Anastasia was treading water, barley keeping afloat. Sixteen hour work days left eight hours to think, worry and remember. She was drowning. Drowning in pity, shame, and self loathing. So she worked longer, harder, worked out, did everything possible so that she could finally close her eyes in exhaustion. Logically she knew she needed to put that chapter behind her but every time she turned the page something would bring her back to the prologue and she would relive every sentence and paragraph all over again.

Ana hadn't seen Christian since she left his office in August and now it was almost Christmas.

Try as she might, she couldn't really pinpoint when their relationship morphed from a dream to a nightmare. Their initial meeting was in his office when she interviewed him on her roommate's behalf. Her curiosity piqued when he appeared at SIP shortly after she started. They'd shared coffee and a muffin but it was simply an innocuous, friendly encounter. It was after the Grey's annual 4th of July barbeque that their relationship began. Her best friend Kate was dating Elliot, Christian's brother and he invited her. The group enjoyed an afternoon of swimming, volleyball, burgers, and laughs. Near the end of the night, Christian discreetly caught Ana alone, telling her he would call.

The weeks that followed were amazing. He was charismatic and enchanting. They visited museums, attended concerts, dinners in some of the finest restaurants in the area. They traveled to Los Angeles, New York and her all time favorite London. The fact that they'd rarely left their hotel room didn't bother her at all. She toured London with Sawyer while Christian worked. He was not the gentle lover she'd imagined from the Victorian era novels, but he was generous in satisfying needs she didn't know existed. He explained his haphephobia and she understood. He explained away their clandestine relationship as a potential security risk and she understood. They had been seeing each other about six weeks when he explained the only relationship he could have long term. It frightened her and she did not understand. They visited the Red Room and like the devil tempting a saint, he pleasured her to the brink of seeing a bright light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. . He teased her about her stamina, carrying her to her room, and reminding her of the required exercise routine. Two months after the Grey's barbeque, she signed the contract.

One Sunday before she left to go home, he told her he would begin training her to become a proper submissive. So it began. She practiced how to stand, kneel, hold her hands, and bow her head, to call him sir or master. It started with light spanking for minor infractions such as calling him Christian or attempting to explain when the only acceptable response was yes sir or no sir. It graduated to the crop. She was learning but there were so many rules to remember. Regardless, a session was always concluded with mind blowing orgasms.

Each session gradually became more intense. The playfulness was replaced with rigid rules, romance with dominance, making love with fucking, tender kisses with punishments, pillow talk with words that encouraged her submission. He wanted her submission and she did her best. More often than not it was all about her pleasure but there was no making love. He would lay with her in her room until she fell asleep but convinced her it would be better if they slept apart. His sultry baritone poured soft and warm when she obeyed and when he spoke of the pleasure she brought him. Ana or (Miss Steele as he now called her) believed she was getting closer to making him love her. The changes were so subtle she hadn't noticed until she was in too deep. For him, she would endure the Red room sessions. She shook her head at the memory, not any closer to understanding how she allowed this to happen.

Kate, Jose, and Ethan were her constant life rafts but they were beginning to show wear. Kate knew a lot while the fellas only knew that their friend was a shell of her former self. They were good friends and she was grateful but she couldn't stand the looks her friends gave each other when they thought she wasn't looking. Ana began to withdraw.

The only time she felt like 'Ana' was at work. Here she was in her element. Getting immersed in the written word was an escape and she didn't have to think about the mess that was her life. Not only did she love discovering new literary works, she loved fostering relationships with new authors and delving into their creative process. The creative process was so different for each author and as unique as their stories. Some hand wrote detailed notes and kept file cards profiling characters, others wrote most of the story in their heads before committing anything to print. Most claimed that inspiration came from everyday things; a couple on a train, the barista at Starbucks, the cleaning lady, or FedEx man. Some authors might have several balls in the air turning out a best seller every nine months while others poured their life's blood on pages giving birth to a single child. Her days were filled with meetings, negotiations, editing manuscripts, courting new talent, and promoting SIP.

Her favorite author, an educator turned romance novelist, was working on a trilogy. No one outside of SIP knew that Alexis Andrews (a pseudonym) was in reality a fifty something petite bookworm with a husband of 20 plus years. Her books were filled with angst, romance, and sex; hot, steamy, unconventional, thigh clenching sex. No one seeing Alexis on the street would believe she could be the author of books that women around the world were talking about. She was beautiful and alluring, but her sex appeal was quiet, understated, and sophisticated much like the woman herself. She had a penchant for vintage Chanel and mile high stilettos.

Ana was in awe. Alexis had an easy, unassuming way that drew young Ana to her. Alexis didn't have children of her own and loved her like a daughter. Before she'd become a world renown author, she was a high school English teacher and guidance councilor. She could read students as well as her worn out copies of the English classics. Ana was always friendly with an easy welcoming laugh but something was troubling the young woman in front of her. She was bright and clever no doubt, but something wasn't quite right. Alexis was aware that Ana had recently lost her mother. The pain was evident. She never mentioned weekends dancing or shopping or any of the things young people are supposed to talk about. The famous author had even offered to set her up with her nephew, a nice young lawyer. Ana turned her down quickly, stating she didn't have the time, so Alexis let it go, for now.

Ana, the rising star of Seattle Independent Publishing, was good and worked tirelessly, never enough hours in the day she mused. But the nights, even the few hours she was alone were endless.

There were times when she thought she might have a story to tell. The dilemma …... she had a beginning and middle but couldn't for the life of her imagine a happy ending.

December 2015

After weeks of begging, cajoling, scheming, and finally kidnapping, the four musketeers were in a neighborhood bar enjoying a rare Friday night out on the town. Ethan conveniently borrowed Ana's car and hadn't returned it in time, leaving Kate to drive Ana to work and pick her up, leading to Kate insisting on Ana repaying her with dinner at a new local restaurant, where the ambush was revealed when Ethan and Jose magically appeared. "I don't suppose this is a coincidence that we are all together tonight is it" Ana sighed as realization dawned.

The other three looked sheepishly to each other and then to Ana. "Ethan, the newly minted Doctor of Psychology, was the first to speak. Unapologetically he started, "look Ana, we are your friends, we love you and we are concerned. I don't know what happened about after graduation, but some how the girl we love is fading. All you have is your work. You've done well don't get me wrong but that's all you have. Look at you; do you even weight 100 pounds? We rarely see you unless we show up at the office with lunch or drag you away to the occasional brunch. Even when you are with us, you're not present."

This time Kate spoke up, "sweetie, if this is because of that asswipe, you have to move on. I am so sorry that your first love hurt you physically and emotionally, but it's not your fault. If you keep this up and continue doing this to yourself, he will win. Is that what you want? I am more than willing to help you seek revenge if it will help you put this behind you".

Ethan and Jose exchanged looks over the heads of Ana and Kate as the words sunk in. This was news to them. Kate and Ana might have been frightened by the anger and resolve shown in their eyes. Quietly, almost in a whisper, Jose said "Ana, someone beat you"? He felt as if he was being strangled. How could anyone think to hurt his life long friend? "I thought this was about a Carla or a relationship gone badly but I never considered the possibility of someone putting his hands on you that way. "Who was it Ana? You never talked about anyone, but then again we haven't seen much of you. Do we know him?"

Hearing the pain in his voice, Ana finally looked into Jose's eyes. They were full with unshed tears and it further broke her heart. This is what she was doing to everyone she loved, hurting them. What would they think of sweet Ana if they knew that she, at least for a short time had practiced BDSM, that she had given her virginity to her Master, or that she had negotiated the terms and provided a list of degrading acts he could perform, not once but four times? No, she would take that secret to her grave. Soon it would be too much and they would leave her all alone for good.

Placing both hands flat on the table, she stood to leave and three strong sets of hands pulled her back to her seat. So quietly, the group had to strain to hear her she whispered "it's my fault, I let him, and I thought he would love me. Now I feel so stupid and foolish". A jumble of responses came from the group as they all tried to say no Ana; no one has the right to raise a hand to a woman. We've all done some stupid shit in the name of love. Have you ever heard the term "crazy in love"?

They didn't understand and she couldn't risk explaining the true nature of her relationship with her Master. Instead she pulled her shoulders straight and looked them in the eye. What she saw, no felt, was strength born of love and they were giving it to her. For the first time since her mother's funeral some of the weight lifted from her shoulders. A small smile played at her lips and then a full on laugh erupted. Her friends thought maybe she had finally gone mad. When she calmed down and got herself under control, raising her head to her support system, "Wow" she said, admiring the beauty in front of her, "I had forgotten what I have in the three of you". You are right, I haven't been the same since mom died but its more than that. I'm not ready to talk about it but I will be fine. Thank you for this, waving her hands around the group, intervention".

Ethan produced a business card handing it to Ana. "Banana, we are too close, but I think you should talk to someone. This is a colleague, mostly relationship and family counseling, but I think you will like her. Ana took the card with thanks. Smiling timidly, she said, "Let's get out of here!" First round is on me!

They didn't notice the man at the bar that had been quietly watching the group Ana in particular.

A/N THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT MY FIRST TIME OUT THE GATE. I APPRECIATE ALL FEED BACK. IT MEANS YOU TOOK TIME TO READ MY STORY.

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