A/N: A quick note on my head canon, since there have been some comments on how slow Edward and Bella are to realize that they're mates. I take my head canon straight from the book and even the movie on this one, gals and guys (if you're reading this, too). Edward didn't fall in love with Bella immediately. He got to know her. Sure he probably figured something was up with that spark when their hands touched, but he was probably also fighting it with all of his might because she was human and because in his crazy head he didn't think he deserved to find love (my head canon for that, but it's pretty heavily implied). And then there's Kate and Garrett. They were courting, for lack of a better word, for weeks before Bella, as the narrator, was aware something serious was up between the two of them. My head canon treats the mating bond more like a completely permanent version of falling in love than instant soul mate recognition.
Bella shifted in the seat next to me as I pulled out of our drive and onto the road, and I glanced over to see her sitting ramrod straight. I wondered if she was uncomfortable in a vehicle, since many vampires tended to be. Or maybe she felt awkward being shut into such a small space with a vampire she barely knew. I hoped that wasn't it. I didn't want her to have any unpleasant associations with me, although I tried not to examine why I felt that way too closely.
"Do you like the car?" I asked her, wincing a little as I referred to my beloved Aston Martin as a "car". It was a marvelous piece of machinery, one I was very proud of since I helped Rosalie rebuild the engine to accommodate our family's preference for more speed than humans were comfortable with.
Bella gave me a weak smile and a shrug. "It's great. I've never been much of a car person, though. Sorry," she added, apparently sensing my disappointment.
"That's okay. Rosalie, Alice, and I spend enough time tinkering with the family's automobiles to make up for the rest of you plebeians," I commented lightly, hoping to draw out a real smile.
"Alice?" she asked, and I could understand her incredulity.
"Well, Alice does the shopping for the cars, anyway. Rose and I are the ones who do the actual tinkering."
Bella grinned, fulfilling my wish. "Now that I can believe."
"You mean, after a morning shopping with my—I mean, our sisters you've realized what Alice's one true passion is? Other than Jasper, anyway."
That earned me a laugh. "It's pretty obvious."
"Eventually we can get you your own car," I offered, trying to gauge her reaction to that.
Bella's nose wrinkled in the most adorable way. "I don't even have my driver's license—or I didn't before the change, anyway. I never learned. My mom was supposed to teach me at the beginning of my junior year."
I felt like an idiot for reminding her of that, but she didn't sound as sad as I would have expected. Maybe she had adjusted past the grief stage. The loss of our humanity and previous lives hit each new vampire hard, it seemed. Of course, she'd had two years to get used to the situation, but Rosalie still mourned her change even eighty years later.
"So you've stuck with running during your travels?" I asked, trying to steer the subject away from her human times just in case.
"Well, I stowed away on a cargo plane to cross the Atlantic, but otherwise, yes. Being in a moving vehicle is a strange sensation since I move so much more quickly, so I prefer to use my own legs. But I figured that the benefits of not looking like a drowned rat when I reached America outweighed the slowness of the aircraft—plus I wasn't really sure if moving through water would be as easy as running." She laughed at herself, probably having discovered since then that she had been correct. We were much slower in the water than on land. It made sense. When moving across actual terrain, our bodies weren't fighting against anything other than the wind, which rarely trouble us. Water was a completely different story, much more dense and with a tendency to move the object it encased, even vampires.
I chuckled along with her and replied, "Air travel is faster over water, but driving cars can be fun, too. I guess it is more fun as a driver than a passenger, though, since it's about the power you're controlling, using your reflexes in a different manner than you're used to."
"I'll have to take your word for it," Bella shrugged and relaxed back into her seat.
Since she seemed at ease talking about her human past, I allowed my curiosity to get the better of me. "So you hadn't learned to drive before you were changed, but weren't you eager to learn how? I thought most teenagers these days are obsessed with getting their license and hitting the road for freedom."
She snorted. "Not me. I lived with my mom, and she needed me. I was too busy worrying about taking care of her to care about learning something else before I had to. I think—I think I felt guilty those last few days because I was relieved that I found a solution to take care of her and put some space between us at the same time." Her tone was thoughtful and sad, and I mentally kicked myself. Still, in for a penny, in for a pound, as my own mother used to say.
"Do you remember what the solution was?" I asked.
Bella remained quiet for so long that I began to doubt whether she would answer. Finally she sighed. "I was going to ask my dad if I could move in with him if Phil, my stepdad, got the job he was trying out for in Florida. I knew my mom wouldn't move with him until I was finished with high school because we moved so much after she left my dad, and she was feeling guilty about it all and trying to finally give me stability. She would have been miserable without Phil, though."
I was stunned. We moved to Forks more than three years ago. If Bella had been able to follow through on her plan, if she hadn't been changed and taken in by the Volturi, I would have met her as a human girl. The thought was an odd one, even though I'd first encountered Esme, Rosalie, and even Emmett when they were human. I couldn't imagine Bella as anything other than the quiet,confident vampire I first encountered. Would she have seemed interesting as a human? So few of them were after all of these years. Would her thoughts have been clear to me, or would they have the same fuzzy quality Charlie Swan's mind possessed? Would I have been unable to hear her mind at all, just as Jane and Alec were unable to use their abilities on the human Bella?
These questions and more flashed through mind as I drove, unmindful of the silence stretching between us. Apparently it bothered Bella because her small, warm hand covered my own on the driveshaft.
"Edward? Are you okay?"
I gave her a smile. "Of course. I just realized that I would have met you as a human if you had moved here. We were already living in Forks."
Her eyes widened. "Do you all hang out much with humas? They always seem wary of me when I get too close, like they're fighting the instinct to run."
"Well, not really. But we might have had a few classes together." I was unsure how to continue honestly without hurting her feelings, but then I just plunged on. "I probably would have ignored you. We tend to keep apart from the other students as much as possible. There's less chance of an…accident that way."
I looked over to see her reaction to that. She seemed calm, and I hoped that was a good sign. When she turned a bit to face me, I saw that her eyes sparkled with amusement. I wished yet again that I could read her mind so that I could figure out what she thought was so funny, but thankfully she didn't keep me in suspense.
"I'm glad we didn't meet then, actually. I was such a mousy girl. You probably would have been bored to death if the teachers assigned us seats next to each other, especially if we would have been working on projects together."
It was a joke that contained a thread of certainty, as if she was so sure I would never have found her interesting that she didn't even think to question it. I found myself shaking my head as I looked into her eyes. "I think I would have found you fascinating. I can't help but wonder if your mind would have been shielded from me before your change." As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to smack myself. She called me on it immediately.
"Edward Cullen, are you saying you're only interested in my mind?" she demanded, that sparkle still in her eye.
Was she flirting with me?
Her hand squeezed mine more. She was flirting with me! I wanted to shout with happiness and run away at the same time. I couldn't think of a thing to say, my mouth hanging open When she laughed it snapped shut again, and I was able to smile.
"Well, I guess you have a few other interesting qualities," I managed to flirt back, letting my eyes sweep over the beautiful woman next to me. She ducked her head away, and I thought she'd be blushing if blood still flowed through her veins.
"Edward, what are you doing!?"
Bella's shout drew my attention from her lovely form, which was now twisted in my direction. Her eyes were glued to my dashboard, and I turned my head back to the road as I tried to figure out what had upset her.
"What?"
"You're going one hundred and twenty miles an hour! Are you crazy?"
"Bella, we're vampires. Even if I lost control of the car, and I won't, neither of us would be hurt in a crash," I pointed out.
She raised accusing eyes to mine. "And what about all the humans and animals you could injure? It doesn't make sense to drive recklessly yet abstain from killing humans during feeding. They'll be dead either way! We may have vampire reflexes, but cars still obey the laws of physics," she scolded me.
I thought her concerns were baseless, but I found myself reducing my speed to something closer to the speed limit. Trust the daughter of a cop to care about breaking traffic laws, vampire or not. Bella's smug satisfaction as she settled back into her seat again should have grated on my nerves, but instead I wanted to laugh. She had been like a fierce kitten defending her position, and it was adorable. I would never tell her that, of course.
Silence descended in the confines of the car once again after that, and soon it was too much for me. I reached over and turned on my stereo. Debussy was the last CD I was listening to in here, and the strains of Claire de Lune filled the air around us. Bella's gasp drew my attention, and I was relieved to see the delighted smile on her face. Many modern people disliked classical music, but it looked like she wasn't one of them.
"Oh, I know this! I think…I think my mom used to listen to it sometimes."
"It's one of my favorites, cliché as it may seem. My mother was also particularly fond of the Suite bergamasque, which Clair de Lune is part of. She loved when I would play it for her." I couldn't remember much in the way of details about my human life, but that I knew as a certainty.
"Your human mother?" Bella asked, and I realized that she must be as curious about my past as I was about hers.
"Hmmm, yes. I don't remember as much about her, or my human life, as I wish, but I do remember that."
Bella bit her lip and then asked, "How old are—were you, when you were changed?"
It was not something I enjoyed admitting, as I'd always been the youngest in the family, physically anyway. However, I answered her readily enough. "I was seventeen."
"And…how long have you been seventeen?"
"Eighty-eight years." I couldn't tell if the answer disappointed her or not.
She was silent for a few moments and then nodded. "So you're older than Alice, even though you don't look it." Her eyes dropped to her lap. "So I guess I'm going to be the baby of the family in more ways than one," she muttered.
I raised my eyebrows. "Why's that?"
"I was only sixteen when I changed. My birthday isn't until September, and it was in August. I don't feel sixteen anymore, though."
I sighed. "No, and you won't, even when you're in high school surrounded by teenagers who are your physical peers. Our personalities and bodies may not change, but our experiences will still affect us. I think it is hardest on those of us who have consumed human blood and both regret and desire it." There. Let her make of that would she would. I had more or less just confessed to the darkest aspect of my own story.
"You—but I thought all of the Cullens are vegetarians!" she burst out, as I expected.
"We are, but we have almost all struggled with the diet. Surely you've noticed how much better human blood tastes and smells, compared to that of lesser animals. I've told you my own story, of course." I glanced to the side and waited for her nod to continue. "Some of us are…less able to resist the lure. The desire is there, but the will is sometimes weak. Jasper has the most difficulty. He was changed during the Civil War and didn't come to our lifestyle for almost one hundred years. The impulse to hunt humans is very strong for him, but his reason for trying to adhere to the animal diet is just as strong. His ability is to feel the emotions of others, and he could feel his victims' deaths in a way no one else can."
Bella gasped, and I nodded. "It took its toll on him, as you might imagine. Unfortunately, each of us, with the exception of Carlisle and Rose, has slipped up, as we call it. That's how we refer to accidental loss of control. We are caught in a weak moment, much like a recovering alcoholic faced with a rare aged scotch."
"Have any of the rest of you intentionally fed from humans?" She sounded as if she didn't really want to know, but I answered anyway. I'd already told her about my rebellious phase, but it was important that she know about the others so that she would be able to help them guard against their baser natures.
I shook my head but sighed. "Not intentionally, but…there are humans who smell—amazing. The Volturi call it la tua cantante, although they might not have mentioned it while you were there. A human's blood will sing to us, giving us no option but to feed. Emmett has faced this twice. And Jasper has moments when he hasn't fed recently enough and a small action can set him off, although usually Alice tries to watch for that. Still, some things she can only see moments before they happen."
Bella made no sound. She didn't even breathe. I berated myself for disturbing her.
She surprised me out of my worries. "I can understand. I wish I didn't, but I do. I think I could have chosen not to feed, even as a newborn. Renata, who guided me through the beginning of my first year, said that I was very controlled. They used that word a lot. But I needed to survive, for my parents' sake if nothing else. Everyone was very clear about what might happen if I didn't obey. So I justified my killing by asking for the weakest, those who were dying or likely to based on their current health, usually the oldest humans our procurer could find. I thought that would ease the guilt some. It never did."
This time I took her hand in mine. "No, it doesn't. But that's why the animal diet is worth it. The more animals we kill, the fewer humans we kill. It doesn't take away the guilt, but it's reassuring to know we don't have to be monsters."
"Does that make you and I reformed monsters?" Her lips quirked up slightly.
I laughed. "I guess you could say that."
She nodded. "I can accept that. It will be nice to have someone around who understands."
A glow filled me, and the resistance I'd been trying to hold against falling for this woman crumbled. She was intelligent, beautiful, compassionate, and she saw the strange world we lived in with much the same perspective that I did. What wasn't to love? Yes, love. Suddenly I didn't care that it was too soon, that we hadn't even known each other a full day. None of that mattered.
"Yes, it will be," I managed to reply to her last statement around the lump in my throat. Her smile grew, and her hand stayed in mine, our fingers now entwined.
We spent the rest of the drive on lighter topics, exchanging likes and dislikes as well as details on our vampire experiences. I was happy that our musical tastes were similar, although I considered most of her favorite books no better than sappy romances with little resemblance to real-life situations and characters. She passionately defended them when I pointed that out, and we drove through British Columbia debating our separate stances before agreeing to disagree.
We stopped only for gas. Whenever I returned to the car, Bella's hand found mine once we were on our way. It was a new sensation, one I quite enjoyed. She never said a word about it, and I could tell from the studious way she avoided looking at our joined hands that mentioning it would embarrass her. I contented myself with knowing that she sought out my touch.
By the time we left Yukon Territory and began the long winding journey on the Alaskan backroads, I felt more at ease with her than anyone I could remember. My resistance to forming a connection with her outside of the platonic relationship I shared with the other members of the family had melted away, and now I eagerly pursued it. As I couldn't read her mind, I waited impatiently for every word she chose to share with me, examining the revelations as a jeweler with a particularly fascinating gemstone.
Usually I found this part of the drive tedious. It was mountain after mountain and vast expanse after vast expanse, with few human settlements in between to add some variation. If I wasn't driving my Viper, I would prefer to run past the monotony. Bella's presence made it more than bearable. I enjoyed myself so much that I felt disappointed when I began to see signs for Denali, even though it was still many miles away.
Bella seemed to pick up on my slight change in mood. "What's wrong?" she asked, immediately scanning the passing terrain.
"Nothing." I flashed her a reassuring smile. "I just realized that we'll be at our cousins' home soon, and our trip will end."
Her eyes met mine. "Don't you look forward to seeing the rest of your family?"
I grimaced. "We're closer to the Denali coven than to most other vampires, but there are occasional tensions. Also, I am enjoying getting to know you, Bella."
She smiled, the shy one I was coming to love. "I'm having fun, too." She paused and then continued hesitantly. "I don't want to get so caught up in meeting new people that we won't be able to spend time together."
"I definitely won't let that happen," I promised, squeezing her hand.
"Good." She squeezed back, and we continued getting to know each other for the rest of the trip.