Chapter Three: Still Hurting
My hand shakes so furiously as I try to apply my lipstick that I manage to smudge it for the fourth time forcing me to set it aside and reach for a tissue. I knew that today was going to be hard, one of the hardest that I've ever had to face, but I honestly don't know how I'm going to do this. Donna was like a cool older sister, the type who always lent an ear, not to mention all the time I spent with her and the kids when Opie first went away. Truth be told she was one of a handful of people who seemed genuinely happy when I got accepted into Stanford and one of the very few I stayed in contact with after I left.
'I'm your biggest fan,' she'd say whenever she read one of my short stories, and she always talked about how she'd be buying one of my books someday. I let out a shaky breath as I brush away a tear.
"Gracie," my name is just above a whisper and turning my head I see Nana, dressed all in black at my door. "It's time."
-XX-
The Winston house is much too small for everyone to gather after Donna's service, so I find myself once again back in the clubhouse which has become too commonplace for my liking as of late, sitting in the far corner of the bar trying to wrap my head around how life has gotten here.
I watched as Ellie and Kenny cried and their father, a man I have always looked at as unshakeable and immensely strong just completely checked out, unable to give them the comfort that they so desperately need.
Nothing in this fucking world could make any of this make sense, because at the end of the day we're all still left here, still hurting, trying to piece together a world that was shattered in the blink of an eye.
"So when do you head back to Stanford?" Luann's voice breaks through my thoughts and because my emotions are just too much of a mess I don't even have it in me to come up with a smart ass remark.
Tapping a cigarette against the bar I debate on lighting it as her words curl around in my head, and taking a deep breath I turn to look at her. She hasn't changed much. Her blue eyes are still just as shrewd as I remember them being, her hair long and blonde, the same blonde she handed down to me which I've happily dyed dark brown so as not to share much physically with her. Once upon a time, I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I guess years of tension and anger rubbed away some of the shine.
"I told Ope I would be staying around for a while, try to help with the kids."
"When were you planning on telling me this?" her tone is so accusatory that it feels like a slap to the face.
"Jesus Luann, I won't be in your way, you won't be in mine, so why does it matter? Don't worry you won't have to actually be a Mom," I demand finding it beyond aggravating that she is choosing now of all times to bring this up.
"You really are a bitch you know that…"
"I guess you could say I got something from my Mom after all," I say and when she swings for me I manage to move out of the way. The anger bubbles inside of me and something snaps and before I can stop it my brain sends the signal to my hand and her head is snapping to the side. "I do not care that I have the incredible misfortune of having you as my Mother, I swear to God, if you ever lay a hand on me again I will lay your ass out, do you understand me?"
"Gracie!" Gemma's voice snaps through the air and because I was so hyper focused on what was going on between me and Luann I didn't notice how all eyes were turned to us, looks of astonishment covering the majority of the faces that stare at us. I take a deep breath and picking up my bag I decide it's time for some air. Passing by Opie and Mary I offer apologies and with a final glance at Gemma all I can do is shake my head before pressing out into the night.
-XX-
"That was some heavy shit," a deep voice comes from behind me and turning I find Kozik, hands shoved in his pockets and wiping at the tears that fall down my face I let out a shaky laugh.
"Nah, that was a typical night for the Delaney girls," I say gratefully taking the cigarette he offers me. "Thanks, uh, got light?"
"It just so happens," he says with a gorgeous smile as he pulls the BIC I gave to him from the pocket of his cut, "I do." He lights the cigarette for me and taking the first heady drag I press my back against my SUV. We smoke together in silence, content to share space without saying a word to one another, until Happy calling for him breaks it up. He rolls his eyes, before offering me another glowing smile.
"Guess that's my cue, why don't you hold onto this for me, in case I'm not around the next time you need a light," he presses the lighter into my hand, his fingers lingering on mine a little longer than I would have expected, "see you around beautiful."
Lifting my face, I watch him walk away and it's only when he disappears with Happy that I look down at where the lighter sits in my palm. There's a piece of paper folded under it and seeing the numbers scrawled across it I can't help but smile.
-XX-
Going through security at Stockton State Prison always makes me nervous. Always. I don't know why that is as I never have anything to hide, but it just is. Perhaps it's the invasiveness of the searches, or maybe, just maybe it's the atmosphere of the place. I smile at the familiar faces of the guards. Some are new sure, but for the most part these are guards I've seen and known since I was just a girl.
And when at last I'm led to the visitation room I take a seat, and running nervous hands up and down my thighs, wait. The familiar buzz rings through the air, echoing off the walls and I jump as heavy metal doors are unlocked and inmates shuffle in. I watch as families come back together, and with a soft smile I lift a hand to my father.
Otto Delaney is a lot of things, intimidating being at the top of that list, but for me he's always been the center. As much as I can't stand my mother, I love my father that much more. He was the one who gave me my love of books, he was also the first to stoke the flames of my creativity.
His arms are strong and warm as they circle me, and gripping the back of his shirt I hold on.
-XX-
I'm halfway across the parking lot when I notice the bike parked next to my SUV. I don't know what exactly it is about Kozik, but whatever it is I can't seem to shake it. Of course it probably doesn't help that we're constantly running into each other at TM, and there is just, so much of him. He leans completely at ease against the handlebars of his bike, long legs crossed at the ankles as he smokes, and there is no way I can deny that he is one gorgeous specimen.
Trouble in jeans and leather no doubt, but gorgeous all the same.
"You know, for an outlaw biker, you look entirely too comfortable sitting in the parking lot of a prison," I call to him as I draw closer. His smile is slow as it forms on his lips and because I know I'm staring, I put my sunglasses on with the hopes that he won't notice. "What are you doing here Kozik?"
"With what happened to Donna, Clay wants all the club's women to be looked after."
"I'm not one of the club's women."
"You're a Delaney, the club's always going to be watching after you," he says and letting out a breath I know it's not worth arguing over. He's right. Given my last name, and my Dad, the club is always going to be a factor in my life, whether I like it or not.
"How'd you end up stuck with me?" I can't help asking.
"Oh I didn't end up stuck with you sweetheart," he says his smile growing wide, "I volunteered."
-Kozik-
He was more than happy watching after her. In fact, he fought for the right, and he can't help the ghost of a smile that crosses his lips at the memory of knocking Tig on his ass for the privilege. Of course, he didn't tell her that. From what little he's been able to squeeze from Happy, Gracie seems to be in good with all the Sons, even Tig, though not in the sense that most women who hang around the club are. She's like a sister to Jax and Opie, a niece and daughter to the rest. His feelings are on an entirely different level and anything but familial.
He watches closely as she pulls into the pretty house on the corner, idling in the road as he watches her, and when she lifts a hand in a wave he nods, pulling away only when he sees her disappear into the house.
-XX-
His phone buzzes across the table by the bed and letting out a groan, he reaches for it, knocking the collection of beer bottles off the surface and onto the floor. He blinks his eyes rapidly as he tries to make out the number on the screen and flipping it open he presses the phone to his ear.
"Hello," his voice is thick with sleep that he tries to clear.
"Hey, it's me," the sweet rasp of Gracie's voice fills his head and shoots straight to his loins. "Are you still on babysitting duty?"
"I am," he says and when she lets out a smoky laugh he presses a hand to the growing bulge in his jeans. The woman has some sort of way about her, and that sort of way has him feeling like a damn teenager all over again.
"Meet me at Nana's, twenty minutes. See you soon Koz."