Flash back

I promised to introduce you to my world Anastasia. Are you ready?
Please stand and move over to the cross. Ana gracefully moved to the cross head bowed. Christian ran his hands down her body starting at her cheek, down her throat, pausing at her breasts to tweak her nipples before he continued to the apex of her thighs. "Mighty fine Miss Steele" he murmured as he inhaled deeply while attaching one arm then the other to the cross. He made quick work of securing her ankles to the bottom. Curiously, she noticed that the cross has been adjusted so that the beams crossed near her shoulders, leaving her lower back and ass more exposed. In addition to that her legs were spread farther apart. Had she not had the cross for support it would have been a nearly impossible position to hold?

Christian began talking again. His breath hitched as he began explaining tonight's lessons, excitement cursing through his veins. Anastasia he purred, "This will be a two for one lesson. We will begin with orgasm control. If you cannot control it you will be punished. When you are punished, you must hold still and keep quiet. Do you understand?" "Yes sir" she replied looking at the floor. Okay the lets begin.

Christian already had his tools of choice prepared. Pulling aside her thong, He lubed a bullet shaped vibrator and inserted it in her vagina replacing the thong to hold the toy firmly in place. The remote was between his thumb and forefinger. He tested it once and watched her jerk as the toy hummed through her body.

"Now that I have your full attention Anastasia, let's play". With the soft suede flogger in one hand and the remote in the other, the lesson began. He started by running the flogger down the sides of her breasts occasionally flicking her pebbled nipples. Stroke, flick, stroke flick, breast, inside thigh, ass, clit. Her breath quickened, pink flush covered her from head to toe. Stroke, flick, nipples, feet, clit. "Very good Anastasia just breathe thru it", he coached. She could feel herself building and he hadn't touched her with his hands or mouth. When he pressed the button on the remote, her vaginal walls clenched and her juices ran down her leg. "Do not cum Anastasia. You do not have permission and we are just beginning", her Master reminded her. He moved the button up a notch and her body began to sing. She threw her head back and bit her lip in an attempt to stay the impending orgasm but when he started the gentle flicks of the flogger over her sensitive nipples, thighs and clit, she was lost. She came violently on the cross just as he knew she would. "Oh Anastasia, naughty, naughty girl. You came and without permission", he admonished.

Ana was crying silently, head bowed. Later she would consider the humiliation of cumming from a flogger and vibrator; his firm hands and talented mouth had always been her undoing. At this moment she could hear the disdain and disappointment in her master's voice. "I think you will have to be punished for this indiscretion. Eight licks with my palm; you will stay still, you will count, and thank me for my patience" he boomed.

Whack, "one. thank you master" she whispered. "Thank me for what Anastasia". Whack two. thank you for your patience master. No Anastasia, that was one since you didn't do it correctly now start over. Whack, even harder this time. One; Thank you for your patience master, whack, two; thank you for your patience, six, seven, eight, thank you for your patience master. Her breathing was heavy, tears streamed down her red cheeks, silently sobbing, and ass throbbing. "Anastasia, again I am disappointed. You seem to enjoy defying me. Your orgasms are mine to give not yours to take. Now let's start again."

We'll start more slowly. This time he stood just to her left and whispered in her ear, just breath, flick stoke, stroke, stroke, flick, just breathe, nipples, clit, side breast, inner thigh, hum of the vibrator. He watched as she was close to another orgasm and just before she reached the pinnacle he stopped and coached her to breathe thru it. The moment passed and he praised her. Good girl Anastasia. He ran his fingers thru her hair and kissed her temple.

Sometime later, which included additional punishments, he allowed her to have the most intense orgasm of her life with a combination of the flogger and the vibrator on high. Her mind shattering, body jerked, back arched as her body reacted to an electrifying spasm. She was able to delay the orgasm for nearly an hour. After hours of an excruciating play session of starts, stops, and start overs, she was released from the cross. Ana all but fell to her knees, her body sweaty and flushed, hair plastered to her head and neck.

'Now, Miss Steele, I want you to show your appreciation, suck me until I tell you to stop then I will fuck you from behind. You will not find your release until I command.'

Christian ran a warm bath for her. As he massaged her shoulders and legs, he dissected their training session, reinforcing all that he was doing for her and what he was giving up due to her inexperience. She was grateful that he was such a willing teacher. He must love her.

Ana was so exhausted she didn't notice that he didn't sleep with her that night.

Present day January 2016

Ana was lost in a memory, waiting in her office for her friend and mentor. She kept busy setting up the tea service and little cakes when a gentle knock announced the arrival of her guest.

Good morning Ana" the older woman greeted. "I am so happy to see you. How were your holidays? After a few minutes of holiday and vacation chit chat, the atmosphere was more relaxed.

Ana had been staring at the calming seas in the painting just over the head of Alexis Andrews, a pseudonym for Cecelia Townsend. Not a ship or coast line in sight, just gentle, waves reflecting the moonlight over the Peugeot sound, silver on blue. The artwork allowed her to relax slightly as she moved her eyes to meet those of her good friend. It had taken her a few weeks to take Ethan's advice. As much as she valued the opinions of her friends, it was an unexpected encounter with her past that helped her get here. She shook off the memory and gave her full attention to Cecelia. Ana took a deep breath, a leap of faith and began her journey towards reclaiming her life.

Cecelia recognized anxiety radiating from her young friend and considered why they were meeting on a Saturday afternoon, in her office. "Ana, is everything all right? Has something happened to Ray?" Something was obviously going on.

Ana had spent the last few weeks considering making an appointment with Ethan's friend. Ultimately, she just wasn't ready to see an "expensive charlatan". Cecelia had written a three book fictionalized series that featured BDSM. The three books, Bound, Chains, and Unbroken had been on the NY Times best seller list for five years. The movie rights for series were under contract. She thought Cecelia might be able to give her some insight.

Donning her professional face and flashing a smile she dove in. "Cecelia, Thank you so much for meeting me today. I know it's the weekend but I wanted to talk to you in private. I trust you to keep this between us. No, this doesn't have anything to do with Ray. He's fine"

Now curious, the older woman nodded for Ana to continue.

Ana was now wrestling as how to proceed. "How did you decide on the topic of BDSM for your books?"

Well that was unexpected Cecelia thought. Of all the topics that could have been troubling her young friend, this never entered her mind. Then she remembered all the times Ana had appeared withdrawn, or unwilling to discuss her social life, or absentmindedly rubbed her wrists. The signs were there and she missed them. Time to rip off the band aide.

Looking Ana straight in the eye, leaning forward, a smirk playing on her lips, Cecelia began, "Since this is just between us girls, it's partly autobiographical. She winked and waited for it to sink in."

To say she was shocked was an understatement. Her mouth opened and closed and opened and closed and nothing came out. How could that be!? Ana thought. She looks so….normal.

"Don't look so surprised Miss Steele. I may be fifty seven now, but I wasn't always. My husband and I are…adventurous, Oh, he doesn't suspend me from the ceiling but we do enjoy our fair share of kink; you know restraints, blindfolds, and lots and lots of toys. Before we moved to the city, we had a 'fun room' in our home, complete with a St. Andrews Cross and a sex swing. BDSM may not fit within societal norms but between consenting, willing adults it can be most satisfying. What we enjoy is our business. Why do you ask Anastasia?"

Not quite two years ago my only introduction to the romantic kind of love was thru books and Disney movies, Ana spoke with a smile in her voice. It's not like I didn't date but nothing serious. Boys just never held my interest. One day I met a man, letting out a deep sigh she continued, tears threatening as she remembered the early days with Christian before he became her master. I could not believe that someone like him would be interested in mousey little Anastasia from small town USA. I hadn't even graduated from college, let alone traveled, or experienced anything really. Just being in his presence made me feel things, I felt alive for the first time. We began to spend time together and I only realized later that it was private, behind closed doors so to speak. We went out, but he always rented the entire venue or at least we had a private booth away from peering eyes. He explained his need for privacy and I thought it was romantic. As the weeks went on, our dates slowed but not amount of time we spent together. It was so gradual, I didn't notice. Where the sex had been tender, it became rougher, painful. He would compliment me on my ability to satisfy him.

Ana went back to staring at the painting, unable to look the best selling author in the eye.
Probably six weeks after our relationship began; he opened up to me about the lifestyle he'd kept secret. He was a dominant in search of a submissive. He said I was born for it. At first I was surprised, then disappointed. He let me know that it was about trust, reward, and punishment. She could hear him purring in her ear, "Don't you want to please me Anastasia? I can take you places you've never dreamed of". By then I was so in love with him I didn't know what to do and I was afraid of losing him. There was a contract listing sexual acts I'd never heard of let alone tried. He patiently explained that I had indeed experienced more than a few with him and enjoyed them.

"Anyway" she continued "we were together just a little over a year, most of it in a BDSM relationship. I was his sub. Most of the time the sex was amazing, I never thought it could be like that'.

'You said most of the time Ana", the Cecelia prodded. What about the other times?

Ana bowed her head, twisting her fingers, not wanting to remember the other times.

"There were times he was cruel. Not often, but he could turn pleasure to pain on a dime. He was so mercurial; unpredictable."

Cecelia sat thoughtfully across from the young woman. What Ana needed more than anything was a sounding board and that, she could provide. "Ana, you were with him for over a year. Why did you stay?

This is the question she'd asked herself a thousand times. The answer was simple and complicated. "I loved him"

"Mmm, I see. But why did you love him Ana?" Cecelia continued to probe. Was your love reciprocated, did he ever tell you he loved you"? Did you enjoy spending time together with friends and family, what was it that made you love him?

And this is where it became complicated for her but she attempted to make her friend understand or perhaps convince herself. "In the beginning, he was so kind and loving. I could sense the man behind the armor. Our relationship was private. No one knew. I signed a Non-disclosure Agreement. I thought if I just stuck with it, and became everything he needed, he would love me too". That even sounded weak to her. "Did he profess his love, she continued. No but I felt it. He said he didn't have a heart but I know he does. He only said he cared for me"

Cecelia raised an eyebrow questioningly but let it go for now. "Why did it end?

Inhaling deeply, Ana forged ahead. If felt good to unburden herself. "My mother died. She assumed I was in an abusive relationship. She mentioned something about bruises. My mother just wanted me to be happy. We had only recently reconciled. "

"You didn't always get along?" Cecelia asked.

"Let me start at the beginning, Ana suggested. "I had a fairly typical upbringing; an only child; a product of the 90's, you know marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, marriage. My mom couldn't make up her mind. There just seemed to be a lot of fighting about everything from cooking, cleaning, to money. I wanted everyone to be happy so I stepped up and took over a lot of it from an early age. I worked so hard to make sure there wasn't anything to cause discord but nothing worked," Ana recounted as if it was yesterday.

"I went back to live with Ray, my step dad, in my early teens. I loved my mom but she and husband number three were in the honeymoon phase and I was in the way. My mom and I had a difficult relationship most of my teenage years. We reconciled a few years before she died" a sad look crossed her face. "Ray worked tirelessly to provide all our needs so made sure that the house was clean, clothes washed and I never, never caused any problems. I just couldn't bare it if he were disappointed in me. I fear that I may have let my mother down.

It ended because I realized I had lost my way, lost me in my quest to win him. Some of the things we did left me feeling degraded and disgusted. I never dreamed I would let someone…..she drifted off unwilled to reveal more. My last conversation with mom was the catalyst to get me moving ahead. I'm just so ashamed and I feel so foolish.

"You're angry Ana", her friend surmised.

Ana stood up abruptly and began to pace. You're damn straight I'm angry. I allowed a man who doesn't love me, will never love me fuck and beat me. I allowed him to do unspeakable things to my body. I was a virgin for Christ's sake. He knew I was in love with him, that I was inexperienced and he used that against me. So hell yes I'm angry; with me for allowing it and for him…just being him.

"Ana, I want you to think about a few things. First, you are a stunning, highly intelligent young woman. Your parents, no matter what your choices will always love you. Any man would be proud to have you on his arm. Now, if you hadn't had that conversation with your mother, how much longer would you have stayed in an unsatisfying relationship? If he had come to love you, would you have been happy in a BDSM based sexual relationship for the rest of your life? If you had married him, would it have been fair to him to find out you didn't enjoy his life style?

"You are a beautiful young woman. I am sorry your first intimate relationship was overwhelming and has left you unhappy and unfulfilled. I was in my late twenties when I met my husband and experienced enough to what I liked and didn't like. We are equal partners in the bedroom and out of it.'

I don't know your young man, but I think if he had been up front with you, we might be having a completely different conversation. Perhaps he intentionally mislead you, encouraged your affection; we'll never know. I did a lot of research for my books, speaking with experienced Dominants and Submissives. The common thread among those in the life is that a good Dom can read the comfort level of the sub. They are in tune to not just vocal cues, but what the body is saying. If you were uncomfortable, a good Dom would know and talk you through it. That is the responsibility he assumes. Let me send you the link to a couple of articles. You can also google BDSM, BDSM vs. Abuse, and BDSM and coercion. One of them actually references the main character from a popular erotica series. I think your young man may have employed some coercive techniques, intentional or not.

This is just my opinion of course. Ultimately Anastasia, you could have walked at any time. Having said that sweet girl, don't let this define you. I challenge you to find a living soul that hasn't made a regrettable decision or two in the name off love. You will make more mistakes and questionable choices. It's inevitable. Next time you will be smarter."

"Do want to know what I think Ana?"

The young woman nodded through her tears.

"You are a pleaser and a fixer and you avoid confrontation."

Ana looked up as she considered the older woman's words.

You attempted to fix the broken relationship between your parents, you worked hard to not disappoint your father, I'd wager you are the mediator amongst your friends, and lastly you tried to fix your Dom, who incidentally, probably doesn't think he needs fixing. That's a heavy load for such petite shoulders. Take some advice from someone who's been there/done that. Be your own best friend Ana. It's okay to say no. Anyone who asks you to compromise the essence of you, does not have your best interest. I want you to Google 'Sub Drop' and see if you are experiencing any of those symptoms. That might have a lot to do with your depression and fatigue.

"How do I get over this feeling, how do I move on"? Ana wondered out loud.

Cecelia laughed out loud. "Oh my dear Ana, You just do. You get up every morning, you go to work, you take a class, enjoy your life and everyday this boulder you carry will become a rock, then a pebble, and finally dust. I promise you that one day you'll look back on this time and it will no longer cause you pain."

Reaching into her purse, she handed Ana a beautiful leather bound portfolio. "Here, I got this for you for Christmas. It's from Milan. Why don't you use it to keep track of your thoughts? Write down moments you become angry or morose and why; if you have a nightmare, include that. I've done this for years and included poems and songs that held a meaning at the time. You might even consider making pro/con lists of what you liked and didnt like about sex. It might help you with your next relationship. There might even be a book in there. Maybe you could take your anger out with pen and paper." Both women chuckled.

Ana noticed that they had been talking most of the afternoon. Cecelia, thank you so much for visiting with me. "I can't imagine getting involved with anyone right now but I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel . Writing in the journal might help when I can't sleep. She wrapped her friend in loving hug as they said their good byes.

"Call me anytime Ana. In fact, let's make plans to have a monthly lunch date just for girl talk. I would be so proud if you were my daughter."