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As Color Fades Away

Chapter Fifty-One

Lance winced as he moved his arms from where he'd hugged them to his chest, the open wounds pulling off with a dull squelch where they'd near congealed to him. He propped them up on his knees, keeping his head tilted down.

He lowered his eyes further as he heard the harsh intakes of breath and Hunk's arm tightened where it was grasping his left upper arm. He may have come to the conclusion that ultimately they would understand, but that didn't mean it was going to be right away. He blinked back a tear. They were still going to be so disappointed.

"That's a lot of blood," Pidge whispered, voice small, and Lance hated that he'd made her sound like that. He knew it was only going to get worse.

He heard movement to his right and then the dull sound of fabric being ripped and Keith's quiet murmur of "here." A tick later a piece of soaking wet black cloth was being thrust past his arms and onto his chest and he gasped aloud at how cold it was while his heart stuttered at the miss. They still didn't see?

"Sorry, buddy," Shiro apologized, gently rubbing the cloth against the mass of red on his front. "Let's just wipe this off and…" his voice trailed off. Lance knew why. Because there was no wound there, save for the small scar. That wasn't where all of the blood was coming from.

He pushed his arms slightly more forward over his knees, palms up as though surrendering. He supposed faintly that he was, in a way.

"Lance," Hunk murmured next to him and there was something knowing in the tone that made new tears form.

"Here, let me," Coran said and Lance felt more of the ripped shirt touch this time down on his inner arm while Coran's other hand lightly gripped up by his elbow. He hissed in pain but thanks to Coran's hold he couldn't really move his arm back.

Peeking through his lowered bangs, Lance could see as the blood was cleared from his arm to reveal the gaping incision, which pooled immediately again with a thin line of crimson near his wrist.

"What did they do?" Keith sounded horrified and Lance winced. Hunk's grip tightened and Lance shuddered. Coran moved onto his right arm, showing the same injury on top of the grotesque burn scar.

"Some… some type of ritual?" Pidge hazarded and Lance's heart clenched at how despite glaring evidence they still didn't… didn't think that of him. He wished it had been something like that. Some spell or punishment. That would make this so much easier.

But it wasn't that. And he couldn't let them think that. Not if he wanted to truly get better. Hunk seemed to know – and he felt new shame and hurt then but also an unbelievable warmth because Hunk had known and Hunk had still said all those things and been there – and he was pretty certain Coran too knew. They knew. And they still loved him.

It was the small nudge of courage that he needed.

"They…" he spoke, his tongue heavy and eyes down. "They didn't… do this." He swallowed thickly and pushed the last words out, barely a whisper. "I did."

A stunned, horrified silence reigned after he spoke and Lance felt new tears drip down his cheeks. Still though… it was out now and the relief warred equally with the shame. Because he wasn't going to hide it anymore.

He wasn't going to be a coward. Not again.

"What?" Keith was the first to regain his voice and Lance flinched at the undertone of anger. "You did this? To yourself?" Lance gave the barest of nods. "Why?" and the last part came out so broken and desperate that it hurt more than the anger.

Lance just shook his head, keeping his eyes averted.

"Let's all take a deep breath, hmm?" Coran suggested gently and Lance felt his chest hitch even more as the man's hand gave his upper arm the most gentle of squeezes, so tender and soft. "And give Lance a few dobashes."

The room was silent once again as Coran very carefully wrapped more strips of shirt around the wounds and Hunk shifted so that his arms were fully enveloping Lance. Lance hid his face in the broad chest, taking inhales of honeysuckle and engine grease.

Hunk's hands rubbed gentle circles on his back, which only made the tears come harder and he pressed himself even more against Hunk as though he could hide that way even though he knew he couldn't. Not anymore.

"I've got you," Hunk murmured, his words reverberating through Lance. "Te quiero, hermano. No matter what."

Lance nodded, trying to dry his tears against the damp vest. "Gracias, Hunk… yo también te quiero." Hunk gave him a squeeze. "Pienso que... estoy listo ahora."

"Didn't catch that last bit," Hunk admitted. "Lo siento."

"I'm… I'm ready now," Lance mumbled and he could feel Hunk nod.

He pulled himself back to sitting although Hunk's arm remained snuggly over his shoulders and tucked his arms into the divot between his stomach and propped up knees. The wounds were wrapped now although he knew from his previous times here that he wouldn't actually bleed out. Still, he was glad to not have to look at them.

He did need to look at the others though. No more hiding. He forced his chin up, bracing for the worst but at the same time hoping for the best.

And although there was confusion and he could still feel anger radiating off of Keith – but not at him, he didn't think at least – there was otherwise worry and concern. No disgust. No hatred. He swallowed thickly at this near overwhelming love. What had he honestly done to have people like this in his life?

He could almost hear Blue's purr of the opposite, questioning how they had deserved him and it warmed him from the inside out to know just how lucky he was.

"Are you all right, Lance?" Allura asked, having joined the others on the floor at this point, wedged in between Shiro and Coran, and she sounded nothing but concerned. For him. There was no hint of the cruel tone Haggar had adopted for her and Lance felt guilty that he ever could have thought Allura would ever say such a thing.

"I don't know," he said, struggling to keep her bright gaze. "I…I want to be though." And he did. So, so much.

"Us too, buddy," Shiro said, smile warm if slightly pinched with something Lance couldn't quite place. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Not really. But that decision was out of his hands now and he needed to. Want was no longer an option.

"I… I did this," Lance repeated in answer, shifting his arms slightly. "B-because…" Dios, it was so hard to say. Coran gave his knee a rub and Hunk did the same to his shoulder while everyone else remained patiently quiet.

"I…" he swallowed again, starting over. "I tried to kill myself."

And although he'd gathered that they had already come to that conclusion he still winced as he heard Pidge's whimper at the confirmation and Keith and Allura curse.

"Why?" Shiro asked and Dios, he sounded so hurt too. Why did he only seem to be capable of hurting those he loved? Why?

"She," and he couldn't say her name, still, coward, "she… was almost… she almost… and I couldn't anymore." He felt treacherous tears sting his eyes and he welcomed them, blurring out the faces in front of him. "I couldn't stop her," he whispered.

"She wanted information," Lance continued, gaze dropping back to his knees. "About you. The Paladins."

No one interrupted but they were all thinking the same thing; this confirmed their original suspicions that the extended timeline had been so information could be tortured from Lance. But there was no satisfaction in being right. Only dulled horror.

"I wouldn't tell her. But she…" and Lance unconsciously lifted his left hand to his head, "never stopped trying. To get i-in." He looked up, trying to convey the truth of this to Shiro. "I stopped her. I d-did. I didn't tell her anyth-thing. Anything," he repeated, desperately. "Not once."

"We know you didn't," Shiro said, carefully reaching out his flesh hand to put on Lance's other knee. "We know. You were so brave, Lance."

Lance shook his head in denial. He wasn't brave. He'd just been scared. For himself. For his family. For the fate of the universe.

"I… I didn't think you were coming," Lance murmured. "I tried to escape, but…" He squeezed his eyes shut. Not now. He couldn't think on all of this now. It was too much but as if summoned the scars on his hands and feet ached with pain. He heard a few intakes of breath and he felt blood drip down from the new wounds and Pidge's quiet but terrified, "what the hell?"

"Lance, lad, your mindscape is reacting to your emotions," Coran said calmly as the wind, which had been slowly dying down, rose back to a howl and Lance whimpered with it and the roar of the waves turned into shouts from the crowd. "Take a deep breath for me." Lance tried above the newest pulse of pain and Coran murmured, "That's it. And release. And another one, please." Lance did as Coran asked, one breathy sob after the next.

"There you go," Coran encouraged, his voice rising above the Galran and sending them to silence. "Let's not think about that for now, all right? Not when it is hurting you so, lad."

Lance managed a nod and focused on taking another steadying breath, feeling the throbbing recede and moments later his skin was back to just the ugly scars. He tried not to look at them.

"¿Estás bien?" Hunk asked quietly.

Lance shook his head. It was all so vivid and here, in his mind, he made things actually real. He needed to get control of himself before he did anything else or made the storm worse and it took out their small shelter. At the thought he felt a tremor go through the wall and he winced as everyone shifted about.

"She…" he tried to pick up where he left off and ignoring what led up to it, "she and Theodek, they… they tried something different. Phase three. Because I wouldn't… wouldn't tell them anything from just the… the…" Despite his attempts he pictured the metal table then and the straps and knives and rods and gasped as he felt something puncture into his thigh while a searing line cut across his chest.

"Lance!" gasped out Hunk while Coran barked out a sharp with worry, "Don't think about it!" and he tasted blood between his lips and felt claws rake down his arm.

"Lance, stop!" Pidge pleaded, hands lighting on his upper arm as if to ground him. "Please!"

And Dios, he wanted to. It hurt but the pain only conjured more and a high keen broke free as something stabbed into his stomach and hot blood gushed while he felt his hand scream as fingers were broken and twisted and Hunk's hand turned into a cruel grip that threatened to crush bone.

"Lance!" Shiro all but roared, piercing above even his own breathless cries of terror and agony. "You're not there! You're here." His voice broke. "With us. You're safe. Please… you're not…"

"Shiro!" called out Keith and he sounded absolutely panicked. It was enough to drag Lance from his haze, seeing the moment where Shiro collapsed in on himself, face a mask of remembered hurt and distress.

"S-Shiro," he mumbled, guilt flooding him and taking the place of the pain. He was hurting Shiro. He was hurting Shiro. "S-Shiro, I'm… I'm so s-sorry."

Keith was crouched next to Shiro now and Allura on his other side, hands splayed across his back as Shiro shuddered, face pale and pinched. The guilt felt enough to drown Lance and he found himself mimicking the shudder in Hunk's arms.

"Just breathe for me, hermano," Hunk murmured. "Concentrate on me, okay? In and out. Shiro's going to be okay, let's focus on you. In and out with me."

Coran was there then too, blocking Lance's view of Shiro and his hands were steady on top of Lance's own. "You've got this lad," he encouraged. "You can do this. Focus on us now."

Lance tried, matching his breathing to Hunk's and concentrating on the feel of Coran squeezing his hands in time with his breaths and Pidge's small, warm ones holding tight. Slowly, slowly the wounds sealed themselves back together leaving only lines of blood to show that they were ever there.

The twin wounds on his wrists though remained, Lance could tell, even obscured by the bandages. He swallowed back a sob. Of course they were. He hadn't yet been able to talk about them.

And now he was only making everyone else feel his pain.

"Estoy bien," he said softly once he felt somewhat stable again and the worst of the pain had faded to a sharp memory. "¿Es Shiro…?

Coran shifted then to reveal Shiro, being propped up by Allura's strength while Keith, bare-chested, was crouched on his heels next to him with both hands wrapped about Shiro's upper arm.

Shiro looked up at that moment and his charcoal eyes caught Lance's and he managed a small smile. "I'm okay, buddy," he said, although his voice was still tight. "Sorry for scaring you."

"Lo siento," Lance choked out. "I didn't mean t-to—"

"Lance," Shiro interrupted, "don't apologize. It's okay. I'm all right now. Are you okay?"

Lance managed a tiny nod, guilt still roiling his stomach.

"I do not believe it safe to speak on such things anymore," Allura said, casting a worried look at Lance. "Not when these memories trigger such…torture."

Because the wounds that had appeared one after the other on Lance's skin could be anything but. Lance been tortured. Allura clenched her hands so tightly she felt her nails dig into her palms. Haggar had done this to her paladin. She had made him weep blood and tears and even now continued to strike. She hissed. She would make the witch bleed for what she had done to her family.

And yet, she loosened her grip with an attempt at a calming breath, despite all of that pain and fear Lance had undergone, he had said he had not told Haggar anything. He had suffered the Galran's cruelty again and again without revealing a single drop of information that could have hurt them. He had done everything he could to protect them.

Allura had never felt such pride and horror rolled into one.

"I am not sure we have a choice, Princess," Coran said, bringing her back to the present. "The wounds are," he nodded towards Lance's arms, tucked back into his lap, "they are not yet healed."

"I'm sorry," Lance whispered, ducking his head. He was keeping them stuck here with him. The wind blew louder and he closed his eyes, leaning more into Hunk and Pidge's touch.

"There's nothing to apologize for, lad," Coran said, rubbing Lance's knee. "We can take all the time we need. We are here for you, Lance. We will go at whatever pace you need."

Fast. Lance wanted this over with. He wanted to get out of his mindscape, which was no longer the comforting place it had once been. He wanted to go back to the castle and bury himself in Hunk's hoodie and curl up in bed and forget all of this.

But he couldn't forget. He could never forget. And right now he needed to remember, to talk about it but without triggering another bout of injuries that hurt everyone. He cast another guilty look through his bangs at Shiro, who was still paler than he should be.

He'd done that. He'd made Shiro think back to his own time with the Galra and Lance shuddered. Shiro didn't talk about what had happened. They'd picked up bits and pieces; a gladiator ring and fights to the death, his being a guinea pig for Haggar's prosthetics, but they had never pried. Lance wondered, heart clenching, what Shiro had just seen.

Fast. Right. He needed to talk then. The sooner he got this over with the better.

He took one deep inhale, trying to summon up what little courage he could and Hunk squeezed his shoulder again.

"Phase three," he managed after a moment. "It was… they…"

The ocean waves responded to his memory, no matter how hard he tried not to think on it, crashing with a new ferocity against the rock and Lance recoiled back into Hunk's arms. Dios, he couldn't say it. He tried to think of anything else – garlic knots, quilts, the mice – but the ocean only grew louder and louder, literally drowning out his own thoughts. He couldn't suppress the whimper as he imagined the water coming in and going over his head and—

"Lance, breathe, hey, it's okay, you're okay," Hunk squeezed him tightly. "Breathe, hermano. We're right here." Lance trembled in his arms, willing the ocean to calm.

Keith spared him from having to think any more on it. "You were drowned," he said bluntly although not without an undertone of concern and Lance hiccupped out a "sí," more tears dripping down his face. He hurriedly brushed them away before he could taste the salt.

"A metal box," Lance whispered, shuddering. "Full of w-water. It was dark and he kept… kept…"

Lance felt Pidge's head lower to press against his arm and he tried to draw strength from her support.

"He said he'd stop if I… if I gave h-him information. But I… I wouldn't. And he just…" Lance shuddered. "Over and over. I couldn't br-breathe. Couldn't see. I couldn't get out. There was just w-water everywhere." He felt his throat closing off now just trying to talk about it and Hunk rubbed his back gently, grounding him.

"Oh, Lance," Allura murmured.

"Then she was there. In my h-head. And… and I couldn't stop her anymore. I tried. Dios, I… but…" his voice dropped. "I couldn't. And I knew that if she… if she got in she'd h-hurt you. And I couldn't let her.

"So I… I…" Lance glanced at his bandaged wrists and then quickly away and back to his knees. "There were these spikes. Under the water." Hunk's grip tightened and a little moan of distress issued from the larger boy's lips.

"I thought…" Lance closed his eyes. "I thought if I… died," the word a breath of air, "then she couldn't get in my head. She couldn't hurt you. I just… I wanted to protect you all," he finished, voice small. "But I f-failed."

"You did not fail," Shiro said fiercely, color returning to his cheeks. "You protected us, Lance. And…" his voice broke, "I'm glad you didn't…" His own words became locked in his throat and instead he leaned forward, wrapping his arms almost awkwardly about Lance's knees and what he could reach of his torso, including Hunk, Pidge and Coran in the embrace as well.

Lance let out another sob and shifted to kneeling so Shiro could more comfortably hug him, burying his face against the older boy's front while Hunk continued to rub soothing circles on his back and Coran and Pidge adjusted accordingly.

"I'm sorry," Lance cried. "I'm so sorry. I m-messed up. I'm w-weak and—"

"No," Allura interrupted sharply. "No, Lance," she said again, softer, and there was so much emotion in just his name that Lance nearly started crying again. "You protected us with your life. I… I am so, so sorry that you had to make such a decision, but I am not sorry that your attempt failed. I do not know what we would have done had succeeded." She sniffled, eyes bright. "You are a part of our family Lance and I will not –cannot— lose you."

"But if I died… then you could get a better Blue Paladin," Lance choked out his admission. "I g-gave up. I couldn't… I c-couldn't anymore."

Because as altruistic as his intentions were there was a selfish part in them too. He had wanted an out, no longer able to continue the never-ending struggle. And, he had thought then in those dark moments, that the universe would be better served by someone more competent than he. And with him gone they could get a new and better Blue Paladin.

He didn't feel that way now. He still felt, still knew, he was the weak link. But he was the Blue Paladin. Blue had made that very, very clear along with the rest of the team. He was still trying hard to accept their high praises, but he was trying. They expected nothing less and he couldn't let them down again.

"You went through unspeakable horror with no reprieve," Allura said, voice firm again. "You fought off Haggar's mental attacks as well as suffered physical wounds and hurts while sick and alone. You thought…" she swallowed. "You thought we had abandoned you and no help was coming. You were beyond brave and courageous and you…" her hand descended onto his shoulder that Hunk had not commandeered, "you did what you thought would best protect us. The honor of that decision is not diminished at all from wishing for an end to the pain. I do not think many would have endured as long as you, Lance. You are truly one of the strongest individuals I have ever known. Please, do not ever forget that."

"Allura…" he whispered, warmth filling up his chest and battling away the cold. The outside torrent of wind and rain continued to lessen.

"Lance," Keith spoke then, inching his way forward into the huddle and Allura placed one hand on his back to draw him even closer. "I… I don't want to hear you saying that about yourself again. That you're weak. Because…" he paused, voice catching. "You're not."

"Keith…" Lance could feel new nears brimming again.

"And… and I don't want anyone else to be our Blue Paladin," Keith continued, a light flush highlighting his cheeks. "There's no one better than you. So… so don't think that about yourself."

"Keith," Lance repeated, the warmth growing. Keith was saying those things about him? Keith thought that? Keith?

Looking a little out of his element but with the determination Lance had come to expect from the Red Paladin, Keith joined in with the others and lightly put his hand atop of Lance's left where it was still pressed against Shiro's chest.

"Lance," Keith said, seeking out Lance's eyes with his own. "You're not weak. What you did… you protected us in the only way you could. You were strong. You are strong. Okay?"

"Okay," Lance whispered, having a sense of déjà vu, compounded when Hunk asked a quiet, "Okay, what?" behind him.

"I am strong," he said quietly, feeling the truth and power behind the words. "And… and I did this to protect you… to keep you all safe."

He gasped then as heat seemed to sear his wrists, but it was gone as quick as it came and the throbbing ache he had nearly managed to block out disappeared entirely.

His eyes widened and he drew his hands free from the various holds and embraces.

"Lance?" Hunk murmured as Lance tentatively went to push aside the blood-soaked bandages.

"They're gone," he breathed. His left wrist and forearm were unblemished mocha and his right, while still covered with the angry burn scar, had lost the self-inflicted wound. He stared it for a few seconds before tucking it back against him to both prevent looking at it and accidentally triggering another memory.

"Great job, buddy," Shiro beamed, giving Lance's upper arm a squeeze and sitting back to give Lance some space. "You did it."

"The storm has gone too," Allura noted. Indeed, the wind and rain had vanished and the ocean waves had gone back to a gentle roll breaking on the surf.

Lance could feel it within himself, the calming of the elements around him and he took one deep cleansing breath and then another. He knew it was not all over and he still had a lot he needed to say.

But he felt better. Lighter.

Peaceful.

That dark pressure had released its hold and ensconced as he was in Hunk's arms with everyone else clustered around he felt completely safe. Content.

Happy.

He nearly startled at the almost foreign feeling that was filling him. Happy. He… he was feeling happy.

"Look," Pidge gasped. "The sky!"

The clouds were turning from dark gray to wispy white while sunshine was beginning to peak through and cast its rays upon the beach.

"Lance, lad," Coran said, voice awed and full of such pride. "Look at what you are doing."

For as they all had learned the mindscape reflected the individual's state of mind. And if Lance was turning the storm into a sun-warmed beach then…

"Do you want to go outside?" Hunk asked, eagerness clear, as the sky changed into a brilliant azure blue to match the indigo waves.

"Yes," Lance whispered. "Yes," he repeated with more conviction, the shakiness from just minutes ago near vanished.

The others were already pulling themselves to their feet and dusting off sand-covered bottoms. Lance was still sitting with Hunk behind him when Keith extended a hand down, a soft smile on his face. "Then what are you waiting for?"

Lance tentatively held out his left, eyes skidding right over the mark through his palm, and Keith grasped it firmly and pulled Lance with surprising strength to standing. Pidge was there then, taking his still trembling right hand tightly in her own and giving him a wide grin.

"Let's go, let's go!" she cheered, giving it a tug as Lance stalled upon standing. Out there was still the ocean, dangerous and wild and so, so easily able to drag him down.

"We're right here," Hunk said and a large hand descended on his shoulder. "Right here, hermano."

Lance nodded. And with Pidge tugging on his hand, Keith holding the other steadily, and Hunk offering up his strength from behind Lance took a careful step forward and then another while the others waited at the entrance of the cove with wide smiles.

His bare feet sank into sand, tickling his toes with a fond familiarity. The sun was bright, almost too much, and he winced at its light, but the beams felt nice falling on his shoulders and he forged on ahead.

Pidge and Keith released his hands as he stepped more fully onto the beach. He kept well away from the inviting but still much, much too powerful waves and buried his feet into the golden dunes.

He turned his face up, soaking in the sunlight that spoke hope and happiness and love. He could feel it wrapping about him, heard the sound of childlike innocent laughter and the playful roar of his Lion, and the blossoming warmth expanded.

He closed his eyes, picturing the blue of his quintessence and this time it glowed with unbridled joy and enveloped him in its comfort, a purr reverberating through him. He tipped his head back more, letting the sunshine kiss his face and warm him from the inside out with the physical peace and happiness he had been able to conjure.

And Lance smiled.

xxx

Author's Notes:

He smiles! I'm so happy! *bawling* Our boy is so brave and beautiful and just… *dissolves into more blubbering* Look away, guys. I'm not a pretty crier.

Intense chapter (you do not mess around in a mindscape!) to start but a happy ending there with Lance finding inner peace what with that huge weight off his chest and the (as we all knew would happen) absolute acceptance from the group. There's still plenty of stuff that we do need to talk about before this story ends, but Lance just took a giant leap forward here and I have never been prouder. I know I've been leading to this moment for like, forever, so I truly hope I did it justice.

Much love to the reviewers who make my day shine with happiness too: Wolf of the Demise, Guest, llamamoose23, Subtle Shenanigans, Noel, Nellie Bachesneg, Jennyfish26, migrane, geekyglamour413, Skiewrites 2.0, Guest, PurpleJediCat, Adrianna Agray, imagine forevermore, IceAurora, dragoscilvio, Pfeh, TheHufflepuffHuntress, Fir3danc3r, sierra steinbrecher, hobbes101, Guest, Tony WildRiver, Wolfwind97, LishaChan, eyeore1994, Shadow Gray, Ginko Kataribe, Cats and violin, Roxanne McClain, GingerJazzy, Popo-chaaan, wingedflower, SleepDeprivedFemale, Justanangryfangirl, This-Lil'-Fan-Girl, Alexa, bigtimedreamer101, Eeveecat1248, Thedevilsangel1, Supergurkan, ChocolateMonkey, TheTheoryofFangirling, The-Angst-Chronicles, HarleeT, Sealure, Sarah, Cara and StrawberryFever!

Please please do drop a comment this chapter. This is one of my favorites thus far and I'd really love to hear what you thought of it too. Thanks so much!