(1.6) Blame
-x-o- Stef -x-o
I watched her closely as soon as the words left my mouth and traveled into her ears. She slowly looked up weary with her big brown eyes staring at mine. "There is no mending anything." She finally spoke and I sighed. "You can't fix this, Stefanie!"
"Well, let's see if I can." I answered back softly and she shook her head at me like a stubborn child would which warmed my heart a little. "With what I am about to tell you." I added as I pulled my hair back from my face and relaxed my body.
"You are going to tell me that you didn't murder my Dad and you think I would have magically forgiven you in the space of a few minutes, right?" She said with a sass in her tone and a weak smile on her face then shook her head as she folded her arms across her chest.
"You are wrong and yeah, you probably won't forgive me any time soon." I answered her as I leaned back into the chair. "It is about your Dad though." She raised her eye brow at me and I weakly smiled at her.
"I know everything about my Dad, thank you." She answered back and I shook my head.
"No, you don't." I whispered softly as I sat forward as I caught her gaze again. "I sheltered you a lot from the truth, sweets to protect you."
"There is no way-"
"Please, just listen to me for once." I pleaded to her and she stopped then just looked at me with shock. "There were things that you just never knew about him because I didn't want you to ever look at him in a bad light."
"I could never look at him in a bad light." She whispered as she crossed her legs as she sat on her bed and I nodded with a smile on my face. "He was my everything."
"He isn't the person you thought he was, baby girl." I whispered softly to her and she shook her head again at me. "He was a terrible, terrible person."
"It seems like you are a painting him as a terrible person so you can look like a saint in all this." Callie rolled her eyes and sighed loudly.
"No, Callie!" I shook my head with a desperate tone in my voice. "I am about to tell you everything which will explain mostly everything if you just stop jumping down my throat every time I try to tell you something."
"I am standing up for him because he cannot." She sat up straighter and was looking really bitter towards me. "He isn't to blame for why you shot him. He was innocent!"
"Yes!" I nodded to that. "He was innocent and so was I! I am not to blame either." I whispered the last sentence softly and saw that Callie looked away with a sigh. "He.. He was a drug addict, sweetie." She looked back at me with widen eyes. "He was hardly almost never was home with us.. He took all our savings so he could buy drugs and sell drugs. He.. He wasn't the person you remember baby."
"Stop trying to make my Dad seem so bad!"
"Cal-"
"No, Stefanie!" She yelled as she got up and stood in front of me. "He was my Daddy."
"I know, baby-"
"There is no way in hell because he was always there."
"That is what you remember." I whispered as I stood up and took her hands into mine. "He was a great father to you when he wasn't high or even thinking of drugs. That part is true, please he was such a great father and I am not denying that."
"You better not be dissing him in front of me as he is dead in his grave." She pushed me away and walked over to her window still to look out the window. "He was all I asked for in a father."
"I am so glad you think that." I whispered as I laid my eyes around the room then went back to my daughter. "Because you know it wasn't his fault and he really just needed help which I was trying to sort out for him."
"But instead you shot him." She whispered softly under her breath still staring out the window and I sighed heavily but trying to stay patient.
"Baby-"
"I am not your goddamn baby so just stop calling me that." She looked back at me with anger filled eyes and I shook my head as I tried to smile a little at her.
"You will always be my little baby, sweets." I laughed and she crossed her arms then stared outside again. "He needed help and I was in the progress of sorting out rehab for him. I never wanted him out of our lives, sweetie." I got up and walked slowly towards her but stopped at a sensible length. "I never wanted you to.. To not have both of us. That was not an option or what I was planning to do."
"Okay." She whispered as she looked back at me with a glare. "Then, you tell me what you were doing that day." I swallowed and nodded to that glad she was wanting to hear.
"That day I made the bank accounts in my name strictly which only lets me take out money and use the bank cards." I started and went slowly so she could process the day as best as she could. "Then, I was going to go home and call the rehab place that I heard good things about but then I ran into your Dad and he was angry."
"Why?"
"He found out I locked him out of the bank accounts and I tried to explain it to him." I whispered softly and she looked at me with a soften face. "We fought then walked back to the apartment and there was a man that I had never met in my life but Mike did."
"So, you are telling me-"
"Let me finish, Callie." I interrupted her and she nodded. "He was a drug dealer and he was waiting for Mike to give him the money that Mike was trying to get from the bank accounts. I looked at Mike in shock but there was more shock when the guy pulled out the gun and shot then ran leaving me with the gun and your Dad laying there fighting to stay alive." Tears were rolling down both of our eyes and for the first time, I didn't see any hatred in Callie's face just confusion and sadness.
"You sounded so genuine." She whispered as I took a seat on Mariana's bed speechless and I just nodded as tears rolled down my eyes. "You aren't lying."
"No." I simply answered and she sat on the bed too but leaving space between us still. We sat there in silence then I turned my head to look at Callie. "I know that you were only 6 years old and you spend so many years with this burden that I had caused but I just want to know if there is any way we can move on without this burden effecting us.."
"I don't know." She answered after a short silence and looked at me with such a tired face. "I am just not sure if I am ready to have you in my life." I nodded as I took her hand with a small smile on my face.
"When you are ready or even when you are never ready, just know that I love you so much and I loved your father too." I assured her and she took her hand to place on my hand. "Thank you for giving me a chance to tell you my truth and I am sure we will find our way back to each other." She sighed and nodded.
"I am sure we will too." She whispered so softly that I could barely hear it but knew it was said. "I already feel like there is a weight lifted from me." I nodded as she let go of my hands and offered a smile which I returned.
"I think.. I think it was too much for me to come straight here to live and I think it will be for the best for me to go somewhere else for a bit." I spoke softly and Callie nodded. "I should of done that from the start but I am glad we have spoken now." I stood up to walk out the door but Callie's voice stopped me.
"Mama?" My gaze went back to her and I smiled at her. "I am glad you are choosing to go away for a bit because I know we both need time to process all of this." I nodded.
"That's why I am doing what is best for you and not what's best for me." I then walked out to let Lena know what happened and what is going to happen.