Author's Note:
I can't express how long it took me to decide where this chapter should be going. But I figured we're ready for this shit so let's do it. Sorry for the delay, hope you enjoy!
Dean and Charlie walked around the edges of the farmers market; they were comfortable in one another's silence though they did enjoy a few quips about some of the crazies in the crowd. One lady nearly bulldozed a dude almost twice her size because she was going to get the very last basket of some vegetable Dean didn't recognize. It was pretty funny, the guy couldn't even really get mad either, he just watched the lady go and shrugged.
Every now and then Dean spotted Cas and Sam together; they stopped and talked to a lot of the vendors about the products being offered. Dean couldn't imagine enjoying that sort of thing, who the heck even cared? Sam and Castiel apparently.
"Look," Charlie laughed and pointed on their next lap around the place, Cas was inspecting different things and for some reason decided to just shove something in his mouth. "Taste testing," Charlie snickered.
Dean couldn't keep a straight face when he saw Sam's shoulders slump a little and inevitably had to explain to Cas why that wasn't a good idea. "Poor guy, he's being offered free samples and then told he can't eat the stuff. I'm with him on this one, that's confusing."
"Free samples to give you a taste of 'the stuff,' not so you can just eat for free." Charlie raised an eyebrow at him; her grin suggested to him she knew he was being a dumbass.
"Yeah, but still. Cas didn't know that."
"He does now."
They both chuckled as they watched what was probably Cas apologizing to the vendors with Sam's assistance.
"How do you think this trip is going so far?" Dean had to ask a 'Cas' expert, he had his own ideas but knowing Charlie's side would give him some perspective on the big picture. He glanced at her and saw that she was still smiling, a good sign.
"He's been connecting to a few old things, I guess. But I don't think this trip is about that sort of progress so much as it is about Cas getting to do stuff again. He was stuck in a cage for four years and he doesn't remember a lot about the outside world, I don't think he's done anything today where he hasn't learned something."
Dean nodded, "Yeah, you're right." He looked back to where Cas and Sam had shamefully wandered to a different tent and were somewhat out of his view. He'd been looking at it all in such a harsh light, about whether or not Cas was 'doing well' or if Cas was 'succeeding' in this endeavor. That wasn't the point of going into town. Cas couldn't possibly fail, maybe society could fail and treat someone different very poorly but Cas was just being Cas.
"I don't know if he'll want to wear that coat every time he goes into a public place," Charlie continued, "I can't imagine it's a lot of fun."
"Tell me about it, it's kinda like a straightjacket for his wings." Dean looked at her with a chuckle bubbling up in his throat, "How much you wanna bet he's gonna end up trying to help someone out and just fly to get something, or whatever?"
"I won't take that bet," she laughed and shook her head, "He'll just toss off the jacket and fly up to get some kid's kite out of a tree or some shit."
"Probably."
They decided to sit on a bench near the site as soon as it opened up; Dean had been keeping his eye on it. He could see majority of what was going on in the market and if something serious happened around Cas he didn't doubt it'd be fairly obvious from where he was sitting.
Time felt like it dragged on, or was going insanely fast, Dean wasn't sure which. All he knew was that Sam was taking too long, so either he was going in slow motion or Dean had aged 84 years. Regardless, he was sick of being there. Every time he spotted Cas it looked like Cas was having a good time, which was what stopped him from going in there and dragging them out.
Dean sighed and dropped back against the bench, arms draped over the back and eyes unfocused as he stared distantly. "Tell me when we're leaving," he mumbled, didn't even have the energy to look when Charlie laughed at him.
He expected he'd be sitting there for quite some time before Sam finished up, so he decided to take a nap instead of waiting around for nothing. It felt like a great idea, his feet kinda hurt and he was tired enough to pull it off. He glanced at Charlie, "Would you be offended if I took a nap?"
"Nah," She pulled her phone out of her pocket, "I was gonna call Garth and see how things are going back at the house anyway."
"Awesome," he yawned and slumped down on the bench, legs extended and crossed in front of him. Charlie wandered a little ways away to give him some quiet and Dean found himself drifting in and out of consciousness pretty fast.
"Dean, are you asleep?" Cas' voice came through so clearly as if he were right next to Dean's ear.
He startled and lifted his head again to find that his eyes were drawn to the curious face of his boyfriend a few feet away. "Cas? You done shopping?"
"Don't play dumb," Cas laughed and walked over to him, "You're asleep."
"What?" He looked around quickly and realized that the area was definitely not the farmer's market. Actually it looked more like Bobby's backyard. "But you're not asleep, I thought you had to be for this to work?"
"Yeah, that's kinda how it was working." Cas smiled and tapped Dean's forehead gently, "But I found that since I came directly into your head I can speak to you when you're asleep." He looked Dean over and then down at himself, "I've been noticing a lot of changes in me, actually. My mental state is improving a lot and the remains of that drug MacLeod made are almost out of my system now."
Dean felt an ache in his chest and it seemed to reverberate in the air around them. "It stayed that long?"
"Yeah, it was made to control me and since they altered how my body works they had to make sure it was strong enough to stick around. My mind feels so much clearer now," Cas looked around, smiling brighter as he started to realize where they were standing. "Your home?"
"Bobby's place, I grew up here." Dean nodded and looked at the old tree that they'd attached a tire swing to. "I broke my arm on that swing over there," he pointed at it and then over at a pile of junk, "And I fell off that pile and had to get stitches."
"Accident prone,"
"A little." Dean really enjoyed talking to Castiel, whether that be when he was awake and helping Cas learn or speaking to Cas' fully functioning mind. Dean loved Castiel, more and more each day and it was starting to hurt. He wanted to have fun conversations just like the one they were having, but he wanted to help more than he wanted to chat. "Cas," he looked seriously at Castiel who was still watching the gentle swing of the tire.
"Sam hurt himself like you did?" It was like Cas sensed Dean's tone and the seriousness of what he was feeling and trying to avoid it.
"Cas," Dean said more sternly and took Castiel's arm, "Cas why can't you remember things from your past?"
Cas looked Dean right in the eye and Dean saw more fear than he was aware was even there. Cas' expression was nervous for a moment but that slipped behind a veil, "The drug, mostly."
"Okay, but that's almost gone now so why can't you connect to things?" Dean didn't let Cas go and held his boyfriend's gaze as he watched Castiel's jaw clench and expression tighten. Cas didn't respond just yet so Dean continued. "The things you love, the people that meant the world to you, those are the things that should snap back to you first. What's going on?"
Cas took a breath and held it, like he was going to speak but caught his words in his mouth. He swallowed thickly and looked back at the scenery around them, at Dean's dream and memory. "Strong memories and feelings come from things that influenced you, nothing in your life is a separate experience. When I start to recall Charlie and my brother I get a rush, I remember them so fondly. But at the same time I remember the last time I saw them, the last thing I ever said to them and what happened after."
"You mean the experiments?" Dean asked softly and Castiel nodded.
"Yeah," he inhaled shakily and exhaled with a choked laugh, "I'm afraid." He admitted and looked at Dean more earnestly, tears in his eyes, "I've seen it coming, I know I'll remember it all so clearly and so intensely. I don't want to relive that, I don't want to be there again. My mind is so much stronger now that I know if I'm there, if I'm within my own head, it'll all come back."
Dean reeled, "Wait, if you're in your own head? Where are you if you're not in your head?"
"Yours," Cas looked down, he seemed ashamed but Dean wasn't sure of what. "I've been hiding in here, I'm scared to connect to the rest of my mind."
Dean stood in silence, unsure of how to react to that. Cas was hiding in his head? "Your mind was literally in pieces…" he breathed as the thought came to him. "You broke off, you're not all of Cas' mind?"
"I'm not exactly sure what I am, I just know that I'm holding everything the drug stole from my head. I'm everything it broke off."
"A lot of pieces in one, then." Dean wasn't entirely sure he understood what he was hearing but he knew he had to believe it and take it as fully true. Castiel's face hadn't looked so intense in a while, Dean wasn't about to let this moment slip by. "So, whatever it is you're telling me, it means that if you get back into your head you'll remember?"
"Yes," Cas hesitated and fidgeted with his hands, "But Dean, listen to me, I don't think it's a good idea."
"What're you talking about? Of course it's a good idea. I know you're scared of remembering everything but don't you already know all of it?" Dean cupped Cas' cheek and smiled reassuringly, "You've been showing us these things in our dreams, you know it's real and you know what happened already."
"I do, but not all of me does. It's hazy, it's all foggy in my head and my conscious mind doesn't remember it all. I remember bits and pieces but nothing close to the whole thing. It'll be painful and horrifying and I think it's better if I don't go back in there." Cas reasoned as best he could as he started to get a little frantic to explain. "Haven't you seen the way I smile these days? Do you really want to take that away?"
"I've seen you smile," Dean spoke warmly, his thumb wiping across the small tear trail now on Cas' cheek. "But I've also seen how sad and torn up you are. It kills you to see people you should know make the same face every time they realize you don't remember them. Charlie hasn't slept right and is working herself to the bone to help you. I don't know him that well but I've seen Michael's face as he broke and I know it hurt you too." He smiled very gently as he watched Cas' eyes dart between Dean's, unsure of which to focus on. "It's okay," he whispered and leaned forward to touch his forehead to Castiel's. "I'm here, it's okay Cas."
Cas' jaw quivered and his lip trembled as he tried to steady himself but failed. "I'm scared," he choked out the words and Dean realized he'd never seen Cas' mental self so shaken.
"I know," Dean nodded and moved to kiss Cas' forehead before going back to touching noses, "I'm scared too. We're all afraid, Cas, but sometimes we find something to feel strong enough to face that fear. Every day there's something to be terrified of, but people find a reason to get up in the mornings."
"This isn't like that,"
"Not exactly, no." Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him into a hug; he held tight as he felt Cas' fingers curl into his shirt. He had a thousand things he wanted to say but there were only a few that managed to get out of his throat and reach his mouth. "I just wanted to tell you that you're the reason I get up in the mornings. You mean the world to me, Castiel and I will do anything I can to help you. I know it's scary and I know it's going to hurt, but you gotta tear off that bandage. You think you're helping by keeping yourself from that pain, but you're going to do more damage if you never let yourself heal all the way."
Cas' face pressed hard against Dean's shoulder and a sob shuddered through his body. "Will you stay?" He barely managed the words and Dean immediately replied
"Yes, always."
"I can't do this alone," Cas whimpered and let himself be almost fully supported by Dean's arms around him, "Do you swear you'll be here?"
"I swear I'll never leave you, Cas." Dean stood firmly and projected his determination through his words as well as his presence. The world around them felt as intense as Dean did, reflecting his most inner feelings; it felt as though their surroundings were cradling Castiel as much as Dean was.
It was a few moments before Castiel felt like he was relaxing; a soft laugh escaped him as he mumbled, "I love you too, Dean."
Dean smiled and rested his head against Cas' as he asked, "So will you go back to your own head?"
"I will," Cas sighed but didn't move, staying in Dean's arms for a little longer.
"How long until I can talk to this part of you again?"
Castiel hummed and after another few seconds he leaned back so he could look at Dean's face again. Dean noticed the redness around Cas' eyes and the moisture that still resided in them, but he looked more comfortable somehow. "When I go to sleep next I'll pass back over to my mind and connect with the rest of myself." Cas took another deep breath, still preparing himself. "Don't tell me about this, okay? I don't know what might happen, if anything, if I'm aware of it."
"Sure thing, lips are sealed." Dean leaned in and stole a kiss, "I promise."
A/N2:
P.S. if you're not following my Zafiction tumblr account you're missing quality questions like what to name Cas' pet rock