Notes:

I keep writing a chapter and thinking it will be the last, then a new idea pops into my head that I just need to get out in writing. It just goes to show love is really complex. There is no simple "happily ever after" in reality. This is the reality I'm exploring, I guess. As usual, I hope you enjoy it!

Levi couldn't decide what was worse—getting ignored at the beginning of a relationship or getting ignored later in a relationship. Near the beginning, a person was usually tweaking on enough hormones and neurotransmitters that any disappointment was absolutely devastating. Levi could still remember tearing his hair out when Eren failed to respond within a couple hours to a text message. Since then they had definitely chilled out on that front, but still—an entire week was pushing things.

Eren wasn't ghosting Levi entirely. Whenever Levi sent a text, a reluctant reply would arrive a couple hours later apologizing for its tardiness and reacting half-heartedly to whatever Levi had written. As a result, their usual method for plan-making had become entirely derailed. Typically one of them casually invited the other to hang out and then it just happened. As of today Levi had asked Eren to meet up three times over the course of the week without one affirmative response. It was always, I'll have to see what my parents are doing, or maybe later, school is pretty crazy right now, or sometimes a response that ignored Levi's proposal altogether. To say that Levi was becoming concerned would have been an understatement.

The two of them had been seeing each other for almost a year. For some people that would've been comfort enough, but given Levi's past, his reservoir of trust tended to run low. He knew Eren had said he would love him until the end of time... but did he really mean that? After seven days of not seeing Eren's face or hearing his voice, Levi was beginning to expect the worst. Old fears surfaced like bits of rotten driftwood from the side of a shifting shoal. Was Eren getting tired of Levi? Was the boy finally bored? Had Eren met somebody else?

There was no way to know until Eren decided to treat Levi's correspondence more hospitably, which could be whenever—there was no way to guess. Levi didn't know what to do. He'd since quit his job working at the bar and was working days at a hotel restaurant down the street. The work felt cleaner. Most of his clients were business people stopping through town for work. He rarely had booze spilled or thrown at him, he got off work at a reasonable hour, and the tips were decent. It was a fantastic situation for somebody who was happily in love and who wished to spend their evenings and weekends with the person they adored.

Unfortunately, Levi didn't know if that was the case anymore.

Working at the bar had been a much better arrangement for someone angst-ridden and tortured. You slept in as late as possible, sparing yourself as many hours of worry as you could. Next, you dragged your carcass into work in the evening—you were probably hung-over from partying with your coworkers the night before—and began what was guaranteed to be a shit-show shift ridden with loud-mouthed assholes and other drunken chaos. By the time you got off, you were so thoroughly destroyed you could barely make it home, let alone spare a thought for your own personal problems.

As it was, Levi sat at home every night from five o'clock onwards, twiddling his thumbs and wondering if he still had a boyfriend. He dreaded the weekend when nothing would break up his worrying. Maybe Eren would call before then. Hopefully.

Levi was just pissed off that he had to be feeling this way to begin with. He would've thought that after a year he could've been spared such nonsense. It was painful, surprising, and extremely exhausting. It seemed to have come out of the blue. He didn't even have the energy to paint. In many ways he felt like a ping-pong ball, bouncing back and forth, never able to settle and get his bearings. Was he single? If so, he'd adjust accordingly. If not, he would forge on as he had been. The ambiguous in-between was driving him crazy.

He stared at his phone and contemplated calling the boy. Would Eren even pick up? Levi didn't want to find out. It was all too terrifying. In the past he would've simply slunk away, retreating into his cave to nurse his wounds alone. But things were no longer that simple. Levi cared. He cared so much he couldn't even pretend that he didn't.

11:00 p.m.: What's going on? I miss you.

1:30 a.m.: I miss you too

1:35 a.m.: What are you doing this weekend?

2:20 a.m.: I'm not sure yet. I'll let you know

"What the fuck?" Levi groaned, squinting into his phone in the pitch blackness of his bedroom. "If he misses me, then why the hell is he acting like this?"

Levi elected to invite Hange and Erwin out for drinks that weekend. It was Friday and Eren still wasn't coming around, so Levi had to do something. The three of them met at Tapestry, an art bar in the gay district. It was one of the many places Levi had discovered during his crusading earlier in his and Eren's relationship. They'd stopped visiting the nightclubs since, but Levi couldn't resist Tapestry for its home brew. They made fantastic ale in house.

"How are you?" Hange asked, sipping her beer.

"Good."

"Oh as if," Erwin drawled from his corner in the booth. "You call us up for the first time in months to get drinks and you expect us to believe that you're good? Something has to have happened. Otherwise you would've gone on spending all your weekends nailing that cute boyfriend of yours and snubbing your devoted, self-deprecatingly loyal friends."

Levi scowled. "I have weeknights free too. If you didn't work that absurd job at the university we could probably find a time—"

"Yeah, yeah," Erwin interrupted, waving Levi's words away dismissively. "Let's skip the squabbling and get to the point. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Levi said stubbornly. After a moment of Hange and Erwin scrutinizing him, he sighed. "Well... I'm just a little worried."

"Worried about...?"

"About Eren."

"What happened?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing," Levi said. "Have you heard anything? Is his family alright?"

"The last I heard they were vacationing in the Bahamas," Hange replied. "His parents, that is. Eren stayed behind for school I'm pretty sure."

"Have you seen him around campus?"

Erwin raised an eyebrow. "Now that you mention it, no. But that isn't unheard of for somebody who's writing finals. He's probably entombed in a lab somewhere."

"Really?" Hange asked. "But I thought he was only in three classes this semester."

"He's always only in three classes."

"Why?" Levi asked, suddenly curious.

"I'm not sure," Erwin replied. "It's the minimum a student needs to remain classified as full-time. Though, I can't imagine his parents would suffer the loss of the dental benefits or anything if he fell under the threshold."

"Maybe he needs extra time for his band," Hange speculated.

"They haven't played a show in months," Levi contended. "If he was so devoted to his music, you'd think they'd at least bother to practise every now and then."

"I thought they practised on weekends."

"They haven't been for a while."

"Wow." Erwin smirked. "You two are joined at the fucking hip."

Levi flushed red. He couldn't believe Erwin's remarks still had the power to embarrass him so much. Reflecting upon this truth annoyed him even more and he frowned into his glass, chugging the luke-warm remainder of his ale.

"You still haven't told us why you're worried," Hange said.

"Let's just say we might not be as joined at the hip as you think."

Erwin gasped. "Did you break up with him?"

"No!" Levi said quickly. "He's just been..." He trailed off, wondering how best to describe Eren's exact transgressions. The boy was still responding to Levi's texts, but he didn't seem very enthusiastic about it. He hadn't initiated an interaction in days. Put simply, he just didn't seem as excited about their relationship as he had one week ago. Levi wondered what could've possibly changed in such a short time frame.

"Distant?" Hange tried.

Levi thought for a moment. Then he nodded.

"He gets like that," she said apologetically. "I thought it might've been different for you but I guess not. Ever since I've known him he has times where he sporadically drops off the map. To this day I don't know why."

"Maybe he's a werewolf," Erwin suggested.

Neither Levi nor Hange efforted to acknowledge the remark.

"Sometimes people just need space," Hange went on. "Give him some time. He'll come around."

Levi left the bar feeling no better than when he'd arrived. It was nice to see Hange and Erwin again, but in his current state, Erwin's sardonic humour had been particularly abrasive. Levi didn't know if he was even capable of laughing anymore. The alcohol was mingling with his anxiety, imbuing it with an inexplicable sense of urgency. He wanted to do something. But what? What could possibly be done to remedy his situation?

Hange had mentioned that Eren dropped off the map periodically. Levi wondered why. He also wondered why Eren chose to exclude him from this mysterious ritual. He understood Eren keeping it from his friends, but Eren usually told Levi everything. That was part of what made him so adorable; his incorrigible inability to keep his emotions hidden from Levi. Eren had friendly parents. He was nineteen years old. Levi was hard-pressed to imagine something sordid enough that Eren would keep it from his older counterpart.

In many ways it felt like Eren was an elf that had visited Levi's world temporarily, but now the time was up and Eren was being sucked back into his magical kingdom, never to be seen again. Levi sensed the power of Eren's wealth and the foreignness of the boy's upbringing stronger than ever. Was there something Levi was blind to, something he wasn't seeing?

Fuck, he thought to himself. This blows chunks.

What a curse to be so fragile, to be so dependent upon the whims of another.

All he could do was wait.

Levi went to help Erwin sort papers on Wednesday. The university TA had taken Levi up on his offer to hang out on a weeknight, graciously inviting Levi to come help him organize his files while Erwin caught up on his marking. To his own astonishment, Levi had agreed. He was so dejected he figured anything would be better than sitting alone in his apartment staring at the wall.

They worked in methodical silence. There was something comforting about it. Levi sorted stacks of papers alphabetically, labelling folders and discarding files that had expired. He had arrived at six o'clock and it was eight when Erwin leaned back in his chair and let out an enormous groan, the first sound to puncture the stillness of his office for hours. Levi jumped.

"Want to get us some food?" Erwin asked.

"Are you serious? I'm not your servant."

"Here," Erwin said, tossing Levi a twenty. "Get something cheap and keep the change."

Levi rose out of his chair unenthusiastically and made his way to the food court. Only a couple stands remained open. Levi opted for Subway, the healthier choice to straight-up burgers and fries. He was almost in the line-up when he froze.

Oh my god.

It was Eren. The kid was waiting for his order, leaning on the counter with one hand. His back was turned to Levi, but Levi could recognize that shaggy head of hair anywhere.

Shit, shit, shit! Levi thought to himself. I should've remembered—the kid always eats at Subway when he's on campus.

He'd just begun to back away when Eren turned around. Levi's breath caught in his throat. The kid looked awful. His usually bronze skin was pasty and pale. He had deep shadows under his eyes and upon further inspection his hair actually looked kind of greasy.

The moment their eyes met Eren turned away. Levi, overcome with an entirely new brand of worry, pocketed Erwin's money and hurried forward, placing a hand on Eren's shoulder.

"Are you alright?"

"What are you doing here?" Eren asked between gritted teeth. "You have no business being on campus."

Levi was taken aback. He had expected the kid to be vague, maybe, but not overtly rude.

"I'm helping Erwin organize his office," Levi explained flatly, removing his hand from Eren's shoulder. "I was getting food."

Eren turned away, staring at the lines of olives and pickles and chopped lettuce with bitter intensity. "What a fucking coincidence."

"Eren, I..."

"Thank you," Eren grunted, taking his sub and stuffing it into his backpack. All the while he kept his head hunched over.

"Eren—"

"I've got to go," Eren muttered furtively, starting quickly towards the exit.

"Eren!"

Levi caught up with the boy halfway across the food court, grabbing his forearm. Eren spun around involuntarily and Levi reached out and touched the side of his face. His skin felt clammy.

"Get off!" Eren cried, groping weakly at Levi's wrist.

"What the hell?" Levi exclaimed, attempting to look into Eren's eyes. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Don't look at me!" Eren shouted, breaking away and tumbling against a table. Several people waiting in line for sandwiches glanced over.

"Eren..."

"I don't..." Eren seemed unable to catch his breath. He stayed where he was, bent over the table on his knees. His backpack had sprawled under the chair. He muttered something else that Levi didn't hear.

Levi leaned in closer. "What?"

"I don't want you to see me like this," Eren said, his voice cracking. "Please just go."

"I can't leave you here."

"Just go!"

Levi took a step back, injured by the boy's tone. He'd never seen Eren this way.

"I'll be fine," Eren panted. "Please, don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

Before Levi could make up his mind, Eren scrabbled around under the chair and retrieved his bag. He slung it over his shoulder and began to shamble away. Levi could tell the boy was doing everything he could to conceal how much he wanted to collapse right then and there. Levi watched him go.

He returned to Erwin's office and found the TA buried in a novel with a woman and a man on the cover, swathed in roses and what looked to be silken togas. Erwin had clearly gotten a little sidetracked from his grading. Levi set down the sandwich and the change and Erwin looked up curiously. "I said you could get yourself something too."

"I know," Levi said faintly. "I appreciate it, but I think I'm going to head out now. I work early tomorrow."

"Very well. See you later."

Levi barely made it home before the tears erupted. The moment Eren had disappeared out the set of double doors Levi had felt them coming—after that point, it was just a matter of time. He slammed his apartment door and gripped the edge of the counter, shaking with frustration. He was so damned confused. His upbringing had left him with a very specific set of skills—that being, how to survive on his own. Now that he had somebody he cared about, he realized he didn't know anything about how to communicate properly. What was a person supposed to do to make another person understand? What was Levi doing wrong? He feared with every bone in his body that if he didn't figure it out quickly, he'd lose Eren forever.

He lay in bed tossing and turning for hours. He thought about Eren's pale skin and the way the boy had leaned over as if enduring a terrible stomach ache. It was at midnight that Levi remembered that he was almost seven years older than the boy. He wondered if that gave him a certain responsibility in a situation like this. He chugged a glass of water and performed several deep-breathing exercises. Nothing worked.

It was at one in the morning that Levi recalled that Eren's parents were out of town vacationing in the Bahamas. It was at that point that Levi wrenched himself out of bed, threw on some clothing, and

called a cab even though he had to work at nine o'clock the next morning.

The Yeagers' city house was in no way as sprawling as their acreage, but it made up for it in resplendence. Levi didn't know much about residential architecture, but if were to hazard a guess, he would've said that the style was old-fashioned rather than modern. The house was constructed of dull-red brick and cream-coloured window frames and arches. A long winding road inspired the sentiment that if you were to visit the Yeagers you would be entering an entirely different world. Levi was surprised that there were so many trees. The night sky stretched overhead but he could see that even in the day the yard would be shady under the canopy. It seemed unlike such sunny people to so readily welcome the shadow.

Levi had never been there before. Even though Grisha and Carla knew about his and Eren's goings-on he and Eren had agreed that it was best to spare them the details, so whenever they decided to have a sleepover, they did so at Levi's apartment. Levi had attended a couple dinners with the Yeagers—one during the Christmas holidays and the other in spring—but both had been held in commercial establishments. It took Levi a full ten minutes to find the front door. There were a confusing array of outbuildings nestled amongst the garden that threw him off.

He knocked and waited. It was hard to imagine that Eren would be able to hear the little sound if he was lying somewhere on the opposite side of the mansion. The thing wasn't as vast as the country home, but it was still pretty big. Levi suddenly wondered if Eren was capable of answering the door, even if he had heard it. Eren had appeared incredibly unwell in the food court. Levi's throat constricted at the thought.

He pounded on the door once again to no avail. Suddenly, a little intercom caught his eye. He pressed the biggest button he could see and cleared his throat.

"Hey brat. You in there?"

There was a moment of silence. Then, the speaker crackled. Nobody said anything but Levi was pretty sure it was Eren on the other end, contemplating tentatively whether or not he was going to respond to Levi's question.

"Eren!" Levi shouted, causing his voice to clip on the other end. "Come and open up this god-damned door! I didn't come all the way here to end up standing on your doorstep all night!"

There was another long pause. Then, a small, shaky voice replied, "Fine."

After what felt like forever there came the sound of several locks being undone. Levi thought he heard a quashed electronic hum like a security system being turned off. It made sense, he supposed, to guard such a fortress as it was with as many defences as possible. The door swung open slowly and Levi braced himself.

Eren peered out from behind, his face just as pale and gaunt as before. He hid his body behind the door. "What do you want?"

"Eren!" Levi exclaimed, pushing his way inside. The moment the older man crossed the threshold Eren turned and began making his way back towards the living room. Levi interpreted the action as a tacit form of acquiescence. He shut the door behind him, making sure to do up the locks, and hurried after his impaired charge.

He followed Eren into an enormous room with a high ceiling and stretching burgundy rugs. A fireplace positioned itself cold and unused beside a line of towering bookshelves. Eren collapsed onto a brocade sofa and disappeared beneath a fleece throw. The table nearest the boy was piled with textbooks and notes.

"You've been studying?"

"Not really," Eren's voice came from underneath the blanket. "It's been hard to concentrate."

Levi came and sat on the edge of the couch farthest from Eren. He thought it wise to give the boy some space. Really, Levi wasn't even sure where the two of them stood anymore. It was within his jurisdiction to make sure Eren was okay, but, provided how cold Eren had been to Levi all week, that was about it. He didn't dare touch Eren. What if Eren didn't want him to?

"So..." Levi sighed, the tips of his eyebrows curving up slightly. "Are you going to tell me what the fuck is going on?"

Eren was silent for a while. Eventually he shuffled until his head emerged, propped up on a golden silk pillow with bronze tassels. "Fine." He exhaled slowly. "But don't say I didn't warn you."

Levi leaned forward slightly in anticipation.

"Well, you see, every now and then..." Eren laughed dryly, shaking his head. "This is seriously going to be a TMI situation, Levi..."

"Go on."

Eren took a deep breath and his features became sombre once again. "Well, you see, I have this health thing..."

Levi gestured for the boy to continue.

"When I get stressed, my body tends to fall apart. This is why I only ever take three courses at a time. Exam season always stresses me out. I have to be careful. Usually I can stay on top of it by planning ahead, but this year one of my professors sprung a last-minute essay on us and it totally messed me up."

"So what happens?" Levi looked Eren up and down carefully. "Do you get the flu or something?"

"No," Eren sighed, hiding the lower half of his face under the covers. "I get... digestive problems."

"Digestive problems...?"

"I get really bad stomach aches and diarrhoea, okay?" Eren snapped, burying his entire head beneath the throw. "I didn't want to see you because I'm completely out of commission. I didn't want to annoy you!"

"Annoy me? How could you possibly annoy me?"

"Well, you know..." The blob that was Eren shifted uncomfortably. "By not being able to have sex and stuff."

Levi stared at Eren expressionlessly. Then, after a moment, he chuckled. The chuckle burbled up almost as uncontrollably as the tears had hours past, transforming into a full-blown laugh. The sound echoed around the chamber, deep and full and completely foreign to Levi's ears.

"Stop it!" Eren shouted, throwing off the blanket crossly. "It isn't funny!"

"I-I'm not... laughing..."

"Yes you are! I can see you!"

"I'm not laughing at you," Levi gasped.

"Then why the hell—?"

Levi shimmied across the couch and grabbed Eren, pulling him into an embrace. Eren, momentarily stunned, eventually reached around and clung onto Levi with his bare, trembling arms. It was the best feeling in the entire world. Levi continued to chuckle even though his eyes were growing damp with an entirely different emotion.

"Stupid kid," Levi grunted, stroking the back of Eren's head.

"You're stupid," Eren muttered into Levi's shirt.

"You should've told me. It would've made this so much easier."

"But..." Eren pulled away, looking Levi in the face for the first time. "So you don't mind?"

"What, that you jerked me around for two weeks? Of course I mind. That sucked fucking ass."

"No," Eren said, dropping his gaze. "That we can't... you know..."

"For fuck sakes," Levi said, willing his voice to remain stable. "What do you take me for? No, I don't care about that. I just care that you're feeling okay. I was so fucking worried, Eren, you have no idea..."

"It's just, every time we've ever hung out we've gotten it on..."

"We've only known each other a year. There hasn't been a chance for much variety that way," Levi said thoughtfully. "Besides, it isn't really true. Remember that time we had a picnic before your class?"

"You ended up blowing me behind that dumpster..."

"What about the time you came and hung out with me on break when the food trucks were around?"

"We gave each other handies in the car."

"Okay, well..." Levi ran a thumb along his lower lip.

"See?" Eren's eyes began to well up with tears. It was the oddest thing, given how jubilant Levi felt inside.

"What are you so worried about, anyway?" Levi questioned, taking Eren's hand. "Are you afraid we won't be able to have sex again?"

"No," Eren said, rather moistly. "My body will eventually recover. I'm just worried... that you won't want to."

"What—just because we have to take a break?"

"Because I'm being so gross right now!" Eren covered his face. "I haven't been able to eat properly and my hair is all matted. I'm pretty sure my breath smells like death. I can't believe you're here, why did you have to come..."

Levi grabbed Eren's face.

"Look at me."

Eren complied begrudgingly.

"This isn't some Hollywood movie. I don't care about what you look like or if we can't have sex for a while." Levi furrowed his brow, willing himself to find a way to make Eren understand. "To me, you're always beautiful. This whole week I..." Levi's voice threatened to crack. "I really missed you."

Eren instantly burst into tears. Levi pulled him in, stroking his back. Eren's skin was covered in goosebumps.

"I m-missed you t-too," Eren sobbed. "I w-was all alone a-and all I could think about was h-how much I w-wished you were here..."

"I'm here now."

"And I m-missed other things too," Eren continued. "I miss touching you. I m-miss feeling you inside me. I h-hate my body for doing this to m-me, why does it have t-to be this way—"

"Don't worry about that now," Levi whispered.

"I'm s-sorry Levi—"

"Shhhhhh." Levi lifted Eren into his arms and started towards the stairs. Now that his worries were allayed, the logical component of his mind was beginning to kick in. It was almost three in the morning and they both needed to sleep. Eren required rest. A decorative sofa was no place for a good, solid snooze.

"Where is your bedroom?"

"J-just up there—"

Levi hauled Eren up the staircase, along a hallway decorated with medieval sconces, and into a bedroom overlooking the backyard. Eren had a classic four-poster bed with umber hangings. The sheets looked entirely untouched.

"Don't tell me you've been sleeping downstairs on that couch all week?"

Eren gave a small smile. "Maybe..."

Levi tsked, turning and making to walk out of the room.

"Where are you going?" Eren asked quickly.

"I'm getting water and a cloth. You need to hydrate yourself." He thought for a moment. "And I'm going to wipe you down."

"Wipe me down?" Eren asked, horrified. "But that means—"

"Please," Levi grunted, turning to go. "I've seen every inch of your body. It's no mystery to me."

Despite the boy's protests, Levi did everything he said he would. He brought up an enormous ewer of water and set it on the bedside table. He heated more in a pan and stripped Eren naked, washing him from head-to-toe. Eventually Eren's complains ebbed away and the boy closed his eyes, allowing himself to enjoy the feeling of the rough cloth on his tender skin.

Once Levi was done, he lay down beside Eren and shut off the light.

"If you need anything just ask," he said softly.

Eren made a muffled sound of acknowledgement. Levi watched as the boy's breathing became deeper and more evenly paced. Levi hadn't lied. Eren's hair was damp, pushed back from his gaunt face, but even under the duress of illness, the boy was astoundingly beautiful to the older man. His swooping nose, his delicate cheekbones, the way his mouth hung open as he slept... and the spirit that enlivened those perfect features with such brash, hot-headed, fervour; Levi would've been happy to stay in that bed for the rest of his life.

Alas, existing in the physical world tendered various physical duties. Levi's alarm went off five hours later and he dragged himself to work, first making sure that Eren had everything he needed. After a groggy day of serving soup to businesspeople, he returned to the mansion and made Eren dinner, which consisted of plain brown rice and salt. It took fifteen minutes to make Eren spell out his dietary needs, regardless of Levi's assurances. The boy seemed loathe to making any reference to his health at all, even if indirectly.

Levi didn't mind. How could he? Levi was far too flawed to criticize Eren for such petty quirks. Truly, juxtaposed beside Levi's demons, the kid's problems appeared infinitesimal—at least to Levi. Levi filled a bowl with rice and smiled. He almost felt like laughing again.

Somehow, despite his inability to communicate, things had worked out. His reservoirs of trust were replenished. He was not turned away from the fathomless door he had only just begun to comprehend. And, to his great pleasure, he had learned something new about the boy who held the handle.

Every bit and piece Levi cherished, like an artist given novel colours for his palette. Maybe one day he would be able to paint blue light skies instead of grey ones. Sunlight would stream down, awakening bright green bulbs that would push through the cement in Levi's heart. The desolation would give way to life and Levi would breathe the scents of springtime for as long as Eren stayed by his side.

That was the nature of things.

Humans didn't shun food just because they required it. Animals sought shelter, even though they were dependent upon its safeguard to survive. To reject Eren in an act of defiant autonomy would've been as foolish as rejecting water or air. Levi understood that he had no choice.

His destiny lay in Eren's hands.

END CHAPTER 8