Jeanine had been kind enough to retire so I could talk to my brother. I would have preferred she not to.
My mind was torn between be happy to see my brother and be ashamed of how he found us. I tried to take a common path.
-A Bat? You came to my rescue with a bat?
-I decided to risk with the element of surprise.
Caleb leaned against the wall, arms crossed. He was calmer, but his cheeks were still hot. Mine too.
-Tris ... sorry. I know you must hate me, but sorry, I never meant to let you down.
-You did not -I Take his hand. -Caleb ... you and I have never been close. Feel connected to another person is considered selfish in Abnegation... but now we're not -I followed an impulse and stroked his hair, that was like mine. -When all this is over, we'll forget the "Faction" and will put first the blood, Caleb. I swear.
Caleb let out a few tears, I also almost let out. Then he smiled through his tears and hugged me. With great force.
-I was so distressed... -his voice was choked. -Nothing in the world hurt me more than to see the pain and disappointment in your eyes. But I needed to do it. I needed to get Jeanine trust me. There was no other way to save you.
I nodded in every sentence that he said. It hurt me to see him trying to explain.
-No Caleb, if there is anyone here who need to apologize, that person is me. I was foolish enough to believe that you had betrayed me. I was who doubted my own brother. I should have known you were there to help me.
-It's all right -he stroked my hair and, soon after, my cheeks. -The important thing is that both know the truth now. I love you, Beatrice.
And I hugged him again.
That hug made me feel safe and protected, I felt I had a family, someone who cared about me.
- I love you Caleb.
So we broke the hug, and we were suddenly more serious.
- I came as fast as I could. She promised me she would not do anything to you. Instead, she went to me desperately seeking a way to go back and not to kill you. But when I saw your body motionless at the table ... Well, I knew the paralysis of serum caused it, but my distress was stronger than me. I could not trust her.
I ran up here, imagining the atrocities she could be doing with you and ...
He was still red as tomatoes.
- I could tell you what everyone says, Caleb. The famous phrase ''I can explain it''. But I can not explain. I sought an explanation for a long time and so far I have not found one.
- When did this start? -he asked, still incredulous.
- I don't know ... I can not say exactly. In fact, it has always existed, since my... puberty. I never told anyone because they call me crazy. I don't know what to do.
- I don't think anyone knows what to do in such a situation. -Caleb smiled a little. -But I suppose we could start at the beginning: Will you try to save her?
- What do you mean?
- This war is already lost, sister. Factionless are too many. And even if not, there's still the little matter of that Jeanine chose your life, no her success. It's just a matter of time. And she knows it.
A fear ran down my back, mixed with relief. The war would end soon and things would return to normal. Soon I will see my friends and my parents. That was good news, right?
No. It meant they were going to kill Jeanine.
I make no false hope, I have spent enough time listening and talking to Evelyn Johnson and Tori. They want to kill her. They hate her too much for not to kill her.
I pictured Tori or Evelyn with a pistol. I figured the cold face of Jeanine, because I knew that she would die without a single emotion on her face, with her pride intact. I imagined the sound of a shot... My expression must have been terrifying enough for alarms my brother.
- Beatrice...
- I need to think, give me a second.
I rested my hands on the couch, where ten minutes ago I felt attain glory. The papers that were on that couch before were scattered on the ground. Jeanine or I had accidentally kicked it.
If Jeanine sensed she was going to lose, it makes no sense to be here when she could be out, trying to stop progress of Factionless. But she is here...
The revelation hit me like a bucket of cold water. She wants to spend her last moments of life with me. Here. Where we are alone and, for the moment, safe.
No. I will not let you do this.
Before thinking well what I'm doing, in three strides I opened the kitchen door. Caleb followed me, worried.
Jeanine was drinking a cup of milk, leaning on the counter. Her face twisted with concern when she saw me. Because, to be honest, I'm a monster when I don't control my anger. And control myself requires effort. Effort that now I don't bother to use.
- Why are we still here?
- Sorry?
- Outside is a third of the city that wants your head, and we're here. Why are you still here, Jeanine? Already you have no other plan? Is it over? What are we going to do now to avoid you being killed?
I said "we". I said "we", because if she thinks I'm going to be watching idly how they kill her, she is taking me for a idiot.
- Beatrice, God, calm down.
- No! I will calm down when you answer my questions! Why are you wasting your time here when destruction is out!?
- Are you telling me you want I win the war? -she looked increasingly confused.
- I don't want they kill you, dammit!- I scream with a broken and hysterical voice that seemed not mine.
Jeanine was white as her cup, between worried and surprised. I think I was trembling with anger as she looked into my eyes. I felt my fists closed so hard that my fingers ached.
Again, I imagine Jeanine dead. Her body cold and rigid, her eyes closed forever. I imagined for a second how it would live the rest of my life without hearing her voice or see her eyes. I don't want to imagine what I would become.
- Caleb, please, leave us alone for a moment -I heard her say.
I forgot about the presence of my brother behind me. I turned to see him. Caleb looked at me with open eyes, as if he was looking at a stranger. Or a nuclear bomb. That made me feel bad.
I thought my brother would protest, but he just kept looking at me and left the kitchen.
- Beatrice ... the possibility of death is in all of us, every day. More on people like me. That's something I always knew.
- No ... - I whispered, shaking my jaw so hard that my teeth would break.
Jeanine came up to me and put her hands on my shoulders.
- Decisions have already been made, plans have been drawn. We just need to accept what comes.
- STOP! - I shouted to her-. STOP SAYING THESE THINGS!
Jeanine simply hugged me, to comfort me. Just as I had done to her the day before.
- I always knew that - she said while still hugging me-. I'm alone, after all, and they are many.
Her words sounded resigned, as if she did not much care about her fate. This further increased the murderous rage I felt inside me.
- But I had to try. Even though the risks were many, I had to try. Because I could not let...- she sighed and stopped her words - ...but it does not matter. Tris, look at me.
At first, I didn't obeyed. Instead, I averted my eyes. The anger and the pain were still very strong.
- Tris? - She whispered. - Look at me, please?
Seeing her so sad, my determination could not resist. I returned my gaze to her face. Her silvery eyes were dark.
- I want you to know that I do not regret anything. I do not regret anything I have done, even though everyone, even you, hate me for it. But neither I regret not having killed you. I do not regret anything we have experienced, even for a short time. If they kill me ... it will be worth it. You were the best thing that happened in my life. Your life is more precious than mine.
I felt a warmth that ran through my body, from head to toe.
- I will not allow. Never. If they want you, then they will have to go through me, okay?
It would be a pity that we two had died, now that I have let you live.
- What a pity, you would have thought of that before.
The corner of her lip rose.
- You sound very confident.
- My mother always says that hope dies last. -I whispered in her shoulder.
- And she is a very wise woman...
- I'll tell you something ...- I took her face in my hands. -You know what else she taught me? To hate waste. And it had all been a terrible waste if you die now. -I finished with a nervous laugh.
- Then we have to think algo- and she bent to kiss me gently.
- Tris, I have to ... FUCK!
Damn Caleb and his interruptions.
I turned angrily to my brother, who was blindfolded with his hands.
- I came just to tell you I have to go. It's late, and I have to oversee the monitoring. O my leader will be angry. But lately she has better mood. I think he has a girlfriend.
- Very funny, Mr Prior. Your leader will be angrier if you do not shut up and learn the difficult art of knocking on doors before come in. - Jeanine said sarcastically.
- I retire. I'll be back tomorrow, Tris. And do not worry yet, the situation is bad, but we still have a chance to nobody will die. Except maybe my ability to sleep. My ability to sleep is dead forever -he replied in an equally sarcastic tone, without removing the hand from his eyes.
With difficulty, my brother retired. I heard the sound of the front door open and close, and Jeanine and I were alone.
It sounds like a joke, again ...
- Let's hope he does not return. - Jeanine fixed her hair. -The Building is guarded. By now, people may leave, but not enter. I sent them all to remain calm and alert. That just leaves us something to do now.
- Enlighten me.
- Have Lunch.
Jeanine turned around and opened the refrigerator.
- You are going to help me or you will be standing there? - She asked mischievously.
I kissed her cheek and cut a carrot.
I'll be grateful if you do a salad. I cook horrible.
- Really?
- Really. I never had time to learn to cook - I kissed her forehead. -Once, a while ago, I almost set fire to the building. The funny thing is I was trying to cook salad.
I start to laugh.
It was strange to laugh at that time. A moment in which everything seemed fine but was not. A time where there was a sword over our heads, and we just ignored it.
- Well ... I grew up in Abnegation. So ... I think I know make a salad. At least, I think I won't burn the building trying to do that.
Jeanine smiled, and I could not help but notice how her smile was beautiful. It was a really a pity the fact that smile on her face were so rare. She should smile more often.
- That's a relief. - Jeanine says.
We cook and ate in silence. Maybe because we were both accustomed to silence, or because anything that we said could lead to an issue that we wanted to avoid.
- Tell me one thing -I break the silence while drinking a juice drink - How is be a leader of a faction?
- Too much stress -she replied resting her chin in her hand. -Exhausting. Strange things every day. But you get used.
- Strange things like...?
- Like the inventions of newcomers. There was once an initiate who tried to make a giant typewriter. - Jeanine smiled a bit. -The machine exploded. All were covered with ink.
- Are there many such cases? -I said before drinking from my glass.
- Enough to have a good rate of accidents. They are a necessary risk. That's how Johanna Reyes got her scar.
A shiver ran down my spine. Erudite may be as dangerous as Dauntless. Jeanine asked about Dauntless, and I answered as far as possible, without going into uncomfortable issues. I hope that when this is over we can talk without so many taboos.
I told her why I was three crows tattooed on my chest, and Jeanine reached out to touch them, as she had done before. Suddenly the conversation died.
The feel of her fingers on my skin caused myself chills. I looked at her in an entirely different form of two minutes ago. Suddenly, without explanation, it bothered me the fact that she wore so many clothes. Our eyes remained fixed each other for a long time. The desire was on.
It was I who broke away and kissed her lips. My hands were buried in her head, feeling the soft texture of her blond hair. We got up from the table quickly, and then joined our bodies completely, leaving no distance between us. All that bothered now were the clothes. The bloody clothes. Jeanine began to kiss the place of my tattoo, and suddenly put her hands on my shirt. I raised my arms to facilitate her task of passing it on my shoulders.
My whole body was on fire. The desire was such that prevented me from thinking. I just had the full assurance of one thing: I wanted her. Now. Right now.
I tried searching the zipper of her dress, tired of feeling through the cloth. The Cold Kitchen gave me goosebumps, but the warmth of the woman in my arms offset that perfectly. I managed to find the zipper of her dress, and went down a stretch. I think she did not even notice. She was too busy savoring me. I find no other word to describe it. Jeanine was devouring me with her mouth, tasting the flavors of my skin, as if I were a chocolate cake Dauntless..
- What did you do with me?- she whispered in my ear, and then bit a little behind. A breathy moan escaped my mouth.
Descontrol hit me and I leaned over to bite her shoulder, where the bra strap was bothering me. Hungry, I ran my hands over her stomach and ribs, increasingly uncontrolled. It was not enough. I wanted more. I needed more.
- I do not think it bother you much whatever I have done. - I growled before bringing my lips to her neck. She moaned. It was a sharp and clear sound. I wanted to hear more of them.
Jeanine pulled me to kiss me again, barely restraining herself not to throw me to the ground right there. But both had the same idea.
It was a bit difficult to walk still kissing her. I'm sure we broke something, but I did not care at that time. Everything else vanished from my head. I could only think of Jeanine Matthews, fill me of her and try to satisfy this desire that consumes me.
Be back in the room made me feel a bit of consciousness. I had no idea how to do this, let alone a woman. The stiffness in my body alerted Jeanine, who immediately stopped to look at me.
- What's the matter, my dear?
- I don't know... I never ...- I did not finish the sentence, red with embarrassment.
- It's fine. It's not that serious - she kissed my cheek. The midday light coming through the ceiling, illuminating her pale body. - Like everything in life, it is learned.
- Show me.
I lay back on the bed lit, so we can see us at each other. She is so beautiful. So, with disheveled hair and swollen lips she is more beautiful than ever. I can't help but reach out and touch her face, in that place where I hurt her, not believing that it was I who changed the view from her face.
I will never let anyone hurt her again. Never.
- Beatrice -she sighed looking into my eyes. - You do not seem real.
And I knew that no matter our past.
We have not had the best start, but I was willing to forget that. A forgive her for everything, if she was this loving woman with beautiful smile, not the machine. I want this Jeanine. I want to protect and save this Jeanine. And I'll do it, I have hope in it. No matter how different we are, our mistakes and our sins. If she is willing to give up everything for me, I am willing to love her without measure.
But I could not think anymore, because my lover stroked my belly with her hands, sliding the left inside my pants.