Author's Note:

I feel like it's been too long since I thanked you all for reading. I've noticed some new folks in the reviews and follows/favourites so I'd like to say hello to you also! Thanks everyone for supporting this story and myself, I really appreciate all the little bits that you do and say. I hope everyone's doing well and for those that don't know I occasionally update my progress on my zafiction tumblr blog. So if I'm ever taking a while to update you can check out what's going on over there :)

Without further ado let me give you a gentle filler-type chapter

A few days had gone by, each night there were nightmares for everyone who slept at the same time as him and Cas felt awful for it. He sat by the window of Dean's room and looked out with some exhaustion, he was trying to focus on stopping the dreams but all he managed to do was make them vaguer if anything. It didn't seem to help all that much, though he noticed that Jet woke up a lot easier that way.

His mind was a whirlpool those days, he'd known Dean for as long as he could remember but that wasn't all that long. Cas wanted to remember more, he wanted to see something more of himself but something was wrong. He couldn't connect it. His speech had gotten immensely better but he couldn't connect the pieces worth a crap.

Dean didn't mind, of course. Dean was just glad that Cas was putting together full sentences and growing his vocabulary in general. But that wasn't enough, not for Cas. He could see it in Charlie's face that he was so far from what he should be. She stayed up so late all the time; in fact she didn't sleep at the same time as him ever. She missed every nightmare and if he had a choice he wanted to keep it that way. She napped during the day – Jet wouldn't accept anything less it seemed.

It was interesting to see, at least for Cas. Dean had noticed Charlie's bad habit of not sleeping but he didn't get involved too much, she said she had it under control and he respected that. Sam was worried too but he followed Dean's lead, maybe asking an extra time or two. Jet on the other hand was straightforward. He'd stood in her way one morning and demanded she get at least three hours, just three and he'd let her go. Charlie tried her protest against him, saying she got a few winks and she'd be fine but he didn't buy it, not for even a second.

Cas was thankful for that, he was glad they cared about her in different ways. Dean was respectful of her space, Sam worried about her mental state, and Jet didn't take any of her attempted lies. He wished he could do something more to help. Every time he looked at her he felt something tug in his brain but it never did anything more than that.

He felt like his progress had stalled, like he wasn't going anywhere anymore, at least not toward his old self.

Charlie disappeared into the basement a lot, she was down there reading most of the time and he was sure looking for a way to help him. It broke his heart a little; he knew he should know her better, like she was someone important. She was fighting so hard to do something for him and what had he done? What was he to her that made it so hard for her to rest whenever she thought about him?

Cas didn't have that answer and Charlie wouldn't tell him. He supposed he'd have to live with that.

Since they'd cleaned out the laboratory cages no one had gone into the enclosure areas, Dean had accepted Cas' demand to go along and so far that would still hold true. His nerves were a little on edge when he thought about it, he knew what might still be down there. It was a little hazy for the most part but he could at least connect those dots for himself.

Cas knew he'd been drugged by MacLeod many times, that his inability to think or remember things was because of exactly that. He hated it, not knowing what order things had happened in or what he'd done. But he hated it more knowing about things second handedly, like knowing that Charlie was someone he should remember or that the name Michael meant something to him at one point or another.

They all wanted him to get better, to be what he was meant to be, but Cas wasn't sure he knew what that was anymore. Dean said over and over that he didn't care; he didn't care what Cas ended up being because he'd already fallen for him. Cas wasn't sure he believed it not, but it was a nice idea to live in. He wanted to believe that Dean could say something like that unconditionally but he knew that it wasn't in Dean's control. Things could happen and change their outlooks. What if he became something that Dean couldn't stand? Cas wasn't sure what that might be but he was afraid of that outcome.

The day was just fading in; Cas had slipped away from Dean and moved to watch the sunrise in another room that had no one in it. He wanted to be alone for a little while to gather himself a bit, he wasn't sure if it'd help at all but he felt at ease watching the sun coming up. He hadn't seen sunlight for four years, the open sky made him calmer and he was unbelievably astounded by starlight. Whenever left long enough to watch the sky above him he'd lose himself entirely, it was just amazing to him.

He wasn't the only one; Desirae did the same thing though she tried to pretend it wasn't a big deal. He'd seen her though, looking up at a window with a distracted expression. She was so small, he knew there were parts of her that were him and it was such an odd thought to have. She couldn't possibly have experienced some of the things she inexplicably knew about, yet there she was with a vocabulary stronger than his. Cas was getting better, some of it was coming back and piece-by-piece he put parts of his mind in the right places. Part of him considered being jealous of her, she could speak to the others so easily without a hiccup and had a strong grasp on the things that she did know. He knew it was because she was made up of him, she purer pieces of 'Castiel Novak' in her than he did and he felt a little anxious about it.

However he decided that she was a friend to him and not a rival, he had no reason to be jealous. She didn't rub it in his face; she never tried to be better than him at anything. In fact she always tried to help him, like she was trying to give it all back to him. Part of his growth in speaking was thanks to her help; she translated things for him and helped him with the words he kept messing up. Little by little he was getting his speech back.

On top of appreciating her help, he felt sorry for her too. There was a lot of him in her DNA mixture but she used to be someone else, a small child abducted. Any of her 'remembered' experiences were second hand; there was no way she could have her own at that age.

"Hey Cas?" Desirae popped up as if summoned, she was in an adorable nightgown and Cas didn't question for a second who got it for her.

"What's up, sweetie?" He smiled and gestured to the spot across from him so she could see the sunrise too. He'd long learned how to open the windows and silently questioned himself as to how he could have ever forgotten.

She lightly trotted across the room and pulled up a second chair to sit with him; her face was neutral if anything else though Cas saw a look in her eyes that said otherwise. "Do you… wish you were normal?"

He tilted his head a bit at first as he pondered her question, "Well, to be honest I don't think I've ever been 'normal.'"

"You know what I mean,"

"Hm," Cas wasn't sure how to answer that. What kind of normal was getting her so down? "I'd like to be able to think and speak like I used to, if that's what you mean?" Parts of his words slipped and were still a little choppy, he was close to a smooth sentence but for now he'd have to deal with stumbling over a word every now and then. And though he'd answered her he felt like it was still very empty. He didn't know how he used to think; maybe what he'd like was to know himself again, or to never question exactly that.

"What about how you look?" She glanced up at him after a long pause, her eyes were as blue as his and somehow he knew those weren't her natural colour. "Do you think they'll ever let us go see places other than here?"

"Of course they will," Cas smiled at her reassuringly, "I spoke to Ch-Jet earlier and he was coming up with something to help us get out there without causing much trouble."

Rae sighed and looked out at the sky again, "I know, he told me that too. But I don't want to wait…"

Cas understood the feeling all too well, he missed something about the world outside but he didn't want to leave without Dean's knowing. He would rather go when it was the right time, whenever that might be. "Be patient," he told her gently with a light tap of his wing against her back, "They know what they're doing."

"Even with that crazy guy with the gun?"

"Uh," he scratched the back of his head like he'd seen Dean and the others do on occasion, habits picked up by watching, "Yeah… that wasn't a smart move but no one got hurt."

"You almost got shot and if he didn't shoot you then you would've torn his head off."

"But I didn't," Cas added optimistically which only had Rae rolling her eyes at him.

"You and Dean are both dummies, he said that too."

"Maybe," Cas laughed quietly and looked outside again, enjoying the colours that splashed across the sparse clouds, "I know it's hard to trust anyone, and it's tough to let go of being so afraid, but I think you can do it."

She didn't reply, just looked at him with an expression that said 'I'm not scared' for her. Cas knew better but he didn't call her on it.

"Why're you up, anyway?" He asked after another long pause, enjoying her company even if neither was speaking.

"I had to pee and realized that Jet wasn't having a nightmare this time," she kicked her legs back and forth; they were too short to touch the floor so she got a pretty good swing going. "Then I knew you had to be up so I sniffed you out."

"You got a strong nose too, huh?"

"Yeah,"

Cas smirked and reached over to tap the tip of her nose, getting her to look up from the floor, "Kinda sucks sometimes, doesn't it?"

She giggled, "Sometimes. Do you hear a lot of stuff too?"

"Yeah, I get a headache sometimes."

"Me too."

Both smiled and looked back out the window, it was nice to be quiet together. They could connect to the others' problems and maybe that's why they got along so quickly, Cas had been a bit anxious about her being a clone but it never triggered any instinctual attacks. Actually, with his mind in some kind of control he wondered if it would happen the same way as it had before. He didn't really want to find out.

"Jet said they're going to let Rufus back in to clean the basement," Desirae said after the sun broke away from the horizon, "I think in another day or so."

"Yeah, Dee mentioned it too. He wanted to talk to Rufus personally beforehand to make sure it was all going to go well and that he stays away from us."

She hummed in response, acknowledging what he was saying but not having much to say to it. She pursed her lips for a second and looked up at him again, "Why do you call him Dee? You can say his name, can't you?"

"Yes, but I…" he stopped and smiled thinking about it, the first time he saw that stranger in his enclosure. "I like calling him Dee, it fits."

"If you say so,"

"It's like Jet calling you Rae, it feels closer somehow." Cas didn't think anyone else would understand why he still did it. The name Dean was already very short and some might think that Cas using the same mixed up version would remind him of what happened, but he didn't feel it that way. He remembered that Dean's name was one of the first things he was able to say, the name of someone who saved him despite not having to do anything of the sort. Cas was fond of the nickname, even if it didn't make a whole lot of sense to anyone else.

He looked her over once, "Are you happy, Desirae?"

She seemed surprised by the question, looking at him curiously for a few seconds before shrugging. "I dunno… it's like my cage only got bigger but I'm not free yet."

Cas watched her as her ears tilted down to betray her attempt at showing nothing, her tail had kept very still and her eyes were angled down. He could plainly see she wasn't happy, not quite. "It's complicated, huh?"

"A little," she rubbed her feet together, a nervous tick. "I'm happy that you're here, I'm happy that Jet took me in. I get food whenever I'm hungry and it all tastes good. I can take baths and I can sleep in a bed. I'm not alone anymore either, but…"

"It's okay to want more, you know." Cas smiled and brushed her by again with his wing, letting it rest there as a comfort. "The things you're saying that make you happy are things that all people should be allowed to have. I mean, you know, other than me and Jet."

She curled her lips in and glanced up at him, "So… it's okay? I'm not being selfish?"

"Even if you were, so what? You and I went through hell, for now I think we're entitled to be a bit selfish."

Desirae looked back and forth between his left and right eye for a few seconds before she smiled again, "Yeah," she said simply and hopped off her chair to go and hug him.

Cas wrapped his arms around her too and let her stay as long as she wanted. "Feeling better?" He asked softly when enough time had passed and her muscles felt a little less tense.

"I'm happy," she replied, "I want more, but I'm happy too."

"Atta girl," he laughed and ruffled her hair.