Author's Note:

Okay guys, this chapter is a bit like a fever dream. It's going to be a bit confusing but I hope it works. First time I've tried something like this so I hope you all can still enjoy it. I had a lot of fun messing with the order of things :D

Cas had been sitting at Dean's bedside, holding his hand and not moving for a few hours. The others, Bobby, Sam, Charlie, Desirae, Michael and Garth had peeked in each taking their own amount of time to look at Dean's unconscious body. Bobby and Sam stayed the longest; Sam took his brother's other hand for a little while but ultimately moved back to Jet's room. Cas assumed it was to tell Jet how Dean was doing, though he knew that Jet was sleeping too.

Bobby took the other chair once Sam left and waited with Cas, nothing needed to be said but Cas was glad that Bobby was there all the same.

It wasn't for at least half an hour of them being alone that Bobby said anything, "You should sleep, Cas."

Cas just laughed at the notion, "I wish it was that easy."

"You're with him now, just sleep."

It sounded like a good idea, Cas hadn't tried to sleep in several hours and his eyes were getting pretty tired. He could only stare at Dean unmoving for so long before it started to weigh down on him. So he moved his chair forward and leaned forward onto the hospital bed, he didn't want to put any pressure on Dean otherwise he would've crawled in with him.

Cas held tightly to Dean's hand and waited, his eyes closed and his ears picking up every noise that Dean could possibly make. It was mostly the respirator that made noise, but Cas could tell Dean's breathing did sound a little stronger than it was when he'd had first walked in. He smiled; slightly reassured he thought it safe to nod off for a little while.

Relaxed for the first time that day, he felt a small bit of pressure in his head. It was subtle but he thought nothing of it, possibly a headache or something like that. But it pulsed again, a deeper pressure under his skull and fluctuating in a pattern. Cas groaned and sat upright again, tearing away from sleep just as it had settled.

"Cas?" Bobby's voice melted in his ears and Cas lost track of what sound was coming from where. His head was hurting and his heart rate increased dramatically, the heavy pounding in his chest was the only thing he could hear at all.

Castiel cried out, his voice drowned and was entirely lost to him. "DEAN!" He screamed, he knew he screamed but he couldn't hear it.

Hands were on him and his vision went white. There were so many hands on him, gloved and strong, white coats and bright lights. He struggled and tried to smack them aside with his wings, but they weren't there.

Cas couldn't breathe right, his head was dizzy and everything was aching. He was scared. Terrified about what was happening and what he was seeing. He could hear MacLeod's voice, there were many sentences piling on top of the next and it became as loud as a roaring crowd. Castiel screamed again, "Michael! Michael help me!" He remembered crying out for his big brother the first time and nothing had happened. But he was there now, Michael was in the same building as him and maybe he'd hear it this time.

His arms hurt; he struggled against restraints and heard the very real sound of a medical saw. His heart nearly stopped as the saw came closer; it buzzed loudly and echoed until he couldn't hear anything again.

His body felt weird, a nauseous and alert mind mixed with a sluggish body that barely reacted. Lethargic and terrified he couldn't do anything at all. It was like sleep paralysis but nothing he was seeing made sense, he was sure it was all past events. All he knew was that the world was spinning and he wanted to throw up. He could feel the changes, his mind shifted and twisted and terror filled every crevice.

"Castiel's coming a long way, he's responding very well to the tests and it looks like he's the most receptive host we've found."

"Good, get him ready for some more intensive procedures then."

"He should take some time to recover before we-"

"Just do what I say, I don't pay you to question me."

Cas tried to focus on the people speaking, he knew one of them was MacLeod; the other didn't ring any bells. He couldn't see, it was dark and his head wasn't listening to the commands of his brain.

Tears streamed down his face as his head felt like it was splitting down the middle and fracturing at every possible point. He screamed again, the sound pierced his own ears and he felt even more disoriented than before.

"DEAN!" He cried violently, feeling like he'd torn something in his throat as he repeatedly shrieked the same things. "HELP ME!"

Cas lurched forward as his back started to ache, a burning, searing feeling split his skin and all he could do was grit his teeth. His wings were there; they were unbalanced and wretched and burned him where they connected. He grabbed onto one and pulled, he had to get it off, he needed to stop the pain it was causing.

His arms were pinned again and he couldn't move, rolling around in the dirt floor of a cage. No one was there, no one to speak to him. The world flashed by fast, he could see little things here and there as his back started to heal. But his head never lost any pressure, he could taste blood and felt something tickle his ears and under his nose.

"Castiel! It's great to see you, here to do my yard work again?"

"Yessir." He said in a voice he barely remembered, but somehow he still remembered it. Standing on top of a strange building he found himself staring down at the ground below. Where was he? MacLeod's townhouse? Cas' heart stuttered and he tried to run but his legs wouldn't move.

"Just clean those gutters first, then you can come down."

"But… I'd feel a lot better if you put the ladder back up, Mr. MacLeod." His stomach turned and he wanted to throw up. The world around him was empty despite hearing words spoken; where there should've been people he saw clothing floating in their place sometimes and others nothing at all. There were ghostly figures, transparent waves in the air that moved but he couldn't make out who was who.

"I want to go home." He said firmly though scared, and all he heard laughter.

"Let me go home, please." More timidly he spoke and the laughter got louder. Everything went dark.

"Let me go! Please let me go! I won't say anything I promise!" He cried, tears falling from his eyes suddenly as scenes swept past him swifter than he could fully comprehend. As he tried to figure one out another two came and went without his recognition. His head hurt more than ever and he was sick to his stomach.

Hunger came over him, he was starving and lonely. He couldn't speak, his whole body hurt and he cried again.

In the same moment that he knew everything about himself, he also knew nothing about himself. He remembered knowing who he was and he remembered not knowing. He could see himself crawling out of his burrow, he could see Dean.

"DEAN!"

Nothing was the response and the world flashed blue, he couldn't see.

"It's okay, I'm here to get you out."

Dean. Dean was there. Cas looked up but saw an empty cage, a hazy blur where Dean should've been standing. He didn't know if he'd stopped crying and hadn't noticed, or if it just continued like a waterfall from his face. Regardless he cried harder, pressure growing in his sinuses and behind his eyes. Dean wasn't there.

"Hi there, what's your name?"

"Well I'm Dean… Castiel?"

Dean's words started to pile up and were swiftly drowned out like al the other things. Nothing but loud noises filled his ears then and Cas found himself unable to move. He could see the world moving around him, he could tell that things were changing as if it were all in fast motion but he wasn't changing at all. He was stuck, stagnant and everything moved on in the world without him.

"Cas! Did you do your homework?"

"Castiel Novak you get your butt in here this instant!"

"Yo Cas! How's it going man?"

"You wouldn't believe who's number I just got!"

He listened to the voices of people he knew, people he cared for at one point in time and people that cared about him. Only a select few had seen him again after he disappeared. Other voices were mixed in that he barely knew, voices that were almost lost in white noise.

"It's 2am, brush your damn teeth and go to bed already!"

"Castiel's DNA holds up well, I think it's alright to push forward with the next experiment."

"Cas, it's okay."

"Dee…"

"Cas? Cas, is that you?"

"Oh my god…. Castiel?"

"Different doesn't mean bad, Cas. Everything that happens to you is just a new situation you'll eventually learn to live with regardless."

Cas felt every part of his body move without his permission, he was taken to different rooms and played like a puppet in different situations. His eyes hurt from crying and his lungs ached from trying to breathe. His voice was lost to him after screaming too loud and too long. No one answered him; he just heard their voices in other parts of his life.

Was he in a nightmare? He had enough peace of mind to ask himself as he felt a low rumble beneath him. The world was crashing, slamming into itself and imploding and he got the chance to try and understand what was happening to him.

Part of him knew, deep down he knew what it was because he remembered. He could see Dean surrounded by nothing, they were lying together and talking.

He was swept away again, a loud beeping sound like a hospital machine echoed in his ears like a gong. He flinched every time it sounded, bashing his eardrums over and over again. Every sound was crisp, clear, and painful. His ears were never meant to hear this way, they were sore and he had a headache.

He wanted to say he had a headache but nothing came out, at least no words did. A whine escaped him and a few chittering noises he knew were supposed to form a sentence.

For the first time he saw his own reflection, it was warped in some kind of steel bowl left next to the operating table. Blood smeared parts of the surface and left his face reddened. Cas slowly blinked, time finally slowed and he stared at his own face for an eternity.

"Is that me?" he asked himself but it didn't come out in words. Nothing he said anymore did. "What am I? What happened?"

The face stared back and blinked out of sync with him, then it hissed and he realized he was upright in a completely different room. That thing crawling on the floor looked like him, mostly. Its body was weak and it looked sick, eyes sunken and lips cracked.

Was that what he looked like too?

Its face changed slightly, body shifting under the skin as it circled him. He screeched back at it, watching it change over and over again. It had claws then it had wings, multiple arms or legs, double heads, two mouths. It mutated right in front of him and each time it shifted there was a flash of blood in the room and his mouth tasted more and more like copper. Soon he found himself hacking and spitting up nothing but red.

Castiel punched the glass in the testing room and watched it crack, he could see the twisted snarl on his own face and he could hear MacLeod talking. Always talking. Something stupid, mundane, annoying and despicable. It dried out his mouth again.

He was thirsty, lying and staring at the glass case surrounding his enclosure. It was flying by again, lights flickering on and off and silhouettes of bodies passing by like vapour.

"It's okay, Cas."

"I'm sorry, Cas."

"You okay, Cas?"

"What's wrong?"

"What happened?"

"Where are you?"

"Is it okay? Why are you sorry? I don't know. Nothing. Everything. I don't know." He heard each question in such a rapid succession they blurred together and so did his answers. He waited in silence, the lights left on and nothing moved around him. He couldn't hear anything at all, like a vacuum surrounded his head.

"I love you, Cas."

"I love you too, Dean."

Cas whispered to himself over and over, nothing that made any sense anymore but it gave him some comfort. Just little noises to remind himself that he was there, that he was alive.

Everything hurt again, in waves it came and went like memories passing by and colliding in a traffic jam. He got stuck on a few but suddenly broke free to crash into the next. He was lost in his own life, watching it fly past him and fall into place on its own.

The whirlwind of thoughts slowed down and he found himself drifting along between scenes in his life. He watched his parents argue and took Michael's hand to allow himself to be saved, pulled into a new life. Charlie was there with him, worried but smiling. He held onto her too but both of them were torn away from him. He was dragged down and hit a cold, metal floor in a familiar corridor.

"Watch the hostility, the caged person is still with him and doesn't like it when you're rough with Dean."

"You brought the possible killing machine with you, why am I not surprised."

Cas moaned quietly and held onto his head, each little sound fading as soon as he heard it like a strange echo. His headache wasn't trying to tear his brain in half anymore but it was still pounding heavily enough for him to want the rest of the world to shut up.

"He's cute, kinda reminds me of a 2-year-old."

"Jet, he's not a kid he's a grown man. Don't infantilize him."

"Well he's either acting like a kid or a dog, take your pick."

Sam and Jet… those two were always arguing. Cas smiled to himself, at least they were together, they were okay.

"It's safe, Cas."

Dean had told him that the first time he climbed out of the basement. It was the first time he'd seen sunlight in the hallway or a rug in ages. He was so out of it he didn't recognize anything, he couldn't make the connection but now he could see it for what it was. He could see himself stumbling around in confusion with no way to find his understanding. It had been scary but he didn't fully understand just how scary it was. How could he? He couldn't see the whole picture, but people around him did.

Dean had been there every step of the way. Dean helped him when he scared himself with items he didn't understand. Dean fed him when he was hungry and gave him water when he was thirsty. Dean saved him from that cage and became so much more to him than Cas ever imagined. Dean was his boyfriend and the love of his life, as far as Cas was concerned. He'd never go anywhere without Dean Winchester again.

Sam's introduction wasn't nearly as smooth, but Cas had warmed up to him because Sam was one of the sweetest people he'd ever met. Constantly looking out for what was best, not just in the moment but also in the long run. He saw Cas as a human struggling with his humanity and tried to help. Sam was his brother and a friend, they were family now and Cas loved that connection.

Jet was an antihero most of the time, either lying or stating the bluntest truth he could think of. He grew on Cas well enough; he had a certain level of respect Cas hadn't expected from him. Jet was protective of the Winchesters and Cas could definitely get behind that. If it weren't for Jet working with MacLeod too Cas never would have met them, he wouldn't have survived at all.

Charlie had been his best friend throughout his school life and he was hers. She gave up everything she had when he lost his, she was at his side in spirit the whole time and he'd never give her up for anything. She tried the hardest to find him, gave it all of her energy and more even after she'd found him. Because Charlie was there to rescue Castiel and she knew the job wasn't finished yet. He missed her, she was right in front of him and he would still miss her because he wouldn't remember.

Michael was his big brother, Cas owed him a lot but he'd been too scared to remember that either. He didn't want to connect to Michael because there was too much history to drag up. Cas could see him now and his chest ached. Disappearing the way he did must have been painful, especially for someone who poured all their effort into him. Michael was a silent visitor while Cas was disconnected and now Castiel could see the kind of agony it must have been. He needed to apologize.

He respected Bobby, their first meeting wasn't anything particularly special but he could tell the bond Bobby had with Dean. It was something he wanted too, and in truth he would've loved to have Bobby as a father figure. It was still possible, if he could just gather himself back together.

Cas lifted his head again; Dean and the others were waiting for him. He felt heavier than he was before, he felt the weight of what had happened and knew he'd have to deal with the shadows it had made in his head. Nothing would be easy, nothing ever was. But if he had his family with him then he knew he'd be able to do something semi-normal with his life.

Castiel gathered himself, all the tangled pieces and climbed to his feet. Each part of the puppet seemed completely twisted up, all the strings hanging together at once. But as he rose they slipped free and fell to their functional position. Castiel was his own puppeteer; he had all his segments together and ready to move.

Author's Note2:

So now that you've read the chapter I need some input. I'm looking into ending this thing and I think that chapter 76 will be the last of the 'climax' chapters. After that it'll do the descent back down the story slope and I'll give them the 'happily ever after' ending they deserve. What I'm saying is I need a serious critique, I think. If there are things that aren't cleared up yet that you guys think I missed or if you see a definitive second climactic arc (that beats crazy clones, Jet losing an arm, poisoned Dean, and Cas putting himself back together) please let me know. Don't be shy, I would really welcome some feedback on this.

Thanks guys!