Jasper felt, more than saw, Ruby sidle up to her as she sat at the curb outside her house. They had taken the weekend to visit their families, and already nostalgia was starting to set in. Ruby could see it in the way Jasper's eyes drifted across the splendid polluted sunset, the lights that were just starting to turn on in the old brick apartments.

"D'you remember when we climbed into Agate's parent's room through the fire escape to get our stash?" she was smiling the smile of the old Jasper, and Ruby couldn't help but grin back.

"Yeah, I remember you getting us caught." Ruby snorted, sitting down next to her large friend. She had been large all her life, and Ruby had watched the muscle sculpted out of fat as Jasper had become harder, become an adult.

"So you gonna invite me in or what? I know your dad's cooking his pasta."

Jasper smirked, groaning slightly as she lifted herself off the curb.

"Why ask when I know you're just gonna invite yourself in?" she offered a hand to help Ruby up, pulling the other girl up and straight into a noogie.

"No! Fucking hell! Gerroff!" Ruby squirmed, kicking Jasper so that she backed off, grinning, hands up in the air. Ruby growled and punched her on the shoulder, hard, grumbling.

"Thought you'd cut that shit out once you figured I could kick your ass," she patted her head tenderly.

"Here want me to rub it better for you?" Jasper offered, laughing as Ruby put her hands up in a mockery of a fight. Ruby could see the bruises blooming on Jasper's shins, felt bad for taking it too far, though Jasper would never acknowledge she hurt her. She was too scrappy in fights, responded too violently, too quickly. Just instinct. They walked inside the house, where the lights in the kitchen were blazing and Jasper could see the silhouette of her dad alone in the kitchen.

It was almost as though nothing had changed. They fell into their old routine, the familiar heat of the family kitchen making Jasper drowsy so that she set the table with loud clinks, almost re-chipping the chipped plates and glasses, slumping in her chair when she was finished and putting her feet up on the table only for Boris to immediately smack them off again. As she and Ruby waited for Boris to finish cooking, Jasper extending her huge body to occupy as much space as she could while Ruby fiddled with her cutlery. They chatted a little about various university characters, aware of Boris' keen ears. Occasionally he would snort at a funny anecdote, the whiskers of his beard making a little whistle as he did. Eventually, he sat down, pouring equal amounts of hot pasta onto their plates straight from the pan with caramelized onions. They dug in, and the ritualistic grilling began. First, they confirmed that yes, they were working hard at their studies, yes, they were not starting any trouble with teachers, yes, they were eating well. Jasper rolled her eyes at her dad's probing into her love life, and when he asked about the roommate she visibly scowled, making him change the subject nervously again to the coursework. It was as warm and cozy in the kitchen as it had always been, and by the end of the meal when the three of them sat, stuffed, around the tartan table, Jasper felt almost like the chubby child she had once been. The only difference being her brothers were no longer sat with them. Their chairs were still there, two empty seats between Jasper and her father, Boris. She sighed a little in contentment.

"I know, Jasper, that you miss your brothers as I miss them." Boris said sadly, his eyes also on the empty chairs.

"Yes, dad," she said sourly, exchanging a quick glance with Ruby.

When Jasper and Ruby were alone in her old room, silence enveloped them and the urge to break it became louder and louder until finally Ruby blurted.
"Do you really miss your brothers?"

Jasper did not reply for a while, her face caught between answering and grimacing. Finally, she spit out,

"No."

She flopped down on the bed, turning her back on Ruby and staring at the wall. Ruby joined her, wrapping her arms around her legs as she sat at the end of the bed.

"Me neither," she admitted to the blanketed lump. It sat up.

"It's not something to be proud of, Ruby. They were- They ARE my family and I'm glad they're gone. That's not how I'm supposed to feel. And it's not like I can claim that I'm any better than them, that I'm the pure innocent girl and they were pigs. I'm just as bad as them, and if they're in jail I should be to."

Jasper's eyes were wild, her nails digging into the flesh of her palms. Ruby gulped.

"I-" she trailed off, looking away. "It's not your fault," she said lamely. Jasper snorted, the bed creaking as she thudded back down on it. Ruby's face set, and she nudged closer to Jasper with determination.

"It's not! Look, I know you still feel all messed up about Lapis, and I won't deny that was all kinda flavours of fucked up. But don't tell me you haven't been thinking about that girl you room with, P-something. I think you should go for it. You deserve..." Ruby faltered, thinking about the way Sapphire completed her, made her feel whole when she began spiralling. She didn't know how to help Jasper, didn't know how to reach wherever Jasper went when she thought about Lapis and what they had done to each other.

"You don't get it." Jasper mumbled, and Ruby couldn't argue. They sat in silence for a few moment more, before Jasper carried on.

"It's not just about getting over Lapis. You didn't see her family when she moved in- well, her mum actually. She dressed like crap and you wouldn't know it but Peri's loaded, and there's no way that mum would ever let her daughter have a-, well, have me, as a girlfriend. At most I'd just be her college phase. She'd talk about me later in secret with her other suburban mum friends and they'd laugh and have another fucking glass of wine. And that's not gonna happen. Not if I can do anything about it." Jasper's voice had turned dark and bitter, and Ruby stared in surprise at this side of her friend. She hadn't known Jasper to speak like this since her brothers had been imprisoned, in that tired, angry voice that sent shivers down Ruby's back.

"You can't go through life hurting forever Jasper. Not if I can do anything about it." Ruby needed to talk to Sapphire, needed to sort through all the shit Jasper had just dumped on her. She slipped out the bed room and crept out the house, leaving Jasper huddled up on the bed, and towards the comforting light of her girlfriend's apartment.