Notes:

I'm starting to realize that this story I've written sort of mirrors the pacing of some Yaoi mangas, where each chapter is a little separate story that addresses a different question. In this respect, each one could sort of be its own stand alone story, but they all work together to build on the development of an overarching relationship. Hope you guys enjoy XD

"It sucks now that everyone knows," Eren grumbled, shaving a bit of lemon peel into his martini.

"Why?" Levi asked.

"Because I'm so horny," Eren whispered. "But if we leave early everyone will know what we're up to."

Levi set down his drink and stared into Erwin's frontroom with a thoughtful expression on his face. "One of us could pretend to be wasted, so the other one would have to take them home."

"But it's only seven..."

"Yeah, but maybe you didn't eat dinner because you came here straight from your spring class."

"They all know I always grab Subway on my way off campus."

"Well, what if I get called into work last minute and you have to drive me?" Levi eyed Eren's glass. "You haven't had that much yet, have you?"

Eren made a face. "You're way too good at lying."

"Only when I'm given a reason to be."

Eren sighed. "I just want your cock, I don't care how, but I—"

Before Eren had finished his sentence Levi was dragging him by the arm into the pantry. The door shut behind them with a soft click.

"Levi!" Eren blurted, half-resisting, half-assisting Levi to undo Eren's pants. "They're right there!"

"Just keep it down."

"What are you—AH!" Eren cried, as Levi pulled out Eren's cock and began stroking it. The tip was already moist with precum. Levi stood up and stepped around so that he was behind Eren, touching the boy from behind.

"You weren't lying," Levi muttered in Eren's ear. "You are horny."

"Levi," Eren moaned, reaching forward and gripping a shelf for support. A package of instant rice tumbled to the floor, making a sound like somebody dropping a maraca.

"Relax," Levi cooed, quickening his pace slightly. "Imagine I'm inside you."

"I want that," Eren breathed.

"Imagine how it would feel," Levi continued, pressing his hips into Eren's ass. "You can feel how hard I am, can't you?"

Eren nodded mutely.

"I would bend you over and fuck you until you could hardly stand."

"Levi..."

"Everyone would hear us."

"Ah... Ah..."

"And I'd come inside you like the bitch that you are," Levi intoned roughly. Eren exploded in Levi's hand, pulsing and spasming until at last all that remained was his panting. It seemed to resonate inside Levi's very mind, isolated within the space of the cramped, stuffy pantry.

"Feeling better?"

Eren nodded. "For now." He glanced down at Levi's crotch. "What about you?"

Levi smiled a little. "I can wait."

"Are you sure?"

"Either way, I think we've reached our time limit for hiding out amongst Erwin's foodstuffs."

The two of them returned to their stations in the kitchen and resumed mixing their martinis with forced nonchalance. Levi gave his hands a quick rinse in Erwin's sink.

"Hey..." Eren asked quietly.

"Yes?"

"How did you get me off so fast?"

"What do you mean?"

"It was almost like you meant to."

"I did," Levi said bluntly. "I thought we went over this. A pantry is an awful place for prolonged lovemaking sessions."

"But how?"

"What do you mean, how?"

"Levi!" Eren exclaimed, clenching his fists. "I don't know these things. I've only ever been with you, remember? I want you to explain it to me."

Levi furrowed his brow. He could tell by the kid's body language that he wasn't going to give up easily. Whenever those fists got balled up like that, it was a sign that Levi had better acquiesce if he didn't wish to engage in a full-scale dispute. Besides, Eren had a point... if Levi was Eren's first, and Levi wanted Eren to himself, didn't that make Levi in some ways responsible for Eren's sexual education? Who else was going to answer these intimate questions as long as Eren stayed by Levi's side?

"It's all about rhythm," Levi explained quietly. "I've learned that instead of trying to perform, you have to listen. I listened to your body and did my best to match my pace to what it needed. I guess it worked."

Eren nodded interestedly. Then, his expression darkened. "How did you learn that kind of thing?"

"With myself." After a moment Levi sighed. "And yes, with other people. But does it really matter?"

"I guess not." Eren frowned, running a finger mindlessly around the rim of his glass.

At that moment Erwin sauntered into the kitchen and began ransacking the fridge for olives. When he found there were none, he went to look in the pantry and Levi became distracted by the matter of whether or not he and Eren had left behind any incriminating clues. Thankfully for their sake, Erwin was in no way as exacting about his housekeeping as Levi, and he overlooked the bag of rice that had tumbled to the ground. The olives were retrieved, more martinis were crafted, and the issue of Eren's displeasure was left entirely unaddressed.

Eren, however, was still steeped in his youth, and was not yet mature enough to let these kinds of things go. Perhaps it was more that he wasn't yet jaded enough to give up. He truly believed that by pursuing the issue, he was bound to discover a satisfactory solution. The only problem is that remedying one's sexual jealousy is never as simple as, say, patching up a spat between friends. An apology cannot be issued, mostly because an apology is not warranted. Levi had done nothing wrong by being older than Eren and having had sex with other people before they met, but still, Eren felt an odd bitterness towards Levi ever since their conversation.

"I want you to delete your ex from Facebook," Eren announced one day. "And that other girl you told me about who likes you."

"Samantha?" Levi asked dubiously. "But we haven't spoken in over a year."

Eren crossed his arms. "I don't care."

Levi shrugged. What did it really matter, as long as he had Eren? He deleted them right then and there for the boy to see, and for a while, it seemed to pacify him.

But then the interrogations began.

Eren wanted to know every single detail of Levi's past. Levi, never being one to talk openly about his life, found the whole thing agonizing. He did his best to explain how it didn't matter how many people he'd had one night stands with, it was all irrelevant now. He loved Eren. Eren was his only one. Levi had never been a cheater, so Eren had nothing to worry about.

Still Eren pushed on. The kid seemed possessed by something not altogether practical. It was like Levi was watching a storm raging across a valley. Although Eren's questions all pertained to Levi, Levi wasn't actually involved. The storm raged inside Eren and Eren alone. Levi only hoped that once it blew over, Eren would still have an interest in keeping Levi around. It was unnerving, not knowing what part of his past was going to be cross-examined next. Sometimes he even wondered if it would be better to lie, but he didn't dare lest Eren find out and redouble his resentments as a result.

One afternoon in July Levi and Eren were sitting in a cafe. It was almost thirty-five degrees outside and a dense cloud covered the city, locking in an exhausting humidity. It felt like they were living inside a gigantic sauna. Levi sprawled on one of the couches and Eren sat on a chair, sipping an iced latte. They were both miserable.

"I can't take this anymore," Levi muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing I say helps. It feels like you're going to be unhappy with me until the end of time."

"That isn't my fault."

"Then who's fault is it?"

"I don't know."

Levi reached for a glass of water then thought better of it. His stomach was still aching from the takeout they'd had for lunch.

"I've shared every detail from my past with you. I've deleted everyone you wanted me to off social media. I even told that one girl who was hitting on me that you were my boyfriend."

Eren bristled with irritation. It was almost like he saw the logic in what Levi was saying, but hated Levi for pointing it out.

"I've been thinking," Levi sighed. "It might be time for you to sleep with someone else."

"WHAT?" Eren exclaimed.

"It's the only way that we could ever even the ground."

"Levi—"

"Sure, it wouldn't be the greatest for me," Levi continued, the tips of his eyebrows raising slightly, "but once you did it maybe you could finally see that these things don't fucking matter."

Or, you'll fall in love with somebody else and leave me, Levi thought to himself. You'll finally see how boring and useless and depressing I am and you'll move on to someone more suitable.

"Why would you even suggest that?" Eren asked, clearly dismayed. "It isn't an option."

"I just want to get you off my back," Levi barked, stung by his own internal catastrophizing.

Eren scowled. "If I'm being such a nuisance, I'll leave."

And he did. But no matter how many bickers the two of them had, no matter how many times Eren walked out on a date, leaving Levi alone to contemplate his sorrows—or visa-versa—they couldn't keep away from one another for very long. Through a series of apologetic phone-calls, teary late-night cab rides, or long walks back to Levi's apartment, they almost always ended up tangled together in Levi's bed, gasping and writhing in one position or another.

"I hate you," Eren moaned one night, bent over as Levi pulled out from behind. Levi grabbed a handful of tissues and proceeded to clean Eren off.

"I hate how much I need you," Eren continued, wringing a pillow with two hands. "I wish you'd just go away!"

Levi stared down at the boy emotionlessly.

Eren stilled his movements and gazed back. "What?"

"You think I don't feel the same way?" Levi asked slowly. "You think you're the only one who could be hurt by this?"

"What are you talking about?"

Levi stood up and walked out of the room.

What irritated Levi most was that everything was unfolding as expected. This was how life worked. People fell in love and then they wrecked it. Divorce rates were through the roof. People seldom stayed together for longer than a few years, and if they did, they were probably miserable anyway. In truth, Levi had never really expected him and Eren to last. He wanted them to. He wanted them to with every fibre of his being, but he also recognized that the odds were seriously against them. What was the likelihood that a lonely artist and a pampered rich boy could stay together if nobody else could?

Eren was just so incredible. He was gorgeous, talented, and popular. He was only nineteen years old. He had so much to offer other people. It seemed almost absurd to think that he would be with Levi for the rest of his life.

Levi, on the other hand, had always been broken—so broken that he had little pride left. Someone else might have dumped Eren on the principle that the boy was becoming annoying, but Levi truly didn't care. He didn't care about much. All he knew was that when Eren was around, Levi was happier than ever before. He preferred spending time with an angst-ridden Eren to no Eren at all.

But pride was different from self-preservation. If Eren's angst meant that he was going to dump Levi on his ass, then that was another story.

Levi ruminated on it for hours when he was at work, when he was at home, and even when he was painting. The gloomy landscapes within his mind were a perfect match for his gloomy subject matter. He sculpted derelict houses out of acrylic and wondered if Eren was becoming tired of him. He painted leafless shrubs and crooked trees and postulated that the true reason for Eren's anxiety was discontent; that the boy was merely masking his boredom with jealousy in order to avoid the inevitable—that one day, he would leave Levi and go fuck all those other sexier people he'd always wanted to but hadn't been able to since he hadn't come out of the closet yet.

What's stopping him now? Levi wondered. Now that he knows his parents don't care...

For the most part the secret was out. Surely there were still a few groupies who refused to acknowledge it, but for everyone else, it was public knowledge that Levi and Eren's closeness went a bit beyond friendship. This was why, when Levi started taking Eren out to the gay clubs, their friends were perplexed. Neither Levi nor Eren were fans of pop music. The club scene wasn't exactly a place to make friends, and even if it had been, Levi and Eren were in no way lacking in that category. As it stood, they were already hard-pressed to meet the demands of their current friend group. So why did Levi feel it necessary to drag Eren out to these places?

The truth came out one night over drinks with Hange and Erwin. The three of them had definitely warmed to each other over the course of the summer. Unlike Levi and Eren, Hange and Erwin's relationship remained largely undeclared, but thankfully, the two of them seemed impervious to the drama typically associated with that kind of ambiguity.

"Let me get this straight," Hange asked, putting down her drink. "You want him to fuck someone else?"

Levi nodded.

"But why?"

"I've already explained it a hundred times," Levi snapped. "He's young. I can't keep him tied down forever. He doesn't even know what he wants."

"He told you this?" Erwin inquired.

"Well, no," Levi replied impatiently. "But he doesn't know how he actually feels. One day he'll look back and realize how much he's missed out on."

"I'm not so sure," Hange said. "It sounds like you're telling him what he should think."

"He's nineteen," Levi said bluntly. "I know what I thought about at that age."

Hange frowned.

Unbeknownst to her, Levi hadn't actually notified Eren of his plans. To Eren, he insisted that their trips to the gay bar were so that Levi could properly inform himself of gay culture. Eren seemed dubious at first, but after enough visits he eventually became used to it. His compliance was just another piece of evidence for his generally sociable nature. They made friends with drag queens and became favourites of the house DJ, who made them kiss him for requests. Both of them got hit on a fair amount, but at the end of the night, they always ended up back at Levi's apartment, curled up in each other's arms. It was wonderful and interesting and painful all at the same time. Even though Levi wanted Eren to branch out, he couldn't help but feel a sense of profound relief whenever the boy returned to him at the end of the night, all 'I love you's' and 'fuck me stupid's'.

Months passed and Levi began to hound Eren about open relationships and polyamory. Eren thought the ideas were preposterous. He didn't want anyone else but Levi. He said this hundreds of times, just as Levi had said to him, but Levi refused to relent. The problem was that Levi didn't believe him. How could the boy know what he wanted when he didn't have any experience?

Without realizing it, Levi had internalized Eren's insecurities as his own. Because Eren had placed an overblown sense of importance on Levi's sexual history, Levi began to overemphasize Eren's virginity. It seemed like all they ever talked about was sex in one form or another.

One night they bought a six pack of cider and Levi created an online dating account for Eren. Eren went along with it, mostly because Levi didn't give him a choice. But Levi was convinced that the boy's compliance meant something else—that Eren was finally beginning to come to terms with his subconscious yearnings.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Hange ridiculed, wandering around Levi's studio with folded arms. "I never took you for a masochist."

"I'm not. Can't you see what I'm up against?" Levi asked, daubing at the canvas angrily.

"I'm sorry. I don't."

"He agreed to go on a date with someone else this Saturday. Clearly it's what he wants."

"Anyone would have agreed if they'd been tortured by you for as long as he has," Hange protested. "You seriously never let up."

"Neither does he."

Hange sighed.

Once she was gone, Levi took out his phone and began composing a text message.

Can you please cancel the date.

The second it was typed out Levi closed his phone without sending it. It was the tenth time that morning he'd done a similar thing.

Love—what a stupid idea. The damn thing didn't exist. What most people called love was nothing but a convoluted amalgam of other, less gracious emotions, like lust, protectiveness, possessiveness, or dependency. These were things Levi could understand—but love? How was a person ever supposed to believe in it? It was like a fairytale or a religion. Nothing Levi had ever experienced motivated him to hold faith in such an elusive concept.

Well... until he had met Eren... but that was probably finished now.

The week passed by and Levi hardly ate. He refused to see Eren and responded to the boy's calls with vague texts. As Saturday drew near, Levi spent less time sleeping and more time painting. The subject matter of his work persisted in its darkness. Shaded foyers spilled out into vacant parkades. Pillars constructed of gears wrapped around hollow elevator shafts. Skeletal structures loomed in the distance.

Art was like an old friend, holding him up so that he didn't fully collapse beneath the burden of his own self. Art came about as close to a true friend as Levi had ever had. The only problem was that art couldn't hold you at night. Art couldn't look you in the eye and say your name over and over. Art was not alive in the same way that humans were. Levi envied art for its lacking of humanity. If only he could strip himself of his desires, then he would be free—free from pain and longing, and above all, free from his fear.

By the time Saturday arrived Levi was a complete wreck. It had gotten to the point where he couldn't even paint anymore. His hands shook from the lack of food and the excess of caffeine. His eyes ached from the need for sleep. He left his apartment and wandered down to the river, his mind stirring images of Eren tangled in the arms of somebody else. Each time he thought about it, his body buzzed with shots of adrenaline. His stomach seemed to have forgotten how to do its job. He hadn't been hungry for days.

He wandered into a small park that banked the riverside. It had begun to rain and the smell of fresh earth bloomed up from the flowerbeds.

Levi told himself he was concerned for Eren's well-being. He didn't want Eren to grow up and regret having had such an unremarkable sexual history. But when he really thought about it, Levi knew that this wasn't really the case. Levi was too selfish for that degree of martyrdom.

When it came down to it, Levi was terrified. He didn't want to fall any deeper in love with Eren only to have Eren leave one day. Levi wanted to get out before it was too late. The only problem was, it already was.

Levi's heart was breaking.

He sunk to his knees and fought the tears that insisted on making themselves known. He cursed himself. He despised everything. He felt he truly deserved whatever punishment it was that was waiting for him at the other end of all this.

He wondered if he'd ever love again. It seemed doubtful. He questioned if life was worth living without Eren in it. Fleetingly, he contemplated throwing himself in the river.

Fortunately, the rain picked up and Levi was compelled to return to his apartment instead. A vague set of human instincts continued to operate behind his sorrow, even though several others had been blotted out. He might not have been hungry, but he hated being cold—almost as much as he hated being dirty. His knees were slick with grass and mud. By the time he exited the elevator on his floor, he was so freezing he was actually shaking. He fumbled in his pants for his keys.

"There you are!" a voice cried, its distressed owner rushing down the hallway from Levi's door.

"W-what are you d-doing here?"

"I've been pounding on your door for the past hour. I thought you were ignoring me." Eren looked Levi up and down. "Holy shit. What happened to you?"

"I was b-by the river," Levi stammered, suppressing a shiver.

"Oh, Levi," Eren said, moving to take Levi into his arms. Levi pushed him away.

"What happened to your date?"

"I went," Eren said unenthusiastically.

Levi went stiff. "Did you fuck him?"

"No," Eren sighed. "I didn't. We didn't do anything."

"Well, it was only the first date. Maybe next time—"

"There isn't going to be a next time!" Eren exploded, shoving Levi against the wall. Levi stared back in shock. "Every time he made a joke I had to force myself to laugh. He wasn't even funny. We had drinks and all I could think about was how much I missed you." Eren paused, catching his breath. "You haven't been talking to me all week. I don't know what I did wrong. I never wanted to go on this date to begin with. All I want is to be with you, so why the hell do you have to make it so hard?"

"If it's so hard," Levi asked quietly, "why don't you just leave?"

"Because I can't," Eren said, his voice breaking. "Can't you see? I can't live without you. All I want is to be around you. I've started to wonder if I'm just not good enough. Maybe that's why you're pushing me away."

"Eren..."

"For god's sake, Levi," Eren choked, turning away. "Just tell me what you want. I can't handle this anymore."

"What I want..." Levi straightened up with an odd sort of dignity, given that his hair was plastered to his head and his skin was pale as baking soda. He arranged his face into a sensible expression and appeared to be thinking. "Let me see."

Eren scrunched up his face as if he were bracing himself for some kind of impact.

"I want to live with you. I want us to sleep in the same bed and to wake up together every morning," Levi said. "I want to know you as you grow older."

Eren broke down completely. Minutes passed and he couldn't seem to stop crying. The kid never could, once he started. He reached out with a trembling hand and held onto a corner of Levi's coat. The other remained where it was, doing its best to conceal his twisted face.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore," Levi continued, closing his eyes. "I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

"For fuck's sake," Eren blurted, shaking his head. "For fuck's sake, Levi."

They stayed in the shower for over forty-five minutes. They alternated between crying, laughing, and making love; really, it could have been something out of a theatre production. They were acting like manic-depressive clowns. Many times Levi wondered if they were losing their minds.

"Shhhhh," Levi whispered, running his fingers over Eren's lips. They were both tangled in the bathtub, letting the showerhead rain down over their exhausted forms. The boy still hadn't stopped crying.

"I-I'm trying..."

"What's wrong?"

"I-it's..." Eren suppressed another sob with his hand. "It's just..."

Levi wiped a stray lash off Eren's cheek. "Tell me."

"You're so fucking perfect, Levi." Eren reached up, tugging imploringly at Levi's hair. Levi kept his eyes locked on Eren's. "I just wish you could see it," Eren wept. "I wish you were mine alone. I wish you'd never been with anybody else. I wish you knew all that you mean to me!"

"I am yours... even if it destroys me..."

"Levi...!"

"Why are you sad?"

"Because I'm scared!" Eren cried. "I'm afraid that if you don't understand, you'll just keep pushing me away until I can't reach you anymore."

Levi dropped his gaze. "Things can always change..."

"This won't," Eren gasped, pressing himself hard against Levi. "What do I have to say to make you understand?" He curled up, resting his head against Levi's chest. "From the moment I saw you, I wondered if you could be real. You were like a dream come true."

"More like a nightmare."

"I'm being serious. Everything about you is perfect."

"Tch," Levi chided, though he couldn't think of anything else to say. It seemed Eren's candour had finally stolen away his arguing spirit.

When they at last found themselves lying in Levi's bed, warm under the covers, with the soft sound of rain falling outside the window, Eren allowed himself a moment of reflection.

"I always thought musicianswere insane."

Levi quirked his head to the side. "Hmm?"

"Nobody ever warned me about artists," Eren carried on. "Artists are on a whole other level."

"I seem to recall that I wasn't the one in hysterics just a few moments ago—"

"Maybe I was!" Eren readily admitted. "But who's fault was that?"

"It's your fault for being so stubborn. I told you to leave already."

"As if," Eren said sleepily. "You don't get off that easy."

"It's all a downwards spiral from here."

"You're wrong," Eren said, drifting off. "It'll be wonderful..."

Levi gazed out the window, falling into a thoughtful silence. Never in his life had he met someone so persistent. Part of him was still puzzled by the fact that Eren even cared. Why didn't he just leave and rid them both of this maddening affliction?

Was Eren pitying Levi?

Was the kid afraid of being alone?

Or...

For the first time in Levi's life he thought he understood something. It was fleeting and ephemeral, and he only caught a glimpse of it, but it was enough that a part of him shifted irreversibly, so much so that he doubted he would ever be the same.

For one passing moment in time, Levi was certain that in some respect Eren felt the same way he did. There was no logical basis for the feeling. It was just there; a warm surety that two had become one, for a singular moment in time.

Then it was gone.

But afterwards, Levi was finally able to sleep. He dozed off speculating that maybe Eren was just as stuck in this calamity as he was. Maybe Eren was actually telling the truth. Perhaps, the fleeting feeling he had sighted moments past was what the great philosophers were actually referring to when they mentioned the construct known as love.

"I love you, Levi."

Levi shifted under the covers. One day Eren would die. Levi would, too. On the grand scale of things, their lives were nothing but small flashes of light in an eternal meteor shower. But as long as he was here, Levi wanted to grow. He wanted to let Eren in.

He reached for Eren's hand and felt the boy squeeze back.

"I love you too, kid."

END CHAPTER 7