As I said before, time to delve into some more fantasy DW-wackiness!

Chapter 5: Guan Hansel and Bao Gretel

Once upon a time, there lived a woodcutter named Guan Yu and his children Guan Hansel and Bao Gretel-

Guan Suo: Wait a minute, Narrator. Isn't Bao Sanniang supposed to be my girlfriend, not my sister?

So what? It's the only role available anyway.

Guan Suo: But if that's so it'll be incest!

Sigh, no, Guan Suo. You two are a couple playing family members, which is not incest. It's incest if it's the other way around, like a certain other guy I remember…

Cao Pi: Hey! Don't drag me onto this!

Meh, you're the one who was stupid enough to do it, anyway.

Cao Pi: What! YOU didn't tell me that Xingcai is my niece! Now I gotta live with this horrible memory for the rest of my life…how cruel could you be to do such thing?!

Pfft, what do you actually expect from ME, huh? Indeed, I AM a sadistic person that loves to torture other people for the lulz, and so what? You can't fight my orders anyway, because I am the one in control of the story here. Shut up and let the story unfold. Ahem, so there lived the woodcutter Guan Yu and his children. His second wife Zhang Chunhus- hey, what the hell?! How come Zhang Chunhua's cast as yet another evil stepmother role?!

Bao Sanniang: Umm…I thought YOU were the one who casted her?

No! It's just a certain underling of mine, whom I told have to look for an 'evil-looking old hag' that is NOT Zhang Chunhua. But he came with her anyway. Huff…I suppose we really have no other choice. Oh well, she looks the part perfectly, anyway-

Zhang Chunhua: YOU CALLIN' ME AN OLD HAG, HUH?!

Whaa-? No, no no! I swear you're NOT an old hag! Euhm…okay, let's move on. During the time of famine, Zhang Chunhua attempted to throw her stepchildren away in the forest to die because they eat too much food. However, Guan Hansel heard this from his and Bao Gretel's bedroom.

Guan Hansel: Bao Gretel, my sister, I have bad news.

Bao Gretel: About our stepmother attempting to force-feed us baozi again?

Guan Hansel: Uhh…no.

Bao Gretel: Ah, good! That means she FINALLY understood that we're not Sima Shi!

Guan Hansel: Yes, but this time it's far worse than that!

Bao Gretel: Oh, you mean she attempts to force-feed our father baozi?

Guan Hansel: Well, fuck no! Sigh…looks like this is the effect of eating sweets for too long. No, infact, she attempted to throw us away to the forest to die!

Bao Gretel: Aaaahh! Why would she do that?!

Guan Hansel: Well, reason one, its Zhang Chunhua. Reason two, because we eat too much food.

Bao Gretel: Hmm…good points. Especially the first one. But, why did Dad agree to this?

Guan Hansel: Hmm…let me check. listens from inside …..

Bao Gretel: So? Eh? Why's your face red?

Guan Hansel: …..I see. So THAT'S why.

And so, Guan Hansel's got an idea. He decided to bring a baozi that he will use to trail the way he and Bao Gretel walked from home and to the forests when their evil stepmother Zhang Chunhua told them to. Zhang Chunhua was furious when they managed to return home, and attempted to dump them again. Unfortunately, this time Guan Hansel can't use the baozi trail because the trail's already been eaten by Zhang Chunhua's son Sima Shi, who fore some fucking reason managed to walk all the way here simply because of the baozi trail.

Guan Hansel: Sigh…I'm sorry, Bao Gretel. But Zhang Chunhua' son Sima Shi has already eaten the baozi trail. What should we do so we can go back home?

Bao Gretel: Hmm…I know! Let's use the wine trail!

Guan Hansel: Wine trail? Are you not afraid if Zhang Fei will slurp it right from the ground?

Bao Gretel: Naaah, that's gross! Why would he do that?

Guan Hansel: Well, for Zhang Fei, nothing is gross for him to do. But whatever, let's do it.

And so Guan Hansel and Bao Gretel brought wine from home and use it to trail their way home from the woods. Unfortunately, they're finally trapped for good in the woods for Zhang Fei truly came in and slurped the wine trail. After wandering around in confusion, they stumbled upon a house made entirely of gingerbread and cookies.

Guan Hansel: Huff…seriously, it's been three days we're trapped here, and now we can't find our way- oof! What is this? It tastes sweet!

Bao Gretel: It's a house made entirely of gingerbread and cookies!

Zuo Ci: opens the door from inside Ah, what could be you two children doing in this woods?

Guan Hansel: Ah, mister! Our evil stepmother threw us out in these woods!

Zuo Ci: Evil stepmother? Zhang Chunhua, wasn't it?

Bao Gretel: Eh? How could've you known?

Zuo Ci: Eh, it's a common secret. Anyway, why don't you come in my house? You can eat all these gingerbreads and cookies all you want!

Guan Hansel and Bao Gretel: Really? Yippee!

And so they went it. Little do they know that the evil wizard Zuo Ci attempted to eat Guan Hansel by fattening him first, and keep Bao Gretel as his concubine. He forced Guan Hansel to eat all the sweets he has along with baozi. Luckily, Bao Gretel figured out his intentions and told her brother. Then, Guan Hansel used the flower he has in his hair to trick Zuo Ci into thinking that he's still not fat enough. One day, Zuo Ci grew out of patience and attempted to cook Guan Hansel now.

Zuo Ci: Okay, my little kittycat, do you think that this oven is hot enough?

Bao Gretel: Umm…what do you mean?

Zuo Ci: That means you have to check whether this oven is hot or not.

Bao Gretel: But how do I do it?

Zuo Ci: My god, how come you're so stupid?! Why did I keep you as my concubine anyway?

Bao Gretel: Well, it was against my fucking will. And even though I'm stupid, I still got some 'lessons' I learned from my evil stepmother, you know…wink wink

Zuo Ci: Sigh…well, I suppose that's good enough. Then, I guess I just have to check it myself- WHOA!

During that opportunity, Bao Gretel pushed the evil wizard Zuo Ci to the oven. She then freed her brother Guan Hansel.

Guan Hansel: Huff, huff…great, we just got out of that evil wizard's house, but now we got no way home! Huff…

Guan Xing: Hey, you guys could use me!

Guan Hansel: Who is that- AAAAHHH! A talking goose with my brother's voice?! Who are you?!

Guan Xing: Um, well…the Narrator just basically stuffed me onto a goose costume, saying that only I am fit to be the magic goose's role in this story to bring you two guys back home, thanks to my wing weapons and all….

Bao Gretel: Ehrm…that's kinda….awkward.

Guan Xing: It IS awkward! Now I'm running out of breath in this costume. Hurry up to jump on me and get this story done already!

Guan Hansel and Bao Gretel: Uhh…okay, okay!

And so, they rode the magic goose Guan Xing and flew back to their father Guan Yu. There, they discovered that their evil stepmother Zhang Chunhua's just gone to marry another person to screw up his stepchildren's lives. And so they lived happily ever after. The End…or is it?

Bao Gretel: Umm…father, Guan Hansel, can I talk about something?

Guan Yu: Hm? What is it?

Bao Gretel: Here, after I escaped from Zuo Ci, I don't think I'm feeling really well. At first I thought that I ate too much sweets, but now, I found out that I….I…

Guan Hansel: What?...oh. No. No nonononononononononononononononononononononononononono….

Bao Gretel: I….I'm…pregnant.

Guan Yu:….what….did….you….just….

Guan Hansel: Oh, god…..

Guan Yu: SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

….yeah. Anyways, this is the last chapter of this fic, and I can't make other fairytales because I'm not familiar with them/they're too long. Oh well. If I can find some time I might be able to make a sequel of this fic. Anyways, thank you for reading this fic to the end, and please leave a review! Good day! P.S: I'm also sorry that this took so long to upload, today is the first day of my new school-year and thus I got home a little bit late than usual. Oh well, at least I can give out this chapter for all of you to laugh on.