I wake up after a restless night, and the dorm is still dark and quiet. I lay in my bunk replaying last night's events in my head. I'm afraid tears will start flowing again if I concentrate too hard on Tobias' actions so I force myself to quit thinking about it. I stare at the ceiling, trying to figure out what to do. I'm no longer tired so I don't think I can go back to sleep. Should I go back to his apartment? I don't think that's a good idea … not yet. I'm just not ready to talk to him yet. It's too early to go to the office, so I decide to go to the training room for some much-needed target practice. I slide out of bed and bend to get my bathroom stuff and remember I took it to Tobias'. A curse slips from my lips, and Christina snorts and rolls over. I'm glad I didn't wake her up. I really don't feel like explaining why I'm in the dorm.
I head into the bathroom and pick up a washcloth. I "brush" my teeth then wash my face. I examine myself in the mirror as I tie my hair back into a ponytail. The Abnegation in me still doesn't feel comfortable looking at my reflection but the Dauntless in me is getting used to it. I look tired. I must not have slept as well as I thought I did. There are shadows beneath each eye, and I seem older, heavier somehow. The burden of the past 24 hours has taken its toll. I take two deep breaths then head to the training room.
It's earlier than I thought. When I get to the training room, the clock on the wall reads 3:42 a.m. "I should be in bed," I say out loud. I contemplate practicing on the punching bags because of the early hour. I wouldn't want to wake anyone up with gunfire but I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable right now and handling weapons always makes me feel stronger so I go to the cabinet and get out several throwing knives. I position my body the way Tobias taught me during initiation and throw knives at the target until every muscle in my right arm is throbbing. Then I reposition my body and teach myself how to throw with my left hand. First, I practice my stance and knife position without a weapon. Then I practice with the weapon but don't release it. It's just like the first day of knife throwing in initiation. Finally, I release the knife. It hits the target but bounces off. I continue practicing with my left hand until I notice it's almost 7:30 a.m. I've been here for hours, but I feel stronger both emotionally and physically. I needed this.
I decide to go back to Tobias' apartment and get ready for the day. I'm ready to face him now. When I walk into his apartment he's sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. He bounds off the couch toward me when he hears me come in. He has a panicked look on his face.
"Where have you been?" he asks. I put my hand out to stop his pursuit, and he backs up a step, confusion crossing his face.
"I'm going to take a shower and get ready for work," I say, last night's hurt and irritation returning. I laid a new outfit out last night before Tobias got home so I walk across the room and retrieve it from the dresser and head into the bathroom. I stay under the shower spray until the hot water turns ice cold. I slowly turn the water off, ignoring the teeth-chattering shivers. I wrap myself in a thick, fluffy towel and stand in front of the mirror to do my hair. Once again, I study my face while I put my hair into a simple French braid. The dark shadows are lighter and the heaviness seems to have lifted. Before I get dressed I apply some simple makeup Christina talked me into and helped me pick out last night: Dark charcoal gray eyeliner, black mascara, and a lightly tinted lip balm that brings out the natural color of my lips. I have to admit this natural-looking makeup enhances my looks. Then I get dressed in a new black lace lingerie set, tight fitting boot cut black linen trousers, short sleeved black button down linen shirt, and black faux crocodile print ankle boots. I immediately transform from a 16-year-old kid into a Dauntless leader in this outfit. I take one last look at myself in the mirror, ready myself for his questions, and turn off the light.
I walk into the living room and see Tobias has taken a seat back on the couch. He looks at me and his mouth falls open slightly. Slowly his eyes roam from the top of my head down to my feet and back up to my eyes. The look in his eyes gives me a now familiar sensation in the pit of my stomach, desire. I so badly want to cross the room, throw myself into his arms, and kiss him but we have a lot to talk about before I will allow myself to do that.
"Do you mind telling me where you were," he says, caution in his voice. I think he's angry with me.
"Before I answer your question, tell me what you remember about last night," I demand. He starts to open his mouth but quickly closes it. He looks down and furrows his eyebrows in concentration.
"Last night's pretty fuzzy. Did something happen?" he asks. I take a deep breath to steady my emotions. He obviously was too drunk to remember anything.
"You stumbled through the door so hard you made a dent in the wall," I say pointing to the dimple by the jamb. "You were trying to talk to me but I have absolutely no idea what you were trying to say." The next part is hard to think about. Tears spring into my eyes. I try to will them away but it isn't helping. I take a deep breath. "I helped you into bed all the while you were trying to kiss me and touching me. I kept telling you no but you weren't listening very well." The tears spill. He looks like someone punched him in the gut. I watch as the color slowly drains from his face. He leans back against the couch looking ... defeated.
"Did I try to…" his voice trails off but I know what he is saying.
"No. You didn't. I wouldn't have let it get that far, Tobias, but we need to talk about your drinking. I don't like it. I should've been brave enough to say something yesterday when you mentioned going out with the guys. I knew it wasn't a good idea because of the state of mind you were in, and I was right." Once again confusion crosses his face.
"You think I have a drinking problem?" he asks a bit defensively.
"I didn't say that. I've seen you drunk twice now, and I didn't like it either time. You become a different person when you drink." He looks at me skeptically. "Do you really think I would have had to tell you no twice and then leave to get you to stop touching me if you had been sober," I boldly say. "Absolutely not." He leans forward, places his elbows on his knees, and puts his face in his hands. Every bone in my body aches for me to comfort him but I need to get through to him I won't tolerate his drinking. He slowly raises his head and looks at me.
"After I left the apartment last night I wandered around and found myself at the chasm. I took the path to the bottom and watched the water until I was tired." I don't mention the crying spell. No need to torture him further. "I slept in the dorm last night. I got up early and went to the training room for some target practice. Then I came back here," I tell him. I now realize he was worried when I wasn't here when he got up and there was no note. He didn't remember me leaving. He gets up and slowly approaches me but I once again stop him by placing my hand out. I straighten myself up, look him in the eyes, and say, "I can't be with you if you insist on drinking Tobias. Chose now, me or alcohol because you can't have both." Fear ripples through me at this ultimatum. What if he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore?
"I am so sorry for my actions last night. I had no idea," he takes a deep breath, "I scared you. I wish I could take it back but I can't. Can you forgive me?"
"It's going to take some time, Tobias. I won't lie and tell you everything is going to be okay."
"I promise you, Tris, no more drinking. I'll never do anything to jeopardize this relationship ever again. You have my word. I do wish you would have been honest with me about your feelings yesterday. I always want you to be honest even if you think it will make me mad."
"Actually, I didn't know if I had the right to ask you not to drink or not. From now on I promise to speak my mind even if I'm afraid of the results," I say. He takes the step necessary to close the space between us and looks down at me.
"I love you. I'm sorry." He slowly leans in to kiss me and I tense up. He leans back, hurt in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "You're going to have to give me some time, Tobias." He has a remorseful look on his face.
"Let's grab a quick breakfast before work," he says. I agree and we walk side-by-side to the cafeteria. Our table is already full when we get there. Our friends are huddled close together talking about yesterday's executions and the Dauntless Choosing Ceremony tonight. How in the world could I have forgotten about those things? I've been completely selfish and absorbed in my own problems instead of concentrating on what's important, Dauntless. Tobias, Tori, and I have a lot of things to finalize before tonight's ceremony.
"I still can't believe they executed them," Uriah is saying as we sit down.
"They deserved it," Zeke says with resentment in his voice. "They betrayed all of us. They betrayed the Dauntless way of life."
"Damn Erudite," Dante says taking a bite of muffin, "always causing trouble." I look at Will when he says this but he doesn't try to defend his old faction. I think it's a refreshing change of pace actually. Everyone's usually talking down about Abnegation and now it's Erudite that's the focus of negativity. It probably shouldn't but it makes me giddy.
"Did any of you go to the executions?" James asks. Everyone shakes their heads. I don't know of anyone who attended the executions.
"I'm just glad it's over. Maybe we can all move on," Ciara says. I hope it's over. Tobias and I share a quick look. I know he's thinking the same thing I am right now, this might not be over.
"Do you two have the list of available jobs yet?" Lynn asks, interrupting my thoughts. I don't know how to answer this question but I should have known Tobias would.
"We'll have it at lunch," he says in his Four voice. I wonder if he'll ever be Tobias with anyone but me.
"I can't wait to get into my apartment," Marlene says. Uriah, Lynn, Christina, and Will all agree with her. "The dorms are getting really old. I was actually thinking about staying with my parents if we had to wait much longer. Some of you know my parents, so you know how desperate I'm getting." Even though I don't know her parents I easily join in the laughter. I find myself fitting in more with our friends every day.