A/N: Hi everyone! It's been a long and interesting two years, hasn't it? So much time has passed since the last time I updated. To tell you the truth, I gave up. I gave up on my writing. I gave up on this fic. I gave up on myself. But for some reason, last night, I had this horrible feeling of 'how am I supposed to get better at writing if I don't continually write fics as practice?' Whether it be done well or done horribly, at least I can say that I tried my very best. There's a nod in here about meeting one's end and finishing what you had set out to do. In many ways, I relate to Tris. I hope you can too. Sorry for the extremely late update. Enjoy the story. (:
TRIS:
I have been running for a long time.
I trip on something, but I get up immediately, wiping the dirt off my knees. The trees blur past me like I'm on a train heading off to an unknown place. I don't stop to see if Tobias is beside me, running just as hard, just as fast. I know he is. I know that we are both just as desperate to get away from this place; whatever this place is.
But there is this nagging feeling inside me that this land – the Capitol, Katniss had called it – is not so different from the Factions. The way Katniss had described it, with so much fear and hatred and anxiety in her words and in her face, I knew that she had been shaped by her circumstances, unwantedly. I could relate.
I had never asked to be raised in Abnegation. I had never asked to be taught the principles of selflessness. I had never asked to be injected with needles and subjected to a test that told me I was different from everyone else. I had already come to the answer that I was not like the others. The fact that there was a word to label who I truly was, not Abnegation, not Dauntless, was truly hilarious. I was divergent. That word still doesn't mean much to me. I am Tris. Now that had meaning.
But the most important thing wasn't whether I was different or how special I was, it was the fact that I was never given a choice in the things that mattered. It was only that fateful Choosing Ceremony when I had felt like I was in control of my future, in control of who I was to become. And I had chosen dauntless. I had chosen to be brave. After that, I was just being me.
As I run and run and run through these forsaken woods, I realize something: Being selfless and being brave aren't all that different. There are two sides of the same coin. They just require a bit of nerve to get them up and running through you.
"We're almost there! Just a little bit farther," Tobias utters, his breath catching in his throat. I could hear the strain in his voice, how incredibly tired he was becoming. I am getting tired as well and I feel grateful to use him as an excuse, just this once. I stop suddenly, my legs giving out and I collapse to the ground, in a clearing of leaves and branches and small rocks.
"Tris!" Tobias calls out, or more accurately, whispers loudly until I hear a thud! noise of a body falling to the ground next to me. Tobias has collapsed just as well. He grips my arm and pushes me back until my chest faces the sky. I don't pay any attention to what he says next. Instead, I lay where I am and look off.
"Are you okay?" Tobias asks me. He shakes my arm. When I don't answer him, he shakes it again.
"I am so tired of this. I am tired of running, Tobias. Where are we even going? That star on your map, it'll lead us to a dead end, I know it."
"Tris, drink some water. You're not thinking straight." I still don't turn to look at him, but I hear shuffling inside a backpack before my head is being turned to face him and lifted up so that I can drink out of a canteen. I drink more than I should, almost half the water is gone, but I don't regret it. I might not live for much longer and I'll need all the energy I can muster.
After I take my turn, Tobias drinks as well. I am aware of the moment his lips touch where my lips had been and it is almost like we've kissed. It's been a long time since we've left the Factions that Tobias and I have done such a thing. He puts away the canteen after his fill and leans back to sit and stare up at the sky. We both sit like this for a good ten minutes, forgetting about the soldiers wearing white armor that now have bullet holes through their chests or Katniss, whose sister I now owe a debt to for saving my life.
"Now that I am seemingly thinking straight, thank you, by the way, you still haven't answered my question," I say, to Tobias. Without thinking too much about it, I lace my fingers with Tobias on the dirt.
He looks at me, his eyes speaking another language I can't quite understand just yet. The sun filtering through the canopy of trees above us slashes a line of light across his face. The shadow planes of his cheekbones are illuminated by it and it makes him look beautiful. Nothing like the violent, vulnerable boy from my days as a Dauntless initiate. All around us, as if sensing the memories bubbling up inside my mind, birds begin to chirp a tune. It sounds like a tune coming from one of my recent dreams, a jay mocking me. Tobias clenches our fingers together before speaking, his eyes never leaving my face. "Let me rewind for you about why we're here. My mother, a poor example of one, seeks to rule the Factions from the Erudite headquarters – "
"I knew that."
"Let me finish," Tobias says, sighing, but it wasn't a particularly unhappy or impatient sigh. I chuckle. He continues. "My mother thought it was a good idea to recruit some of our good old Dauntless friends to be her lackeys, to work in her new government. Zeke, Christina, even Peter, that bastard. It was some way of showing the peace, a chance at amicability. It seemed to be a good idea at first, until…" Tobias trails off and raises an eyebrow at me.
"What?" I say.
"You knew all that too. Why don't you finish the story? We're the only ones listening," He says. I give him a knowing smile.
"Gladly," I shift a bit, scooting closer to Tobias, until our shoulders touch. We are still sitting on the ground. Tobias' backpack, where his gun and my knife are stuffed neatly in its pockets, sit peacefully interrupted beside us.
I can take all the time I want here. There is no one to find us; Tobias has killed most of the soldiers guarding the fence, and the ones who might think to follow us from the village we had just come from, they would know that I can throw a weighty punch. They should know not to try anything.
"Everything seemed to be working out until your mother and Christina had an argument regarding the deceased. They didn't agree on where to bury the bodies who had died in the gunfight as you and I were fighting our ways to get to Jeanine. Your mother wanted to bury them where the factionless lived near the Abnegation houses. Christina wanted to bury them in their respective factions, the places they had chosen for themselves. There had been a lot of going back and forth, many words had been exchanged and not a lot of it was pleasant for the ears."
"I recall some of those rather unpleasant words coming out of one Tris Prior as well," Tobias says jokingly. He nudges my shoulder when I roll my eyes, but I don't disagree with him. I close my eyes and let the sun's warmth soak me.
"I agreed with Christina. Those bodies, those people – Lynn, even Jeanine – deserved to be buried where they had chosen to belong. They should not have to be buried in a place that was for the undefined." I say.
"Like you? Like me? Like us?" He says. I snap my eyes open and twist my body around to face him, hardly caring that my back was turned to the trees closest to us, open and vulnerable.
"We are defined, Tobias. We are divergent. Don't you ever forget it. Regarding us…" I didn't know where we stand. We meet each other's eyes, our fingers intertwining as if afraid to let go, the light from above illuminating us and I think: I want it to be like this forever, for as much time as I can get.
"Okay, I do not have time for this bullshit!" A male voice shouts from behind Tobias and me. I whirl around to see a white man stumbling out from behind the trees holding what seems to be an arrow meant to be strapped to a bow, followed quickly by another man, more like a boy, yanking him down to hide them both in the safety of the woods. Too late for that, I think.
"Haymitch, you stupid idiot!" says a she – it was an unmistakably female voice. Katniss.
"They're over there sitting in a clearing of trees with the sunlight streaming down like the god damn heavens have opened up and we're just over here listening to them trying to define their fucking relationship like a bunch of Capitol busy bodies."
"But why did you have to give us aw –" The boy begins, but is abruptly cut off; his sounds of protest muffling with an audible hush. I look over to where Tobias is, about to scream for him to arm me, but he had noticed the trees rustling earlier and the birds singing that song. He is already prepared. He has his gun in his left hand and is handing over my knife with his right. I don't have a gun of my own, but I hold the knife with the steady reassurance of practice. Better a weapon than none.
"Come out from behind there, Katniss. Right now," I say.
"And friends," Tobias says. He aims the gun at the trees, at where the white man – Haymitch - had been.
"And friends." I repeat. I twirl my knife in my hand reflexively.
Slowly, as if time was being generous to us, (or them…I'm not sure yet), Katniss comes out from behind the trees. It is like the trees have absorbed her and she is now willing herself to come out of camouflage; she is that good at blending in. She has a bow up and an arrow nocked in it. She is aiming at Tobias, matching his fighting stance with one of her own. Surely, if one were to release their weapon, whether it is Tobias or Katniss, I know deep down that both would surely die, no matter the type of arsenal.
"Why did you let us overhear you? You stalled." Katniss says, to me. Her eyes never leave Tobias. Her body is positioned so that she is standing in front of the patch of bushes that Haymitch and undoubtedly, that boy with pale blond hair were hiding. I know that she would protect them with her life.
"Because we needed you to trust us. I think…I think we might need your help." Tobias says, his eyes crinkling in deep thought.
"What kind of help?" Katniss asks.
"Yeah, what kind of help?" Haymitch says from behind the bushes. Katniss careens her neck back a bit to snap at him. Tobias and I hear him say, "We didn't come out all the way here just for me to sit here and not talk!" Something similar to a slap resonates through the woods. Then there is silence.
"Go on," She says, tiredly, turning back to us.
This time, I choose to speak. "Hear me out. Tell your friends it's safe and I can finish the story I was telling earlier. And it'll be your decision whether to help us or not." It seems Katniss won't trust Tobias, but maybe she'll trust me. It is foolish, but I drop my knife to the ground. Tobias makes an incoherent noise beside me but I ignore him. I raise my hands up in the air as if I was surrendering.
Katniss shifts her attention to me, her arrow still poised to strike. We have a stare down for what felt like several minutes before she says, "Tell your boyfriend to drop his gun."
"No way," Tobias says, lifting his gun higher, the bullet sure enough to rip through Katniss' skull if fired. "Tris already let go of her knife. Now it's your turn to drop your bow and arrow."
At that moment, the boy from earlier comes out from behind the bushes. He has his hands up as well. "Katniss, it's okay. I think we can trust them. You said earlier that there must be a reason why they're here. You're right. And now we only know half the story." The boy meets my eyes and it is compassionate. He wants to help. This boy is smart, using his kindness as his preferred weapon, which means he must be watched at all times.
With a huff, Katniss lowers her bow and puts the arrow back into her pack. She gestures for Haymitch to come out and the half-drunken man stumbles into the clearing, barely standing on his legs. The boy immediately goes to him and puts Haymitch's arm over his shoulders. He helps Haymitch sit and he does the same.
Tobias lowers his gun as well but doesn't put it away. He stuffs it in his front pocket like it's a holster. I crumble to the ground, exhausted already, the anxiety from earlier eating me up inside. Tobias lifts up his backpack from the ground and hands me the canteen of water. I swallow every last drop.
"What's your name?" Tobias nods to the boy. The boy stops fussing over Haymitch and meets Tobias' eyes, curiously.
"My name's Peeta. And this is Haymitch, as I'm sure you've noticed…he's very drunk right now." Haymitch has his head on Peeta's shoulder with his eyes closed but when his name is mentioned, he lifts his hand up and waves in acknowledgment before dropping his hand to his lap. "Yours?"
Tobias hesitates before speaking. It still takes him some getting used to before willingly telling people his real name. But he tells Peeta that it is Tobias and not Four. I am proud of him, for his small moment of victory.
Katniss nods to me, still standing, but not armed. "So, Tris, finish the story."
"Where was I?" I say. Then I remember. "Ah, Christina was arguing with Tobias' mother about where to bury the dead bodies from the gunfight we had with one of the factions, Erudite. You see, Evelyn, Tobias' mother, ended up winning that fight and Christina was livid. She refused to work for Evelyn's new government and her entire family followed suit. It wasn't long before the rest of our friends, the Dauntless faction or what was left of it, to abandon Evelyn as well."
I pause. I remember clearly what happened next. There had been another gunfight, now between the factionless and the dauntless, but no one died. There were some injuries, but nothing fatal. Another violent event after another. Is this my life now? A life of violence and blood?
"And then?" Katniss asks.
"And then Christina's family joined up with Johanna, the leader of the Amity faction. But Christina's mother became sick and they could not do much to help the movement against Evelyn." Tobias says. Christina's mother had been in contact with some of the Amity food that had turned rotten over time and fallen irreplaceably ill.
"What were you and Tobias doing during that entire time?" Peeta asks. Haymitch snores on his shoulder, blissfully unaware of the conversation. The birds have stopped singing their song.
"We were as much as part of it as our friends were. But we were not in the center of it. When Jeanine…when Jeanine had been killed by one of our own, the attention had shifted to other more immediate matters. One of them about a land beyond the electric fence that surrounded our factions." I say carefully.
Katniss raises her eyebrow. "A land beyond the electric fence…" Katniss mutters. She widens her eyes. "Are you here because you and Tobias crossed the fence and ended up here? In District 12?"
"No. We didn't cross over that fence. That would've been suicide, though Tobias and I have been mulling it over. We crossed another fence that bordered the houses where the former Abnegation had lived, close to where the factionless resided. And ended up in…the sign had said, District 8." I say.
"District 8? The textile District?" Peeta asks. He meets Katniss' eyes and they both are shocked.
Katniss whirls her head to me. "Why did you cross over?"
Tobias steps up. And Katniss backs up involuntarily. "Because my mother was going to ruin our damn world with her corrupt and unstable government and she didn't care whether Christina and her family joined her or not. But I care. Tris cares. And Christina's mother was falling ill, dying really and Johanna was ready to give up. We needed a new leader and no one wanted to step up."
"Why didn't you lead?" Peeta asks Tobias. Then he asks me. "Why not you?"
"Because when we lead, not many good things come out of it," I say.
Katniss moves her gaze to rest on me when I utter those words. She seems to be having a premonition, her face ashen and pale, a contrast to her olive skin and her dark complexion. She cast her eyes away when she notices me staring.
"That doesn't really answer why you're here. Are you trying to find someone from one of the districts to lead you and your factions? That sounds impossible." Katniss says.
"Much like it's impossible for our worlds to be situated right next to each other and both of us having no idea that the other exists?" I say, arching my eyebrow. "I think at this point, anything can happen." I get up, brushing off the dirt from my butt. I steady myself by leaning slightly on Tobias.
"Here's the thing. We need to find someone – Christina claimed she knew someone from a long time ago that could help us, that can show us to the person who will lead us against Evelyn. And he lives here, in your world." I gesture for Tobias to pull out his map. He does and shows it to Katniss and Peeta. They look at the map and their eyes run over it in recognition.
They notice the star on one of the houses, the name labeled on it and where it's located. Katniss immediately shakes her head and Peeta's breath stutters, Haymitch's body almost falling onto his lap. "Oh no. We are NOT going to the Capitol. We can't – we cannot go there." Katniss looks around as if someone is watching her, her hands raking through her hair. "We will be killed. We will surely be killed if we go there."
"How so?" Tobias asks.
This time, Peeta answers. "The Capitol is where all the wealthy and elitist citizens of Panem live. They are the ones who watch and bet on the Hunger Games like gamblers in a fistfight. President Snow lives there and so do most of his soldiers – the Peacekeepers. Katniss and I, we won the last Hunger Games, the 74th one, and almost faced retribution for what we did in the arena." Peeta looks around him as if trying to find any hidden cameras. Would this world truly have hidden camera as well? "We would face worse than death if we got caught in the Capitol. We can't help you." Peeta finishes.
There is no longer any kindness in his eyes. Peeta looks at me and Tobias with ruthless determination and stubbornness. Katniss wears a matching expression. I grow desperate. I can hear the blood pounding in my heart, in my ears, in my head. It's possible that I'm afraid of the concept of failure, of not meeting my mission's end. It's a daunting task after all, the reason why I'm here as the only thing propelling me forward. But I'm not running away anymore. I am going to run towards the end.
I will succeed. I will live to see this finished. I throw down my last choice of weaponry.
"The man that Christina told us that would help us – his name is Cinna. Do you know him?"
That is when a flash goes off and we are all blinded.