Alexis awoke with a start, her heart pounding as she tried not to let the scream strangled in her throat loosen itself. She'd escaped the clutches of an unknown nightmare, and her eyes wheeled around the bedroom to make sure that she was indeed at home in Grammercy Park with Shane asleep beside her. Slumping back against the pillows, she turned on her side to brush her hand over his shoulder in self-reassurance that everything was just fine.

Stupid hormones and medication, she thought miserably. She could still feel the dregs of the hospital dope in her system making her head all weird. Fortunately for her, Alexis knew it was temporary and that more than likely all those beautiful, strong, seemingly perfect and unconquerable women in her life who were mothers had gone through this scared-shitless feeling too.

Unable to get back to sleep just yet, and as it was close to Petra's late-night feeding anyways, Alexis rose and went into the kitchen to make tea. Maybe it had been her time living in England that made tea always feel like the logical answer to soothing her restless nerves. As the water boiled, she went to the living room, looked out the window. She loved this apartment, so much; it was the same apartment Shane had been in when they'd first begun dating. Laughing a little Alexis went to the couch, remembering how she sat there so nervous the first time she'd gone home with him. Now she was nervous for entirely different reasons.

It was easy to be confident when she was around everyone telling her that she was doing a great job, but later on, when she had these quiet moments to herself, it was impossible to ignore those nasty little voices in her head. Part of her knew it was just the hormones playing on her insecurities as a new mom, but holy hell all she could think of right now was the crushing responsibility of it.

Petra would look to her first and foremost to be the strong female example in her life. That was a huge order to fill, and what happened when Alexis herself had a bad day, or she had her period back and her hormones were making her snappy? What if she made her child cry because she'd yelled at her? What if she screwed up her child so much she needed therapy where Alexis would be blamed for every single little thing that had gone wrong in her life? What if things ended up like they did with Lanie and her mother, who didn't so much as send an email once a year, nevermind engage in the fun family things her family was used to?

God, she needed to breathe, Alexis thought with a glance towards her keys in the dish by the door; maybe a quick walk down the street to the twenty-four-seven cafe would help clear her mind of all these horrible demons. Perhaps it ha been all those questions running through her mind when she'd been asleep that had caused her to wake up with her heart feeling like it would pound clean out of her chest.

The whistling of the teakettle brought her out of the morass of her mind; while she went through the motions of making tea Alexis thought of the day ahead of her. Quality time with Shane and Petra and getting things done around the house. They'd only been home from the hospital a week and there was still the catch-up from that which needed to be done - laundry, the groceries, maybe a little dusting. She didn't want to vacuum in case Petra was concerned by the noise; Alexis laughed as she remembered the stories from Meredeth how Tessi could sleep through a rainstorm with Artie standing guard at the window and growling like a dump-truck at the thunder while a sneeze from the beloved dog was enough to have the twins wake into fretful whimpers.

Alexis took her tea to the living room, pulled her iPod from her pocket. It was almost two am, which meant Petra would be waking soon for her feeding so rather than going back to bed, Alexis opened her Ledger crossword app to work on the Sunday puzzle from a few days ago. She'd managed to complete seven more clues before she heard Petra stir in her crib, which had Alexis getting to her feet straight away.

'Hello my little rock-star,' she cooed quietly, felt her heart rush full with love when Petra's dark blue eyes tracked her voice, her little arms wiggling about. 'Hey, you're hungry, I bet aren't you? Yeah, you are.'

'Lex?'

Alexis glanced over her shoulder, saw Shane there. 'Hey, it's okay, I'm just going to feed her. Go back to bed.'

'Nice try, my sweet little strawberry. I saw the water's already boiled for her bottle so it's currently warming up. You need some sleep before you're on breakfast shift.'

Shane came over, wrapped his arms around her. He could sense the tension; They'd been together long enough for him to know when he needed to back off, as much as it might contradict every instinct he had about his wife.

Despite the slight gnaw in his belly, when she turned to him with a lightly teasing smile Shane knew it was indeed the right call. 'You're really determined to stick with this whole, one for me one for you thing aren't you?'

'I'm used to having screw body time since I work shift work, but while I'm home I am here to be a co-parent and life partner. Being good at it means the responsibilities are fifty-fifty. Now, are we gonna stand around and debate who is the more committed new parent or you gonna make up a few more bottles so that Petra and I can nosh together later?'

'Well when you put it that way,' she laughed, and gave him a sweet kiss. 'Thanks.'

'For what?'

'You know what.'