I stick my pink tongue back out at him and he grabs my hand to pull me over to the stairs that he leads me down and to the cash register where a boy with a Beatles hair cuts stands, snapping his gum as he plays with something in his lanky hands and I can't help but to note the wide eyed expression that rushes over his face when his eyes run over Paul.
"Wait a second." I whisper and I tug on his arm and Paul turns to face me and we swivel to place our backs to the older looking teen.
"Hmm? What is it?"
"Will you give me that record?" I ask and his black lines of eyebrows dip. "I mean so I can buy it for you."
"Ta, darling. But you don't have to, you know."
"But I want to. I need help with this money business though." I mumble as we turn back toward the carb register.
"Alright, well you need one of these and a few of these..." he trails off as he takes my clutch out of my hands to retrieve the bills as well as coins that I'm lost with their value and what they mean and I set the two records down for the cashier to ring up and bag. He does just that and we leave with the bag to resume our walk in the rain.
"How do you guys stick up with this rain? It seems like it's always raining or it's cloudy out."
"I guess we're all used to it by now, so we put up with it. I'd much rather it be sunny all the time and warm, but sometimes that gets to be too much, I think." he responds as life passes us by on the road and also the walk.
A pair of girls that look a little older than me pass us with their done up hair and knee length dress as one of them holds an umbrella, and I see their eyes catch with Paul's who holds the umbrella. They all share smiles and I see him stare at them for a few seconds, and I just shake my head and look ahead until he glances back. Why do guys have to be like that? And act as if the girl standing right next to them is I oblivious when the straight truth is that they can see it easily?
"Is it alright if I go over to Izzy's and stay there?"
"No, I mean yeah that's fine. You don't need me to say yes, love, but I like to know where you are." he answers and I nod my head silently and we turn to come upon her house and I take my record from the bag that is wrapped in plastic to leave him with the bag where his own sits. He stares after me as I walk up the stairs without having given him any kind of goodbye.
"We should be off around four, but we have some other meeting until five, so I'll see you then?"
"Yeah, sure." I respond before knocking on the door and once Iz lets me in I watch him walk away with his hands stuffed into his pockets and he looks back at me once more with a placid look coating his features.
"Why didn't ya give him a goodbye kiss? I always love those." Isabelle asks as she politely takes my coat and I kick off my wet shoes before walking over to her where she stands in the kitchen.
"I'm kind of mad at him so..."
"What, how come?" she questions while pouring steaming water from her bright colored kettle into two mugs, this time they're a light pink.
"I caught him checking out two girls on the way here. I'm just over thinking it though, because it isn't a big deal or anything... Wait, is it?"
"I don't think it is much of that one, doll face, but it's when it happens a lot that you should begin to get worried. My old Ray used to glance at a few birds on occasion, but I thought it was never more than that and that they were only looks. Only I didn't know that they went further than that, unfortunately," she takes a couple of seconds to add hot chocolate mix to the hot mugs and then she hands me mine that I take by the warm handle. "What I'm trying to say, sweetheart, is that basically all men take a look or two at other women, but it's not a worry if it just stops at that."
I nod my head as we both take seats at the table that is a little bit cluttered than the last time I was here, with a small stack of mail, a few bottles of nail polish, a little mirror and things like pencils and empty tea cups.
"Wait, he hasn't, has he?" she asks and I guess she's alluding to that word all girls hate to hear or never want to.
"Cheat? No, I kind of doubt it, but I still don't know him all that well, we haven't been technically together all that long and he kind of has this reputation of doing so, or maybe I'm wrong. I should just forget about it anyways, I already feel bad."
"Love, you don't have to feel bad. We all worry about some things and I know that I've only met him really twice, or once if you want to call it that, but I can already tell that you care about him and that he's mean something to you. We can't control our feelings. It must be why love can be so life consuming sometimes, but when you feel something for a person you can never really change it." she tells me with her comforting batch of words that hit my ears and I smile at her before looking back down to my mug.
"I just want to be enough."
"We all want to, doll. It's normal to feel that way, I promise." she tells me and she pats my hand and then draws it away to sip from her hot chocolate.
I drink from mine to find the decadent, sweet taste to meet my taste buds as the rain hits the windows and the walls of the house. I love that sound and the cozy kind of feeling that comes from it.
"I hope you don't mind me staying here for awhile, since he has to work basically all day."
"No, I don't mind at all, darling. Today is my day off, finally they gave me on so I'm all yours. We're gonna have such a blast today, even though it's raining outside, what's new? But I'm sure we can find some fun things to do to waste the time away until what time do you say he'll be off?" she assures me with her friendly smile that could make anybody feel comfortable.
"Five, I guess."
"Mm, well we'll have plenty of time then for some things." she comments and I nod my head and look down to my cold hands that I fold and I stare at for a moment as his charming face is seen in my mind.
"Lets go play some records, paint our nails and flip through some magazines, so you can get him off of your mind. I know things are tough, but it's okay, Courtie. Some things aren't meant to last, but then some are." she brings her words down to a different level and she takes my hand to pull me over to the couch where we sit down with our hot chocolates still warming our hands and cheeks. She starts to talk to me about the funny time she had yesterday at her work with a coworker of hers while she's bent down to put a record on as I pick up a magazine off of the sitting table as the sound of his voice begins to leave my mind, but I'm thinking that it won't be that easy.
I let go of the pink towel hanging on a hook and I glance back to the round mirror to see my smiling face. I move some hair to behind my ear and then my head snaps to hear a loud knocking on the front door and then Izzy's welcoming voice and another that's so familiar.
"She's just in the loo. She shouldn't be long. Would you lot like to stay for dinner or something?"
"No thanks. I um already have something planned, but maybe another time." the male voice answers as I stand in the doorway of the bathroom, and I tell my feet to move but they won't. I feel bad about how things were left this morning, but I still feel uneasy about seeing him and I blame it on over thinking.
I shut the light off and step into the hall to see the tall man with his hands in his pockets, like he always seem to be found, and staring down at the floor with a balanced look that is neither sad nor ecstatic while Izzy rinses dishes in the sink and I hear the chime of the clock striking six o'clock. Earlier he said five o'clock, and I began to grow impatient and a little ticked off when five passed and he never came, but I don't mind Izzy's company. I love it actually. Like she said we painted our nails, looked through magazines, gossiped, talked about celebrities, our favorites, food and a load of other things that I can't think of at the moment. I take a breath and walk into the living room and I see his eyes lift to fall on me and we both offer weak smiles and I say goodbye to Izzy and thanks for the day before leaving. I found it odd that Paul didn't do the same and he continued to act more and more weird as we got into his car to drive the short distance back to their place, and he didn't say a word to me.
"How was recording and the meeting you had today?" I casually ask as we enter the quiet apartment that was surrounded by teenage fans, girls of course.
"Fine. They were fine." he responds in a monotone voice lacking any kind of emotion or feeling as he takes off his shoes and then walks into the kitchen and I depart to the living room to find my art supplies sitting in a pile on the table there.
I sit down on the floor with my legs crossed and I set the pad in front of me with the not quite finished painting laid out in front of me and I lay out the paints as well, and then I remember that I need water so I walk into the kitchen to find Paul smoking at the table with the window to his right wide open. I let my eyes sit on his figure for a moment before finding a little glass bowl in a lower cupboard that I fill with water from the tap.
"Paul?"
"What?" he retorts and I notice the day's paper to be laid out in front of him as his jacket lays on the back of the chair where the top looks like an upside down 'U' and then I glance to his hand holding his alive cigarette that is pressed against his cheek.
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, everything's wonderful." he replies, sarcastically, I assume.
"Are you-."
"I'm sure. Now will you please leave me be?" he retorts in a harsh tone.
"Okay, I-I'm sorry. I was just wondering. I don't want you to be crabby or anything."
"That's bit hard now, isn't it?" he finally looks to me and away from the black and white paper and I see the pained look in his eyes that I didn't have the time to notice before. "Yet another bird called up the office we're at today claiming that I'm her child's father, and for all I know there's an okay chance I could be. All I can do is watch them pay her off to shut her up so her big announcement won't mess up our success. It's kind of hard to not become upset about that, don't you think?"
"Do you want to find out if the kid is yours?"
"I dunno," he answers in an angry tone, as if I just asked one of the most stupid questions he's ever heard. "I easily could be though, 'cause I-."
"I don't wanna hear it, Paul."
"You might as well, though. I'm not the perfect guy who does all of these things for you or says all of these cute things, and you should know that. And I'm not always easy to be with, but I reckon that you've already figured that out for yourself..." his words wander from him as I hold the glass dish.
"I never said that you are perfect or aren't, Paul."
"Please don't start with that bloody Jesus crap about how only he is perfect, and how none of us are." he returns quickly and my look falls, because he knows that I have that background and belief and when his eyes flit to me I see them change.
"Court, I didn't mean that. I really didn't."
"I'm sorry that you're not in a good mood and that today isn't turning out how you wanted it to be, but that doesn't mean you should take it out on somebody else who's just conveniently there. You're the one talking about how I've been pushing people away, and you should know that you're not any better at it." I tell him with the boldness in my tone and I turn to walk into the living room that feels so empty as well as lonely while silence dances all through it.
I sigh and wrap my arms around my legs after I sit back down and I rest my head on my bent knees and I close my eyes. I knew something was off about him the minute I heard his voice and saw him tonight, but there was no way I could've expected that; what just happened in there. I hate it.