Author's Note:
Alright so I waited and gathered feedback from all over and put it together in a post on my zafiction tumblr account. If you guys feel like checking out what I have planned for the ending and leftover loose threads you can check it out there :D
As for this chapter, I hope you enjoy it!
Charlie and Michael had decided to take a little walk out of the hospital. It was late, they'd gotten all kinds of excitement and they were both exhausted. Yet neither could find it in them to complain, after all they weren't the ones sitting in those hospital beds. She glanced over Michael, his eyes were dim in the lamp light above them.
"It's crazy," she said to break the silence that had surrounded them for over an hour. "I never thought this is where I'd be after I found Cas."
"I didn't think anyone would find him," Michael tilted his head and looked at the sky above them, "Cas was such a free spirit, you know?"
"He still is."
"I know… what I mean is I always thought so." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, tucking longer strands behind his ears. He needed a haircut but no one but Charlie would really know that. "I knew pretty early that our parents were shitty. I just lived with it, planned to take off when I was old enough. Time has a way of wearing you out though."
Charlie just looked at Michael and offered him a reassuring smile, she had known Cas for a long time and Michael was always sort of there. However she hadn't spent time with him, their interactions were usually about Cas. It got to be a little more frequent after Cas disappeared, she asked Michael a lot of questions and wound up going to him whenever she had a lead at the start of it all. She wasn't even sure what her relationship with Michael really was.
"It was hammered home that Castiel was important, my parents' last hope to do parenting right and shit like that. I was told to give him everything I could spare and I did it, not because they told me to but because I wanted to. I guess maybe they did get to me." Michael sat down on a street-side bench and dropped back against it. "I used to picture Cas as an angel in disguise, like he was watching humanity, keeping an eye on us. It helped me make it through taking him away from our family and raising him on my own. And when he disappeared I wanted to believe he just went home."
"The truth wasn't nearly as sweet as that," she sat down too and looked up at the stars with him. "But Cas is home now, even if he's not in one piece he's still alright."
"Yeah," Michael smiled tiredly and lowered his head into his hands, "I just wish I could've done something for him."
"Maybe the angel in him went home." Charlie wanted to make him feel better but she knew the pain he was in. "But you know something? He doesn't remember me either."
"No, but he doesn't actively avoid you." Michael glanced at her, "I know what you're trying to say; 'I should just make new memories with him. It's not all over, he's still here so there's still time.' But I don't think it's possible for me…"
"What are you saying, you're just gonna leave him?"
"Of course not," he laughed bitterly, "I'd never leave him, but the memories we'd make won't be the same. He's my brother, our connection isn't something I can create from thin air."
Charlie didn't really have a response for that. She knew that Michael had sacrificed a lot for Cas and of course Castiel used to know that too. It played out in their relationship in a sort of gratitude that she didn't think could be recreated. Not in the same way. "I know what you're saying, but you didn't do those things for him because you wanted him to be grateful to you."
"No," he shook his head, "I'd do it all again if I had it in me, even if he never saw me do it. But it hurts." Tears slipped from his eyes, she saw he was hanging onto his phone. It had become a habit of his, whenever he was sad he'd sit with his phone and listen to Cas' old videos. The voicemail recording was long gone, but it didn't stop Michael from finding solace in just holding the cell. "It hurts to know he'll never remember. That doesn't mean I don't love him and it doesn't mean I'll ever give up on him, but I can't just pretend I'm totally fine all the time. I will when he sees me because it hurts him to see me like this, but that's all the energy I can manage right now."
Charlie nodded and took a slow breath, exhaling lightly and watching bugs flutter around the street light. "I was there too." She admitted quietly after a long silence. "I couldn't believe that Cas was so different, and more than that I couldn't believe he didn't remember me. When I saw him he wasn't talking much, he could say a few words but that was it."
"So different from when he used to just sit and sing," Michael laughed a little, a lighter tone to it. "Drove me nuts sometimes."
"He wouldn't shut up," Charlie snickered too, "I remember he'd hum to calm his nerves during exams, a lot of people hated that."
They both laughed about a few Cas traits they remembered and drifted back into silence.
"Think he'll sing again?" Michael asked as he furrowed his brow, Charlie couldn't imagine all the things he was thinking about in that one moment.
"Maybe, he seems to love music still so I can imagine it'll hit him again like a brick."
Their moment was interrupted when Charlie's phone rang. "It's Sam… Hello?"
"Charlie, where are you? Cas is freaking out, I could really use some help here."
She felt her stomach drop as she stood up, "You serious? What kind of freaking out?" she motioned to Michael to follow as she started running back down the block they'd wandered around. "I'm just outside, I'll be in there soon."
"He just started screaming for help and now it's all gibberish. The staff's trying to restrain him and give him a sedative but we can't get him down."
"We're coming," she put the phone away and booked it as fast as she could go, Michael was right on her heels.
It was the twilight hours, just past 2 and the streets were quiet. That was how most places at that time were but not the hospital. When they got inside she could hear him, Castiel wasn't holding back and the sound pierced her ears like nothing she'd ever encountered. He was frantic, she could hear it in his tone despite the pitch.
"What happened to him?" Michael asked as they ran into the room Dean was kept in. Castiel had gone from Dean's bedside to across the room, things were a mess and Dean's bed was skewed to the side. His body was untouched though, just as he'd been last time anyone saw him.
"He fell asleep and started screaming," Bobby explained as calmly as he could, trying to hold down just one of Cas' wings. It was flailing in intervals and each time it moved so did Bobby, he seemed more a decoration than an actual anchor.
Charlie slipped into the fray of limbs and got behind Castiel, she wrapped her legs around his abdomen and caught his arms and head in a hold she'd learned. Cas was incredibly strong, every move was a deadly one when he didn't have control over his limbs. She couldn't even look up to see how many people had been knocked out, Sam was on Cas' other wing and there were many other people in the room. Luckily Dean was the only patient.
At first she thought Cas was still asleep but she wasn't sure when she saw his eyes open and drowned the room in blue light. He shrieked again and suddenly all she could hear was an insane ringing and given an instant headache.
"Michael! Michael help me!" It was sharp and terrified but clear enough, Cas was repeating things and it was heartbreaking to listen to. Charlie would've preferred hearing him just make noises.
Michael reached out and tried to help and hold Cas' arm, "I'm here," he sounded just as broken as Cas did. "I'm right here Cas,"
"DEAN! HELP ME!"
It hurt to hear him scream that way, more than just the ears or the headache but deep in her chest. Charlie grit her teeth and held on, trying to stop Castiel from being able to move at all. She was impeding his ability but it wasn't doing enough, he still shrieked and thrashed around, nearly breaking free with every sudden jerking motion. He grabbed onto a wing and violently tried to tear it off, Sam was thrown into the wall and Michael jumped onto Cas' arm to try and stop it. Charlie got a better hold to help, it was enough to pull his arm into an awkward enough position that grabbing a wing was impossible.
"You okay, Sam?" Bobby called worried and Sam groaned in response.
"Yeah, I'm good." He jumped back onto Cas' wing and tried to find a way to pin it down better. They really were at Cas' mercy though.
"Yessir."
Cas' voice was suddenly calm and strange despite his frantic and desperate body movement. His expression was still twisted in pain and eyes wide in horror, but he was speaking normally as if he were somewhere completely different. Charlie felt a chill run down her spine but she didn't dare let go.
"But… I'd feel a lot better if you put the ladder back up, Mr. MacLeod."
"Cas?" Michael asked timidly and looked at his brother's face. Charlie could see Michael's expression was a mix of concern and fear. None of them knew what to do or say, Cas was still struggling against them though a lot more calmly now. She could see it like an eye of the storm and braced herself.
"I want to go home." Stern but calm, his tone seemed to seep into his limbs and he held still for a few seconds. The staff that was holding down his legs sighed in relief, Garth was helping them but he didn't fall for it. His eyes were on Charlie and she was sure her expression gave away her thoughts.
"Let me go home, please." He was softer now, his body trembling and tears forming in his eyes again.
"Let me go! Please let me go! I won't say anything I promise!" Cas started to thrash again, short and sudden moves as if something else had him strapped down. Charlie took a shaky breath and looked up at the others, they all had the same understanding that it wasn't over just yet.
Cas shook his head and tried to ram it backward, hitting Charlie in the stomach. She held her ground, silently glad that he couldn't smash his head against the floor. He floundered and tried a few more times, it hurt like a bitch but Charlie didn't let go, she just cradled his head and waited it out.
"DEAN!"
There was an increase in the background beeping noises of Dean's machine and breathy groan. "Cas?"
Sam looked up, "Dean?"
Cas cried out and his tears fell faster, painful sobs wracking his chest, "Dee…" he choked out and struggled to inhale.
Charlie wasn't expecting Dean to walk over, dragging the respirator and all the other attachments with him. His breathing was strained and ragged but he was there, kneeling next to Cas and touching a dampened cheek.
"It's okay, Cas." Dean wheezed, tears of his own falling. "It's okay, I'm right here."
"Dean, you shouldn't be this close," Sam warned, fear in his voice as he watched his very weak brother linger next to someone so unpredictable.
Cas whined and made similar noises he had when he wasn't speaking, he rubbed his cheek against Dean's hand and rested it there. His body went limp then, just a quickened heart and breathing rate.
"Dean," Sam sighed and cautiously moved away from Cas' wing, "How are you feeling?"
"I've been better," Dean answered tiredly, slowly settling on the floor next to Castiel.
Charlie slowly let go and slipped out from under Cas; she went to help Bobby up next. "That was a heck of a ride."
"I think he's done now," Bobby grumbled as he climbed back to his feet.
"So… mind telling me why we're holding him down like that? He could've broken something," Michael asked as he carefully let go of Cas' arm.
"Well normally you'd be right," Sam was the first to answer, "except Cas was trying to hurt himself, I'm sure you noticed him trying to tear off his own wing."
"Oh… yeah…"
Dean glanced at them, he was taking in what they were saying and watching Cas' far more subtle expressions pass by. "It's okay," he repeated and brushed his fingers through Cas' hair, "You'll be okay."
"You sound like you know what's going on." Sam had moved to Dean's side, his worrying over his brother hadn't stopped but he was able to function with it.
"I do," Dean wasn't speaking as strongly as he normally did, it was so weird to hear him that way. "Part of Cas remembered everything,"
"You should be in bed," one of the nurses said gently.
"I'm not leaving Cas on the floor."
"We'll put him in one next to you, just lie down."
Charlie moved to help Dean stand up again, the others lifted Castiel. It only took a few moments to get the two settled next to each other, Charlie felt a pang in her chest just looking at them.
"Cas separated the part of him that remembered, I told him to connect them next time he went to sleep." Dean explained, taking every few words to breathe. It was really hard to listen to, Charlie almost wanted to walk out.
"So that's what he's doing?" Sam looked at Cas, "Does that mean he'll remember everything?"
"Everything," Dean sighed and closed his eyes, his hand reached over to the other mattress to hold Cas' hand. "Trauma and all."
Charlie looked over at Michael who she knew held the same look she had, hesitant hope that they'd get to regain an old connection to Castiel. It was great news, but it was just as bad as it was good. She wasn't sure she was willing to gain Cas remembering her if it meant he had to destroy himself. "What shape will he be in?" She heard herself asking before she could wrangle her thoughts into one place.
"No idea." Dean shrugged, the movement interrupted by Sam hugging him. Dean coughed a little but raised his other arm and dropped it onto Sam as best he could. "Sammy, I'm alright."
"I thought you were gonna die," Sam muttered, Charlie barely heard it. She nudged Michael and Garth and motioned toward the door. Cas wasn't going to wake up for a while and it looked like the Winchesters needed some privacy.