Shane sat on the couch, his right leg shaking like a paint mixer, as he heard the muffled sounds of Alexis' crying. He hadn't heard her sob like that since Jim Harvey's funeral, and it was killing him inside that he could only sit here and listen to it. Part of him wanted to rip the nursery doors off and take Alexis and Petra away from all this pain but he knew that Lanie's quiet talking method was the far more productive - and saner - approach.

When the door did open, Lanie had Petra in her arms while Alexis walked out like a refugee of a hurricane, eyes glazed and red. She looked up at Shane and launched herself into his arms, tears pouring down her face once more.

'I'm so sorry,' she whispered against his shoulder, felt his strong steady hands come up and touch her hair. 'Shane, I'm so sorry.'

'This is not your fault, Lex, this isn't something you actively caused,' Shane told, but Alexis was shaking her head.

'What if I did? What if I brought this all on myself, that it's just my stupid ego thinking I'm the centre of attention, like I did with the wedding?'

'Alexis that wasn't ego, baby,' Lanie said gently, prodding her towards the couch so she could sit with her husband. 'That was us not realizing how bad things were getting for you because we only saw you being wonderful. We love you, and we've all had our ugly moments where we needed our friends to see we're very vulnerable human beings.'

'I'm not allowed to be that way,' Alexis murmured, threading her fingers with Shane's. 'I'm Alexis, I'm supposed to be perfect.'

'Lex-'

'Shane, let her talk,' Lanie advised him, then stood up to make tea.

'I have the potential to be a great mom, Shane, I know I do and I'm so terrified that the moment I make a mistake or something happens to Petra everyone will look at me and go, well of course that was bound to happen.'

'They won't...' Shane cut himself off, switched tactics. 'What kind of thing?'

'Like having the baby's diaper come loose and crap ends up every, literally, or I can't tell the difference between sunburn and scarlet fever, or what if she has an allergy and I feed her something that makes her sick?'

'Okay, okay.'

'I'm the mom, I'm supposed to know all of those things and I don't know them at all,' Alexis wept, shaking her head; on anyone else it could have been melodramatic, even attention seeking but this was Alexis and both Shane and Lanie knew how truly awful Alexis must be feeling if this was the only way she could think to express herself.

'I think you know more than you give yourself credit for,' Shane murmured to her. 'It's also why we have doctors that specialize in looking after our babies.'

'Lex, you are already off to a great start.' Lanie back as the kettle boiled away on the stove, sat on the table so she could put a supportive hand on her friend's knee. 'I saw the little charts and journal book in the nursery to keep track of her sleep and eating habits. That's a great plan if you feel scared.'

'You guys never had to do that,' Alexis sniffled, and Lanie burst out laughing.

'Alexis, sweetie, none of us knew what we were doing. At all. Do you know how many times I needed to read First Steps just to remind myself that Carey was doing exactly what he was supposed to do? And what kind of freak out do you think I had when I saw he had mismatched eyes, especially after I'd had that fall?'

Alexis hadn't thought of that, shook her head. 'It wasn't your fault Lanie.'

'Exactly. That was just Carey's DNA, just like Dell having diabetes or Max having eye sight issues. None of us were prepared to figure out how to comfort our kids about that, we had to make it up as we went along by going with our guts. They are called maternal instincts for a reason.'

'How do I know mine are good enough?'

'Because you love your baby, and Petra loves you back, and you are good enough for her.'

Alexis gave a little sob, pressed the back of her hand to her lips as she broke down again. 'Shane,' she said, leaning against his shoulder, 'next week is Petra's two-month check-up, and I wanna talk to Doctor Bishop. I want to fix this, I want to enjoy being with my baby and not worrying about my family judging me.'

'I'm sure he'd know of some good counselors, and you know our family will be there to support you and me-'

'No.' Alexis sat up ramrod straight. 'No, they can't know about this.'

'Yes, Alexis, they can,' Lanie told her in her quietly maternal tone. 'They will want to help you.'

'By telling me what to do.'

'No, by telling you their own stories of how they went through the same feelings.' She reached over, clasped Alexis' hand tight. 'You're not losing your mind trying to be the best, you're just trying to be super mom.'

'Thanks Lanie.' Alexis blew out a breath, saying nothing when Lanie went to attend the whistling tea kettle; she sat with Shane quietly until Lanie brought back the pot of Earl Grey and three cups. 'I don't know what to do from here.'

'Cuddling your daughter might help.'

'Yeah. Yeah, it would.'

Shane kissed his wife, then stood up to bring Petra out to her mother. When Alexis saw her little girl in her adorable green and white onsie, fingers wiggling like she was going to play the piano, she felt her heart lighten for the first time since waking that morning. She held out her arms, and as Petra smiled at her she knew however dark this moment was, she would get through it.