Edward Point Of View

I had hoped that Bella wouldn't see me at her graduation. When she started to turn her head in my direction as if some sixth sense alerted her to my presence I sped out of the gym. This was the first time I had come to check on her since I left. I needed to see her graduate to see that she had a full happy life. She looked thinner than I remembered, her hair was a longer, my fingers ached to run through her soft thick hair. I briefly wondered if it still smelled like strawberries. I watched her face when she smiled at Charlie. Her smile was laced with a sadness that I could tell she was trying to keep hidden. Her eyes gave everything away. Her lips smiled but there was a shadow that briefly fell over her eyes. She did a good job of pushing it away before most people would notice but thanks to my keen vampire senses and the fact that I had known her so well I caught it.

This is also how I could see the subtle shift in her posture when she felt my presence in the gym. Her hands started to shake slightly and her eyes became almost frantic as her head started to turn towards the exit door where I was standing. Before her eyes had reached me I was out of the door and hidden in the woods beside the school.

I should have left after that but I couldn't. I felt the undeniable pull towards her. I followed Charlie's cruiser when he took her out for a celebratory dinner and again when he drove them home. I listened to her move about her room changing clothes and then I followed her and a very tall boy as they headed to Jessica's for a party. I hid from her view more carefully but I could see her looking around occasionally as if she felt me watching her. I could smell the alcohol in her drinks from my hiding place. The more she drank the less she seemed to feel me watching. I watched in amazement as she allowed the boy to take her to the dance floor. She had always hated dancing. I felt a pang of jealousy when I watched the boy easily wrap his arms around her and she rested her head against his chest.

When the song ended I saw her smile at the boy who leaned down for a kiss. Bella let him kiss her but I could see her body tense slightly, she was holding back. She had always been so free and willing to kiss me. With this boy she was more reserved. She was doing a good job of hiding that but I could hear and see things others couldn't. Her heart wasn't racing wildly in her chest the way it did when we kissed. When the boy wasn't looking the shadow briefly fell over her eyes.

When the boy had led her upstairs every muscle in my body tensed and I had to hold on to the tree to keep from going in and ripping him apart. When she came back down not long afterwards I was shocked at the change in her. Her eyes had so much pain hidden in the depths and the way she had her arms wrapped tightly around her chest made me wonder if she had been physically hurt.

I followed Angela as she drove Bella home and I listened until I heard her cries slow as she fell asleep. I climbed in her window and was enveloped in her familiar scent. It nearly knocked me over. I had craved her scent since the moment I left her in the woods. My heart had ached to be this close to her again. I watched her sleep for a few minutes before I noticed the journal in her hands. I slowly pulled it from her grasp and started to put it on her bedside table. I knew I shouldn't invade her privacy but I was curious about her behavior tonight and even more I wanted to find out how her life had been since I left. I quietly sat down in the chair I used to always sit in while I watched her sleep.

I flipped the journal open to the first entry and started reading. Every entry started the same. "Dear Alice…" I took a deep unnecessary breath. The guilt was overwhelming, not only had I hurt her by leaving but I took away her best friend along with the rest of my family. I hadn't really considered how much more this would have upset her on top of breaking up with her the way I did. But it was for her, her safety, to give her a chance of a normal life, at least that was what I kept telling myself.

The first few letters painfully tore at my heart. The pain that filled each letter was palpable. I had thought she would forget about me quickly and that I would be the only one to suffer the intense pain for years. But she was suffering just as much as I was. Then her letters started talking about Jacob more and more. This must be the tall boy I had seen her with all day. She talked about loving what was good for her, worrying she would never be able to love anyone because of the hole in her heart. She explained the reason why she wraps her arms around her chest so tightly. I understood all too well the feelings she was describing, feelings that made her feel as if her body was going to break into a million little pieces if she didn't hold herself together. I had spent weeks at a time hidden in abandoned houses or underground with my knees pulled to my chest and my arms holding them as tightly to me as I could.

When I finally got to the entry from tonight I had almost resolved to wake her up and beg forgiveness for what I had done.

"Alice,

Tonight should have been a night I would remember for the rest of my life. Instead all I want to do is burn the memory from my brain. I let Jake take my virginity tonight and instead of being in the moment with my boyfriend, the man I am supposed to love, all I could think was it wasn't supposed to be him. It was supposed to be Edward. Even after all these months I held on to that dream of Edward being the one I gave myself to. Even while I was there with Jake I was wishing it was Edward. I even tried to close my eyes and pretend but Jake is too warm and there was no way I could make myself believe it was Edward. I wish I could use the excuse of being drunk, because I was, but I wasn't so drunk I couldn't control my thoughts. That just means I am a terrible person. Jake loves me so much and there I was wishing he were someone else… And now I feel the loss of Edward all over again. This was the last thing I had to give him and it's gone.

Which leaves me with just one choice to make. I have to totally and completely let Edward go. I need to give Jake as much as I am capable of. It won't be easy because the majority of my heart even now still belongs to Edward and always will. But I need to close the door on that part in order to keep myself from going back to how it was the first several months after he left. Maybe then the nightmares and panic attacks will stop. I will give Jake everything I have left because he has been the one thing that has saved me. He helped me come back to life. Which also means I need to say goodbye to you as well. No more writing you letters in my journal or sending you emails even though they always come back to my inbox undeliverable. I owe it to Charlie and Jake and I owe it to myself to grab a hold of the small bit of happiness I have found amongst all the dark and emptiness that Edward left."

I closed the journal silently and placed it on Bella's bedside table. I stood watching her sleep for minutes, maybe hours. Lost in memories and dreams of my own. She had suffered more than I thought she would, but eventually she had started to rebuild. This Jacob had been a big part of that and while the jealousy threatened to consume me, I was still thankful for the role he had played in her life. She could be happy with him and have everything I wish I could give her. A mortal human life with kids and grandkids and most importantly, a life away from the dangers of vampires. I gently brushed a lock of hair off her face. She sighed softly in her sleep. So quietly I wondered if I had just imagined it I heard my name in the sigh, my heart clinched in my chest

I bent down and gently kissed her cheek. "Be happy Bella." I whispered and then quietly made my way out of her window and into the night.

I made a quick call to Alice to tell her about the events of the day. I apologized for taking her away from her best friend. I hadn't considered her feelings or Bella's feelings about Alice when I made the decision to force my family to leave and abandon Bella so completely. I told Alice about the journal and about the emails Bella had written.

"I don't know if she will ever write you again and Im not sure it would be a good idea for any of us to be in contact with her because of the danger we bring into her life but she might need her best friend one day and I don't want to be the cause of her feeling totally alone with no one to turn to."

"That may be sooner than you think." I could tell Alice knew something she wasn't sure I would want to know.

"Tell me." I sighed.

"I promise I wasn't looking into her future. It just happened."

"Alice I'm not mad. Please, just tell me."

"She's pregnant and there is a high probability that the baby won't live to see its 2nd birthday. Bella and the father will be married before the baby is born but for some reason after her baby dies she moves back in with Charlie and I can see her trying to contact me."

"Reopen that email address back up Alice. Be there for her when she needs you. I got a good picture of what my leaving did to her from reading her journal, if the pain of losing me hurt her that badly, I fear what she will do when she loses the child."

Alice was uncharacteristically quiet on the other end of the phone.

"Is there more?"

"Nothing that is clear. I just keep getting flashes of things. Wolves, cliffs, water…"

I could tell she was keeping some other flashes from me but I didn't press her. "If anything becomes more solid and you think I need to know, call me."

"You still aren't coming home? Esme misses you desperately."

"I miss her and everyone but I cant come back yet. I would be constantly on edge waiting on Bella to contact you and your visions would drive me insane as I tried to interpret them."

"I understand Edward. But please call us more often, at least Esme."

"I promise I will be better keeping in touch."

"Take care and come back when you can."

I hung up the phone and ran back to where I had parked my car in the woods.