Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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Fandom: Sons of Anarchy

Pairing: Jax and Tara

Setting: Season 1/Episode 13 'The Revelator'

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When Jax first climbed onto his bike and took off, he had no idea where he was going to go. He was filled with so much self-loathing, knowing what he knew but seeing no choice than to keep it from his best friend. And at the moment it was clouding his mind from any rational thought, or at least so it seems, and all he could think of was to just drive.

So he drives, alone, just him, his bike, the cold wind in his long hair and the cigarette hanging from the right corner of his lips, the corner that isn't still bleeding.

The club he loves - the club he's devoted his whole life to - is falling apart before his very eyes. Clay and Tig thought Opie had turned rat, wanted him dead, and had tried to kill him, but in some tragic twist of fate they'd killed Donna by mistake instead.

And all of it without a club vote, without bringing it to the table, behind everyone's back. And then Clay had lied straight to his face, father to son, denying it all. But instead of creating deeper doubt and confusion, Clay's denial has somehow done the opposite, and Jax is finally able to see him for the liar that his step-father truly is. He is finally able to see the ugly truth!

But how is he supposed to come to terms with all of that? How is he supposed to sit at the same table as them? How is he supposed to climb onto his Harley tomorrow morning, and ride alongside Opie and the rest of them, to accompany Donna's body to the cemetery? He just can't, because the hatred he feels at this moment for Clay, and also Tig, is simply beyond measure and even outweighs his love for Ope.

Nothing makes sense anymore. The patch and what it once stood for is now representing nothing but lies and betrayal. And those lies are eating him alive as he continues to drive through the cold of the night by himself.

And then the stark realization hits him like a punch to the gut; he has nowhere left to go. No sanctuary to return to, to lick his wounds, - physical and emotional.

The thought of returning to the clubhouse at the moment seems unfathomable. He's just left Tig bloody and beaten back at the safe house, and he isn't sure what he'll do right now if he comes face to face with Clay, or even Tig again, in the state of mind he finds himself in right now.

But he can't bring himself to go home either, not after the mess he's made with Wendy ... again. It goes without saying that sleeping with her last night, after Donna died, was a mistake. He hadn't been in his right mind, he wasn't just hurting for Opie, but he was hurting himself. Donna had been his friend too, he's been there for her as much as he could through the five years Opie had been in Chino. He loved Donna in his own way!

And Wendy knew that too. He is no fool, he knew full well that Wendy was taking advantage of his moment of heartbreak and weakness when she took his hand and led him to the bedroom. And in turn he'd taken advantage of her as well, when he'd shut his mind off and sought solace in her. But that was all that it was, a moment of weakness, anything to quiet his mind and numb his heart from hurting the way it was, even just for a little while, no matter the consequences. His words to Tara earlier today come back to him now, twisting that knife of guilt that much further into his already bleeding heart, - it was just a sad time out!

But in the midst of it all, it happened all over again, like it always did, with anyone ... her blond hair had turned brown, her brown eyes were suddenly green, and her tanned skin turned almost porcelain in color when he closed his eyes and all he saw was someone else in his arms altogether. Tara! Always Tara!

It was always easier that way. And as they drifted off to sleep last night, and he dared to let his mind go back to Wendy, he felt like such a goddamn hypocrite, the more he thought about it. Because mere hours earlier he'd told Tara that he didn't want to do anything to set her off again. 'Look, Wendy's like a heartbeat sober,' - but his own words didn't seem to matter, Wendy's sobriety didn't seem to matter, when he'd fallen into bed with her, in his selfish need to feel anything other than what he was feeling in that moment.

But of course, like predicted, Wendy was hoping this was a new start for them, and wanted to try again. He had tried to tell her that all it had been was 'a hard night', but she begged for yet another chance. He knew in his heart that their relationship would lead nowhere in the end. 'We've been through way too much shit!' But he lied yet again, his guilt eating him up inside, and he let her believe that if she managed to stay clean, she stood a damn chance. What else could he really say to her, after all, she was like a heartbeat sober!

But now, with the wind mercilessly hitting his face, he can't help but think back on it all. All his own mistakes, his own fuck-ups, his own lies!

All the lies he'd told Wendy, and the truths he'd shared with Tara earlier today, and where it is all leading in the end. The woman he doesn't want is pushing to get closer, and the woman he desperately wants is pulling away!

When he'd gone to see Tara earlier at the hospital, he wasn't really sure what he thought to gain from it. He was worried, of course, after the way they'd left things the night before. And then there was also the guilt he was feeling for what had happened between Wendy and him.

But he supposed the real reason that had brought him back to her was that he just wanted to be in her presence. After seeing Opie hang onto Donna's bloodied body lying on the pavement before them, he just wanted to know that the woman he loved was still alive and breathing. Like the selfish asshole that he was. Shame on me!

Then Tara crushed him when she revealed her plans about going back to Chicago. And even though he knew he had no one to blame but himself, he still lost his cool in the sudden rush of panic that threatened to overwhelm him at the thought of really losing her yet again.

The difference in his feelings for Wendy and her couldn't have been more glaringly defined than they were at that very moment. There was simply no more denying them another second longer. They were screaming inside his head, demanding to be heard, demanding to let himself feel them, demanding to be let out. To let her in!

On one hand, he had Wendy, who was still his wife, the mother of his child, and who wanted nothing more than to be with him again. She was by far the easier choice because she wasn't capable of breaking his heart, since she has never truly had it in the first place.

And on the other hand, was Tara, who he'd hurt, more than she even knew at the moment, and she was ready to leave him yet again, and with it crushing all his hopes and dreams about a second chance with her. Because nothing and no one compared to her!

But how was she supposed to know that? How was she to know how he truly felt about her, when all he'd done was keep her in the dark about his true feelings, about 'whatever this is'?

So he had to speak up, had to speak his mind and tell her all he felt, because he'd regret it if he didn't and let her leave him yet again like she had eleven years ago. Keeping Tara at arm's length for the sake of his heart, not wanting to be hurt again, was simply not an option anymore, or he'd lose her for good this time.

So as he aimlessly drives around the streets of Charming, his mind goes back to her once more, and it shouldn't be a surprise when he finds himself pulling into her driveway again, like his bike had taken him here on its own accord.

He cuts the engine to his Harley, sitting still for just a moment, contemplating his next move as he finishes the last of his cigarette. The Cutlass isn't in the drive, the house is dark, and for a moment he fears she's already split, but then logic eases his mind, telling him that's unlikely, or at least he hopes it is.

All he knows is that he can't let that happen, can't let her leave town and his life again, not like this, but at the same time, he also knows he can't lie to her anymore either. He's dealt with enough lies for today, not wanting to juggle another one, one that he knows will ultimately come back to haunt him anyhow, knowing Wendy.

He steps onto the front porch, trying to peek inside, but there is nothing to be seen without a single light on. He walks around the side of the house, climbs over the old wrought iron fence, a wave of nostalgia hitting him square in the chest, and he feels like it's been a million years ago now since he'd done so as a teenager. He reaches the back patio door, the one that leads to the hallway that is right outside her bedroom door, the one she's sneaked him into countless times with her old man being none the wiser. This memory temporarily brings a sad smile to his face, times were simpler back then, and so much has happened since.

He looks around the small flowerbed to the right of the patio. At its prime it had been filled with plants and flowers that Tara herself had planted, but now it is nothing but overgrown weeds and dead grass. Just another visual reminder of how everything had gone to shit the moment she'd left the last time around!

It is dark, he can barely make out a thing, and the faint light coming from the screen of his old prepaid he is trying to use as a makeshift flashlight of some sort doesn't help in the least. So he has no choice but to simply feel his way through the shrubs, looking for the plastic faux rock that her dad had always kept a spare key in back in the days.

Jax actually smiles for a moment when he finally finds it, shaking it to ensure the key is still left inside, but suddenly hoping the locks haven't been changed in the past decade, or this dig through the dirt has all been for naught.

He swipes his hands down his jeans, wiping off the loose dirt, before he steps back onto the porch and tries his luck. The key fits in the lock, but barely budges at first, and it takes several tries of wiggling it back and forth before it finally turns all the way and does what it is intended for.

Jax slips the key down his jean pocket and closes the patio door behind him, before he ventures further into the dark house. He pushes the door to Tara's bedroom open further, the hinges creaking in the dark, flicks on the light to his right when he steps inside and is immediately confronted with his worst fucking fear. There, by the foot of the bed stand two packed bags already, and panic rises over him again, washing over him like a big wave threatening to swallow him whole at the mere sight of it.

A vision of her starting to pack the instant she'd gotten off of the phone with the hospital back in Chicago this morning begins to cloud his mind. Or maybe she started even as early as last night, after she'd stormed out of his house? She isn't one to procrastinate, that much is clear.

He has driven her to this, and if he'd just let her in right from the start, instead of keeping her in the dark, this wouldn't have happened. She would've never felt the need to kiss him like she did right there in front of Wendy, because she would've felt secure enough in their relationship. And she wouldn't have lashed out like she had, and in turn their fight and her running and him spending the night with Wendy would've never happened.

All of this is his fault, and his alone! How different things would've been had he come here last night instead? But what kind of father would he have been had he not returned back home the same night his newborn was spending his first night there as well.

Jax sighs deeply, at a momentary loss about what to do and sits down on the edge of the bed, lighting another cigarette, hoping it will ease some of the tension he is feeling, the panic that is clawing at him. He checks the time on his old prepaid, wondering if she is still at work this late ... and if not, then where the hell is she?

He takes another drag, gets up off the bed just to drop down to the ground, sitting with his back against the wall next to her closet, so he can use the palm plant sitting in the corner beside him as an ashtray, while he takes in her bedroom in silence again.

As his eyes roam the room, he can't help but think back on the countless hours he's spent with her in these four walls when they were teenagers, and despite his inner turmoil he finds himself smiling at the memory.

But then his smile falters just as fast again, thinking suddenly of the last time they'd made love in here just two nights ago. Jesus Christ, it has only been two goddamn nights ago? Why does it feel like it's been so much longer?

But it's true, it was just yesterday morning he'd woken up right here in this bed, with her securely in his arms, and his heart constricts painfully in his chest when he remembers her mumbling an 'I love you' against his chest while she'd still been half-asleep. Why the fuck didn't I say it back? Why did I hold back? Why?

X

When Tara had pulled up to the house tonight, she'd been looking for Jax, needing to elaborate on their conversation at the hospital earlier today. Yet his bike wasn't in the driveway, instead just Gemma's Caddy, and she quickly thought about turning around. But then the prospect that was standing guard outside the house had already seen her, so to save face she'd reluctantly gathered up the courage to step inside after all. Besides, she was missing Abel too.

She still feels embarrassed for the way she'd acted last night, and also for the way Jax has treated her after, pulling her aside in front of everyone and the argument that followed. It wasn't one of her finer moments, to say the least. She'd played right into Gemma's cards, she knows that now, but still, it has been humiliating, and yet here she is, apparently back for round number two.

No matter how hard she tries, she simply can't get Jax's words out of her head, how he only sees her when he is with anyone else. And also how he'd hoped her returning to Charming would mean a second chance for them. She just wished he would have opened up to her like that earlier, instead of waiting until the moment he thought he was losing her.

So now Tara sits awkwardly beside Wendy, watching Gemma pick up a sleeping Abel out of Jax's ex-wife's arms to carry him to bed. Correction, Wendy is still Jax's wife, and she herself is the intruder in this new little family, feeling more out of place in Jax's home right now than she has the nights she'd spend at the clubhouse lately.

The moment Gemma disappears out of sight, Wendy turns her attention towards her in a display of confidence she would've never expected the ex-junky to be capable of.

"Well, Abel's asleep now," Wendy says, keeping her voice level, her right hand absentmindedly playing with her oversized bracelets on her left arm as she looks at Tara with a fierceness she's never displayed before. "I get that you miss him, but I think you should go now." Gemma would be so proud!

Tara clears her throat, but never averts her eyes from Wendy's. "Actually, I think I'm gonna stick around. Wait for Jax." She says with as much dignity as she can muster, considering she feels like a fish out of water right now.

"Actually ..." Wendy repeats, "I think you should go." She turns towards her some more now, looking over at the brunette still sitting rather comfortably on the couch. "I realize Jax and you had a moment, but things are different now. He's still my husband, and we have a baby together now, and last night he made his choice."

Tara shakes her head, her cheeks slightly flushing as the embarrassment comes back to the surface. "I'm sorry for kissing him in front of you and everyone else last night, that was uncalled for, and the last thing I want to do is somehow set you off, make you fall off the wagon again. But that being said, Jax and I didn't just have a moment! I know Gemma might have you believe that you could get him back, but even you have to realize that that is just her playing you against me."

Wendy shakes her head now, looking down at her hands, and twisting her rings around her fingers. "I'm not an idiot, Tara, I'm well aware of the games Gemma plays." She looks back up at her then, and Tara could swear she can see a touch of guilt flicker in the other woman's eyes. "But this isn't about that, it's about me and Jax. I'm sorry that I'm the one who has to tell you this, but last night, we spent the night together. We reconciled, and I'm gonna put in some time at the sober living place, and we're gonna try to make it work. Jax agrees that we owe it to Abel, to our son to at least try."

Tara quickly stands, not wanting to let Wendy see the tears she can already begin to feel surfacing in her eyes now, and without another word nor look back, she simply heads for the door.

She hurries to her car and peels out of the drive, burning rubber as she speeds away faster than she probably should. But she doesn't want to risk still being here when Jax shows up anymore. Doesn't want to see the both of them as some united front like yesterday in the hospital, while he confirms what Wendy has just said. I'm so stupid ... How could I have been so fucking stupid?

X

He can hear the front door unlock and open, just as he stubs out the last of his cigarette into the moistened ground of the oversized potted plant beside him. The moment of truth is here, he thinks to himself as he scrambles back to his feet to head towards the living room, meeting her halfway.

"Jax?" Tara calls into the darkness of the home the instant she steps inside after seeing his motorcycle parked outside her house. Since he isn't sitting on her front porch waiting, she's assumed he's found a way to get in.

"I'm here." He answers in the same moment she finally flicks the lights on in the living room, and they both freeze in place when their eyes meet across the small space.

She is taken back for a second by his busted up, bloodied lip, and the doctor, the healer in her, wants to reach out to him and fix him right up. But she bites back the urge to help him when the sorrow and embarrassment she's just felt leaving his house is suddenly replaced by hot boiling anger.

"Breaking and entering? Really? You know the last guy that did that got shot." She sneers coldly, as she carelessly, almost violently throws her bag down on the couch beside her.

Jax is clearly taken aback, not just by her mind-boggling and uncharacteristic joke over the man they've killed together, but also by the stone-cold tone to her voice when she's said it. He doesn't understand where the sudden distance that he can so clearly feel between them has come from.

He runs a hand through his long disheveled hair, his eyebrows furrowing in concern when he tries to answer her in a level tone of voice. "It's not breaking in when you've got a key." He says and produces the key out of his pocket for her to see.

"Give me that," Tara snaps, and quickly snatched it out of his hand, yet careful enough to not touch him in the process, only to toss it onto the marble coffee table with a clank instead.

"What do you want?" She asks, same cold tone of voice and a blatant sense of impatience mixed into it now as well.

"I need to talk to you," Jax answers, looking at her with narrowed eyes, clearly baffled by the way she is acting towards him right now.

Earlier at the hospital, he could see that she at least felt some guilt about wanting to leave him again. And he'd foolishly thought that after everything he'd admitted, it might've even swayed her, and make her rethink her decision to leave, but right now, the opposite seemed to be the case.

Tara folds her arms in front of herself, and shakes her head before she says, "I don't think there's anything left to say here, Jax. I've heard enough for tonight." Seeing him standing here bring his words from earlier in the hospital back to her mind again, but with it comes the revelation Wendy has just shared with her barely ten minutes ago. Sadly, it makes everything he's said to her obsolete. Actions speak louder than words after all!

Well, considering how hostile she is already acting towards him, at least he knows that he truly has nothing left to lose by telling her the whole truth.

So he hangs his head, in defeat and in shame, when he takes a seat on the armrest of the old tan colored chair, ignoring her words altogether when he decides to tell her what he's come here to say. "Look, last night was a hard night, I watched my best friend cling to the dead body of his wife, the mother of his kids, and it crushed me, Tara."

Tara was just about ready to throw him out, but his words now cause her pause, and her facial features soften a bit upon hearing the sound of sincerity and utter heartbreak in his voice when he spoke. So she remains quietly standing across from him, arms still folded in a show of defense.

"I was upset, ... really messed up by the time I got home last night, and ... and I fucked up." He suddenly looks up at her then, his eyes pleading with hers. "I made a big mistake ... I slept with Wendy, and I'm so sorry."

"Okay," Tara answers quickly, shrugging her shoulders in the most nonchalant way she can muster, refusing to humiliate herself in front of yet another person tonight. Her face is downright stoic, after all, she already knows, so it is a hell of a lot easier now to react more dignified than when Wendy has filled her in on what had happened between her and Jax.

His apology doesn't even register with her, nor that he's just referred to last night as 'a big mistake', because all she can hear are Wendy's words repeating in her head. So she now braces herself for him to go on and share the same news with her, that Wendy and he will be giving their relationship another go for the sake of their son.

"Okay?" Jax repeats her response. His tone is full of confusion and uncertainty, and it brings her out of her thoughts, ready to go on the offense now.

"You don't owe me an explanation about what you're doing and with whom. There's no reason for you to be telling me this. Please just go." It takes every ounce of willpower she possesses to not fall apart all over again right now, especially considering the look on his face as he's staring back at her. There's that same flash of disbelief and panic in his eyes reflecting back at her now, that she's seen earlier in the hospital, but she can't let it get to her. She won't. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it.

He doesn't like the way she sounds, and it cracks his already broken heart that much further open thinking she doesn't even care anymore. He hates that she has apparently written him off already, but if Donna's death has taught him anything, it's that you never know when your time will be up, and so he isn't leaving until he said what he came here to say. Lay all his cards on the table, so that at the very least he'll have no regrets about what she is concerned when things don't turn out the way he hoped they would. "I'm telling you this, because I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to go back to Chicago. But I also don't want there to be some secret between us when we start over, that's why I told you the truth ... and that is what I want, Tara, I wanna start this part over with you, give us a real second chance."

This is everything she's wanted to hear him say since the moment they've ended up in bed together the night of Kohn's death. She had wanted him to commit to her, to this relationship, instead of leaving her in this undefined state of limbo he'd so dismissively called 'whatever this is', but now it seems like it is too late. He's saved her from Kohn, and she'll always be grateful for that, but he's also gone and broken her heart too!

Tara stands there, her eyes downcast now when she tries to swallow away the lump that has formed in her throat.

Jax watches her from just a few feet away, still perched on the edge of the chair, and he can see the reluctance and hurt in the features of her face and the stance of her body. He waits, hoping she'll say something in response, but then he takes that wish back the moment she finally speaks.

"I think ..." Her voice breaks for just a split second, so she stops to quickly clear her throat. She takes a deep breath, then lifts her head to meet his eyes again, and seeming more determined she finishes her sentence. "I think you should go home, Jax, to your wife and your son."

His heart cracks wide open at the meaning of her words, and the determination in them. But there is no way in hell he is leaving now, leaving her like that. He just can't leave things between them like this, because she has it all backward, whether she stays or goes back to Chicago, Wendy and him are through. "Wendy and I are done, babe." Because she's not you!

"Sure." She replies nodding, her tone of voice condescending, yet there's a sad smile on her face now when she looks back at him.

"Don't do that." Jax suddenly stands, finally losing his cool when he just can't sit here and take another minute of her acting like she doesn't give a damn. He simply can't stand the thought of her not caring about him again. "You left me, shattered my heart into a million pieces, and then grounded the shards into the ground when you never even looked back! So I bought a house, and married Wendy … and I built a whole life, just to prove to everyone that I didn't love you anymore. That I didn't need you, that I didn't want you and that I didn't miss you anymore. But the truth is that I do, Tara! I need you, and I want you, and I miss you and ... I love you! And I'm so fucking tired of pretending that I don't." He steps up closer to her now, stopping right in front of her, and his voice is quieter again when he adds, "Please ... stay!"

Tara shakes her head and averts her eyes, tears pooling in them now and her voice rises an octave when she speaks, "Gemma hates me, and then there's Wendy ... you have a son with her. It'll never work."

"I don't give a shit about Gemma or Wendy, this isn't about them, it's about us ... we can make this work, babe, I promise." He reaches for her shoulders, trying to draw her closer but she flinches away, taking a step back towards the front door.

She looks up at him then, seeing the hurt expression in his eyes when she pulled away from his touch. "I love you too, Jax. I always have and I always will. But I need to think about this. I guess it's my turn to take a minute." She opens the front door now, holding it open in a wordless request for him to leave.

"Yeah." The word comes out sounding raspy, his throat full of emotions he can barely contain, so he just nods at her. The hurt and pain are showing openly on his face when he zips his grey hoodie back up. But on his way out the door he stops short, and before she can stop him his hand is curled around the back of her neck and he presses a kiss to her forehead. Then he's just gone and she's left with her jumbled thoughts and her prickling skin, caused by his simple touch.

X

He has nowhere left to go to tonight, so he stops at the nearest liquor store on his way to the cemetery, where he'll crash and spend the night, waiting for Donna's funeral procession to take place the next morning.

He might as well spend the night among the dead, because right now, that is how he feels inside! Nothing compares to her, and without her, he might as well be dead!

X

Author's Note: I've had this piece saved for some time, it just needed some touching up before I could post it. I always felt like there was a scene missing between them before they met again at Donna's funeral and this is basically my take on that scene. I hope you like it, and if you do, please leave me a few words. Thank you.