I breathe deeply for the umpteenth time in the last thirty minutes.
Standing in front of the Erudite hospital wing, my will is simply break off the doors and run to Jeanine's side, and there's a part of me that still thinks seriously about this possibility.
Nevertheless, I can still keep my rational part in control, because this isn't the time to let my reckless behavior dominate me. Nor the place.
Mentally, I thank the people who protected that place. I not want to think what would happen to Jeanine without adequate medical equipment.
Her last image in my mind still tortures me every second, making breathing hard. Her inert body, bloodied, without consciousness. The memory hurts like I was living it all over again.
No. Maybe it's an exaggeration to say it. It's not like I was living it all again.
It's bad. Bad enough to make me feel breathlessness, to make me feel like crying, but it's nothing compared to I had felt at the thought that she was dead.
The memories invade my mind and my brain automatically rejects them as a defense mechanism. I don't believe being able to feel this pain again and still keep my sanity.
I look at the scene of destruction around me. Someone shot at Jeanine's portrait and drew a huge "X" with red ink on her face. I feel a twinge of sickness and take my eyes from it.
And finally, there is Angela.
This mysterious woman takes up most of the small space of my brain that can to think of something besides Jeanine.
Who is she? Where she comes from and why she is here?
I remember the way she appeared - as if by magic - and simply decreed the end of the conflict. As if she were some kind of authority, as if she knew and understood exactly what was happening and most importantly, why it was happening. Her attitude - the loftiness and the severity of her words, despite her calm face and her gentle voice - reminded me Jeanine. Those were the characteristics of a true leader.
And, probably, she's. Leader of something I don't know.
Then a twinge of suspicion arises in my mind: Is Angela working for the Bureau? To David and all those things that Jeanine told me? That would explain her sudden appearance, and the fact she seems to have full knowledge of everything. If she were from within, with all that authority, I certainly already would have known her, or at least have heard of her.
I think about the fact she's with Jeanine right now while she's being cared. Suddenly, the idea of break off the doors isn't that bad.
I'm taken away from my thoughts when a figure approaches me.
The girl in front of me is very familiar. Her skin is dark brown and she wears black clothes that are worn owing to combat. There is a cut on her left eyebrow.
- Christina?
I run to her and throw myself into her arms. She doesn't return the hug with the same enthusiasm. When she looks at me, her eyes are sad, almost resentful.
- Tris.
Automatically, I look away. I remember that, to Christina's eyes, I'm still being tested by Jeanine. It's not supposed I'm here concerned for her life.
- Tell me that it's a mistake.
- You'll have to be more specific.
- Tell me that you don't joined to Jeanine's gang. - she says, fixing her eyes on mine.
I breathe slowly.
- Not true.
- Oh, Tris! I knew it couldn't be true! Four must be in some silly mistake and ...
- I never went to her side. All I wanted was to keep her alive.
Christina's face turns to stone. I never saw her so confused and alone.
- Why would you want to do that?
I take a deep breath, refusing to look away. If I was facing the responsibilities for my choices, I would do it without lowering my eyes.
- Because ... Listen, Christina. I know this is hard to believe but ... I love her. I love her and we are together now. I can explain it all to you with all the details, I swear I'm not crazy ...
I realize she's not paying attention to me. My friend's look remind me Jeanine. Totally petrified.
- Do you have become ... crazy, Tris?
No. She wasn't really listening to me.
- Chris ...
- How? When? Why? Oh God, she must have broken your brain with so many damn serums. You don't know what you are saying ...
- Christ ...
- That must be it! You're under her control. We need to get help before...
- Christina, I'm not under any control! I'm serious. I know it's rare, but it happened and I will not change it. Nothing will do. So please, calm down.
- Calm? How can you expect me to stay calm when my best friend is telling me she's playing house with ... with ... her, by God!?
Christina shakes her head in disbelief. She gives me a lost look, as if she don't recognized me.
For the first time in all this time, I got a glimpse of the consequences of my choices. I realize that this scene will be repeated very often from now on. I will have to deal with questions, with disappointed looks, with judgments.
- Christina please...
- No. - she murmurs - You're not Tris. I no longer recognize you.
Christina gives me a hurt look and leaves. I want to run after her, I want say I can explain, but I realize that this will have no effect.
- That hurts in the beginning. But eventually, It will get better.
The voice scares me. I turn quickly to see Angela's quiet and expressionless face. She seems to have come out of the blue.
- What do you know? - I say staring her.
- Time heals all wounds. Over time, your loved ones will start accepting it, and if not, at least respect it. - Angela smiles a little. She has a very strange smile. - Once Jeanine compensate her actions, and with time, things will take its course.
- What's that of "compensate her actions"? - I ask, trying not to sound too harsh.
- She's alive, right? She was sure she would die, but now she have more life ahead. She can no longer prevent the city from be taken, so she will do all she can do: start over, do good things. And that's thanks to you.
She turns aside, leaving the door open.
- She's still unconscious, and quite bruised. But you can to enter and see her.
I don't need more words. I quickly run to the door, but before I enter, she speaks again.
- Answer me one thing. - the smile disappears - Who shot her?
A presentiment shakes my chest. I think about Tori, about everything that we've been through. She applying my aptitude test. She tattooing my chest. She shooting Jeanine.
No. I can't to think about this, but I will not have Tori's blood in my hands.
- I do not know.
Angela looks me in the eyes, very intently. This weird eyes feel like a black hole inside my head.
- Okay.
I breathe relief.
- Only 15 minutes. Soon, do you will have to leave.
And without another word, she turns and leaves.
Without wasting more time, I enter into the hospital room. Jeanine's room is very bright. All white.
And then I see her, and at this moment, I feel the relief flooding my lungs together with air. It's like I was holding my breath the whole time from the moment when the men in white took her away from me. For the first time in hours, I can breathe.
She has a large oxygen mask on her face, and wires glued to her chest and shoulders. The wounds that the shots caused are wrapped in bandages, and the gray eyes that I love so much are closed. The beeps of the cardiac monitor give a gloomy and hopeful air to the scene. Gloomy because she's there, wounded. Hopeful because despite that, her heart still beats.
And each monitor beep is the most precious sound in the world for me.
I approach the bed and take one of her hands in mine. Hot tears run down my face.
- Oh, Jeanine ... - I whisper with a faltering voice - Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I promised that I would protect you. I wanted so much protect you, but I couldn't. Now, you must be strong. For both of us. I love you ... please don't leave me.
I breathe a few times and close my eyes.
"You'll be fine." I say with a firmer voice "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. You'll be fine."
I don't know if she can hear me, but I want to believe so. Holding her hand and looking at her face, I feel like I can stay here forever. For as long as necessary until her eyes are opened.
Slowly, my hand wraps her face. Her warm and soft face, so like it should be. I close my eyes, enjoying the heat. I have a burning desire that she just open her eyes and say my name, accompanied by a sarcastic phrase, but I know that's not possible. Not for now.
- I'm sorry, Tris. - I hear a voice behind me. And then, a hesitant touch on my shoulder. Caleb.
I turn to look at my brother. His face have a expression of sorrow.
Hearing his voice, the knot in my throat tightens and I'm unable to say anything.
So, he just hugs me, and I support my head on his shoulder.
- She would not let me stay with her. - he says - As soon as you left, she sent me to follow you. To protect you and not her.
- It's all right. - I whisper - It's not your fault. I know her very well. How did you entered here?
He shrugs.
- It wasn't too difficult. With the confusion that's out there, I don't think someone was really paying attention to me.
- I failed, Caleb. - I murmur weakly - I failed to protect her. If I had been quicker, if I had pulled the gun from Tori's hand...
I shake my head, but the tears continue forming in my eyes, blurring my vision.
- Don't say that. - he puts his hands on my shoulders - You've been very brave, but unfortunately some things are beyond our control. She'll be fine.
He keeps looking at me, and suddenly, his face becomes dark, as if he had just remembered something. Something bad.
- Caleb? Is something wrong?
He twists his hands nervously and sighs.
- Damn ... I hate to give bad news. Especially in moments like this.
- Caleb, no matter what it is, you need to tell me now.
- Now there is an added complication, Tris. You are in a bad situation.
I stare him back, impatiently.
- What do you mean by that?
- Tori. - he finally says - She told everyone you tried to kill her to protect Jeanine. And now they want you to be tried as a war criminal.
...
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