After a couple of hours we were called into the Doctors office. Charlie held my arm as we walked into the office. I sat down in one of the chairs and he stood behind me. The Doctor walked in and his expression made me want to throw up.
I felt like I was falling down the all too familiar pit of my nightmares when he started to tell us that they tried to save Emmie but they couldn't bring her back. He kept apologizing and I wanted to scream at him to shut up. The hole in my heart became a huge cavern and what was left shattered completely. My perfect beautiful baby was gone. I would never get to hold her again. I wouldn't see her grow up.
I started to stand up but I couldn't feel my legs. Charlie caught me before I could fall and hurt myself. I felt familiar warm arms hold me and then I started sobbing her name over and over. The arms held me tighter trying to quiet me but it only made me panic more. Gut wrenching sobs shook my body and I started to hyperventilate. I felt a pinch in my arm and then my body began to relax, my brain started to cloud over and my sobs became whimpers. The last thing I remembered was calling out Jacob's name and then everything was black.
When I woke up I found myself back at home laying in bed. Jacob snored beside me. I started to feel the panic rising inside my chest. I quietly slipped out of bed and left the bedroom. I stood staring at Emmie's closed door trying to calm myself. I prayed that it had all been a nightmare. I opened her door and walked inside. Her crib was empty and it all crashed down on me again. I couldn't control the guttural sobs that tore from my body as I slid to the floor beside her crib. I rocked back and forth holding my chest.
Jacob sat down beside me and pulled me to him. I felt his chest constricting as he cried with me. We sat on the floor crying together for a while before he picked me up and carried me back to our bedroom. He laid me on my side of the bed and started to walk to his side but I grabbed his arm and pulled him down beside me. I reached up and softly kissed his lips. My hands explored his bare chest.
"Bella, I don't think we…"
"Please, Jake, I need you."
"Bella…"
"Jake… Please…"
Jacob pulled me closer and tenderly kissed my lips. All the tenderness that had been missing from our love making over the past several months was in his every touch now. His hands softly caressed every inch of my body as he moved inside me. I didn't hold back as I gave every bit of myself to him as we made love. It was the way it should have always been. We reached our peaks together and held each other as we came back to earth. It didn't take long for my brain to come back to reality.
I couldn't stop my body from shaking and I felt myself about to lose the little bit of sanity I was clinging to. Jacob seemed to have anticipated this. He opened his hand and tipped two little white pills into my hand. Then reached over to my bedside table and got the glass of water that was sitting there. I looked into his eyes. He nodded encouragingly and I swallowed the pills while chugging half the glass of water.
He took the glass from me and put it back on my table. He pulled me back against his chest and held me until my body relaxed and the blackness started to envelope me.
"Thank you, Jake." I murmured.
"I will always love you Bella. Always."
When I woke again Jacob was gone. I walked emotionlessly through the house. I found a note on the table from Jacob.
"Bella, Victoria and her friend tried to come on to the reservation last night. Embry and Sam killed her friend but she got away again. Sam called us all out to patrol. Charlie and Billy are making the arrangements for Emma. I will be back as soon as I can. -Jake."
I walked away from the table. I stood staring at my computer for a moment before I decided to turn it on. I opened my email and started a message to Alice. I didn't know how to say what I felt. I couldn't possibly put it into words. I felt nothing and everything at the same time.
I decided to just list the facts. My daughter was dead. My marriage was irretrievably broken and it was all my fault. I had broken Jacob like Edward had broken me. Now, there was nothing left for Jacob and I to try to hold on to that could save our marriage. She was gone. I hit send and shut off the computer.
I walked back to the bedroom and stood there feeling more alone than I ever felt in my life. I could feel myself shutting down like I did after Edward left. I didn't notice when the sky darkened and night arrived. I was still standing in the same spot staring at the wall when Jacob came home. I didn't notice when he gently guided me to the bed and laid me down. I didn't notice when Charlie and Renee arrived and tried to talk to me. Charlie had seen this before. Only this time it was much worse. The first time he had seen this I would at least eat and sleep on my own. This time I couldn't be coaxed to eat. I didn't sleep unless Jacob gave me one of the pills.
The day of Emmie's funeral I let Jacob lead me into the church. I sat where he guided me and just stared at the tiny little casket that was sitting a few feet from us. I felt Jacob's hands shaking and his chest constricting. I looked up at him and saw the devastation. I fought through my fog to comfort him. He had lost her too. I held him up and let him cry on my shoulder. I held his hand firmly in mine as we walked up to the casket and said goodbye to our precious daughter. I didn't let myself feel my own pain. I needed to be strong for Jacob and he needed me to be strong for him.
The funeral ended and we went back to our empty house. I had exhausted myself emotionally being strong for Jacob. I couldn't hold up the wall that hid my pain anymore. I had nothing left to give him or anyone. I crawled into bed and took three of the little pills. When the darkness quickly descended I embraced it.