A/N Hey y'all, here's the second installment to my random-ass fic Take A Hint. I was surprised when, the morning after I posted, I saw just how many people read and followed. Is that the fandom, or is my book just that appealing? Probably the former.
Anyways, prepare for EXTREME AWESOMENESS and the craziest, stupidest mash-up of all clichés!
Extended Summary: Modern AU. Should she choose the sweet next-door neighbor, the childhood friend who's always "friend zoned," the player who turns into a puddle of mush around her, the nerd with an IQ of over 200, the popular heartthrob who just so happens to have his sights set on her, the goth boy who hangs out in the corners of the room and always speaks in riddle, the delinquent who somehow makes beating people into pulp seem romantic, etc. The possibilities are endless! Oh, boy, Lucy Heartfilia's life is just so hard! Crack.
Warnings: ABSOLUTE CRACK, Lucy's reverse harem, mentions of yaoi and yuri, swearing, perverts, shameless flirting, face-palm situations, characters who you just want to bitch slap, modern AU, shameless use of teen fiction clichés, heavy sarcasm, dark themes (that I use in order to create a satire-the way I portray them IS NOT what I think of in real life, I swear, fanfiction has just turned me into a horrible, horrible person), OOCness from practically everyone (mainly Lucy, though), extreme bipolarness and randomness from practically everyone (especially Lucy)
I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM WITH THIS PORTRAYAL OF STEREOTYPES THAT I PERSONALLY DO NOT AGREE WITH. I DO NOT MEAN TO INSINUATE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THAT ANYTHING IN THIS STORY IS ACCEPTABLE OR EXPECTED, BECAUSE A LOT OF THEMES IN THIS ARE NOT. This was all written for comedy's purpose, I swear, though I bet it was a failed attempt at humor.
Disclaimer: I wish I owned Fairy Tail, but since I don't, you can join me in the pity party corner and let's eat some chocolate. *hugs*
Take Two
Natsu cringes, waiting for Lucy to do something, but the girl is far too shocked and disgusted to do anything. Before she even thinks of opening her mouth to respond to theproposal of lifetime enslavement, the door slams open again, and Lucy's father bursts into the room.
She gasps upon seeing her father, whose once neatly trimmed hair is now a wild, long mass (despite the fact that it's literally physically impossible to grow that much hair overnight) and whose suit has been turned into a dirty, torn coat complete with a hobo sack. Quickly deciding that she doesn't want anyone to know that her father is this random, disgusting hobo, she turns her head to the side in an effort to hide herself from his searching gaze, but, unfortunately for her, she happens to be the only blonde in the classroom (why in the world is the natural hair color the most rare?), and he easily catches sight of her.
"Lucy!" he bellows, plowing through the crowds of insignificant, unimportant students (anyone who isn't the protagonist and her love interests has been reduced to scenery, and if you're lucky enough, you can be the protagonist's sidekick) and screeching to a stop in front of his daughter. "I was gambling and I forgot that we technically have no money, and despite the fact that I've been gambling ever since you were born, I still suck at it, so I managed to lose against this giant douchebag who started to kill me with a beer mug for not having the money on hand, but then I decided to sell you to him to pay off all my debts and get a few extra jewels so I can keep on with my horrible gambling. He's coming right now, go make love to him!"
"WHAT?" Lucy screeches, but before she can do anything drastic (like finishing the giant douchebag's unfinished work), the door slams open, and someone steps in. "HOW DARE YOU-oh my gosh, you're so sexy."
The white-haired boy smirks, his eyes raking up and down Lucy's body unashamedly. "You're not so bad yourself, honey. The wedding's in Vegas, two hours. Wear something pretty."
He turns around, about to leave just as abruptly gracefully, and sexily as his entrance, but Lucy, mesmerized by the arrogance that somehow manages to infuse itself into his every movement, spouts out the first thing that pops into her mind to keep him from leaving. "You're such a pompous, pretentious ass, but you're hot, so I am disturbingly attached to you, to the point of complete and utter dependence. What's your name?"
The white-haired sex bomb pauses for a moment before throwing the snobbiest wink over his shoulder at his ten-second fiancée. "Lyon Vastia."
Lucy, along with all the other girls in class (because we all know that in anime, girls in a high school setting are either: too dense, too bitchy, too sweet, too intense, too doormat-ish, too violent, or too fangirly-but then again, it's not like we can judge those last types, am I right?), squeals and swoons right then and there, steam bursting out of their ears as they melt into puddles on the floor.
But because Lucy's life, which has just started going in the right direction again (despite her melodramatic* bouts of depression, cacophobia, social anxiety-which, surprisingly, have not yet shown up, even though she once told Gray that talking to new people for her is "like walking across a barren gladiator arena where people fight to the death for laughs, except they're beating me up, and I can't breathe and-and-and-GRAY, MY INHALER!"), sucks balls, the windows fracture in unison before shattering in a rain of broken glass, everyone except for Lucy getting drenched in sharp, jagged edges, but apparently, they're all Iron Man because not one of them gets a scratch while Lucy, who happens to be the one sitting in the corner furthest away from the windows, gets ten million cuts and abrasions, not to mention where those shards end up.
You don't want to know.
And because everyone, even the unnamed minor characters, has fallen in love with Lucy, everyone immediately freezes, but since the plot requires her to think that everyone hates her for being ugly and stupid, they don't do anything and only watch with wide eyes as Lucy comes to the epiphany that yes, indeed. she is hated by everyone for being ugly and stupid (*zing* nice one, Sagittarius, you hit the bulls-eye! "Moshi, moshi!").
However, her plight is forgotten (even by the victim herself, but then again, Lucy did inherit that goldfish attention span of her father's) when the thing/person that/who broke the classroom windows (epic and all, but, umm, ever heard of school property?) finally stands up, the dust and glass shards scattered from the explosion clearing up just in time to reveal his slim, lean figure.
"GRAY?" Lucy gasps, not believing her eyes. When did he get so...hot?
"I'm a werewolf!" the boy in question (exclamation?) suddenly and randomly declares, pulling a pair of cat ear headbands out of his pants (please, don't tell us where he got them out of) and plopping them onto his head as a large, bushy white tail magically grows out of his ass. "And Lucy, you're my mate!"
Lyon, despite having only met Lucy thirty seconds ago, growls at the intrusion on his territory-especially by this boy. "Stay out of this, puppy dog, Lucy and I are going to get married, and you can't do anything about it."
Gray scowls at Lyon. "You're my brother, so you basically just called yourself a puppy dog, puppy dog!" Gasps and whispers of "ooh, BUUUURN" echo around the room.
Lyon flinches slightly before regaining his footing, a cool smirk pulling at his lips. "I know you are, but what am I?"
The two glare at each other before continuing their little kiddy fight. "A puppy dog!"
"Well, you're glue and I'm a trampoline, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!"
Gray's eyes widen and Natsu's scream of, "Suck it, Ice Puppy!" doesn't seem to help matters. Swallowing, he stammers, "I-I...ugh...I'm telling Mom!"
At that, Lyon's eyes also widen, but in a much more comical, much more terrified fashion. "No, anyone but her! I DON'T WANNA END UP LIKE DELIORA!"
"Dad had it coming," Gray says sagely, nodding his head, as if their entire conversation doesn't sound like something straight out of a kindergartener's idea of what cussing is. Then, his eyes widen again, and he wildly jabs his index finger in Lyon's direction. "HAA! You lost!" Pulling down the skin under one eye while simultaneously sticking his tongue out, Gray taunts in a slightly muffled voice (due to stupidly keeping his tongue out of his mouth), "Nuhw yuhw hahf tah han luheee ohfehh!"
Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly), Lyon understands whatever cultish nonsense his brother just spouted, and he pouts, puffing out his cheeks. Lucy (the protagonist who, despite bleeding out, is watching in rapt attention as two extremely hot, albeit childish, boys battle it out to have possession of her, but then she realizes how chauvinistic that sounded, and a dark aura starts emanating from her body) almost squeals and pinches his cheeks, but when her thoughts suddenly take a turn for the worst, she tilts her head down, letting her bangs shadow her eyes (even though everyone can still her chocolate brown orbs through the realistic gaps in her blonde fringe). "You two..." she begins by growling, not a trace of the sophisticated lady she was brought up to be (hmm, because this hobo right here sure knows how to breed a true, fine young lady) showing currently. "I AM NOT A PIECE OF LIVESTOCK! DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME THAT I BELONG TO SOMEONE!"
And with that, she runs (once again ignoring the fact that she should probably get to the hospital ASAP if she doesn't want to die of blood loss and pain right then and there) across the classroom and leaps out of the empty window frames.
"LUCY! I LOVE YOU!"
"WHAT ABOUT OUR WEDDING IN VEGAS? ELVIS ALREADY SAID THAT HE'D BE THERE!"
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," Lucy mutters as she storms across the empty walkway (everyone else is in class, where they're supposed to be). Her arms are wrapped around her body, pushing her already bountiful chest upwards and squeezing them together in an unintentionally seductive way, drawing the attention of all the boys (who strangely appeared in the moments between her noticing there being no one around and her noticing the boys milling around-and did I mention that they're boys? As in no girls? Glad I could clear that up) unintentionally, might I mention again.
Honestly, she doesn't no whether she's calling her father stupid, her two supposed "mates" stupid, her fiancé stupid, her father stupid, her delinquent who happens to want to beat guys into pulp for me stupid, herself stupid, or her father stupid.
Everyone is stupid, she finally decides after a few long seconds of hard pondering.
Sighing, Lucy slips into the secret glade that she found a couple years back in freshman year-it's been awhile since she's come to visit, and she hopes that the spirits of the area aren't mad at her (because even in the modern world, there's gotta be some tie between Lucy Heartfilia and celestial bodies).
She slowly slides down the trunk of the tree, miraculously not getting any of her clothing dirty or torn, and stares despondently at the wounds that pepper her skin. Now that she's no longer moving, the pain is finally setting in, and it hurts like hell.
"What am I going to do?" Lucy bemoans the situation, conveniently not noticing the four long shadows cast across the ground that she is currently staring at until a creepy voice interrupts her external monologue/complaints.
"Parfume!"
Lucy, being the rational, logical young lady she is screams and scrambles as far away as possible from the stout man who jumped out from behind the tree, surrounded by a group of three other boys who are infinitely much better looking than him. "Pervert! Pedophile! Rape! AHHHHHH! SOMEONE HELP ME!"
Alarmed, the four strangers freeze in front of Lucy, confused looks on their faces. After all, usually, girls start falling on their feet the moment they here Ichiya's scream (right, they're fainting from shock and terror), yet here's a seemingly sweet, innocent looking girl who is screaming such vulgar words insinuating such horrible deeds.
The one who practically nose-raped Lucy clears his throat before shaking his head. Raising on the tips of his toes, he begins to do the shimmy, moving from left to right, the perpetual shine on his flat nose jiggling. "No, we would never do that."
The other three, upon seeing their leader regain his composure, quickly cobble together theirs and surround Lucy. The fair-skinned blonde smiles cutely at her. "We just thought you were lonely."
The orange-haired heart breaker pulls a rose out from his pants (what is it with boys and pulling things out of places we don't want to know about?). "You look lovely as always, ugh...?"
Lucy scowls at him, yet can't help but feel flattered. "My name's Lucy.
"A beautiful name for an even more beautiful woman." The dark-skinned, cool-headed boy smiles at her, lightly reaching out and stroking her cheek gently.
"What a lovely parfume you have, Miss Lucy!" the red-haired creep declares, still dancing around in a disturbingly revealing white suit. "Men!"
Lucy, despite feeling flattered by the attention she's garnering from at max three hot and sexy guys (the creep isn't even considered a boy), shifts away uneasily, slowly starting to stand up. "Well, this was fun and all, but you guys are creepy, I have a fiancé and two mates, and I'm really, really ugly, so bye."
She starts to limp away, but the dark-skinned boy reaches out and catches her wrist. "Wait. You can't go. You're injured."
"Huh?" is all Lucy can say before she feels his soft lips brush against the giant gash on her forearm (let's forget about the fact that he probably has STDs-I mean, you don't know where that mouth has been!-and that the probability of her gaining some sort of infection from such irresponsible treatment is, like, 250%).
The next thing the three boys plus one creep know, Lucy has collapsed onto the ground, tears streaming down her face.
"H-Huh?" is all they can say before her wails begin to pierce the air.
"WAAH! NO! MY INNOCENCE! LYON, I'M SO SORRY FOR CHEATING ON YOU! EVEN THOUGH WE'VE ONLY MET FOR THE FIRST TIME THIRTY MINUTES AGO, I'VE ALREADY GIVEN MY INNOCENCE AWAY TO ANOTHER MAN! OH, THE HORRORS OF SANITATION! OH, THE HORRORS OF INDIRECT KISSING! I AM SO SORRY FOR BEING UNFAITHFUL, LYON! NATSU! GRAY! HELL, EVEN GAJEEL AND DAD! WAAAH! I'M GOING TO HELL!"
And because they are true gentlemen ("Men!"), the three hot guys and one creep stay with Lucy in a paltry attempt at comfort, even though, ten hours later, they will end up leaving Fairy High grounds with ruptured eardrums and a hatred for all things salty.
*So I mentioned this in the first A/N and the one in the last chapter, but I will do so again because I mean this-I know very well that topics such as depression, cacophobia, social anxiety, self-harm, self-hatred, etc. should not be made light of. These are serious problems that everyone deals with. I am only making a satire against stories that use these topics as a sort of catalyst or even cause/basis for romantic relationships. Healthy relationships aren't formed purely based on, though I hate to say it, mental disorders. I swear that I don't meant ANY harm or ANY offense by integrating these themes into what's supposed to be a light-hearted, humorous story. I don't mean to take away from the gravity of the situation, and if you feel that I mean to do such a thing or am doing such a thing, please comment or PM me and tell me exactly what I should change so that no one will think of that. Again, a lot of things in this parody I do not personally agree with, nor would I ever purposefully promote them in real life.
But what can I say? Fanfiction has made me into a terrible, terrible person. :p
So now that all of my validation and heavy self-defense is over, I hope you guys liked the second chapter! Again, I was pretty much blown away by the amount of support the first chapter garnered in the first couple of days. Maybe it's just because I'm new, but none of my other stories have ever reached such amazing stats so soon, so I feel so accomplished when looking at this story (you know what I mean? You know what I mean? *nudge nudge* *wink wink*).
Yeah, maybe later, I'll put a poll up (if I can figure out how to) asking what you want the final pairing to be. No parody can be complete without the most ridiculous, outlandish pairing possible! So, I'll but a bunch of random characters that you don't often see paired with Lucy, and if you think one would be fucking hilarious, drop by and press the button for your preferable pairing, yeah? Note: I do not feel comfortable writing polygamy, so pairings will only be between Lucy and one other person.
I had an idea of who I wanted to pair with Lucy, but in light of the stellar (maybe not compared to other books, but for me, okay?) support I've received for this book, I've decided that I kind of want you guys involved in deciding the direction of this story! It's pretty open-ended, as I'm kinda writing with the flow, so if you have any ridiculous plot points you want me to write in, don't be afraid to comment!
Yeah. Peace, see ya next time, hope you liked it!
Never (LivingDaLife)