Okay- this is probably as close as I'll ever get to Crack fic, but this HAS actually happened in my town before, where a d... I can't spoil it! The point is, it's... unique. I loved writing it- please review! :)
Roy sighed, relaxed. Batman, GA, and Flash had to go attend some boring peace conference with the UN, so he was stuck babysitting.
Yet for once- he didn't mind it. Because he'd come up with something brilliant- Hide and Don't Seek. And he was currently the don't-seeker. He was sitting in his room, listening to monks chanting on his ipod and feeling- for once- completely zen.
He smiled. This was really, really nice. And knowing how devoted these kids were to hide and seek, they were out of his hair for at least two hours, if not more. He sighed, relieved. This whole relaxing thing wasn't so bad.
Maybe that book for teenagers Oliver had so awkwardly presented to him when he turned thirteen- was right. Maybe he shouldn't sweat the small stuff. Of course, he wouldn't know, since he'd read the title, which was 'don't sweat the small stuff- for teens'. He'd started to flip through it, interested about what he was becoming, since this book seemed to know quite a bit- possibly even more- than he did about being a teenager.
And THEN he'd come to the very, VERY detailed diagram of the male and female reproductive system, tore the book to pieces, and flushed the shreds down the toilet during the night. So, obviously, he wouldn't know, since the book was currently situated in the septic tank. Not that he was stressing about that- like the book said, don't sweat the small stuff.
Still, he couldn't help but wonder what his younger siblings were doing.
Wally had probably hidden in the fridge, consuming everything he could fit into his mouth except for horseradish. Wally had eaten incredibly disgusting things sine he met Roy- a gum ball he found in the cart return at Walmart, under the gum ball machine, toothpaste, and some M&Ms he'd found on the movie theater floor- yet he wouldn't touch horseradish.
Dick was most likely in the vents, being a ninja while simultaneously dragging himself around, using his body to dust out the ducts, and Scarlet- she was probably in the crawl space beneath the manor or something. Hopefully she didn't run into any wild animals under there.
He looked down when he heard a thud, but chose not to investigate it. Not now, when his blood pressure was normal and it'd been a relatively good day.
And then everything was ruined by the shattering of glass. His eyes flew open and he stared. He didn't want to know- he really didn't. But he knew he had to at least check on the kids to make sure they were alright, and he was slightly worried they'd end up having another mouth-wash incident in the ER, but he stood, pausing his music and bracing himself for the pandemonium to come.
He came downstairs and was shocked to find no one, just a shattered window, the remains of which were lying on the living room rug.
He knelt down to examine a piece. That was strange- the glass would've fallen outside if someone had broken it from the inside, but since it'd fallen it, someone would've had to have broken it from the outside. Still,with his siblings, anything was possible.
"Wally? Scarlet? Dick?" he called. There was only a skittering sound from the kitchen. That was the only response.
"It's okay- fine if you don't want to own up to this. I'm really not mad- I just want to make sure no one's hurt. It's fine- come on out." He seriously wasn't upset, and he gave himself a pat on the back for keeping his cool. He deserved a sticker or something for this.
There was no answer. "I'll take that as a no, then. Okay, everyone's fine- I'll tell Ollie it was a bird or something that hit the window."
He went back upstairs to resume being zen.
Wally breathed a sigh of relief as he heard Roy heading upstairs. He'd been in the kitchen, raiding the fridge, but he'd hidden when he heard the window break. He didn't want to loose at hide and seek, and he figured Scarlet or Dick had broken the window.
He settled down to munching on a box of cereal, figuring he'd wait a little longer before venturing out and risking being caught.
He heard something odd from the kitchen, though, that was directly on the other side of the door. Was that- snorting?
"Scarlet? Dick? That you?" Wally asked. At the sound of his voice, the noises abruptly stopped. He was confused, and he opened the door, curious... To be staring into the eyes if a quivering, massive ten point buck.
He froze- every muscle within the deer was taught, like he was ready to spring forward, his sides heaving, and he had that terrified look in his eyes.
Wally dropped the box of cereal, and in a flailing mass of sinewy legs and hooves, the deer barreled out of the room.
Wally gaped, shocked and a little scared. He knocked on the floor three times.
A moment later, Scarlet appeared from the crawl space, after he helped her by pulling up the three loose floorboards.
"What's up, Wally?" she asked, looking curiously at her brother's odd expression.
Wally looked like he'd just taken a sip of sour milk. "I... um... I think... there's a deer in the house. But I could be hallucinating..."
Scarlet shrugged, opening the pantry door. "Only one way to find out. Where'd he go?"
"Towards the game room, I think..." Wally said, still looking unsettled.
Scarlet peered down the hall, finding herself staring at a pile of round pellets of crap...
"Um.. yeah. I think it's a deer." Scarlet said simply.
"So I'm not crazy." Wally said, looking relieved. "So- what do we do about it?"
Scarlet shrugged. "I have no idea. You're supposed to know these things! You're older." Scarlet said, looking to him for guidance.
Wally threw up his hands in frustration. "Well pardon me for not signing up for 'what do do when deer break into your house 101' when I got to pick my junior high classes this year!"
"Why don't we ask Dick?" Scarlet asked, and Wally nodded, looking relieved to at least have a plan. "Yeah- Dick'll know what to do."
Wally grabbed a broom and started banging on the ceiling.
Roy could hear a repetitive banging as he chilled out in his room, but he chose to ignore it. He was not going to sweat the small stuff, and a moment later the banging ceased. he smiled, eyes still closed. This zen thing was really working out.
"Do you want to give our position away to Roy? What happened to 'win hide and seek at all costs?" Dick demanded, peering out the vent grate that led into the kitchen sternly, looking annoyed. He took his hide-and-seek seriously.
"There's a deer in the house." Scarlet said simply.
"There's a what in the what?" Dick asked, thinking he'd heard them wrong.
"There's a deer in the house." Wally repeated.
"Are you serious?" Dick asked, kicking out the grate and jumping down to be with them.
"Yep. He left a little present in the hallway." Scarlet said. Dick nodded, noticing the glass in the living room.
"He must've jumped through the window." Dick confirmed.
"What do we do?" Wally asked. "Maybe... maybe we should tell Roy."
"But then we'd loose hide and seek." Dick said, looking serious.
Just then the deer barreled into the room, bucking and kicking, antlers somehow caught on a towel rack that'd been ripped from the wall.
Luckily the kitchen was so large- the kids reacted, each doing a perfect hood-slide across the marble island and racing upstairs towards Roy room, hide and seek forgotten. They'd give up the ghost at hide and seek, as long as it meant they didn't get gored by those antlers.
Roy opened his eyes, slightly annoyed, to the incessant banging on his door. It sounded like a bunch of wildebeests, and he closed his eyes, trying to ignore it. It didn't go away, though.
He opened his eyes, annoyed, after the second minute.
"If no one's bleeding and nothing's on fire, I don't want to hear it- you guys need to learn not to sweat the small stuff." he said, turning up his music.
All three of his siblings barreled inside, then, an expression of pure terror on their faces.
"There is a deer IN THE HOUSE!" Dick yelled. The twelve year old was probably as close to hysterical as he'd ever seen him.
Roy sat up and yanked out his ear buds, shocked. "What!?"
"A deer jumped in the window and broke it and now it's trashing the house." Scarlet said, looking afraid.
Roy looked at all three kids- none of them looked like they were lying.
"This is some joke, isn't it? Some cruel, cruel joke, right?" he laughed uncomfortably at the end, which promptly turned to a grimace when he heard shattering from downstairs.
"What do we do?" he asked, looking from face to face nervously.
"Call 911?" Scarlet suggested.
"No way- they'd think we were prank calling!" Roy said. He slammed his bedroom door, muffling the sounds of destruction from downstairs and sighing.
"Maybe we could call a hunter or somebody to shoot it?" Wally suggested.
"Oh yeah, like some guy like Elmer Fudd is gonna help us now." Roy said bitterly.
"Maybe... maybe we could chase it out." Dick suggested hesitantly.
"No!" Scarlet and Wally said in unison. "That thing is HUGE! No way we'd be able to get it out..."
Scarlet looked up after a beat of silence. "What if- what if we started the house on fire? I mean, Bambi ran away from fire, didn't he?"
"That just might work." Wally said, and Roy face palmed. "No! Just- no! Our insurance will DEFINITELY not cover that!"
"Well does it cover unruly deer?" Dick asked.
"I- argh! Forget it- I'm calling Ollie. He can't possibly blame this on us. We just have to figure out a way out if this..."
He tried paging Ollie via communicator, but he wasn't answering. He tried once, twice, by the fifth time, he gave up hope and threw his communicator across the room. "He's not ANSWERING, damn it!" he was breathing heavily now, and he kicked the wall, frustrated.
He was SO not zen right now. Forget ZEN- what did people ever get from being zen!? They got a retarded deer that broke into their house and super hero parents who wouldn't pick up the dang communicator!
Just then, he had an inspiration. "Everyone in the bathroom!" they ran down the hall, locking themselves in the bathroom. Roy sat on the closed toilet, nodding to them. "Here's the deal- we take this place BACK. Trap that thing in a room and chill until Ollie gets back. Scarlet- you chase that thing into the kitchen with a broom. Dick, wally, you try and push the desk from the office over against the shove door- I'll get the other one. We set?"
Everyone nodded, and Roy opened the door. "Let's move."
They'd just finished by jamming a chair under the doorknob when Oliver, Bruce, and Barry walked in.
Oliver looked around, shocked. The place looked like a tornado had hit it. Couch cushions torn up and leaking stuffing- the broken window, curtain rods on the floor, end tables overturned and broken lamps and picture frames everywhere.
"This is SO not what it looks like." Roy said.
Oliver's jaw clenched and he spoke through grit teeth. "You...trashed...the house. I could take it the first time, Roy, when that maniac broke in. But this- this is too much. If you were going to have a party, the least you could do is have it when the kids were NOT around..."
"Woah! I did NOT have a party! I've been-"
"Upupupup!" Oliver silenced him, shaking his finger at him. "I am not finished speaking." he was clearly trying not to totally lose it in front of everyone.
"But Uncle Ollie..."
"Shh! Scarlet, no." Oliver said firmly. He opened his mouth to speak when the deer, which as inside the kitchen, rammed into the door, and it moved.
Barry stared. "Did that door just... move?"
"Everybody down, now!" Roy yelled, voice commanding authority. "Cover your heads- this is gonna be rough."
"What i-" Bruce was cut off as the chair fell over, the door burst open, and the deer went barreling through the glass front door, running across the lawn and disappearing into the woods.
Slowly, the kids all sat up. "Everyone okay?" Roy asked, and they all nodded.
Oliver stared at the freshly shattered glass, shocked. "W-was that a deer?" he stuttered, disbelief written on his expression.
Roy rolled his eyes. "No- it was just the one guy that came to my PARTY. You know what, forget this, I'm done! Bruce, Barry, take your kids and run, I'm about to flip out!" Roy yelled, before turning to Oliver.
"I TOLD YOU! I SO friggin' told you! 'this isn't what it looks like'! Well of course it isn't, cause a retarded friggin DEER jumped through the window and went on a freakin' rampage! You didn't answer your communicator! I called like FIVE TIMES!"
Roy started to replay the messages.
'Hey Ollie... we have a... situation at the manor you need to come home... um... now. Thanks, come quick!'
'Ollie- I REALLY need some help. This is pretty serious, come home now!'
'Dammit Ollie, ANSWER! We have a SITUATION here, I need help! Get your ass home!'
'Ollie- please, please come home- there's a deer in a rampage, the kids are scared, and we're locked in my bedroom. Please, please help...'
"Screw it! What the hell is wrong with you- 'call in an emergency, Roy, durp durp durp' the ONE time there's an emergency you don't answer! Forget it- oh shit." there was a bunch of crashing in the background, and the message cut out.
Roy stood, breathing heavily through clenched teeth. "And the worst part is- I was RESPONSIBLE! I didn't call the cops, the press would've been all over it if I did, I CALLED you and- screw it! Screw being zen! Don't sweat the small stuff- only idiots listen to that crap! From now on- I WILL sweat the small stuff! And I WILL like it! I will FLIP OUT LIKE A HORMONAL GIRL every time plans change! And I will LOVE it! Screw you, self help books!"
Roy kicked the wall, heading upstairs. He stopped just before he slammed the door. "Have fun cleaning up the deer shit!" he yelled, before he fell into bed, sighing. It'd been a rough day.