I always heard the people saying that circumstances change our way of to see things. That our perception of the same situation can be different according to our emotional state.
Now, I can say that I understand perfectly. Because there, my perception was totally changed.
Suddenly, I couldn't see Tori in the same way. Looking at her, I could no longer see the woman who had administered my aptitude test. I couldn't see the person who had protected my secret, the person who had helped me.
I could only see the woman who had killed Jeanine.
Seeing the lifeless body of the woman I loved, all my pain turns to hatred. And the hatred is the fuel that renews my strength.
The numbness that surrounded me from the moment in which I heard the shot goes away, and I can see everything very clearly.
I walk toward her and pull the gun from her hands.
Tori don't fight. Maybe because she had already got what she wanted, or because she is also shaken.
I point the gun toward her head.
- I'll kill you! - I don't recognize my voice. Because it isn't quite a voice. It's more like a wild and animalistic snarl. - You will die now!
- Come on, Tris. - Tori says - Shoot me to avenge Jeanine. Shoot, if you think that is the right thing to do.
The gun shakes in my hand. My finger wants to pull the trigger, but something stops me. I can't shoot, and this infuriates me.
- Tris ... - Tobias says in a low and frightened voice - That will not change anything. Please, drop the gun.
- Shut up! - I cry to him - I'll kill her. Now.
My body is on fire. My vision is blurred, and my teeth are so tight that I feel like they can break at any time.
Tori must die. She killed her. My Jeanine. Tobias's voice sounds in my brain like an echo, but the disaster isn't in this room. The disaster is within me.
- You aren't a killer, Tris.
Tobias is pale and terrified. I want to erase the worry on his face, but I am unable to deviate the gun from Tori.
- It's too easy to become a killer, Tobias.
- And ending up like Tori? It's easy become a killer,Tris! What isn't easy is deal with that later!
Tobias's cry makes me start to tremble. My attention doesn't deviates from Tori, and I'm sure she is looking for a opportunity to take me the gun.
- I know you couldn't, Tris. You couldn't bear the weight of a murder.
I lower the gun while tears flood my eyes. Then, I drop it in the ground and run toward the figure dressed in blue.
The silence is deafening. Tobias takes Tori in his arms and goes, wanting - I think - give me privacy.
I take Jeanine's head on my lap. She looks calm now, almost peaceful, with no sign of the pain that this distorted protective instinct caused her.
- No ... - I whisper, like a child who doesn't want to accept the truth - No. No!
I remember her last and desperate kiss. I remember both of us making love under the glass ceiling with view of the sky.
Her voice is still clear in my mind.
''If they kill me, then it will have been worth.'' ''Your life is more precious than mine.''
Now she's dead.
And then I start to cry. I cry louder and louder, I cry until my chest ache, until my lungs are burning owing to breathlessness. But even this is pointless as trying to drain the sea using a bucket. The pain is like walls closing up around me. I feel that I will be crushed by it.
I lower my head, touching my face in hers, my tears wetting her cheeks. Her skin is still warm and soft, but I know this will be short-lived. Soon, she will be cold and stiff, in the same way that my heart will be from now on. Because right now, I feel that a part of me also died.
I don't know how long I remain so, my arms wrapping around her.
A small and remote part of my brain is aware of the things out there. I hear voices downstairs, urgent steps walking amid the postwar turmoil, discussions. Nevertheless, I can't find the strength to move me from where I am. Not even the will.
I feel as if time had stopped. As if I were a world apart, without any contact with anything or anyone. My body could be made of air instead of flesh and blood. I wouldn't even notice the difference.
I bury my head in the crook of her neck, while more sobs flow from my chest. At some point, I feel something that catches my attention. A whiff of air.
A whiff of air. A breath.
The dead don't breathe, then it can only mean one thing.
I feel the hope rising, winding threads around me like a weed. I hold the newly born hope at the same time in which I try to reject it. I know I will not be able to bear if this hope is a mistake.
Without thinking longer, I grab her hand and check her pulse. There is still pulse. Weak, but existent.
- Help! - I scream so loud that my throat hurts - Somebody help me!
She is alive.
The relief still can't get to me, because I know that this fact can change every second.
Tobias walks in the door.
- Tris?
- Find a doctor! - I growl at him - Now!
But Tobias didn't need to call anyone.
Before I finished speaking, I hear more sounds of turmoil than before.
Gunmen in white uniforms come through the door. They put Tobias against the wall, and approach me with menacing steps.
- Lean against the wall! - shouts one of the guards.
- NO!
By dint, they separate me of Jeanine. Two more men enter and raise up her body. Her red blood blights the white of their coats. I keep struggling and almost can escape three times, but the men are very strong.
- Stop. Don't hurt her.
A woman in white clothes enters the laboratory.
She's tall, a few centimeters taller than men. Her hair is long and brown, and her eyes are calm as a summer lagoon. She orders them to let me go and I find myself free.
- Jeanine ... need a ...
- It's on the way, Beatrice Prior. But you still can't leave. Mrs. Eaton still resists, and it's better not take any risk that you to get hurt.
- Where is she?! - Tobias screams.
- We don't want cause any harm to your mother, Mr. Eaton. We just want her to stop shooting at people.
She turns to me. Strangely, she seems quiet, and looks me in a weird way.
- My name is Angela Roth. - she says - And the conflicts within this city end here.