A/N: As a head's up to readers, I will be posting one more chapter next week, and then you won't see another for a couple weeks because I am going on a two-week, no-tech vacation. I'll take a notebook with me so that I can still write, but for the most part I'll be doing living history activities and won't have much time. I'll continue posting once I get home!
As I knelt in the small stone room a thousand thoughts crowded into my head, each one distinct. I wondered how Renee and Charlie were handling my disappearance. I worried over the murders I had just committed. I allowed myself to wallow in doubts about whether I could keep myself alive by taking the lives of others. How did I know that my parents wouldn 't suffer due to my own misfortune
That thought brought me up short. Most likely they were already suffering. I had no idea how long I was burning in the flames that changed me into a vampire, but it had felt like forever. Even if it was only weeks or months, they were bound to be frantic. Had the police found the alley where my attack occurred? Had they found the blood? Did my parents think I was dead?
Even if I managed to get out of this tiny room someday, I could never let them know I survived because then I would have to tell them I was a killer. Somehow I could see Renee saying that it didn't matter, that the lives I took were worth it so that she could see me again. Renee often had a problem with thinking before she spoke. Of course I knew that she wouldn't like that I had killed to survive, but she wouldn't put it that way which would make me even more upset. That's the way it always went whenever I did something I should have gotten in trouble for. I would feel guilty, and Renee would try to see the bright side of things.
Charlie, being the chief of police in Forks, would have an entirely different outlook on my short killing spree. He respected the law, and murder is definitely one of those things that are almost universally outlawed in this day and age. If he knew, he would be so disappointed. Not to mention that he was likely to try and get me put away for murder and insanity—who the hell kills thinking they're a vampire, for goodness sake? Well, I've heard stories of a few, especially around Halloween when everyone likes to tell scary tales, the truer the better. So I suppose he would think I'd gone insane, if I ever got the chance to confess to him. Although I knew that I would never get the opportunity, some part of me wailed inside as I wondered how I could ever look him in the eye again, knowing the crimes I had committed.
Eyes!
I realized that all the vampires I had seen possessed red eyes. Did that mean my eyes were now red? I lifted my fingers, not sure if I wanted to press my eyelids closed or rip them out. The subtle play of light across the pale surface of my arm distracted me from my original purpose and led me to inspect my skin. It was firmer than before. Remembering James's relentless grip, I thought that it would be rock solid to a human although it gave subtly against my finger. Paler than before if that was possible, it still seemed like my skin.
My thoughts swung wildly back to my parents. They would be able to look at me and see a killer now, as if it were branded on my skin and tattooed on my face. Normal people didn't have red eyes. Normal people didn't have the ability to rip someone's throat out with their teeth and lap up their blood to the last drop. They couldn't crack walls or move with a strange quickness that still almost felt like standing still. They didn't have brains that felt as if they could encompass all the information in the universe and more.
I rubbed my stinging eyes, wishing that I could cry. This was just some nightmare that I'd somehow fallen into. It had to be. I would wake up soon, safe in my bed in the little hotel Renee and Phil had found adjacent to Jacksonville's historical district. I would be free of the blood that covered my hands.
At the thought of blood my throat began to burn once more as the stinging liquid filled my mouth and washed over my tongue. I realized that the feeling meant that my horrible new body wanted sustenance once again. That there was a part of me that would literally salivate at the mere thought of blood sickened me. That other part of me longed for the taste, the cooling of the burn that threatened to drive me insane with need.
I tried to push away the demand for blood, but it was too strong. Soon I came to the point of whining, begging Renata through the stone walls for more to drink. At first I thought that she had abandoned me. I was going to die of thirst before she came back. All thoughts except gaining more of that treasured nourishment fell away as I waited, growling and pacing in anticipation.
Finally the faint sound of Renata's skirts met my ears, but this time there was no heartbeat accompanying her. I howled in misery, sure that this meant that I was going to starve to death after all. The fires in my throat rose higher, and I clawed my skin as if that would help.
"Isabella," Renata scolded me through the door. I jumped then crouched low at the harsh tone of her voice . "Your meals will come to you as they arrive. We cannot drain the entire city for one newborn vampire. We must harvest outside of the area where we live. Be patient. You can last a very long time on the blood from your own body alone during your newborn period. You will not starve."
I growled back at her. That was not what I wanted to hear! I wanted the sound of a beating heart to meet my straining ears, not reassurances that I would be fed…at some point.
"Renata!" I shouted in frustration, unable to be more coherent than that.
"Come, my dear, you have to learn to control yourself. What would your parents think if they saw you now?" I could almost feel the satisfaction radiating off of her from the other side of the door as her subtle threat filled me with dread. I did quiet down then, freezing in what would once have been unnatural stillness. What else could I do?
Renata left me pacing and confused as the sound of her skirts faded away again. Our brief conversation had broken through that insatiable side of me to the more rational, compassionate part. I had been begging for another life to take. How disgusting! I argued with myself silently, afraid that somehow Renata would hear even though I could no longer hear her.
It was wrong to take the life of another person. My parents taught me that. Even my father, sport fisherman that he was, drilled into my head from a young age that you killed animals only for food and people only in self-defense. I hated the thought of what I would have to do to survive in this hell I had wound up in. Another thought snaked through my expanded brain, though, a thin thread of reassurance that threatened to drown out the cries that murder was wrong, immoral. The new thought seduced me. If it was allowable to take an animal's life for survival, surely the human lives I took to sustain myself weren't wasted. Food, clothing, tools, hell even jewelry have been contributed by slain animals since humanity's earliest days. Was this really any different, now that I was beyond humanity? Wasn't there something about a circle of life that I remembered from my blurry human memories? Maybe vampires were just the top of the chain, the true predators.
The more compassionate part of me, my parents' daughter, knew that was just an excuse. I was putting my own life above those of total strangers. It made me feel small, unworthy of my upbringing, but there was no denying my selfishness once I admitted it to myself.
On the other hand, what choice did I have? To keep my parents alive and out of the hands of these monsters, I had to endure becoming a monster myself. In the end it was the only way. I resolved then never to let myself like it, no matter how seductive that inner voice became. I had seen how much pleasure James and even Jane had at the idea of dealing out death. That was not me. I would not become that kind of person, that kind of vampire.
With that settled in my mind and little else to do before Renata came back—and I tried very hard not to think about why she would be coming to see me—I began to focus on the other changes in myself outside of my unending thirst. The improved sight I had noticed and catalogued for future discoveries when I had something more to look at than gray stone walls, gray cotton cloth, and the gray metal of the candle sconce and the door. Of course, they were all different shades of gray, but couldn't whoever had put me in here at least have added a picture or two, something with some color?
To distract myself from the visual, I closed my eyes. Even the dull red of my eyelids was fascinating, though. I could make out individual veins, swirling in what should have been patterns but weren't quite. It was amazing, the detail my eyes could detect even with minimal light on a part of my anatomy I'd rarely given much consideration before.
I wrenched my mind back to my original purpose. I attempted to focus on one sense at a time, but I realized quickly that my newly awakened brain had been categorizing and filing away every single thing I had heard, smelled, seen, touched, tasted, and even thought from the moment my heart stopped beating. Every. Single. Thing. All I needed to do was think about what I wanted or needed to know, and it was there for the taking.
Renata's scent was a soothing mixture of lavender, chamomile tea, and chocolate chip cookies. That shouldn't have made any sense to me, but somehow it worked. I discovered that I had smelled her before I had heard her each time she approached this room, from an amazing distance of one hundred and twenty feet. I knew the distance because I could calculate the rate of her pace with the rate the approaching scent had intensified.
The sounds I had been filtering out hit me next. A spider in one corner of the room wove its silken web, and I could hear the way that its spindles rubbed against one another while it worked. A dozen feet away some kind of burrowing animal was digging a tunnel. I could hear each swipe that its claws made as they dug into the dark earth as well as the thrumming beat of its small heart. It was not at all as appealing as the sound of the humans' had been. I wrenched my mind away from that thought and allowed myself to become lost in the sounds of their industry until finally they quieted, resting from their labors. I wondered if that meant it was night. Did creatures that lived in darkness have the same cycles of sleeping and waking as those who lived in the daylight hours?
That thought made me recognize the startling truth that I hadn't slept since I woke up with no heartbeat. Did vampires sleep? Would I ever sleep again? Dream? I'd always had vivid dreams, and usually they were good or at least interesting. Was I doomed to be awake forever, a blood-drinking monster who couldn't sleep?
It seemed that the answer to that was yes. When I focused I could track the passing of time. Two days, seven hours, ten minutes and fifty seconds had passed since I woke up. I was no more tired now than I was then, although I was much hungrier once I realized how much time had passed.
How often did vampires eat? I hadn't seen Renata since my second meal, our conversation through the door notwithstanding. Was she going to leave me here to starve after all? I jumped to my feet and began pacing. I hadn't quite managed to wear a ring into the cool stone when I heard Renata's footsteps once more as well as a sound that was both welcome and terrifying. The thick wet thuds of a heartbeat almost drowned out her steps to my sensitive ears. I paused, going still as I waited for the door across the room to open.
This time I noticed the quick breathing that accompanied the heartbeats, shallow and wheezing. I focused on it, pushing back the part of me crying and screaming that I should ignore it. Charlie and Renee's lives depended on me, I was certain of that, and the whining voice in my head wouldn't make what I had to do any easier.
Renata opened the door and shoved in my meal this time, as if she no longer worried that I would tear the human apart before I could get the life-sustaining blood. I watched the quivering mass in the center of the room as I stalked around it. Within a blink of the human eye, I grabbed the overweight woman in front of me and sank my teeth into her neck.
The blood tasted as delicious as the previous two times, warm, sweet, and so satisfying for the burn in my throat. This time I was able to contain every drop. By the time I let the limp body fall to the floor, my face and hands were still clean. I wouldn't need any new clothes after this feeding. Wary, I glanced towards where Renata stood in the partially open doorway. To my astonishment, a look of wonder flashed across her lovely face before her expression became cool and dispassionate once more.
Renata stepped into the room and looked me up and down. "You are unusual for a newborn. I expected much less control from you, yet you have mastered feeding in three tries. I look forward to seeing any other ways you might be different, but for now I will leave you." She reached down and picked up the body of my victim.
"Wait!" I cried. When she paused I pleaded, "Please, can't I come out? You said you keep newborns separate because they're unstable. I'm not, I swear. I have nothing to do!"
She shook her head. "For now you must adjust to your new senses. Once you are a full member of our world there will be little time for wonder. The Volturi are not known for their patience."
Her words sounded like a warning, although her tone was soft and almost gentle. I stared at her, unsure how to process what she was telling me. Was I safer here than among the rest of these vampires? Who were the Volturi?
Before I could question her further, Renata disappeared through the door once more. As it shut with a soft thud behind her, I growled in frustration but made no more attempts to be heard on the other side of the thick metal. I wanted to shred it to pieces, but what if she was correct about the instability of newborn vampires? Could I be a greater danger than I already knew? Or was the door there to protect me from unknown dangers until I could control myself enough that I wouldn't provoke other vampires?
So many questions raced through my mind in the few seconds after Renata's departure. Finally I resigned myself to following her advice. Still standing, I closed my eyes once more and began to listen to the world around me.