A/N Hey y'all, I have arrived with my third update of my parody! Within four days, Take A Hint has become my most popular fanfic.
Wow. Just wow.
Extended Summary: Modern AU. Should she choose the sweet next-door neighbor, the childhood friend who's always "friend zoned," the player who turns into a puddle of mush around her, the nerd with an IQ of over 200, the popular heartthrob who just so happens to have his sights set on her, the goth boy who hangs out in the corners of the room and always speaks in riddle, the delinquent who somehow makes beating people into pulp seem romantic, etc. The possibilities are endless! Oh, boy, Lucy Heartfilia's life is just so hard! Crack.
Warnings: ABSOLUTE CRACK, Lucy's reverse harem, mentions of yaoi and yuri, swearing, perverts, shameless flirting, face-palm situations, characters who you just want to bitch slap, modern AU, shameless use of teen fiction clichés, heavy sarcasm, dark themes (that I use in order to create a satire-the way I portray them IS NOT what I think of in real life, I swear, fanfiction has just turned me into a horrible, horrible person), OOCness from practically everyone (mainly Lucy, though), extreme bipolarness and randomness from practically everyone (especially Lucy)
I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM WITH THIS PORTRAYAL OF STEREOTYPES THAT I PERSONALLY DO NOT AGREE WITH. I DO NOT MEAN TO INSINUATE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THAT ANYTHING IN THIS STORY IS ACCEPTABLE OR EXPECTED, BECAUSE A LOT OF THEMES IN THIS ARE NOT. This was all written for comedy's purpose, I swear, though I bet it was a failed attempt at humor.
Disclaimer: I have no patience for anything that doesn't involve chocolate, so you see, creating two anime series with over a hundred episodes each would not be my forte. So, I do not own Fairy Tail, I do not claim to own Fairy Tail, and that is that.
Take Three
After ten hours of wailing over her loss of innocence to the dark-skinned boy's lips (only until a few months into her marriage-with whom, I won't reveal, 'cause this is written in third limited/omniscient, so I have the legal right to no disclosure-does she finally find out the names of the trio of hot boys plus one creep), Lucy Heartfilia finally sobers up enough to faint and magically appear in a blindingly white hospital room with a million of wires and things connected to her.
The nurse coincidentally opens the door to check on her the moment she opens her eyes, and upon seeing the girl awake, the pink-haired, stern-faced lady who looks too old to be part of the labor force of Fiore immediately turning around and sweeping out of the hospital room-most likely to get the doctor, but since Lucy Heartfilia has the self-esteem of Natsu Dragion (an exact carbon copy of Natsu Dragneel, her apparent dragon mate/childhood best friend/has no chance in hell with the superior Lucy, except Dragion is a freaking pussy who can't even speak without being broken into pieces by Lucy Ashley, Lucy's clone-created by the Anima branch of Edolas, some fancy science company that's technically illegal under the government of Fiore, but then again, her father's gambling habit had never really managed to distinguish laws from suggestions), she assumes that the woman left because Lucy's face is too ugly for her to handle.
Lucy stares up at the ceiling, tears threatening to escape from her eyes (threaten them back, Lucy #selfdefense) at the thought of not even someone who's literally paid to be nice being able to stand her presence. Even when the door swings open and the nurse enters, followed by a man with shaggy black hair and clad in, of all things, a white bed sheet wrapped around a black trench coat.
The fashion faux pas immediately scares all the tears away from her eyes, and she can only gape at him as he further enters the room, a calm, nonchalant expression on his face, as if it's perfectly normal for someone to be wearing a bed sheet.
However, when he comes within a foot of her prostrate form on the bed, he freezes, eyes widening and hands raising. Waving them wildly, he gasps, "No...don't-don't come any closer to me!"
Lucy raises an eyebrow. Wow, horrible fashion sense and crazy? "What?"
"I'll kill you if you do!" The doctor turns tail and flees the room, brushing past the pink-haired nurse who merely sighs and slowly bends down to pick up the slip of paper that had fallen onto the ground, smoothing it out and approaching Lucy as if nothing out of the ordinary just happened.
"It looks like you've got multiple cuts, abrasions, and bruises all across your body, though mainly across your back and legs. We've done an operation on you without the consent of either you or your father, so we've taken out all of the glass shards that somehow managed to embed themselves within your bones and sew everything back up. So basically, right now you have the body and constitution of a patchwork doll created by a five-year-old klutz, and you'll probably die in a few months due to the fatal damage caused to your organs. So just sign here and here, and we can release you in the next hour or so."
Lucy, being the rational, intelligent protagonist she is, nods and signs the nurse's paper. A moment later, she steps out of the bed, all fine and dandy, and leaves the hospital, somehow wearing different clothes, even though she didn't make a stop to change or even have different clothes on her in the first place.
She steps out of the hospital and a horde of guys immediately bombards her. She stares wide-eyed at the mess of tears and snot and unnatural, vibrant hair colors, as they all scream out variations of her name and tell her how "worried" about her they were.
"LUCE! MY MATE! I ALMOST DIED WHEN YOU WERE IN THAT HOSPITAL!" (And not when she was being pierced by a million shards because...reasons?)
"MY LOVE! MY BRIGHTEST STAR TWINKLING IN THE BLACK VELVET SKY! OH, DON'T EVER WORRY ME AGAIN THAT WAY, MY ONE TRUE LOVE! I WILL DRAW UP A STRAWBERRY AND VANILLA-SCENTED BATH RIGHT AWAY, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT THE AROMA OF FRUIT AND SCALDING WATER CAN CURE EVERYTHING!" (You do realize that an affair between an employer and employee is highly discouraged, right, Loke?)
"LUCY! MY MATE! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING WITH THAT IDIOTIC BROTHER OF MINE? HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME, YOUR MATE? I'M GOING TO KEEP WHINING ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T LOVE ME OR STAY FAITHFUL TO ME, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I STRIP ON AN HOURLY OCCASION AND FLIRT WITH ANYTHING WEARING A SKIRT!" (To his credit, I would say the latter point would apply more to Loke than to Gray...)
"BUNNY GIRL! WE STILL HAVEN'T HAD THAT SHOWER SEX AND YOU'RE ALREADY DYING FOR ME! HOW DARE YOU! And how cute. BUT HOW DARE YOU?" (When you think that a girl went to the hospital for you...that's when you know that you've got an appointment with Dr. Phil 'bout that ego check.)
"LUCY, THE WEDDING IS ALREADY OVER! SINCE WE MANAGED TO SOMEHOW MISS IT BECAUSE YOU WERE STUCK IN THE HOSPITAL FOR FATAL WOUNDS TO YOUR ARTERIES AND OTHER VITAL BODY PARTS, SOMEONE ELSE TOOK OUR SPOT AND ELVIS! NO ONE DARES STEALS ELVIS FROM ME!" (You might as well have married Elvis then, Lyon. You could take some pointers from that hair, too.)
The screams of thousands of other boys all mingle together, but the aforementioned five somehow manage to be loud enough to reach dear Lucy-sama's ears.
Her heart palpitates, and she finds herself touched at the romantic insinuations of such a scene. How sweet of them...
"HEY, LUCE, I KINDA RAN OUT OF MONEY, AND HAPPY AND I ARE STARVING! THINK YOU CAN SPOT US SOME THOUSAND JEWELS?"
Oh, yes. How very sweet of them.
Released from the hospital, Lucy winds up back at the enormous "foreclosure" mansion that has only been mentioned in one scene (excluding this one) thus far, despite the fact that she literally lives in it, although not anymore, so that begs the question: how in the world was she able to get her hair smelling that good?
Most boys describe the aftereffects of her walking past them with blonde waves floating in the nonexistent breeze like supermodels in hair commercials as "intoxicatingly strawberry" or "addictingly vanilla" or (my personal favorite) "in your face strawberry, vanilla, and everything in between." (Real talk though, that last one sounds absolutely disgusting.)
Well, guess what the secret is?
Lucy smirks smugly at the reflection in her mirror, once again forgetting that she had been bawling her eyes out over how ugly and utterly worthless she is just that morning.
"My love, my brightest star twinkling in the black velvet sky! I have brought the smelling salts!"
Certainly not when Loke is washing her!
I guess you could call that last bit a little omake? I don't know, but I liked it. Honestly, I'm getting kind of pissed with the amount of fanfics I've read that describe Lucy's scent as "strawberry and vanilla," or just one of those.
Honestly, what do you think that girl does? Bathe in crushed strawberries and vanilla extract? Why not just add the fermented grapes and grated cheese? She can be a gourmet dessert for all I care.
Anyways, this was a short update, sorry! I didn't have much inspiration to finish until today, and honestly, I'm starting to run out of ideas. I guess I moved this story a little too fast, but if there's anything you'd like to add to this story, don't hesitate to comment it or PM me! I kinda want a more interactive story for this one, right?
Yeah. Peace, see ya next time, hope you liked it!
Never (LivingDaLife)
PS Guess who the doctor was! *wink*