Dean blinked a few times, his head felt foggy and his eyes were dry. He remembered trying to stay awake with Castiel, he'd known that Cas would try something like he had the night before and Dean wasn't going to have any of that this time. He intended to force Castiel to sleep if he had to, though he wasn't sure how he'd go about it.
He remembered waking up a few times, Cas had tried to slip away but Dean was sleeping so shallowly that every little bit of movement woke him. He remembered Cas grumbling at him, purposefully not speaking English.
Now he couldn't get his bearings straight. The room was dark, there was a little bit of light but it was dim and not enough to give him any idea of what time it might be. He couldn't feel Cas with him but as much as he wanted to sit up and look around he felt too heavy to do it. Dean groaned and tried to sit upright, his arms struggled to move and when they finally did he felt a sharp pain run down his back.
He screamed out but didn't hear his voice, it was Cas'. Dean's eyes widened, he was dreaming again.
The pain shot down his spine and felt like it was burning deep into his skin. He ground his teeth together and hissed in a breath, his entire body shook from the agony. Something wasn't right, his back felt like it was torn in half, he'd made the mistake of moving once and it was enough to wake his brain to the presence of pain.
Dean tried to move his arms again, they were still heavy and didn't budge, but something behind him did. He knew what it was; he knew it was Cas' wings. Something he noticed immediately about his mental state was that Castiel's mind wasn't active like it been in the beginning. It was hazy, his thoughts were garbled and he almost seemed mindless if it weren't for his emotions. Confusion was the first thing Dean understood, fear was the next.
Castiel didn't think in words or functioning thoughts, it was all feeling but it made enough sense to Cas that he didn't seem to be less effective as a living being. Cas cried out again as he tried to move about one more time. Dean felt paralyzed by the pain, his chest was tight and his breathing came in sharp, frozen gasps. He trembled and tried to get his mind in working order, everything was washing away and he couldn't do anything.
He was scared, stuck in a dark hole in the ground with a split open back that hurt too much to think about. He couldn't focus, he didn't know if that was because of Castiel's own haziness or if that was because he had fallen too far in. It frightened him, his brain wasn't working right. He wanted to tell himself it was just a dream, he'd wake up, but the words weren't sitting right. They became odd sounds that he couldn't understand; his own thoughts came in gibberish.
Dean tried to speak but it sounded more like a whimpering dog than a word. He strained to sit up again; he had no control over himself. The appendages in his back moved and he screamed, somehow he'd managed to use the wrong limbs.
What was left of his functioning mind started to dissolve; the dream swallowed up his conscious thought and melded him with Castiel.
He was terrified.
It felt like he'd been there forever, the ground was familiar, the hole was his.
He was in pain.
A sound of rushing air and a beep caught his attention and his stomach twisted. He was hungry, how long had it been since he'd eaten?
He was hungry.
He found the strength to crawl, each movement was agony and he could feel his skin rubbing against an unfamiliar surface. Every little bit of ground that he gained a horrible noise left his vocal chords, just breathing was complete misery.
The lights suddenly turned on and he flinched, everything flashed white for a few seconds and he blinked uncomfortably in its glow. As his eyes adjusted and he crawled out of his hole he saw an old man outside the glass, his stomach turned and his back ached.
He felt sick.
He couldn't think.
He threw up, it was all fluids and almost clear.
He dragged himself over it without thinking.
Finally, after what felt like ages, he reached the place where his food had risen from the floor. It was instinct; he knew exactly where it was. There was large bowl of an odd mixture but he recognized it as food so he ate it.
It didn't have a taste, not that he cared to notice.
His back hurt, tears fell from his eyes and into his bowl, he ate those too.
"Dean?"
His mind snapped back and he felt like hurling again. Dean felt disconnected from what he was seeing, like the world had just shaken free of him.
"Dean, are you okay?"
"What's happening?" he asked shakily, he was choked up and his voice was breaking.
"It's a nightmare, Dean. You aren't in pain, I am."
Dean took an unusually harsh breath, he was sure that it was his pain. "I'm so confused."
"It's okay; I'm trying to wake you up."
"Cas?"
"Yes?"
"That's really you?"
"Yes," Castiel's voice was so surreal but comforting, Dean tried to hang onto it with all his might.
"I had so many things I wanted to talk to you about, I can't remember, I'm so confused-"
"It's okay," Cas said softly, "I know the feeling, just take a deep breath and try to calm down."
Dean could see his hands, or Cas' hands, digging into the food, tears clouded his vision. "This is awful," he whispered hoarsely, "Do you remember all of this?"
"It's tough to explain, but sort of? I have a vague understanding of it, by that I mean the conscious me."
"Yeah, I kinda figured." Dean was starting to feel a little better, "Are the others…"
"They're experiencing this too, I'm sure. I'm not that good of a multi-tasker these days."
Dean knew he should be worried about that but he couldn't quite connect himself to that thought. "I know I don't know you that well, Cas." He swallowed nervously; he could feel Cas there now. It was like they shared the same space, he couldn't look at Castiel but he knew that he was there. "I know you don't want me to say anything, but you should know that I care about you too. I can't know you yet, that's not fair, but the parts of you that I've gotten to know… they're amazing. You're amazing, I want to stay with you, I need to help you and… I want to love you properly."
He felt a wave of warmth, an overwhelming feeling he couldn't quite explain but it made his chest flutter.
"Thank you," Cas whispered, "I needed to hear that."
Dean smiled, he wanted to say more but he felt a sudden pain in his cheek. Confused and stunned he stayed still but it happened again and his body felt like it was shaking. Dean struggled against an invisible person and tried to move from their grip but it just wouldn't break.
"DEE!" The cry was sharp and felt like a knife in his ear.
Dean tried to fight again at first but his mind was coming around, he knew what it was. He knew what that pain in his face was and the only one who ever called him 'Dee' in earnest. He remembered seeing Cas shake Jet and slap him in the face more than once, had he fallen in too deep? He couldn't wake up?
Panic rushed through him as he heard another shout from Cas and his body shook.
Then his eyes flashed open without him ever closing them. He stared up at a shining, blinding light, his breathing was ragged and he felt a cold sweat.
"Dee!" Cas cried and dropped onto him, nuzzling him hard and digging his fingers in a little too much.
"Cas," he gasped for air and dropped his arms over Cas' shoulders, staring up at the ceiling of his room with slowly fading disorientation. The light from Cas' eyes was slowly dimming too, but he could still see it despite closed lids. "Sorry," he whispered tiredly and brushed his hand through Castiel's hair, "Didn't mean to scare you."
"It's my fault," Cas mumbled against him, "I'm sorry."
"You can't help it," Dean took a deep breath to level himself. He was getting his bearings straight again, he could figure out where he was and he could think in normal words. That was the first real glimpse into what Castiel's mind had become and it made him feel horrible. Cas was getting better but Dean couldn't blame Cas for anything that happened, not a single thing. Cas made the decision to connect their minds when he couldn't even think straight, how could that ever be his fault?
Cas sniffled a little and sat up, looking at Dean with his natural eyes again, "Are you okay?"
"I am," Dean smiled reassuringly and leaned forward to kiss Cas' forehead. "It's okay, Cas."
Castiel's smile was so warm and genuine that Dean couldn't help but feel better. Cas leaned in and kissed him on the lips again, letting Dean fall into it and lose reality for a little while. It was warm and welcoming; Cas was softer than Dean thought he'd be.
When Dean came back around and they lifted away from one another he decided to look for clues as to what time it was. The sun was up but not by much, he figured something around 7 or so.
Cas chittered softly and snuggled up to his chest. Dean smiled and rested his head against Cas', "What'd you say?" he asked and felt Cas bristle a little bit.
"Uh," Cas frowned and looked at Dean seriously, "I'm not sure how… to trans…late it."
Dean nodded, "Well, right back atcha."
Cas giggled and kissed him again, it was a quick little peck but it still made Dean's day.
"We should check on the others, I'm worried about Sam." He said after a few more moments of comfort and Cas' warmth.
"Good idea," Cas agreed as he pulled himself up, his wings flapping gently to help him, "I'm worried too. Chet doesn't… handle it well."
"No, he doesn't," Dean hopped out of bed too and the pair headed into the hall. Dean's first stop was Sam's room; he opened the door just to peek in. No movement. Jet wasn't there this time, "Sammy," Dean whispered and snuck into the room. Sam was lying on his side, from behind he looked fine but Dean caught a glimpse of the twisted expression. "Sam," he said louder and shook his brother's shoulder.
Sam was much easier than he had been, apparently, because that was enough to startle the younger Winchester and bring him around. "Wha- Dean?" He blinked blearily but Dean could see the complete confusion behind a sleepy look.
"Hey, you okay?" Dean smiled knowingly and Sam stared at him as reality came back around.
"I…" Sam put his hand to his forehead and stared blankly for a few seconds, "I don't… what happened? Was that another nightmare?"
"Probably," Dean knelt down beside the bed and touched Sam's hand, a way to ground him in reality. Dean used to do that when they were little, Sam used to have nightmares about planes crashing after their parents had died. Dean always held his hand or touched it, just a little, just enough to give him a sense of reality. "You okay?"
"I dreamt… I was Cas again, I couldn't do anything."
"Were the wings a new addition?"
"Yeah," Sam's brow furrowed and he tried to shake it off, "It hurt."
"I had the same one," Dean gave Sam's hand a light squeeze, "Cas woke me up, I was in pretty deep."
Sam was still in a nervous sweat but he started to get up, "I'll go check on Jet, you see Charlie."
Dean held Sam's hand a little tighter, "Whoa, whoa, take a second to calm down."
"I'm calm," Sam argued but Dean didn't fall for it.
"Just sit down, okay? I was really shaken up; Cas talked to me in my dream and disconnected it before I even woke. I can't imagine what's going on in your head so just sit and get your head straight."
Sam recognized the big brother tone and listened for once. He sat down and dropped his face into his hands; Dean could see him shaking a little bit. Before he could say anything, though, Cas hopped onto the bed next to Sam and wrapped his wings around.
"It's okay, Sam." Cas spoke so gently, "You aren't hurt… it was just… me."
Sam looked at Cas as he just smiled, a soft, tender glow in his eyes. Tears slipped from Sam's eyes as he held Cas' gaze, there was no sound from him, not a sob or a sniffle. He leaned over and hugged Castiel; he had nothing to say to that.
They were there together for a few minutes, Dean sat at the bedside while Sam refused to let go of Cas. It wasn't an audible refusal, Dean could just tell.
The door was still open; none of them noticed anyone in the entrance until Jet cleared his throat. Dean blinked in surprise and turned his head up to see his friend, Jet didn't look as fresh as a daisy per se but he didn't look as bad as Dean had seem him previously. "You managed to wake up,"
"Not without help," Jet pointed up at the sleepy girl on his shoulders resting against his head. Desirae looked a little more rough than Jet did, Dean could imagine she hadn't enjoyed seeing him like that either. "I'm glad you were up already," Jet told Dean specifically as he walked in and sat down with him on the floor. His gaze shifted to Sam, Dean caught the little look and knew Jet was relieved but also worried. Sam wasn't stuck in the dream like they had been but he wasn't taking the torture all that well either. "I was worried about Sam."
"We were worried about you," Sam finally spoke and lifted his head away from Cas' shoulder.
"Well I got my ass kicked pretty hard," Jet glanced up at Desirae who had a tired feeling about her. She looked up at Cas with big eyes, there was a mixture of emotion there, she looked like she had a ton of things on her mind but ultimately she didn't say anything. Instead her gaze just lingered on Cas who turned his gaze away.
"Sorry," he mumbled and Desirae climbed off of Jet, a disgruntled noise escaping her as she struggled to clamber onto the bed. With a little push from Jet she managed to get up and turn Cas' head back her way.
"You can't control dreams, stupid." Her voice was a little shaky but not mean spirited. She said something else to him that Dean couldn't understand but it had Castiel sitting quietly and listening. He replied to her softly and she nodded before moving in to hug him.
She muttered something against Cas and he could only smile. Dean thought he'd heard it, something like 'you're too nice, don't be sad' but he couldn't be sure. It was interesting for Dean to see, he wondered if she'd had nightmares too, if she felt something different because of the clone in her. He'd ask her those things but he felt that maybe it wasn't the right time to do it. Whatever had happened he was just glad that Cas could get along with her.
Cas put his arms around Rae protectively and looked seriously at Dean, "I like her, we're keeping her."
"Fight me," Jet smirked and Cas lightly tapped him with his wing.
"Well," Sam pondered aloud, a more light-hearted tone to his voice, "Considering the whole being part clone thing, she's kinda like your sister already, so…"
Desirae looked up, "I am?!" She sounded delighted at the mere thought of it. Even Cas looked happy with the idea. "Cas you're my big brother now." She told him almost as if it were a demand; it didn't seem to bother him though.
"Yes." He said in agreement though that simple thought seemed to spark something in him. Dean saw a look slowly encroach on his face as Desirae celebrated the new family bond, it was like a memory returning and though Cas smiled for her sake Dean could see something else there. He knew what it was about, he didn't have to ask. Cas remembered Michael, remembered he had a big brother of his own and hadn't seen him in years.
Dean didn't want to bring it up, at least not around the others. Cas didn't say anything either, Dean made a mental note to talk about it later on.
A yawn from the door caught their attention; Charlie stood there with an impressively sized mug of what Dean had to assume was coffee. "You're all up early," she said with a smile, nothing about her demeanour suggested she'd just had a horrific nightmare.
"You didn't sleep," Jet stated before Dean could even think about how to mention it.
Charlie looked surprised for a brief moment but shook her head, "What makes you say that?"
"You'd have a certain look on your face if you did," Jet was vague with it though Dean and Sam would know regardless. Charlie on the other hand seemed a bit confused until her eyes widened a few seconds later.
"You guys had a nightmare again?"
"Yeah, you would have too if you'd been sleeping."
Dean gestured to Jet to back off, just a little wave that they both understood. Jet nodded and leaned back, giving Sam his attention while Dean looked up at Charlie, "Are you okay?" He was worried about her to say the least; but his efforts to check on her were avoided, she didn't want to give him much information.
"I'm alright, I've been getting little bouts of insomnia since Cas left, I'm used to it."
Dean didn't really believe her but he didn't know her well enough to say for sure that she was lying. "Alright," he tried to be open with her, Cas had been close to Charlie and Dean didn't want that friendship to end. Cas would need her for a while the more he came around and Dean wanted to be there too, he couldn't help but want to keep Charlie close. "Let me know if I can help, okay?"
She nodded; he could tell she knew what he was getting at. He didn't believe her but he wouldn't push and that was enough for her to get by.