When I woke up in that morning, the first thing I saw were Jeanine's closed eyes.
Looking at her sleeping face, I realized I had ever seen her so serene and peaceful. In all our personal encounters, everything I saw in her was cold and blank, as if she was a machine and not a person. On that bed, while she breathed quietly in her deep sleep, I realized how much she was human.
At the same time, I also realized that even this peace wasn't complete. Even though she was asleep, I could see stress wrinkles on her forehead. Her face, even while sleeping, was slightly troubled, as if she were in a constant nightmare.
Suddenly, the memories invaded my mind like a snowslip, and my heart began to beat faster.
I was reminded of our fight, Jeanine yelling at me, pouring all her pain and anguish at once. Maybe that had been the first time she expressed her feelings that way.
I sat on the bed, taking great care to not wake Jeanine. The sun cast its first rays on the glass ceiling under which we were, and I was able to understand why Jeanine built it. That vision was able to make anyone forget their troubles, if only for a while.
My head was still spinning owing to the intensity of the previous day's events. I still couldn't believe how everything had changed completely in such a short time. Exactly 24 hours ago, I was awake in my room, terrified and asking myself what Jeanine would do to me that day.
Now, Jeanine slept by my side. More than that, she had slept all night cradled in my arms.
My biggest enemy.
Looking at her like that, so fragile and hurt, I couldn't to repent of anything.
Slowly, her eyes began to open, and our looks finally met, blue on gray.
For a moment, Jeanine's eyes are a little confused. Soon, she seemed to remember of everything. We share a deep and sincere panicked look, until she took a deep breath and sat up in the bed.
- Good morning. - I said in a strained voice, to break the silence.
- Good morning, Beatrice. - she answered politely.
For a moment I searched something else to say, but then, she anticipated me.
- Your clothes are in the closet. I would greatly appreciate it if you changed.
- Did you wash my clothes?
- Before that, I would amputate one hand. I have a washing machine.
The comment make me smile, causing a small blush in her face. Jeanine looked away.
- The door is open for when you want to go. - she said turning around and walking to the door.
- An open door. A very nice change.
- I bet it is.
And then, a barefoot and disheveled Jeanine Matthews version walked out of the door.
My eyes followed the movement of her hips all the time.
That was the craziest thing I had ever done in my life.
I felt my head blank, as if I had awakened from a long and nice dream, and I had to get used again to reality.
I was tempted to just sit in the bed and think about everything that happened in the last 24 hours. The situation was so absurd that seemed to had been taken from one of those awful romance books.
I remember the purple color of the serum, I remember to have fought with Jeanine, screaming, with my mind confused and my emotions altered.
I remember what I felt after, what I did.
God help me, I kissed her.
All over her face, her scratches, her forehead, and her lips...
And it felt completely natural and normal.
I was screwed. Both, if our feelings were real. Although the idea that she had been lying yesterday seemed impossible. She was too proud even to feign weakness.
A sudden impulse made me get up.
As she said, my black clothes were in the closet. With discomfort, I took off my comfortable pajamas and put on my own clothes. I'd rather to continue using the white and light blue pajamas.
It smelled good and it relaxed me. It smelled like Jeanine's hair.
I looked me in the mirror, and I decided don't wear my black jacket, staying just with my black tank top. I wanted look even more Dauntless, if it was possible.
I ruffled my hair. I straightened my clothes so that my tattoos were seen. I was trying to find something of myself in the mirror.
But I just never had entirely clear who I was.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I felt I had found the missing part of me in the moment that Jeanine lay down into my arms to sleeping.
Suddenly, I felt heat. Much heat. But heat wasn't in my skin, nor in my stomach. The heat was in my chest and in my head.
I quickly left the bedroom, feeling relief that Jeanine had spoken the truth and the door was open. The corridor outside was blue, like everything that my eyes saw.
I could understand that it was her favorite color, but this was too much.
The hall had two extremes. I went for the left and opened the first door I found.
Bad choice.
It was a bathroom. And Jeanine was bathing.
I was petrified by three seconds, but I reacted in time, before she saw me. I don't know how she didn't hear the door closing frantically. Maybe it was the sound of water.
I leaned against the wall. I didn't see much, only her back arched and her soapy hair. Nothing more.
And that was enough to make me lose my mind for a moment.
She had a mole on her back and another in her neck. She also had dimples.
I walked away quickly, trying to calm my breathing.
The other hall gave access to the rest of the house. It took me to living room, and from there I went to the dining room. Jeanine's home was very impersonal. I didn't see photographs, or anything like that. Instead, I found documents and notes everywhere.
It amazed me she don't drowned in papers.
I sat on the couch, still shaking. Adrenaline still ran in my veins because of the vision I've had. I took a deep breath, trying to ward off the thoughts.
Beside me, on the couch, was a stack of papers scribbled by chemical equations that I could never understand in my life.
Just out of curiosity and with intention to distract me, I took the first paper in the stack and began to look at it, trying unsuccessfully to decipher those jumbled symbols and numbers.
Then, I heard sounds of steps toward the room and dropped the paper immediately.
Jeanine was again on the her usual version, the way I was used to seeing her. She wore professional clothing, her hair was perfectly coiffed and tied on top of her head and she wore glasses.
It caused me anguish.
This Jeanine reminded me so much my enemy, and was nothing like the woman who had slept in my arms.
She stopped in front of me and looked at me with anxiety, as if wondering silently out why I was still there.
The next words which out of my mouth were the fruit of my unbearable anxiety.
- What is it that you injected me?
For a moment, I thought I said the wrong thing. I waited the murderous fury in her eyes, but it didn't come.
Jeanine just took a deep breath and sat down beside me. Feeling her so close made me to remember her naked body under the shower, the water falling down her back, molding itself perfectly in her curves.
I didn't have a mirror in front of me, but I didn't needed a mirror to know that I was blushing. And thinking that Jeanine could see it made me blush even more. Damn.
- That, as I said yesterday, is a paralytic serum. It simulates a false death. The effect doesn't last long.
Her words, in theory, would answer perfectly my questioning. But it wasn't exactly what I wanted to know.
- Why? - I finally asked.
Jeanine looked me angry, like I was forcing her to say something she didn't want.
- I believe you already know the reason. You know why.
- Then, I will change my question. How? Since when?
- Look, Beatrice. If it makes you feel so upset, just forget. I told you that the door was open. There is nothing arresting you here.
That made me want to shake her, just like the nostalgic old times.
- You're much mistaken if you think I'm leaving without obtaining answers before.
- I don't have to give you explanations. - she replied, cold as ice.
- Anyway you must to give them in the future, right? Unless you've has won the war. And it didn't happen, because otherwise you would not be here. That lets two options: either you're about to lose, or you has lost and you're hiding.
- Very clever, Beatrice. - she said sarcastically - But I never would hide me from anyone. Neither from Tori Wu, nor from the useless and resentful Evelyn Johnson. That would be totally irresponsible.
- That means you're about to lose.
- That means I wanted to save your life. I swore to Caleb, and although your death would have been beneficial, you're here, alive and well. Therefore, the door is there.
- Caleb?
She looked at me with a tired expression. Everything about her looked exhausted this morning.
- Yes, Caleb.
My body became a statue.
Suddenly, I couldn't remember how to move.
Caleb.
My eyes filled with tears to hear his name. Tears of sorrow, revolt, and, above all, of anger.
Of all the bad things had happened to me up to now, that was definitely the worst. I would expect this from an enemy. It would be perfectly natural if came from Peter, Eric or Evelyn. But not from Caleb. Not from my own brother.
Jeanine seemed to realize my feelings as if reading my mind. And I wouldn't be surprised if she was actually doing this, if she had injected me something able to do this.
Then she said the words that poured cold water on my fury.
- Your brother ne'er betrayed you, Beatrice.
I needed longs seconds to process and understand her words. Seemed totally illogical. In what way Caleb hadn't betrayed me, if I had seen him next to Jeanine all the time, helping her while she studied me?
- What. .. What are you saying?
Jeanine smiled sadly and wrung her hands nervously.
- What you saw was a little theater. He was giving his all to make me believe in his loyalty. But I always knew the truth. And the truth is that he was always looking for a way to save you.
She stared at me, probably expecting me to say something, but I remained silent for too long.
- Until two days ago, I was one hundred percent determined to use the death serum in you. I repeated in my mind every three minutes that this needed to be done in function of a greater good.
Greater good. That was the second time I heard Jeanine using that expression. What exactly was the "greater good"? Taking into account her actions, I figured it was something really big and important.
- When I realized I couldn't do it, I despaired. By then, everyone knew the date and time of your execution, and I couldn't just go back without arousing suspicion. Caleb was the only option that remained, and I ran into him as if he was a lifeline. If he was trying to trick me all this time, so he should have a plan. And I clung to him with all my strength. We can say that Caleb was the first person in this world who saw me crying.
The tears finally fell from my eyes, rolling down my face. Jeanine looked me uncomfortable, as if she didn't know how to act in front of someone who cries.
- He told me the plan. The exchange of the serums, the sabotage of the heart monitor, everything was his idea. It's not without reason that the result of his test was Erudite.
Her words caused me pain and relief at the same time. Relief knowing that my brother had not betrayed me. Relief knowing that Caleb wasn't the person without scruples he had staged in front of me.
Pain and blame for thinking about how I had been unfair.
My brother. How could I doubt him? How could I believe so easily that he had betrayed me? Why had I not been able to imagine, once only, that everything could be a trick? What good was my intelligence if it always failed in the most important things?
I felt at that moment the worst person in the world.
- Do you know where he is now? - I asked my companion, whispering.
- The last time we spoke, your brother was reviewing serums with Cara. He sounded anxious, almost suspicious. Maybe he think I cheated him, and that I have you imprisoned. You should communicate with him later to alleviate the blame of the poor boy.
I didn't answer. Shame of doubting my brother still consumed me.
- The relationship between siblings is always strange. - Jeanine said, as if talking to herself - Very strange.
- We never have been near. Nor between us neither with anyone else.
- That is something that only happens with Erudite and Abnegation children. No other faction has so many emotional dramas. Ironic, is not it?
Suddenly, I felt something that surprised me, and I think Jeanine too. She was touching my head, my hair, in an awkward and frightened caress, as if she was afraid that I pushed her hand violently.
I didn't do it.
I looked her, in surprise. Jeanine looked at her own hand on my head like she couldn't believe what she was doing. As if her hand had own life.
Then she looked at me, and I could see my own reflection in her eyes. That was baffling for both, but the blond woman's hand remained on my hair, on my messy locks.
No one dared to look away.
The scenes of the day before returned to my mind in a flash, but I drove out them, clenching my teeth.
But unlike the day before, this time she was who leaned toward me first.
As the day before, we were very close. Too close. It was like being in a flashback, living all over again.
I felt her warm and panting breath on my face, like the day before. I felt crazy in the same way, and exactly the same way, I wanted to dive in that madness. Deeper and deeper.
And then our lips were together.
Together, mixed, pressed with ardor and despair.
I felt complete there. I felt alive as had never. I felt I could never be separate from her now. I would be where she was. There was no way back.
- What we will do now? - I asked.
- I have some ideas.
And suddenly, I was beneath her on the sofa.
I felt the fire starting in my lower belly and spreading throughout my body. The need to touch her was sweltering, so I put my hands on her face, deepening the kiss. Jeanine had sunk the both hands in my short hair, kissing me so hard that my lips felt numb. I opened my legs and circled her waist, pulling her closer to me. I don't wanted to let the slightest space.
The woman in front of me looked thirsty, as if she was drinking water in the desert. As if it was the first time she felt the sugar taste. She removed her hands from my hair to touch my ribs, my stomach and my hips. Suddenly, feel her hands through the cloth wasn't enough, and with a impatient moan, she began to take off my ...
The door opened with a bang.
- Tris, hold on! I'm going for... you ...
Caleb.
My brother had a baseball bat in his hands, and a horror look in his eyes.
In the room there was a deep silence for five seconds before Jeanine and I managed to react and separate us.
Jeanine was red as a tomato, and she had disheveled hair. If the situation were not so horrible, I would be happy to see her that way. But I just felt embarrassed and slightly frustrated.
- I told you she was fine! - Jeanine shouted, finally reacting, and it wasn't a good reaction.
Caleb didn't even seemed to have heard. He only stared into space, open-mouthed, completely silent.
The baseball bat slipped from his hand and struck the ground.
After what seemed like centuries, my brother stared at the ceiling and whispered, loud enough for us hearing.
- I'll never sleep again.