Divergent? Confusion and hurt fill me. He told me his aptitude test results were Abnegation. Was he lying to me? Anger starts to rapidly replace the confusion. I have to remind myself to breathe and calm down.
"Divergent?" I choke. "You told me you only got Abnegation on your aptitude test." I try to keep the hurt and accusation out of my voice.
"I did," he says. "I did exactly what Marcus prompted me to do. I didn't dare go against him but he never told me why he was preparing me. I don't know if it was a fluke result or what. I learned about my divergence during the simulations. I thought it was normal, to be able to manipulate things. My instructor, Amar, taught me how to hide it. I thought I was doing a good job but maybe not." The anger dies within me.
"Why didn't you tell me this when I asked you in the chasm?"
"Why did you lie to me when I first confronted you during your second simulation?" He's right, I lied to him. All he did was not confirm my suspicions. He didn't lie to me.
"I never apologized to you for lying. I'm sorry." He swivels the desk chair around and pulls me onto his lap. "Tori administered my test and told me never to tell anyone because it was dangerous for me. Then my mom confronted me on visitation day. She already knew about me, and she, too, told me never to tell anyone. Not friends, instructors, no one. At the time you confronted me, I wasn't sure if I could trust you."
"I understand. Amar gave me the same warnings. Don't be upset with me that I didn't tell you sooner. I still have some trouble opening up, even to you."
"I'm not upset," I say lightly touching his face.
"You were. Don't deny it. I could hear it in your voice." I cringe a little as he covers my hand with his.
"I was, but the moment you explained, all I felt was foolish," I say. We both let our hands fall. "Do you recognize any of the other names on the lists?"
"A few. Zeke and Uriah's mother is on the first list." He pauses for a second like he is trying to make a decision. "There's something you should know. Uriah is Divergent. It became evident in his simulations. I gave him the same warning I gave you."
"Uriah too? What about Zeke?"
"Not that I'm aware of."
"What are we going to do about these lists, Tobias?"
"I think we need to research each person on both lists then identify them and keep close watch on them. Once we discuss this with Tori, maybe I'll enlist Zeke's help in the control room."
"Let's try not to worry about this for the rest of the weekend. We'll pick things up Monday morning with Tori." I start to get up off his lap but his arms become like iron vises keeping me rooted where I am. He places his lips in the valley below my left ear and lightly kisses me, causing a shiver to rush down my spine.
"Where do you think you're going? The work day's over, you're mine now." He swiftly moves his mouth from my neck to my mouth. I welcome his lips on mine and run my fingers through his hair. When he moves his mouth back to my neck I take the opportunity to ask him a question.
"Do you think you'll get tired of me hanging around all the time? Home, work?"
"No. I don't think I will." He nuzzles his head on my shoulder. "I believe we'll only get better with time."
"You seem so relaxed right now when just a few days ago you were so tense. I like the change."
"I do, too. You seem more at ease and sure of yourself," he says. "I told you, we've had a profound impact on each other's lives." His stomach growls and I laugh.
"I know I would rather stay behind closed doors with you but I think it's time for a public appearance, Tobias." He lets me off his lap after one last lingering kiss, and we walk hand-in-hand to the cafeteria. Almost every step of the way we're met with stares and hellos from total strangers. This is going to take some getting used to. We finally reach our table and relax with our friends.
The whole table is buzzing with party plans. Christina has taken a poll and decided the party needs to be formal, so I definitely need a new dress. I make plans to go dress shopping with Marlene, Lynne, and Christina on Monday night after dinner. I personally think Christina wanted it formal just so she had an excuse to shop, not that she really needs an excuse to shop!
Christina asks about my apartment, and I tell her we picked one out but won't be moving in until the other initiates get their apartment assignments. I think that's only fair. Why should I be in my own place when they're all stuck in the dorms?
After supper's over Tobias says he has a surprise for me in the Pit, and when he leads me into the furniture store, I ask, "What's going on, Four?"
"We need to pick out furniture for our apartment," he says matter-of-factly. He pulls a spec sheet out of his pocket so we know what pieces will fit in the space.
We choose four glossy white ladder back and four glossy black backless wooden barstools for the island. We get a black wrought iron entertainment center that's specifically designed to fit under a staircase and a matching bookcase. We pick out a loveseat and extra wide club chair with ottoman that match the couch Tobias recently bought. We see an area rug that looks a lot like the backsplash, so we get it to tie the living room with the kitchen. Then we move to bedroom furniture.
"How about we pick a bedroom set out and put it in the master bedroom. We can put my set in one of the smaller rooms and use the third bedroom as a home office."
"That sounds good," I say. I'm a little bit nervous looking at beds with Tobias but I push through the anxiety. Most of the beds look the same but one stands out to me. It's a plain soft white, fabric-covered, crystal-tufted headboard that stands approximately five feet tall with matching nightstands and dresser. There's also a free standing mirror that matches the bed. Tobias sees me eyeing the set.
"That's nice," he says.
"It isn't too feminine is it? After all it will be yours, too," I say, my face catching fire. "Eventually."
"Not at all. I like it. It's a refreshing change from black." He laughs.
"Then yes, this is definitely the one," I say. I can't help but laugh with him. "I have to admit I didn't think I'd ever get to see color again once I chose Dauntless."
"I'm going to have the furniture delivered and set up. Should we go pick out bedding and other stuff?"
"How about we do it tomorrow." I say as I thread my fingers through his.
"Okay," he says. We pay for our purchases and head to his apartment for the night.
I wake up at a little before 5 a.m. I try to go back to sleep but I'm wide awake so I decide to go to the training room and work off some aggression. I leave a note for Tobias and head down the path to one of my favorite places in Dauntless. About an hour later, I hear the door close and look over to see him walk in.
"Good morning," I say.
"You snuck out on me this morning."
"I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd blow off some steam." I say turning back to the punching bag. We workout side-by-side for an hour, and then I'm ready for a shower.
"I'm going to go take a shower. Can I have the keys?" He gives me his apartment keys and kisses me goodbye. I go back to his place and get ready for a relaxing Sunday. When he comes through the door, I'm sitting on the couch.
"Did I forget to lock it?" I say, surprise crossing my face.
He laughs a little and says, "No, you didn't." He comes over to me and hands me the key he just unlocked the door with. "This is my spare key. I went to Zeke's place and got it this morning. I want you to have it until we move into our place."
"Our place … I like the sound of that. Thanks," I say as I slide the key into my pocket. I stand up and give him a kiss being careful not to touch his sweaty body. He goes into the bathroom and takes a quick shower and gets dressed. When he comes into the living room, he joins me on the couch. We decide to go to the department store after breakfast.
We pick blue, white, and black bath and kitchen towels, crisp soft white sheets, and a blue and black handmade Amity quilt. We take the purchases to the new apartment and drop them off.
"What would you like to do today?" Tobias asks me while we walk toward the cafeteria. An idea crosses my mind but he'll never go for it.
"After lunch, let's get out of here. It's been too long since I've been out."
"Do you have a destination in mind?"
"Yes, I do but I'm not going to tell you," I laugh. "It's a surprise."
"Alright. I'll let Tori know we're leaving the compound for the afternoon."
After a hearty meal, Tobias follows me to the tracks. When the train approaches, we run alongside, and he effortlessly jumps on then helps me in. I sit on the bench opposite the door and watch him lean out the opening like he enjoys to do sometimes. I don't know how it does it but the wind makes his already close-fitting shirt even tighter. I'm examining every flawless muscle when he startles me.
"Where are we going, Tris?" he calls over his perfect shoulder.
"Patience, Tobias! We'll get there soon," I say, shaking my head. Soon I see the familiar skyline of the Navy Pier. I get up and walk to Tobias.
"Navy Pier huh? I'm not climbing the Ferris wheel again, Tris," he says.
"We don't have to climb the Ferris wheel," I say. I kiss his lips then jump off the train landing on my feet. I keep running, forced forward by the momentum of jumping from the train. Soon Tobias is running alongside me. We slow down, and I take his hand.
"We don't have to climb the Ferris wheel. We can sit on the Carrousel or walk out to the lighthouse but it might help you face your fear." Tobias gazes down at me with a blank look on his face. I can't tell what he's thinking.
"Fine," he says pulling me toward the Ferris wheel. Before I start to climb, I look in Tobias' eyes. I see equal parts dread and resolve.
"Are you sure?" I ask. He nods. "I'm going to climb to the platform." I test the first rung once again to make sure it will hold my weight. When I'm sure I'll be fine, I climb the ladder toward my destination. I hear Tobias' strained breathing behind me. I sit down on the platform, dangling my feet over the edge, and Tobias crouches down on the platform just like he did the night we won capture the flag.
I look off to my left at the marsh. I can almost imagine what it looked like full of water. If I remember correctly from history class they called it Lake Michigan. I look back at Tobias, and his face is set with determination. I no longer see the fear but it's radiating off him in waves, and his breathing is still labored. I move closer to him and take his hand.
"Do you know where this fear came from?" I ask.
"No, I don't."
"But you conquer it on a daily basis at the compound. Why do you think it's still in your fear landscape?"
"Probably because it would be hard to change my name to Three." A joke. That's a good sign. I roll my eyes at him, and he grins at me. I try to keep his mind off of the height by asking simple questions.
"Do you like the furniture we picked out last night?"
"I do. It all goes very well together. You like it, don't you?"
"I love it actually. I can't wait to see it in our apartment," I say giddily. "Is there anything else we need?"
"Kitchen things like pots and pans. Unless we don't want to cook."
"Can you cook?" I ask, suddenly craving his answer.
"Abnegation," he points at himself, "remember."
"Yeah, of course. Sorry. Sometimes I forget. You fit into Dauntless so seamlessly."
"It's a bit of a struggle at times but not as much since you got here. I was born for Abnegation."
"I know what you mean. There are days I think I could have just as easily chose that life. It would have been easier but it definitely wouldn't have been as fun, and we couldn't do this." I look at our hands. "Or this." I softly press my lips against his.
After we part, I let my mind wander back over our short relationship: Our eyes meeting as he pulled me out of the net, his touch on my stomach at the punching bags, climbing the Ferris wheel the night we won capture the flag, going through his fear landscape, our first kiss, him telling me he loves me. When I look back at Tobias' face his calm demeanor has slipped away. I know he needs to get down.
"I'm tired. Shall we go?" He immediately agrees and starts climbing down the ladder. I smile a little and follow behind him. At least this time the Ferris wheel stays intact, and I don't need rescuing.
"I know what you did," he says when I reach the bottom.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I say, avoiding his eyes.
"Tris," he evenly says, cupping my chin and tilting my head up. I take his hands in mine and look up into his eyes.
"You were panicking," I say. He nods once. He doesn't like admitting weakness. "I thought I would take the lead and get us to the ground ... without mentioning the panic. Plus my 5 a.m. morning is catching up with me. I am tired." One minute I'm standing on my feet and the next he's flung me over his shoulder, knocking the breath out of me, and is carrying me toward the train.
"Well, I better get you to bed then," he says. I know what he means but my stomach tightens, and I blush anyway.
"Tobias Eaton! Put me down this instant," I shriek but he just laughs at me and keeps walking. I love the sound of his laugh; it makes him sound younger, lighter. When we get to the train he sits me on my feet and gives me a quick peck on the top of my head. I fold my arms across my chest stubbornly. The minute we get back on the train he has me up in his arms, cradling my back with one arm and my knees with the other. I'm ready to spend the train ride pouting when I realize just how close our faces are, so I wrap my left arm around his neck and pull his mouth to mine. After a moment I pull back slightly and smile.
"If you insist on carrying me around Tobias, I prefer you do it this way," I say before placing my lips on the pulse point on his neck. I playfully run my left hand through his dark hair and tease his ear a little. I feel his heartbeat increase below my lips and smile. His breath comes quicker, and he sits us down on the bench, keeping me in his arms. I kiss my way to his ear and nibble a little gauging his reaction the entire time. His arms grip me a little tighter. I glance out the train door and realize we're approaching Dauntless.
"Tobias," I say in his ear, "you're going to have to let me down."
"Never," he growls. I giggle.
"We're almost home." He opens his eyes, sighs, and sits me on my feet. I smile at him. "I know it's a little early but let's grab some food and take it to your place." He readily agrees.
We jump off the train and head to the cafeteria. We each make a plate including Dauntless cake and stop by the tattoo parlor to let Tori know that we're back before we go to his apartment. I put both our slices of cake in his fridge for later then sit on the couch. We eat in silence. After I'm finished, I excuse myself to the bathroom. After I brush my teeth, I take my hair out of its bun and comb it out. Then I change into a new knit sleep set with black shorts and a lace-covered black camisole top. I take several deep breaths trying to calm my nerves. When we were on the train we were in public so I wasn't nervous at all but now that we're alone in his apartment, my heart is racing. After silently repeating to myself several times, "I have nothing to fear," I leave the bathroom.
Tobias is sitting on the couch in sleep pants and a tight black tank top. I admire his perfect body while I walk across the room, and he looks me up and down.
"You look great," he says. "How about a movie?"
"Thanks, Tobias. A movie's great. Do you want me to pick one out?"
"Sure," he says. I pick the first DVD I see and pop it in the player thinking I won't really pay attention. I cuddle up against his side and within a few minutes we're both engrossed in the thriller.
After the movie ends, Tobias gets our cake out of the fridge. With a few bites left a playful impulse hits me. I dip my finger in the chocolate frosting and leisurely lick it off, making sure he sees me. I dip my finger again, move it toward my mouth, then quickly swipe it across his cheek. The look on his face sets off a giggling fit then he tackles me pulling me down to the floor on my back, straddling me. He dips his finger in the icing and goes to spread it on my cheek but I turn my head and it smears across my mouth. I stick my tongue out to lick the frosting off but he stops me.
"Let me help you with that," he roughly says, an undeniable hunger in his eyes. He slowly lowers his mouth to mine and kisses the frosting off. He pulls back and licks his lips. I lean forward and boldly lick the frosting off his cheek. I lie back and immediately his mouth finds mine again. I enjoy the taste of chocolate on his tongue. I wrap my arms around him pulling myself closer to him. We kiss for minutes or maybe it's hours when he moves his right hand from my waist slowly up my ribcage under my sleep shirt. When he approaches my breasts, I tense up, and he moves it back down to my waist. After a few more minutes he pulls back and leans above me on his left forearm.
"Every touch," he reaches down and glides his hand across my bare skin from just below my knee up to my thigh, leaving a trail of heat. "Every kiss," he presses his lips to my knit-and-lace-covered heart sending an electric impulse straight between my thighs, "is just as new to me as it is to you."
I raise my hands up, cradle his face, and slowly bring his mouth to mine. I kiss him for a moment before letting him go.
"I didn't mean to tense up on you. Your hand was getting close…" I let the words trail off, embarrassment flushing my face. "I'm not ready to have sex with you," I whisper.
"I know and don't apologize. I need you to remember something, Tris. Every first you experience, I'm experiencing, too. We're experiencing the same fear, the same doubt, the same exhilaration. I'm in no hurry. I'm enjoying this journey," he says. "That doesn't mean I don't get carried away at times. Always tell me how you're feeling and what you want."
"I do forget this is all new to you, too," I tell him stroking his cheek. "Is it wrong to say I'm glad we're experiencing all this together?"
"No. I'm glad we are too," he says. "So, Tris, what do you want to do right now?" I look into his eyes, searching for what, I'm not sure.
"Let's go to the chasm. You aren't the only one who gets carried away you know." I slowly pull his mouth to mine, cautioning him with my eyes. He kisses me slowly but thoroughly then he gets up and reaches his hand down to help me. I dress in black yoga pants and a black tank top and he exchanges his sleep pants for a pair of black sweat pants. We slowly walk down to the Pit. No one's around so we take the little path down to the rocks where we shared our first kiss. He sits down on the largest rock and pulls me down to sit between his legs with my back to his chest. He wraps his strong arms around me tightly like he's afraid I'll jump into the river. We sit listening to the roar of the water. He kisses my neck every so often sending shivers down my spine. I let my mind wander to our first encounter on these rocks, and it makes a huge smile cross my lips. I turn in Tobias' arms and face him.
"Remember the last time we were here?" I say to him. He nods. He must have been thinking the same thing. "You told me you liked me, and I couldn't believe my luck. The guy I liked, liked me too." I caress his cheek. "Then you kissed me."
"Now he loves you," he says, "and is going to kiss you again."
"I love you, Tobias," I say before his mouth meets mine. After a while, I pull away, breathless, and smile up at him. "Not that I want this night to end but it's getting late. Maybe we should get back."
"You're right." He helps me to my feet, takes my hand, and leads me up the path out of the chasm. When we reach the top of the path he drops my hand and puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close to him. I drape my arm around his waist and hold him just at tight. At his apartment we change back into our night clothes and get ready for bed. When I come out of the bathroom and get in bed, Tobias goes in after me. When he walks out a few minutes later, he comes toward me to set the alarm.
"Tobias?" I ask shyly. He looks at me. "Sleep here tonight," I say touching the bed beside me. Surprise crosses his face.
"Are you sure?" he asks.
"I'm asking for what I want." I pat the bed beside me. I want to wake up beside him, not have him across the room. He finishes setting the alarm and turns the light off. He lifts the covers up on the other side of the bed and slides in between them. He lies perfectly still next to me, anxiety radiating off him. I slide closer, find his arm, and move it so it's around me. I lean into him and rest my head on his shoulder and my hand on his chest. After a while, I feel him relax, and he kisses the top of my head.
"Good night, Tris," he says. "I love you."
"Good night, Tobias. I love you, too."