Experimental Subject Coffee

"You know," Mikey said, "put enough sugar and cream and chocolate in it, and I could learn to really like coffee." He audibly slurped the rest of his mug, licked around his mouth, and shimmied a little, his grin just a little too wide.

"Oh, Newton's Fourth Law, what have I done?" And Donnie buried his face in his hands.

"Relax, bro, you were the one who wanted to try the experiment to see if—whoooaaa."

Donatello raised his head, eyes already wide. "What? What is it? Mikey? Are you…uhh. Mikey?"

Michelangelo was sitting totally, absolutely still. He blinked very slowly, twice, four times. His head tilted to one side, the other side, back to straight.

"Donnie," he said in a low voice, "it's so quiet."

Donatello yanked his laptop toward him and began typing. "Mikey, tell me everything you're feeling."

"I…I…my brain, it…there's no bouncy bouncy. All my thoughts are, like, lined up. You know? Like, they're less jumbled. They're not running around screaming for attention. Does—does that make sense, Donnie? Does it?"

"Yes." Don was nodding ecstatically. "It absolutely does, Mikey. Continue, please!"

"I…like, I can think one thought without twelve other thoughts shoving in. Is that…is that what the experiment wanted to do, Donnie? Is that what you're looking for?"

Michelangelo's bright azure eyes were eerily focused on his own deep chestnut eyes, and Donatello felt that stare drilling holes in his skull. "Yeah," he murmured. "Yeah, Mikey, I was hoping for that. Lemme just add some data and finish these calculations, and then we-"

Hands grabbed the top of his laptop, steady and strong, and Mikey's face was right above, staring and staring, and a grin split across his face, a grin bright and beautiful. "Donnie!" he squeaked. "Donnie, my brain is so quiet. Donnie, what do I do?"

Donatello found himself grinning just as widely, just as ecstatically. Euphoria filled him unexpectedly. "Go with it, Mikey," he said, almost yelling. "Feel it! Do a backflip. A kata." He finished typing with a flourish, like a concert pianist, and saved it. His shaking brother slammed the laptop closed and reached for his hand.

"Spar with me, Donnie," he gasped. "I need to feel…I need to know."

Hand in hand, they hurried to the dojo. The rest of the family was there, meditating, and the glanced up and stared.

"Remember that coffee experiment I was going to do with Mikey?" Donatello said.

Leonardo frowned. "You mean, to see if it would help calm his ADHD?"

Both Don and Mike nodded enthusiastically.

As Donnie opened his mouth, Mikey gasped, "It's working, guys! I can feel it! My brain feels all quiet and calm-like!"

As Leo and Raph stared open-mouthed at each other, Splinter stood and inclined his head. "Please," he said, "demonstrate."

Mikey and Donnie grinned at each other and bounced a little, like eager children. They drew their weapons and took up their stances, while the others made room. Before Splinter could open his mouth, the two bowed to each other. Donatello moved first, twirling his naginata as hard as he could, advancing with determination. Michelangelo merely stood there, lightly spinning his nunchucks, a smile on his face. The instant before Don's weapon struck, Mikey shot upward and flipped forward, catching the staff in his chains. He landed silently on one foot and pivoted, executing a perfect dragon kick with a focus they had rarely ever seen. Donnie's staff flew out of his hands as the kick struck his abdomen, and the shock on his face warred with the pride that radiated.

"Mikey," he breathed, "that was amazing."

Mikey, quickly detangling the weapons, lit up the room with his smile. "Really? You mean it?"

As one, they looked over at the others. Raphael's jaw was dropped. Leonardo's eyes were as wide as they could get. Master Splinter had an expression of stunned, startled pride.

Don flipped back to his feet and threw his arms around his only little brother. They fist-bumped. "So," Donnie said. "Coffee!" Mikey nodded. "With chocolate!"

"Well, medicine has already shown that strong stimulants can soothe the overactive hyperactive brain," Donatello said excitedly, grinning so hard it hurt.

"See?" Michelangelo said. "I told you I wouldn't bounce off the walls."

They slung their arms around each other and sauntered out of the dojo.

"But," Donatello said, "I am limiting you to two cups of coffee a day until we figure out your tolerance levels. I'll be the control. You keep experimenting under my strict supervision."

"Hey, as long as there's chocolate in it, I'm your science bro, bro!"

"You know, I could ask April to buy a chocolate protein shake, that way you'll also be getting vital nutrients and amino acids. Tyrosine, taurine, and inositol have been shown to help alleviate seizures and migraines."

"Man, Donnie, you are so smart. Hey, wanna go skateboarding later?"

"Absolutely! We can test your physical reflexes – and your telekinetic reflexes at that. Who knows what you could do with an actual attention span."

"Pfft. Love you too, Brainiac."

Still standing like statues in the dojo, the rest of the family blinked at each other.

Raphael was the first to speak. "Did…did Donnie just scientifically prove that giving Mikey coffee was the way to make him stop bouncing off the damn walls?"

Leonardo drew in a deep breath. "I am now both intrigued and afraid to go into battle with Mikey like that."

"I suppose," said Splinter, "that it really is true how the most unexpected ideas are the best solutions."

Moments later, from outside the lair, two voices joyfully screamed "Booyakasha!" followed by Donatello yelling, "Best! Experiment! Ever!"

(Author's Note: I got inspired to write this after I created my first "chocolate coffee smoothie" and realized how calm and settled my brain felt. I can't take ADHD meds if I'm on epilepsy meds, since ADHD meds can cause seizures, so I've been looking into Ayurveda herbs and amino acid supplements. And caffeine. Caffeine works too! I just make sure to take just enough, along with some other supplements like omega-3 and vinpocetine, and it's been quite helpful so far.)