran inquired gently.

Lance nodded. "She…" he put a hand against his head. "We… we were in my… my mind. And my quintessence… it was there.

"It was dark," he continued. "I… I couldn't really feel anything, but… I could? I don't know how to explain it."

"The Astral Plane," Coran said knowingly.

"The Astral Plane?" Shiro repeated, turning to look at the advisor.

"Yes. It's both a physical and metaphysical world where we exist and yet do not. When you form Voltron and feel each other through the mind link you are accessing a small part of it as your quintessence melds." Coran looked to Lance. "You were there, lad?"

"Yes. And… I think she was too. My quintessence... It was there too. This blue light. I… I thought it was Blue," he said, voice dropping.

"It is certainly very similar," Coran smiled softly. "I could see why you would come to that conclusion."

"She grabbed it," Lance continued quietly. "And I grabbed it back. Somehow." He winced. "It hurt."

"Hurt?" Coran repeated. "Your quintessence hurt you?"

"I guess?" Lance's knuckles whitened around the toy as he recalled the sharp pain he'd felt when he'd tried. "It… it wasn't all blue. It was black too. I think that part is what hurt me. The blue… the blue felt nice." Like a blanket of comfort that had given him the strength to even try.

Coran's lips thinned and he felt Allura's inquiring gaze fall on him for an explanation.

"This black you saw," Coran said carefully. "Was it a light like the quintessence?" His fears were confirmed when Lance shook his head.

"Is that bad?" Lance barely whispered, fear filling his eyes as he looked to Coran.

"It is a wound," Coran said softly. "Your quintessence was wounded."

"How is that even possible?" Pidge interjected.

"Quintessence, while not physical, still has form," Coran said. "A spiritual one, if you will." His gaze softened as he met Lance's frightened one. "You were hurt," he said and after a second Lance gave the barest of nods, both knowing that it was not so simple.

"Can it be fixed?" Because Lance knew it was still broken and twisted inside him. That was why he couldn't smile. Couldn't laugh.

Couldn't be happy.

Because his quintessence, his being, that was all love and laughter and compassion was damaged. And despite what they thought of Haggar, he knew who had dealt it the near fatal blow. His wrists throbbed again.

"Of course, lad," Coran said firmly and Lance felt the knot in his stomach release the tiniest bit. "It will take time, but all quintessence can be healed."

"Why didn't the pod fix it then?" Keith asked, glancing between Coran and Lance's slightly trembling form. "If it was injured?"

"The cryo pods are remarkable, but they can only heal physical wounds," Coran explained. "Both quintessence depletion and injury can only be healed through time and care. I would recommend extra sleep for now, Lance, to help that process along. Your body needs the rest just as much too."

"Okay," Lance whispered. He certainly felt tired enough but he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to sleep. That was for later though. Right now he needed to focus on this discussion and help however he could.

"You said you grabbed onto your quintessence," Shiro said, directing the conversation back as well. "What happened then?"

"Light," Lance said after a moment. "There was this light and then… then I woke up." Sort of. Because was waking up in a mindscape really waking up?

It was on the tip of his tongue to say as such but he swallowed it back. Because if he mentioned the mindscape then he was opening himself up for even more questions that then led to answers he couldn't think about right now.

Not yet. Small steps. Just focus on the quintessence.

"And did the witch take any?" Coran asked.

"I don't know," Lance replied, voice small. "She was," his eyes closed, "…angry." Remembered agony swept through him in a burst of purple light as Haggar hissed You will surrender to me but he also remembered the surge of warmth and strength he had wielded, throwing her back from him. He had done that. "I… I told her no though. She couldn't have it," and he sounded stronger than too, reopening his eyes.

"That was very brave of you," Shiro said, charcoal eyes warm and Lance felt his cheeks heat. "It sounds like you fought her off."

He gave a jerky nod. Yes. Yes he had.

"And after that," Coran said, "did she say or do anything regarding your quintessence?"

Lance gave another nod. "She said… she said she wanted it. She was going to…" The next part came out just above a whisper. "A weapon. She said she was going to use it as a weapon. To… to hurt you."

"Oh, Lance," Hunk murmured, pulling Lance tighter against him and Lance accepted the half-hug, pressing his face against Hunk's arm.

"Can she do that?" Pidge whispered, aghast. Coran had said quintessence could be used to give Zarkon or Haggar power, but as an actual weapon?

"She could," Coran said. "Whether she used it to power one of her creations or absorbed it into herself for an even more powerful magical attack… she can turn any quintessence into a weapon. And given the strength of Lance's as well as its connection to the Blue Lion… any hit sustained with it would be devastating on not just a physical level but an attack on your own quintessence."

"But you stopped her," Keith said, directing his comment to Lance. "You fought back." And he knew firsthand how both terrifying and difficult that was and he had only faced physical attacks from the Druid. For Lance to have found the strength after days of imprisonment and torture… He felt the familiar pulse of guilt and shame that he'd ever once thought of Lance as the weak link of the team.

Lance gave the barest of inclinations. Because yes, he had fought her then. But not later. And if it hadn't been for his team's arrival then it would have all been over. Haggar would have gotten everything she'd wanted and Team Voltron would have nothing.

It had been so close. Too close. He couldn't suppress the shiver then but leaned further into Hunk to try and quell it.

"There's… there's more," Lance murmured. "She said later that if she had to she'd… she'd take it by force."

"Force?" Pidge repeated, looking at Coran. "Does that mean…?"

The advisor shuddered out a sigh as their earlier kitchen conversation came up. "Yes, Number Five. Force would imply the first option of removing quintessence through the body. Which is fatal for the subject."

Fatal. It seemed to echo in the silence of the room.

"We won't let her," Hunk said firmly, and Lance felt a warmth wash over him at the declaration. He had been right. He didn't need to do this alone.

"Most certainly not," Coran said. "However this does bring up some questions."

"We're not doing it," Keith interjected sharply, sensing where this new discussion was headed.

"Keith, we talked about this," Shiro said, voice even. "It's not up to us."

"I'm still with Keith," Hunk said, grip tightening on Lance. "It's too dangerous."

"It?" Lance voiced quietly, feeling an uncomfortable churning in his stomach again. They were talking once more about something he was in the dark about and it was about him.

"We found a way to contain your quintessence," Pidge blurted out, kneeling and leaning around Hunk so she could look more fully at Lance.

"Contain it?" Lance repeated quietly, the uneasy feeling not fading. Contain it for what? To use as a weapon as well?

"With a barrier," Pidge clarified quickly. "It would theoretically prevent your quintessence from being taken by Haggar so she can't use it."

Lance's eyes widened. That… that sounded perfect. It solved everything. But if that were the case why had Keith and Hunk not seemed to like it?

"We don't know if it'll affect your ability to form Voltron," Keith said, fixing his intense gaze on Lance, who was surprised to see a hint of fear beneath the fire. Fear for him? "Or connect with Blue. It's untested."

Oh. Oh. His heart clenched and he felt a sharp stab of sudden loss at even the idea. His face must have projected something because Keith gestured at him with a "See?" and Hunk's arm tightened even more protectively about his shoulders.

"If I may," Allura cut in with a tone that demanded silence and she received it. "Thank you. Lance," she turned to him, sitting forward on the couch and her jewel-bright eyes too much and he turned his head down, feeling sick. Because Allura would be the one to make that decision and enact any type of barrier with her brand of Altean magic. She could cut him off from Blue. And yet…

"Lance," she repeated. "Look at me, please."

He forced his head back up to meet her eyes. "I will not do anything until we are certain whatever measures we take will not harm your bond with the Blue Lion or with Voltron," she said firmly. "It is important to keep Haggar from taking your quintessence, yes, but not at the cost of your well being."

"Thank you," Hunk breathed, relief evident and Keith also let out a sigh, sitting back on the couch from where he'd nearly come off it.

And Lance should have felt relief too. But instead all he felt was fear and Allura's soft smile turned to a worried frown. "What is it?" she asked gently.

"How soon is she coming?" Lance whispered and he felt the uneasy glances around the room.

"We're not sure," Shiro said after a moment. "But Lance, that's not for you to worry about, okay?"

But it was for him to worry about. She was coming after them because of him. They were in danger because of him and his quintessence. If… If he could at least stop her from getting it and using it to hurt them… it was the best he could offer. He would do anything to protect them and if that meant…

Well, he'd already tried to offer his life. How was this any harder? At least this way he'd still be alive, even if he couldn't be a Paladin. That was more than he thought he'd possible just days ago.

And Blue… he swallowed thickly. She'd understand. She knew how strong his desire was to protect their family because she felt the same way. Besides, it wasn't a guarantee that it would block their bond. It could still work.

And if it didn't… well… at least he knew his family would be safe. Or as safe as they could be given the circumstances that he had put them in. This was for the best.

"Lance, no," Hunk said, desperation clear in his voice as he saw an all too familiar resolution enter deep ocean eyes.

"I have to," he whispered. "I can't… I can't let her hurt you."

"And you think we're just going to let you hurt yourself instead?" Keith retorted, nearly vibrating off the seat. "Were you even listening to us?"

"I can't let her," Lance repeated. "I can't. It's my fault-"

"Now stop that thought right there, lad," Coran interrupted, normally genteel eyes flashing. "What you suffered through was through no fault of your own." His voice softened even as his hand tightened on Lance's knee although not uncomfortably. "And I will not having you thinking in such a manner."

"Coran is right," Shiro said, voice brooking no argument although his face was kind. "Lance, we would never ask you nor want you to hurt yourself to protect us," - Lance flinched ever so slightly at Shiro's words Hunk and Coran exchanged a concerned, worried glance over the dark head - "and we will not be making any rash decisions regarding your quintessence and bond with Blue."

"But," he whispered, "If she…"

"The Castle's defenses are on high alert," Allura said, resisting the urge to place her own hand atop Lance's clenched ones to soothe the tension, "and no one, Druid or Galran or even Zarkon himself will be boarding. And should the need arise we are more than prepared to fight the witch ourselves.

"Besides," Allura continued, nostrils flaring, "I must be the one to enact the barrier and right now I refuse to do so. Not when it poses a chance of harm."

"I… I agree with all of them," Pidge said, voice small. She looked earnestly at Lance, honey eyes shining. "I'm sorry, Lance. I thought… I thought it was a good idea, but not if it… if it cuts you off from Blue."

She pressed a trembling hand against her heart. "If I lost Green it'd… it'd be like losing a part of myself. I can't let you do that. We'll find a different way until we know for sure that it'll work."

"Pidge," he whispered, feeling something lodge in his throat.

"It is sound in theory," Coran said, "but the risks are too great as they stand right now." His eyes met Lance's, nearly burning with intensity. "I know you want to protect us lad, but please," and Coran's voice broke, "let us this time protect you."

Tears came unbidden then and Lance hurriedly tried to blink them back at the absolute heartbreak in both Coran and Pidge's voices.

"Okay," he agreed quietly and he could feel the tension drain from both Hunk and Coran through their touching limbs. He allowed himself to feel that same relief now too, the heartache that he might lose Blue shrinking until it disappeared and the sick feeling mostly disappearing from his stomach.

Because they were still in danger because of him. That had not changed.

"Everything is going to be all right," Shiro reassured, as if reading his mind. And who was he to doubt Shiro? Shiro had never failed them, not even when the odds were stacked high. He said he trusted them so now it was time to actually do so. "Besides," Shiro continued, voice hardening, "they come after one of us, they come after all of us. We're in this together."

"Couldn't have said it better myself, Number One," Coran agreed. "And with that, I think it is time we put this conversation to bed. Along with a number of Paladins."

Lance wanted to protest he wasn't tired. He'd been in a pod and then sleeping in his bed and then sleeping in Blue, but his body ached with exhaustion and if it hadn't been for how tense that conversation had been he may have fallen asleep, as comfortable as he was on the couch and pressed up against Hunk's warm body.

But he didn't want to sleep. So far both instances had been relatively dream free, surrounded as he was with Blue's quintessence and Hunk's steady, warm presence that had soothed away the worst nightmares before they could really go anywhere. Now though, he'd insisted on returning to his own room where there was only space on his bed really for one. Hunk had squeezed on before during really bad nights and Lance knew he would again in a heartbeat, but he was scared that in his dreams Hunk's arms and hands would turn into the monsters and he didn't want to hurt Hunk when he would no doubt shrink away.

"That sounds like an excellent idea," Allura said. "It has been a long day for all of us."

Yet no one moved and Lance realized that as tired as they all were no one wanted to actually go to bed.

Shiro let them have about a minute before he clambered to his feet, letting out an ear-splitting yawn that made Pidge giggle and Keith snort and they both removed themselves from their respective seats.

"Lance," Hunk said quietly as Allura rose then too and began to put the couch back while Shiro and Keith moved back the ottomans. "Would you be all right if I bunked with you? On the floor; I can grab my mattress. Only if you don't mind though."

Because Hunk had felt Lance stiffen at the suggestion of sleep and he knew from the long nap earlier that Lance most definitely wasn't going to be having pleasant dreams. Waking up all alone after one of those had to be terrifying and Hunk didn't want Lance to go through that alone. However, he also didn't want Lance to think he thought of him as any form of weak for not wanting to sleep by himself. Personally, Hunk wasn't sure he could sleep on his own right now either.

"Por favor," Lance whispered, word muffled as he pressed his face against Hunk's arm and the Yellow Paladin felt the tense shoulders release.

"Gracias, hermano," he said just as softly, rubbing a hand on Lance's back. "Let's get going then, hm? Before we both fall asleep on the couch."

Lance gave a mumble to that and Hunk smiled. "All right, up we go then. Is it all right if I just carry you? We'll give walking a try tomorrow when you're more awake."

"'s fine," Lance answered, tucking Flafie back into the convenient hoodie pocket and a few ticks Hunk had pulled Lance into his arms and stood, the long legs dangling over while his hand supported under the knees and the top of Lance's back. He kept away from Lance's head though as his small observations had shown that while Lance might press his forehead particularly against Hunk he still flinched away from any outward movement towards his head.

Lance shifted so he was slightly more comfortable in Hunk's large arms, tucking his head up against Hunk's broad chest so he wasn't quite lying like a limp noodle and could survey the room. The furniture had all been returned to its original setting and everyone was sort of just standing now as if not sure what to do.

"Pleasant dreams, lad," Coran said, breaking it and shooting a warm smile at Lance who wished he could return it but his lips only gave a tiny wobble. "You as well, Number Two. I shall be awake a while longer in the kitchen should you need anything."

"Thanks, Coran," Hunk said. "Good night, everyone."

" We'll see you for breakfast?" Shiro asked.

Hunk looked to Lance who gave a tiny nod and he grinned. "Yup! For 0800-ish."

"We'll get to try out your breakfast muffins," Shiro smiled. At Hunk's look he clarified, "The batter you were mixing earlier. We turned them into…well, we hope breakfast."

"Sounds delicious."

Everyone uttered good nights then, Allura volunteering to accompany Coran to clean up the kitchen as she planned to be up for a while longer as well. Keith had bade them both a good night and slipped from the room as silently as a ghost. Shiro gave Lance and Hunk's shoulders a gentle squeeze and then went off after Keith.

Pidge had remained quiet the entire time, only really making a noise when Shiro had ruffled her hair in parting, and she sent an anxious look to Hunk and Lance after the room had cleared.

It was silly, but she couldn't help it. She had been bunking with Hunk for the first few nights and then having large group sleepovers the last two. The idea of returning to her own room and sleeping by herself felt… lonely. She didn't like it.

Plus she wanted to see Lance. She missed him. And although this Lance wasn't quite her Lance, not yet, he was still Lance and she wanted to be there for him. She had left earlier so she didn't crowd, but she didn't want to leave now.

She didn't want to be alone.

She was trying to phrase the best way to say as much when Lance beat her to it.

"What's wrong?" he asked, and it was the soft tone he used to use on her when she'd been feeling homesick or thinking too much about her brother. It was tender and care and comfort and concern all rolled into one and it was so Lance that her breath caught in her throat and all she could do was mutely shake her head.

He was there. Just as she'd thought.

"I… ummm…." And she couldn't seem to articulate words, fisting her hands instead and letting the nails bite into her palm.

And while Lance did not quite smile his face seemed to soften. "Hunk is sleeping over," he said carefully. "Do you… want to come too?"

Because Pidge looked upset and Lance knew he was the main cause of that. He wasn't sure if this was entirely a good idea – he did not want to scare her anymore than he already had with his nightmares – but he needed to do this, to open himself back up to others. As he'd told himself, he couldn't hide away in his room with just Hunk because that was as safe as it got right now. This was a good step and he could almost feel Blue's purrs of approval.

"Yes," Pidge breathed, feeling the nerves vanish in an instant. "Yes, please." Her honey eyes met Lance's cool ocean. "Thank you."

"Go get dressed and then come on down to Lance's room," Hunk instructed with a smile. "I'll come grab your mattress then, okay? I think I should be able to get them both to fit on the floor." He pictured Lance's messy floor piled with laundry and blankets, but if he shoved them into the corner he was pretty positive it could work. And Pidge was tiny anyways.

"I'm really proud of you," Hunk said quietly as Pidge scampered away – mentioning something about grabbing her tablet from the kitchen first – and they headed towards the living quarters.

"For what?" Lance murmured back, a hint of bitterness on the words. "Agreeing to a sleep over?" Because just over a week ago Lance would have jumped at the idea; instigating pillow forts and cookies and making up games and ghost stories and turning it into an all out event. He'd have even tried to drag Keith in for some forced bonding time and maybe he would have had fun. But the biggest thing of all was that he and he wouldn't have expected anyone to actually say anything about his idea, least of all that they were proud because it was all rather pathetic.

"Not that," Hunk said arms tightening. "Well, I mean, that too because as small as Pidge is she's still an extra person and I know right now it's probably pretty easy to feel overwhelmed with more people."

Lance allowed himself a small nod. But that was why he had to do this. He wanted to get back to… well, whatever normal was. Not this sad, sorry excuse.

"That's what I'm proud of," Hunk said, looking down and meeting Lance's eyes. "I know you're hurting, Lance. I know you're scared. But you saw past all that and saw that Pidge was hurting too and you made it better. Just like you helped Shiro earlier."

"But I didn't…" he trailed off, not sure what he was trying to say.

"You're amazing," Hunk said and sincerity and warmth filled the words. "You've been through so much and you're still trying to help others. And you're beyond brave, talking about what happened and I know how scary that is, especially since it was about her."

"Hunk," Lance whispered, feeling his cheeks darken. He didn't deserve these kind words.

"And you can talk to me about anything, Lance," and Hunk tried to project all he could into that. "You know I'm here for you. Always." His embrace tightened. "You're my brother. I'll always be here. No matter what."

Lance felt hot tears prick at his eyes as new guilt and shame were rekindled at the thought of the dark secret he hadn't yet divulged. Perhaps… he should tell Hunk. Maybe Coran, who he had the unsettling feeling knew something.

He hadn't wanted to. He wanted to spare Hunk the pain of that secret. But… but maybe he needed to tell someone else.

Small steps. Just like Blue had said.

And if he told Hunk and Coran… well, then it wouldn't be just on Hunk's shoulders. And Coran he felt too would understand. Just like Blue. Coran wouldn't – at least, he hoped – be disappointed in him.

But not now. Not when he still felt so raw from sharing what he already had.

Tomorrow. He gave himself that ultimatum. Sometime tomorrow he would tell them, when his heart didn't quite ache so much and he'd distanced himself from the horror by another night. He'd find the courage tomorrow. He'd live up to their words calling him brave and strong, even if what he was sharing was a weakness.

He was truly so, so lucky to have someone like Hunk. His brother in all but blood and in some ways even closer to Lance than his actual siblings. He nuzzled his face against Hunk's chest, trying to dry the tears in the coarse vest and Hunk's arms somehow embraced him even more from the carry.

"Gracias, Hunk," Lance mumbled, knowing it didn't come close to expressing his gratitude for all that Hunk was to him, but he had to start somewhere.. "Te… te quiero."

"Love you too, hermano," Hunk responded, voice equally choked. "We're going to get through this, okay?"

"Sí," Lance whispered. And just with Blue he felt something loosen in his chest, felt the blackness recede just a little bit from the strength of Hunk's eternal love and belief in him.

And amidst all of the darkness and despair that had taken root inside him he felt a flicker of hope that perhaps, yes, everything was going to turn out all right.

And he was going to be okay.

Author's Notes:

Lance speaks! Well, a little bit at least. We've still got so much to uncover and talk about, but it was a great first step even if it did confirm the rest of the team's biggest fear. Well, at least it's out in the open now so we can fix it without cutting off his bond to Blue. And... sleepover time? :D

For my little Spanish down there at the bottom, "te quiero" is generally the "I love you" used amongst family and close friends while the more recognizable "te amo" is generally reserved for a spouse/lover and is more romantic/sexual in nature (which is hilarious to me because te quiero literally translates to "I want you" and isn't that ironic?).

Also, before this gets buried, I want to apologize to all of you. I've been noticing over the last several weeks a rather steep decline in readership via both comments and views and I believe that the biggest cause traces back to how bloody long this fic has gotten and I am sorry for that. I know it isn't (and hasn't been) full of the action and whump of the first 25ish chapters and I'm not sure most of you signed up for such a long, introspective fic (in my defense I had no idea it was going to go quite this route xD). If you did not and are sitting here twiddling your thumbs and sighing at all of this while waiting for Haggar and Theodek to make an appearance I am sorry for the wait. I wish I could tell you when it is they will be coming, but I do not know. I thought this story would easily be wrapped up in 50 chapters, but it's looking like we're going to be likely hitting at least the 60s before all is said and done. Because, despite the aforementioned fact, I will not be rushing Lance's recovery from what he suffered in the first part of this story; to do so would be unfair to him and to this fic. For those of you who are still here and commenting and enjoying it, thank you. Your comments are what keep me going. So if you are still along on this very, very long journey, please do drop a review now and then (or every chapter, really, no complaints here) with your thoughts and comments. I really do appreciate it.

That said, thank you to the lovely people who did pop in last chapter (and thank you for the birthday wishes as well!): CaptainHuggyface3218, WhiteTails, Guest, Subtle Shenanigans, dragoscilvio, Oliviadbell, StrawberryFever3, Neko Noire, Shadow Gray, wingedflower, LishaChan, Adrianna Agray, Cindy Mack 3, imagine forevermore, Cats and violin, rwbygirl, Wolf of the Demise, Nellie Bachesneg, migrane, Supergurkan, Guest, Eeveecat1248, yazbk2988, Pfeh, JustADamFrenchFry, Jennyfish26, WolfMistwood, Alexa, PaintedWings45 and Lasagna!

Merry Christmas, happy holidays and good cheer to you all!