x

As Color Fades Away

Chapter Fifty-Seven

"This is delicious!" Allura exclaimed, scooping up another spoonful of the thick stew with an un-princess-like zeal.

"It did turn out pretty nice," Hunk said, blowing on his own spoon. "The bread too. Great job, Keith."

The Red Paladin shrugged, but the pink on his cheeks told a different story at the comment. He'd had to get creative after Hunk and Lance had left and so he'd returned to what he knew of the basics; flour, yeast, water, salt and eggs. He'd added in some of the alien garlic too for a bit of flavor as they were out of butter. Not that it really mattered as most of them were dunking the bread into the stew.

But even better than the compliment Keith thought was watching Lance eat. It was with none of the exaggerated gusto he'd make when Hunk cooked for them, proclaiming Hunk a God and other sorts of nonsense, but it was more of the fact he was actually eating and not with that scared, reserved demeanor of dinner last night.

Hunk had broken Lance's chunk of bread into smaller pieces and the sharpshooter was dipping each piece into the stew and letting it saturate before he ate it. As time had gone on he had gotten faster at it too, no longer pausing as he debated on whether to swallow and the soft look of delight at each successful pass and taste was making Keith grin like an idiot.

At least he was in good company. Everyone was watching Lance eat through side eyes although their subject seemed oblivious to the extra interest. A small cup of water sat untouched by his plate but the fact it was there at all told them all they needed to know.

Dinner had been delayed a bit as they waited for Hunk and Lance and so Keith had filled in the others very briefly about what had happened with the food goo and the attempted shower now. He'd seen the shared looks of concern everyone exchanged but Coran had nodded with a firm, "Lance is ready," and that had been that.

And as the Altean had predicted, Lance had been. He'd come into the kitchen with an easy grace, Hunk's arm about him but not in the way Hunk had been earlier, as though trying to shield Lance, but instead a hold just because he could. His hair had been damp and the food goo traces gone, indicating that a shower had indeed taken place. More than that though was the soft smile and the shine to his eyes that transformed Lance from a prisoner of war back into their Lance, their Blue Paladin and brother.

Even the thick scar visible on his neck, no longer hidden behind layers of bandages, could not take away from the quiet joy and Keith found his gaze easily sliding from it back to Lance's face. He didn't see the scar, just like he didn't see Shiro's.

Dinner was nearly wrapping up now, the mice happily finishing the leftover stew on the table with little burps of delight. They'd been a little downtrodden for them, Keith had thought, but as soon as Lance had pushed a piece of his bread towards Chuchule they had all squeaked and rushed to nuzzle against his hand.

Lance had looked surprised at the sudden attention before his gaze softened and he rubbed a finger over the little furry bodies. A finger, Keith could see, that bore the faintest traces of a bite marks.

"Well that was indeed a delicious meal," Coran sat back and rubbed his stomach appreciatively. "My compliments to the chefs."

"Which means everyone else is on clean-up duty," Hunk grinned and Pidge groaned. "Hey! We are not leaving my kitchen in the state of disrepair it has been." He turned to Coran. "You're excused, of course, since you did all the dishes last night."

Coran twirled his moustache. "Thank you, my boy."

Lance didn't even react to the comment although Hunk knew for certain he'd heard it. His grin widened.

"I am afraid I must decline such an offer," Allura said, rising to her feet and shaking out her dress. She had changed back into the familiar garment although had exchanged the jacket and cape for a comfortable shawl.

"Hey, hey, none of that," Hunk brandished his soup spoon at her. "Just because you're a princess—"

"I am sorry, Hunk," Allura apologized. "But before the evening gets too late…" She turned her gaze to Lance. "Might I have a moment?"

Lance's eyes widened in surprise and Allura inclined her head in what she hoped was less regal and more familial manner. She did not wish to make Lance uncomfortable but in the few hours she'd had to herself, relaxing in the bath (while the mice held soap bar races to her great amusement) had only made her more aware of what had happened and what she had seen; those dark marks gouged into Lance's very essence.

While today had shown her that her abilities with quintessence were still incredibly low, she did feel confident enough to look at his again. She needed to look again to make certain that her intrusion had not made those marks worse.

"Sure," Lance said after a few ticks.

"The lounge, please," Allura said, voice more confident than she felt. She glanced around the room, noting the new sense of unease that she had created. "If you would all join us after the kitchen has been cleaned? Perhaps for one of your… movie nights?"

Her words had the desired effect , the tension deflating and Hunk nodded enthusiastically. "Sounds great, Allura. I'll make some hot chocolate too."

Pidge stood up abruptly from the table, glasses flashing almost ominously. "Will there be marshmallows?"

"Um… I think I might have something?"

Pidge picked up the two bowls within her reach. "Then let the cleaning commence."

Lance got up from the table and retrieved something from the kitchen counter – her plush toy, Flafie, Allura realized – before he joined her, quieter than she was used and eyes somewhat guarded but face still open with trust that she did not deserve.

"Let us go," she smiled and Lance fell into step beside her. A week ago she would have expected some sort of – what Shiro had informed her were called pick-up lines – advance or comment about being alone with the princess on a stroll, but Lance was silent this time. She wished to break it with some line of her own to lighten his spirits, but any words lodged in her throat.

They were at the lounge in minutes and Allura gestured for Lance to sit on the couch and she joined him. His eyes were downcast, focused on the plush that he had settled on his lap and was rubbing his thumb idly over.

"Lance," she said gently and his eyes came up immediately to meet hers. She swallowed thickly. "I have said it already, but it bears repeating. I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you this morning." She held up a hand as he went to protest. "I know you do not blame me, and for that I thank you so very much, but I think we are both more than aware that one has to believe such a thing themselves to accept it as real truth."

Lance's gaze shifted down again and he gave a short nod, her words striking home.

"I saw something before we were transported to your mindscape," Allura continued, clasping her hands in her lap. "Your quintessence. Or really, all of our quintessences."

Lance looked back at her. "You can see quintessence?"

"When I am in a state like that, yes," she said. "They appear as colors and feelings and…" she could not suppress the shiver at the reminder of the sheer power that had ultimately overwhelmed her. "Colors," she settled on.

"What color is mine?" he asked and Allura let out a soft laugh that he did not know.

"Blue, of course," she smiled and he returned it tentatively. "All of the Paladins represent their colored quintessence. I myself am a version of pink and Coran is a healing orange."

"Do other people have them? Colors?" And Allura was both surprised and warmed by his curiosity. She had always thought that it was only Pidge and Hunk of the humans who really wished to know how things had worked, but she had underestimated Lance before and was still doing so now. Besides, and she hid the sad frown, of them all Lance would of course be the most interested in quintessence.

"Yes," Allura nodded. "There are of course other people who do possess the colors, but none as strong as yours or the other Paladins. Mostly it is a wisp, not a full light like your own. Everyone in the universe has a quintessence, but most appear white with a few individuals possessing a semblance of color be that a full source or a flicker."

She reached out a hand and placed it gently atop Lance's right, resting on his leg. "I can most certainly say though that your quintessence is the most beautiful blue I have ever seen. It shines brighter than any Paladin's I have ever met."

"Really?"

"Really. However…" Her hand tightened on his own. "There was something else there."

Lance winced. "The dark patches."

She nodded. "Yes. You described it as such on the Astral Plane but upon seeing it for myself…" She paused then, needing to tread lightly. "I saw the damage that Haggar wrought upon your spirit. But I felt that… that hers was not the only hand to land such a blow."

Lance averted his eyes again and Allura felt the tremble through him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"No," Allura squeezed his hand. "Your apology is not needed or warranted. For we all contributed to this wound and as Princess I take full responsibility."

Lance looked confused. "But you didn't do anything…"

"Exactly," Allura said. "I did not do anything. I did not see that you were hurting inside. I did not care enough, and I am ashamed to admit that I wrote you off as a rather shallow individual and never looked deeper to see who you truly were. I should have," she said bitterly, "as the Blue Lion would never have chosen a Paladin she did not feel was worthy and yet I disregarded that. I did nothing to make you feel as though you could come to me with your concerns. You were hurting, Lance, and I did not – could not – see it and because of that you suffered more.

"I know I am not the most observant person – why, it was the mice who informed me that Pidge was a fellow female – and I can come across as harsh or cold. My training methods may perhaps be a bit… extreme," she allowed and a ghost of a smile flitted across Lance's face, "but I truly do care, Lance. More so now than ever before because I have had my eyes opened to how important you are to me. You are my family and I am sorry it took me so long to realize such."

"Allura," he whispered and she squeezed his hand again.

"I may have failed you in the past but I will endeavor to do better by you now," Allura murmured. "If you would allow it so."

It was all Lance could do to manage a nod, feeling tears blurring his vision.

It had been one thing, still shook him to the core, to hear all of the positive things Allura had said about him and his inner strength and compassion. To hear that she could not imagine her life without him, and those words spoken in the mindscape echoed stronger now in reflection. But for her to call him family… It was more than he could have ever hoped for.

"May I give you a hug?" Allura asked and Lance choked out a 'yes.'

Her hands were slender, nearly identical to Haggar's, as they wrapped around his back, but they were different. These ones held him tenderly and her head descended to rest against his shoulder, a waterfall of white. Lance tentatively returned it, as despite Allura's words she was still a princess and had a decorum that—

"Lance," she breathed into his shoulder. "Please. I am not royalty here."

She let out a soft, light laugh as his arms tightened and the tension left his frame. He leaned into her then, resting his cheek atop her shoulder and loose tresses. They remained for a moment until Allura lifted her head and Lance responded in kind.

"If it is all right with you," she said, bringing her hands back to layer gently atop Lance's own, "I would like to connect with you to view your quintessence. It will not," and her voice grew firm, "be anything like earlier today. I swear it."

"…Why?" Lance asked and while she could feel his hesitation, with good reason, above it all she felt his trust.

"My actions today caused you a near fatal quintessence depletion," she answered, "and is the reason we were transported to your mindscape. I wish to make certain that your levels are stabilizing from such a venture. Coran informed me that the scanner shows your body to be adjusting but I wish to make sure I did not… did not do anything more than I already have."

Lance gave a small nod. "Okay. Um. What do I do?"

"Hold your hands out, palm up," Allura instructed, removing her own to allow him to do so. Lance did so, hovering them in the space between. "Close your eyes." He did so without delay and Allura felt her breath catch at still such confidence in her. "Empty your mind," she murmured. "Breathe deeply."

She gave Lance a minute to fall into a quiet series of inhales and exhales and she matched her own breaths to his own. His right hand was beginning to waver a bit at the extended reach and Allura gently placed her own palms to his and secured them with her thumbs.

With one last deep breath she closed her eyes and descended into the connection.

As normal she felt her own energy first; an opalescent pink that flowed in various shades over her. She sunk into it, grounding herself to avoid draining Lance again by accident. Once she was certain she had a hold on herself she opened her eyes to view the quintessence that she felt brushing against her own.

Blue. Lance was awash with a bright blue light, the colors mingling with her own and coloring their hands a soft purple that moved back and forth as though ocean waves. His eyes were closed and head bowed, face calm and radiating a peace that his quintessence matched; filling her with smiles and laughter and the tide brushing against her toes and a salty spray to the air. This was the Blue Paladin's quintessence and she could have basked in it forever.

Her breath caught though as she looked at the light and the sharp inhale had Lance jerking his head up, eyes opening and blending so well with the color that flowed about him that Allura gasped again as they seemed to glow. "What? What is it?"

"Your quintessence…" she watched as it curled around Lance's form, a tangible beautiful thing that she wished she could share with him.

For the black gouges were nearly gone. There were still some, dark patches that went from the deepest darkness to a somewhat brighter indigo, but it was nothing like the tortured soul she had viewed that morning.

It was healing.

"Oh, Lance," she breathed, and although she had not yet found the words to explain what she was seeing, Lance heard her tone and relaxed. The quintessence shone even brighter, exuding trust and love and hope and she never wanted to leave it.

"Your quintessence," she repeated, breathless, "It… It is healing itself."

His eyes widened. "What?"

She watched a tendril jump playfully, like the talefan playing in the water, before it dove back into the glow right above Lance's heart.

"The darkness, it is nearly gone," Allura said, meeting his eyes. She gazed into that captivating blue, letting the light fill her before she abruptly lifted her hands, severing the connection before she could dive in too deep and cause another backlash. The action turned the lounge back into its dull form and she blinked away the spots at the change.

"What does that mean, exactly?"

"How do you feel?" she asked instead. "Since this morning, do you feel different?"

He gave a slow nod. "Lighter," he said after a moment. "I feel lighter."

"You have done much today," Allura smiled, taking his hands in her own again and squeezing them. "Facing your fears one after the next, opening up to us all and in turn providing us the opportunity to open ourselves to you. Your strength is your compassion and trust, Lance. Your ability to smile and laugh and hope… As those pieces of you heal so too does your quintessence."

"But there's still black," he turned his head.

"Yes," Allura said softly, "there is. There may always be some, Lance, for a heart as open as your own is more likely to be hurt. But that is why we are here," and she placed a slender hand above his heart, feeling it race beneath her fingertips. "We will protect your heart. We will protect you so that you may continue to be this person. This remarkable, wonderful person whose ability to love truly has no barrier."

"What if I hurt myself again?" he whispered. For that is where all of this had started. His self-doubt and hurt had fed the darkness and Haggar had then ripped it wide open.

"We will be here. We will not stand idle again when you are in pain. And when you are feeling sad or hurt I hope you will come to one of us so we may help in whatever way we can."

He nodded. "I… I can do that. But I don't want to bother—"

"I shall be bothered if you do not," Allura interrupted. He eyes softened. "Please. Do not hide your pain from us. We cannot help if we do not know."

Lance gave another nod and a tentative smile that Allura matched it. She raised the hand that she still had in her possession and pressed a kiss to it, directly over the scar, and Lance's cheeks colored. "A promise," she said in answer, fighting a grin.

"Is… is that an Altean thing?" he asked, still pink.

"Yes," she smiled. "But only amongst family and friends. A kiss seals a promise of great importance, although generally it is placed upon the forehead or cheek depending upon relation." Her expression sobered as Lance's lips turned down and he cut his eyes away from her.

"Your aversion to touch there," she hedged cautiously, "it has something to do with the witch?"

She did not expect him to really answer, but Lance surprised her with a short nod. "She… Haggar," he swallowed thickly, wincing at the sound of the name, but he had to stop giving it power over him, "She liked to…" He carefully brought his free hand to his cheek and touched it gently, shuddering even as his own knuckles brushed against it. "I don't know why," he said quietly. "She just… liked to touch my face. Play with my h-hair. I told her to stop and she… she wouldn't."

"Haggar is cruel," Allura said simply but fiercely.

Lance slightly inclined his head at the statement.

Allura brushed thumb fingers over Lance's other hand, trying to offer comfort as she spoke. "She enjoys making others feel helpless," she continued, "for she is the one who is weak. She distorts and twists and hurts to make herself feel powerful. She saw your heart, Lance. Your compassion and your love and, I believe, she wanted it for herself. But that is not love. That is possession and what she did was every level of wrong."

Tears were forming at the corners of his eyes now, crystalline droplets making his eyes shimmer as much as the quintessence. Allura hated that she could see why Haggar would have been drawn to such a sight.

"Why can't I…?" Lance gestured at his face.

"Time," Allura said gently. "You need time, Lance. You have already come so far, but wounds to the spirit are not so quickly healed. Do not feel as though this is a failure" – and at his wince she knew she had hit that dorblang on the toe – "for it is not. Do not feel as though you must hurry the process for any of us. We already view you in the highest of regards and that will never change no matter if it takes you quintants or decofebes to fully heal. We will be here no matter what."

He let out a soft sob, rubbing at his eyes.

"I am going to hug you again," Allura cautioned him and the sob turned into a choked laugh and he nodded.

She gathered the slender human into her arms and he relaxed fully in the embrace. Even now, without being in tune with the Astral Plane, she could still feel the love and hope his quintessence overflowed with and she pulled him even closer.

In this moment everything in the universe was perfect, Allura decided, breathing in the faint spicy scent of Lance's hair.

She dearly wished it never had to end.

xxx

Author's Notes:

A tad shorter (for me :p) but I didn't want to draw any attention away from the lovely moment between these two. And with that I can check off one-on-one bonding moments Lance has had with each member of his family. Don't think there still won't be more, but my goal was to give them all at least one of just the two. And Allura was fabulous to end this with and she has become an absolute favorite of mine to write. Those speech patterns? *fans self*

Shower poll results! Let me just say this topic had way more passion than I anticipated from both sides. Got some poetry too about showers so there's that ;p For a more rounded study I combined FFs answers with Ao3. So: We had a total of 32 responses and the breakdown is as follows: 12 face away from the shower (37.5%), 11 turn into the shower trying to drown themselves (I tried this. It nearly happened xD) (34%) and the remaining nine made a new option of "both" (28%) with descriptions of rotating and turntables. So, there we are. A surprisingly pretty even split across the board. Thank you all participating in my study! :p

Big news here: As some of you may have noticed I have been posting a bunch of one-shot fics despite going on hiatus (yeah, that failed, I am terrible at self-care xD) and that is because a very dear friend of mine is in a really tough financial spot right now and I've been taking one-shot commissions with all proceeds donating to her (I feel weird taking money for fanfic writing but since it's all donations it feels less weird?) You can find all information on my Tumblr or are welcome to message me if you are interested in purchasing one and I can provide details there too. (biggest thing is gen only). I am accepting commissions through March 17th (tomorrow) so if you want one, act fast xD I will preface and say I'm not sure I'm ever doing this again, for either donations or myself (which still feels weird) as while it has been a ton of fun and so far every commission involves Lance (you guys!) it is definitely exhausting. So, last call is tomorrow. To everyone who has purchased one or reblogged or shared the information with your friends and readers, I love you all and thank you so much for helping me help a friend.

And I'll stop bolding the sentences now :p Thank you all for the lovely comments on the last chapter. It is indeed wonderful to see Lance healing and accepting himself just makes my heart swell with pride. Onwards to even more love and recovery. Oh, wait, you guys mean you're ready for a certain witch named a few times above to make an appearance? Hmm... She's closer than you think ;)

As always, if you enjoyed the chapter please do leave a review below. They're seriously the most wonderful way to tell an author thanks for writing and we love to hear from you. Thanks ever so much!