Let's tune in for more crazy wing-wong antics of the Dynasty Warriors!
Chapter 2: Zhenjirella
In a long long time ago, not long after the events of the last chapter, there's the big and prosperous kingdom of Wei, led by the mighty king Cao Cao. The king had a son, prince Cao Pi, who finally reached adulthood and must look for a perfect woman to be his wife. After searching throughout the country-
Cao Pi: Hey, Narrator! Why in the hell you made me kiss Xingcai?! She's the daughter of my cousin, and that's gross!
Well, shut up! This is my fic, and I get to determine who gets which role! Now shut up and go along with the story!
Cao Pi: Aaaahhhrrrggghh! I'll kill you, you dirty incest-loving bitch! prepares his dual blade
Try me, bovine urine. pulls an eyelid
Cao Pi: Hyaaaahhh! shoots an ice ball
Whoops! You missed! Haha! Sigh…well, guards, take him away.
Cao Pi: Aaahh! Get off me! I'm the goddamn prince! Tch! Remember, Narrator! You won't get away from me! gets dragged away
Sigh, seriously, you'll get your good part later! Be patient! Seriously, whose kid is he, anyway?
Cao Cao: Hey!
Whoops, sorry king Cao Cao! Okay, okay, moving on. So, after searching throughout the country he found his perfect princess and 'true love', princess Snow Xingcai. Unfortunately, he discovered that Xingcai is actually his niece and thus ran back to his kingdom, still traumatized by that incestuous kiss. Seeing this, his father king Cao Cao declared a royal ball in which ALL women in the kingdom are invited in order for his son to choose his perfect princess.
Cao Cao: Okay, ladies, gentleman, and someone who's between them, my son Cao Pi has come of age, and yet he still haven't found his perfect spouse yet. And with this, I thus decided to declare a royal ball in my palace so that he might choose an ideal woman to be his wife. ALL women are invited!
The entire crowd present cheered.
Zhang He: Ah! What a perfect moment! I, too, will show my flawless dance and get the prince's heart!
Cao Cao: Hm? Hey, Zhang He, you're a dude! Why in the hell would you join this ball?! And my son's not gay! Get out!
Zhang He: Aaahh! Now that's just mean! Waaahhh!
Cao Cao: Go away! Sigh…seriously, I thought that he's the best knight we have in our kingdom! Huff…
Among those present was a beautiful young woman named Zhenjirella.
Zhenjirella: Oh my! A royal ball to be the princess! I can't skip this opportunity!
Now, Zhenjirella's mother died when she was still young, and later her father would go to marry a mean woman named Zhang Chunhua. And after that, Zhenjirella's father died anyway, leaving his evil stepmother in the entire control of the house.
Zhenjirella: Lady Zhang Chunhua! Lady Zhang Chunhua!
Zhang Chunhua: Hm? What the hell are you doing, running off like that? Did you get chased by a ghost or sumthin'
Zhenjirella: No! Here, the king has declared a royal ball so that his son, the prince, would be able to choose his wife. All women are invited!
Zhang Chunhua: All of them? Hm…no, you can't come!
Zhenjirella: Whaaat? Why?
Zhang Chunhua: Eh, umm…that's because you're actually a dude! Yeah! When you were born, your father couldn't accept that you're a dude, and so he gave you a special drug to halt the growth of your dick! Just wait soon enough, and you'll grow some beards and become a dude! You don't want the prince to be horrified when that time comes, do you?
Zhenjirella: Whaaattt? Really? Huff…but I really want to go to the ball!
Zhang Chunhua: Well, I can't help it. If that's the case, I will be the one to got instead! You just have to wash the clothes when I'm gone, you got it?!
Zhenjirella: Umm, but I'm a guy. I'm not supposed to wash clothes.
Zhang Chunhua: Oh my god, she actually fell for it. Well, I don't care! If I don't see those clothes clean the moment I came back, you'll taste my wires!
Zhenjirella: Kyaaah! Huff, okay, okay, I get it! How can you achieve the prince with an old hag face, like that anyway….
Zhang Chunhua: What did you say?!
Zhenjirella: Um, no, no! Nothing! runs away
And so Zhenjirella was forced by her evil stepmother to stay at home and wash the clothes whereas Zhang Chunhua instead goes by herself. Gee, these stepmothers are sure dicks. Why in the hell that trope is so common in classic fairytales, anyway? Anyway, when she was attending to her duties, Zhenjirella burst into tears.
Zhenjirella: sniff Why do I have to suffer all of these? First I got an ugly, evil old hag for a stepmother who abuses me, and now I'm revealed to be a dude all along and can't go into the ball! WHHYYYYY?! screams upward
Some neighbors: Hey, tone that shit down! We're trying to sleep here!
Zhenjirella: Whoops, sorry.
At that time, the fairy godmother Cai Wenji heard her plight.
Cai Wenji: Hm, how poor this maiden's fate is! I shall help her achieve her wish.
She then appeared before Zhenjirella.
Zhenjirella: Huh? AAAAHHH! SPARKLES! It's Edward Cullen, kill me!
Cai Wenji: I'm not Edward Cullen!
Zhenjirella: Hm? Oh, you're not?
Cai Wenji: Of course! I'm a girl, for bleep's sake!
Zhenjirella: Uh? What?
Cai Wenji: I said, I'm a girl, for bleep's sake!
Zhenjirella: What did you say?
Cai Wenji: Oh god! For the last bleeping time, I'm a girl, FOR! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP'S! SAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! shatters glass
Random neighbors: Hey, who the fuck was that?
More random neighbors: Oh my god, our windows' shattered!
More fucking random neighbors: What?! How could this happen?!
Cai Wenji: ….oops.
Zhenjirella: Geez, I know what you meant to say! It's just…that last part, which kinda sounds weird.
Cai Wenji: Huh? Really? Bleep! Oh! Hey, Narrator? What did you do to me?
Huh? I didn't do anything.
Cai Wenji: Yes you did! Look, you censored every swear word I say, like this! Bleep! Whereas the others are free to swear and drop F-bombs everywhere!
Hm? Oh, right. Well, I did it simply to not ruin your 'sweety, innocent' image you've already established within the DW series. Seriously, not even I can bear to see you swear, let alone other people! So live with it!
Cai Wenji: Oh, come on! I may be a 'sweety, innocent' girl, but I'm a human being too! I have every right to swear when I intend to! This is discrimination! This is sexist! Bleep you narrator! Bleep bleep you to bleeping bleep!
Sigh…look, this is not discrimination, and this is certainly NOT. SEXIST. You say that and you'll get a bunch of angry feminists coming over here. Nope, I don't wanna risk that. Besides, even if I censor every swear word you say, it still ends up sounding noisy and unpleasant! So get on moving with the goddamn script!
Cai Wenji: Sigh…alright then. First of all, I'm not Edward Cullen. I'm a girl.
Zhenjirella: Oh, really? But are you sure you're really a girl? Because today my evil stepmother just said to me that I'm actually a dude by birth and that my father gave a dick growth-halting drug. My whole life's been a LIIEEEEE! gets hit by a rock YEOW!
Wang Yun (thankfully not some yet another random neighbor): Seriously, will that one fucking house ever SHUT THE HELL UP?! We're trying to sleep here!
Zhenjirella: Ouch….that hurts! What's that old man doing in this story, anyway? He only serves one scene to throw a rock at me!
Cai Wenji: Uhh…
It's only a cameo, okay! Some sort of a teaser for the future chapters!
Cai Wenji: Oh, thank you Narrator. Well then, you say you want to go to the ball, but cannot because your evil stepmother forbids you to?
Zhenjirella: It's also because I'm a dude!
Cai Wenji: Argh! For the last time, you are NOT a dude! She's only messing with you to prevent you from going to the ball!
Zhenjirella: Oh, really? I never knew.
Cai Wenji: Ye gads…facepalm Okay, for the last time, do you want to go to the ball?
Zhenjirella: If I'm not a dude, I'm sure willing!
Cai Wenji: She still believes that fact! Okay, okay, if you're willing, then I will grant you your wish!
Zhenjirella: Really? Yippee!
Cai Wenji: But first! In order to get yourself a fancy dress and a carriage, you have to prepare me two things: a jar of wine and a baozi.
Zhenjirella: Eh? Now that's odd. I thought you're a good girl who doesn't drink wine.
Cai Wenji: That's because I need wine to get my magic to work! So get me already!
Zhenjirella: Okay, okay!
And so Zhenjirella goes to the kitchen to get fairy godmother Cai Wenji a jar of wine and a pan full of baozi.
Zhenjirella: Here!
Cai Wenji: Ah, splendid! drinks a full jar of wine Ooohh, man, this wine is RRRREEEAAALLY GOOD! Hic!
Zhenjirella: Um…hello? Gee, I guess the wine is TOO good…
Cai Wenji: Ahahahahahaaa! Hic! Now, I, the Grrrrrreat Fairy Godmotherrrr Caiiii Weeennnjjjjiiiii, shall grrrrant you a PRETTY drrreesss! Hic!
The (drunk) fairy godmother Cai Wenji swings her wand, and in an instant, Zhenjirella now wears a pretty, glimmering dress.
Zhenjirella: Oh, my! This dress is so beautiful! Thank you, fairy godmother!
Cai Wenji: Ahahahahaha! Hic! That's the Grrrreat Fairy Godmotheeerrrrr Caiiii Wennn–hic-jjjjiiiii for ya! My magic is FUCKING invincible! Hahahahahaha! Hic!
Zhenjirella: Whoa! Man, I'm surprised when she said 'fuck'. Hey, Narrator, I thought you censored each of Cai Wenji's swears?
Well, I coulda sworn I did! Maybe that wine is so powerful that she's able to surpass my censors…oh well, it's wine imported from Shu, ruled by the mighty king Zhang Fei. What do you expect? Moving along….
Zhenjirella: Now that I've got my pretty dress, what about these baozis?
Cai Wenji: Hm? Ah yes, the baozi! One of the essential foods by mankind! It's shape do truly remind me of boobs. Aaaaaahhh…..hic!
Zhenjirella: Um….hey?
Cai Wenji: Welp! Bring those edible boobs here! Hic!
Zhenjirella brings the pan full of baozi to Cai Wenji. She took one of them and shook her wand at it, turning it into a baozi carriage.
Zhenjirella: Uh…baozi carriage?
Cai Wenji: Of course! It's made of goddamn baozi! Don't you feel happy about it? It got that majestic, royal feel to it. Perfect for a wannabe princess like you! Now get your ass on that seat inside and woo the fucking prince's heart! Hurry
Zhenjirella: Welp, guess I have to thank you for it. Well then, thank you for your help, fairy godmother! With this, I can be a complete diva at the ball and crush those ugly bitches! Especially that one hell of old hag called my stepmother! Hah! Off I'll go!
Cai Wenji: Alright! Hm? Oh! I almost forgot! Hey!
Zhenjirella: Eh? What?
Cai Wenji: You can have any fun at that ball, but remember that when the bell rings at 12 PM, the magic will disappear!
Zhenjirella: Eh, that's sorta of a shitty magic.
Cai Wenji: What did you just say?!
Zhenjirella: Um, no no no! Okay, I got it! 12 PM! Bye!
Cai Wenji: Bye! Eh, who knows that this so-called 'poor maiden' turns out to be a complete bitch anyway? suddenly gets sober Uhhh….what happened? after realizing what happened Oh! Bleep! I musta have some pretty nasty drunkenness after that wine! Oh well, at least I can swear uncensored! But now that I'm sober, all my swears are censored again. Sigh….
After the help from the fairy godmother Cai Wenji, Zhenjirella rushed to the royal ball at the palace. After so many hours and so many people have come, prince Cao Pi still can't find his perfect wife. And sometime later, Zhenjirella arrived. Her beauty and her beautiful dress (and particularly her baozi carriage, which was almost eaten by Sima Shi, but we managed to stop him) made many people astonished at her, including the prince.
Zhenjirella: Hmph! Yeah, that's right! Stare at your soon to-be princess! Hah! Step aside, ugly bitches!
Xiaoqiao: Gee, she is beautiful!
Lu Lingqi: Yeah, but unfortunately she's a complete bitch.
Guan Yinping: But really, look at that dress! Not even my father can buy me one like that…
Diaochan: You're right.
Zhang Chunhua: W-what? Zhenjirella! How could you come here?! I told you to not go here!
Zhenjirella: Hah! Eat your own fucking words, old hag! I'm the diva here! Your dirty tricks won't work at me, now that I discovered that I am NOT a dude!
Zhang Chunhua: W-what?! Tch!
At that precise moment, Cao Pi recognized Zhenjirella's immense beauty, and decided that she's the perfect princess he's been looking for. He asked her to dance, and as they were dancing, Zhenjirella also fell in love with the prince. However, as they were dancing, the bell suddenly rang, at the 12 PM, like the fairy godmother Cai Wenji has told.
Zhenjirella: Oh, no!
Cao Pi: W-what is it?
Zhenjirella: It's already 12 PM! I'm sorry, but I can't stay here any longer!
Cao Pi: What? What do you mean? The ball's not over!
Zhenjirella: I'm sorry! runs away
Cao Pi: Hey, hey! Come back here!
And so prince Cao Pi tried to chase her. Unfortunately, she managed to escape with the baozi carriage. However, the prince found on the steps a baozi-shaped shoe that Zhenjirella accidentally left on the way. He went to his father king Cao Cao.
Cao Cao: So, how about it, son? Did you find your perfect princess?
Cao Pi: I did, father. However, she suddenly ran away from me.
Cao Cao: Eh? Why?
Cao Pi: I don't know myself. She just suddenly ran away the moment the bell rang at 12 PM. The only thing she left is this baozi-shaped shoe.
Cao Cao: Now that's weird…do you know her name?
Cao Pi: No. This shoe is my only clue in finding her.
Cao Cao: Now that's kinda idiotic, not asking the name of the girl you want. Oh well, she's gone, and this kingdom is very vast, there's no way we can find her. Why don't you just pick the other ladies? There could be someone prettier than her.
Cao Pi: No, father. This girl is my perfect princess, and thankfully not my niece. So I won't turn back this time! She must be found!
Cao Cao: But how?! Like I said before, this kingdom is very vast, and it would be like searching for a hay in a needlestack to find her!
Cao Pi: Father, I believe it's finding a needle in a haystack.
Cao Cao: Well, it's the goddamn same! Look son, you're an adult now, and I can bear you to suffer another 'forever alone' year! Just pick another lady already!
Cao Pi: No, father, I won't!
Cao Cao: What?! You dare to disobey the words of your father AND your king?! I can't believe I'm saying this but…executioners, take the prince away!
Sima Yi: Wait, Your Majesty! Don't execute your son just yet!
Cao Pi: What?! Sima Yi, you showed up JUST NOW?!
Sima Yi: Well, it makes for a dramatic effect, after all.
Cao Cao: Hm! Very well then, Sima Yi, what do you propose?
Sima Yi: Here, my lord. From years watching my son Shi obsessing over baozi, I discovered that we could find that girl using this baozi-shaped shoe she left.
Cao Pi: How?
Sima Yi: Here, what should we do is to look for a girl whose cup size matches the baozi. If they match, then this girl is the princess who left the prince at the ball.
Cao Pi: Now that's just absurd! You mean I have to grope every single girl in this kingdom?!
Sima Yi: Ohoho, there's no need to soil your hands, my prince. After all, your loyal advisor is here to help! devilish grin
Cao Pi: Uhhh…okay…
Cao Cao: Ah! Your plan is exactly what I was thinking! Haha! My son, I didn't truly mean to execute you! I was just joking! Hahaha!
Cao Pi: Pssshh…bullshit, bullshit.
And so prince Cao Pi and his advisor Sima Yi went through the entire kingdom, groping every single girl and suffering it's consequences to check if their cup size matches the baozi-shaped shoe, but to no avail. Only a single house was left, which is none other than Zhenjirella's residence.
Zhang Chunhua: hears door-knocking Hm? I'm coming…who could you be- GASP! SIMA YI?!
Sima Yi: Excuse me, I am from the royal- AAAHHH! CHUNHUA?!
Zhang Chunhua: I-i-i-it's you? Is it really you?!
Sima Yi: Yeah, it's me! Seriously, you're still alive when we divorced? Gee, I was hoping you would die in a fire. It's fitting for your age, after all.
Zhang Chunhua: Grrhh…YOU! raises fist
Cao Pi: Um, excuse me…
Zhang Chunhua: Ah! The prince! Um, I'm terribly sorry for my rudeness. Please come in!
Cao Pi: Ah, it's alright…
Zhang Chunhua: So, what business do you have here, Your Majesty?
Cao Pi: Hm, here, we are searching for a girl on the ball whom I chose as my princess who dropped this baozi-shaped shoe. Only she would have her cup size match the size of this baozi. And therefore, we would like to check your cup size, Mrs. Zhang.
Zhang Chunhua: M-my cup size?
Sima Yi: Ohoho, it's alright. I am the one to grope you.
Zhang Chunhua: Oh, I see. Well, if it's him I don't care.
Sima Yi: Okay. grabs Zhang Chunhua's boobs Hmm…nope, I guess it's still not what we're looking for. But still, your boobs are still soft and big despite being an old hag. If it's like this then I guess I would be willing to go back to you. I'm sure our boys will be happy.
Zhang Chunhua: Hey, don't talk like that in front of the prince! AND DON'T CALL ME AN OLD HAG!
Sima Yi: Yeowie! Okay, okay, fine! walks up to Cao Pi I'm sorry, my prince, but she's still not the champion. My prince, we already searched and groped and get beaten by all the girls of this kingdom, but none of them matched. We should just go back now, I can't stand more beatings.
Cao Pi: No! There's no way no girls in this kingdom fits this baozi-shaped shoe! Mrs. Zhang, do you have any other daughters who live in this house?
Zhang Chunhua: Eh? Umm, no, Your Majesty, it's just me and my….stepson! Yeah, stepson! There are no other girls here.
Sima Yi: See? Come now, my prince. Let's just let your father to give another perfect princess for you, okay?
Cao Pi: No…no way!
Zhenjirella: suddenly barging out of the kitchen Hey, you're wrong, stepmother! I'm not your stepson, I'm your stepdaughter- eh?
Zhang Chunhua: jawdrop
Cao Pi: And now? Who is that?
Zhang Chunhua: Umm, my stepson! Yeah, didn't I already say it myself? He's just having an identity crisis! Hehe… (Shit! I thought I already locked her there!)
Cao Pi: Hm, he looks female enough for me, unless if he's another Zhang He….but I'll give it a try! Sima Yi!
Sima Yi: I'm on it! grabs Zhenjirella's boobs
Zhenjirella: KYAAAA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
Sima Yi: Ah! My lord, she- OW! AWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAAAAA!
BLEEEEEEEPPPP This scene didn't get past the T rating…
Zhenjirella: Hmph! That'll teach ya! And, oh! My prince! I'm sorry for my rudeness, but what purpose did you come here?
Cao Pi: Well…I am-
Sima Yi: My…prince!
Cao Pi: Gasp! Sima Yi! You alright?
Sima Yi: My prince! She is…she is the one! Gakh!
Cao Pi: Gasp! Really?
Sima Yi: nods
Cao Pi: turns to Zhenjirella You…what is your name?
Zhenjirella: Zhenjirella.
Cao Pi: Zhenjirella, I have finally found you. You're the one who danced with me at the royal ball, the one whom I chose to be my perfect princess. But you ran away when the ball rang at 12 PM. After my loyal advisor Sima Yi received so many beating from groping all women in the entire kingdom, I've finally found you. Come with me, and be my wife!
Zhenjirella: Oh, my prince!
And so prince Cao Pi and princess Zhenjirella married and lived happily ever after. The End…or is it?
Zhang Chunhua: Heh, guess that'll teach you to not grope woman anytime you like, like what you did to me when we first met 25 years ago!
Sima Yi: Shut…up…!
Zhang Chunhua: Haha, you're funny. You know what I was also just thinking of coming back to you again. I mean, my stepdaughter's now the princess, so I don't have anyone to boss around anymore! So I guess I only got you! Haha!
Sima Yi: Shut…the…FUCKING…hell…UP!
Haha! As always, keep tuning on for more creepy fairytales twists from our beloved DW characters! As always, please leave a review! Good day! P.S: Also, I'm sorry that this took so long to update. I have so many businesses in the morning that I can only write this chapter now. Oh well, I hope you'll enjoy it though.