I'm in a black nothingness. Floating in space.
I like to be here. No noise, no pain. Only peace and quiet.
I know I'm dreaming. But still I do not care. I'm dreaming. Now I do not need to be strong and brave. No need to pretend a force I don't have. At last I have peace of mind.
I know it's a dream. And I do not care.
I'm almost surprised that she takes so long to appear, but she finally does. She is swimming in this ocean of dark peace, a few meters above me. I can see her.
She is perfection in person, with her wavy blond hair and her smooth skin. Inevitably I search her eyes, silver as the more fine metal. My eyes are poisoned in the elixir of her smile.
Jeanine pushes herself with her legs and comes to me. I wait her with open arms, and I receive her in the midst of this strange peace. She buries her nose in my neck, as I know she would. She loves being there, and I love she is. My arms are her home and I can stay that way for long.
A knock on the outside disturb me.
No. I don't want to wake up. I don't want. Everything is a mess and if they really is going to condemn me for betrayal, I want this moment to last.
Jeanine begins to fade in my arms.
- No. Do not go!
But the figure keeps fading.
- Jeanine ...
But she can't stay here even if she wants. Because she isn't real.
I awake between the mess of the sheets. An orange light comes through my window, illuminating everything with heat shadows.
Someone still is knocking on my door. I quickly put on a black shirt and get out of bed, shivering a little.
I don't stop to think about what I could look like. It really never occurred to me to think of myself.
But when I open the door, I don't think about find Angela.
- Good morning, Beatrice Prior. Is it true that you are being accused of betrayal?
Even if these eyes still scared me a little, I'm glad to see her. This means that in a way, I'm not completely alone.
I sigh and run my hands through my short hair.
- Please, Angela.
She listens to my story carefully. Her face doesn't alter even when I tell her about Tori and the moment she had shot Jeanine.
I need to breathe several times in this part. Reliving the scene makes me feel as if the shot had hit me too.
- Every minute that passes is a silent torment. - I tell her at the end of everything - Every second away from her, every moment of uncertainty. It's unbearable.
Angela looks at me curiously.
- Are you the Divergent who Jeanine was testing, right?
My face becomes red.
- And you wonder how I ended up as her girlfriend? - I try to smile, but it costs me much effort. I just can't. - I also wonder it. But I can't answer. Neither did she. None of us have any idea.
- I told Jeanine that falling in love was dangerous ... - she has an almost amused expression on her face, as if she were remembering something - and she assured me that this would not happen. As if people had control over this kind of thing.
This time, I can smile a little.
- I never thought she was capable of loving. And yet, she loves me.
Angela nods.
- Love does that to people. It saves them when there is no more salvation. You saved Jeanine, Beatrice. In many ways. In ways you don't even imagines.
I want to respond to her, but if I pronounce any word , I'll start to cry.
- When is the judgment? - she asks suddenly.
- Within three days or so. That's according to Caleb.
Angela presses her lips together.
- We need to think of something to get you out of this situation. And soon after, think of something else to get Jeanine out of the same situation. This will be very difficult.
- Everyone is against her. - I mutter bitterly - Anyone in that city would be happy to condemn her.
- Jeanine made many mistakes. I warned her of the risks, but she was blind.
- She's the one who knows the truth. - I complete - I can't imagine how I would deal with that alone, if I were in her place.
Suddenly, something occurs to me.
The truth that only Jeanine knew. The reason she did everything she did. Reason that would lead many people to do exactly the same.
- Angela! - I call her, alarmed. My heart beats strong in my chest. The flame of hope begins to light up inside me - That's an argument! We can use the truth to defend her! Maybe if they knew the truth she knows ... maybe we can have a chance!
Angela looks at me and I can see a light shining in her eyes. As if the flame of hope in my heart could also heat her.
- That would work to save Jeanine. - Angela says, suddenly breaking eye contact - But saving you, it's a different matter. Tori accused you to the whole city. Jeanine having reasons or not, to the eyes of the world you're a traitor.
Her words were true. But if I could to save Jeanine, it would be enough for now. After everything, I would think of something about me.
- Why Tori Wu hates her so much? - she asks, turning to me again. Her eyes shines with a strange light.
- Her brother was divergent. - I say by way of explanation.
She didn't needed further explanation.
But still, I can't restrain myself and ask.
- You know her, right? You know Jeanine.
Angela raises her eyebrows, as if my words were the more absurdity in the world.
- You worry about her. That is why you want to save her. Not in a professional way, you really care about her. - I feel a shiver down my back. Could I really trust her? May or may not, I had no choice. Any. - Why do you care so much?
Angela looks at me with her disturbing quiet for a few seconds long, as if trying to read me inside. Her answer must have been successful because she reaches into the pocket of her white coat and pulls out a wallet.
She opens the wallet so I can see it. There is a collage of many photos of people smiling. She takes a photograph that looks old but well preserved.
In photography, there was a little baby two years old. The baby looked at the camera laughing, with her dimpled smile and small teeth. There were some colorful books with the baby.
Her clothes were blue, her hair had the color of white gold and her eyes were more silver than pure platinum.
I recognize her instantly.
The baby in the photograph is Jeanine.
It was something too amazing to me to look away. Jeanine looked like one of those porcelain dolls that were sold in the only toy store in town. Sometimes, when I was very young, I watched the dolls with a painful longing, until I grew up and the toy store was closed. The Abnegation hadn't toys.
I get the picture in my hands, feeling an involuntary smile on my lips. She was a beautiful baby.
- I myself took this photo when I was 9 years old. - Angela murmurs, her voice strangely distant. - My family lives outside the fence. My father hated the Pure, or "Divergent". To face them, he developed a technique for increasing the Intellectual Coefficient. Something that only works in impure. He succeeded, he used in me. - Angela gently takes the photograph of my hands - Jeanine's father had contacted him, and did the same with her. Arguably, both of us are successful experiments.
My mouth feels dry, and I can feel a strange sensation inside me. A mixture of anger and panic.
- What is the technique?
- First, the baby must have the appropriate genes. Joshua Matthews had a couple of failed attempts, but he managed with cute baby of the photography. - Angela looks away, like she was embarrassed. - Second, must grow up with intense mental training. Emotions are not allowed. Hate, love, sadness. Nothing. Everything must be eradicated from the child.
Her words reach me like a bucket of cold water. This is the reason why Jeanine is as she is.
For a moment, I imagine the blonde baby alone in a corner, sad because no one approached her. Many times I felt alone when I was little, but what Angela had described was nothing like what I knew.
- And third: must to learn a flawless self-control. To control impulses, desires, and even the physical and mental pain. Have you seen the scars on her torso, right? Those are the ones that could not disappear. Most fades with age. - Angela lifts the sleeve of her coat, showing small white scars. - But some of them never disappear.
I feel terrible.
I remember what I felt for Jeanine before. I remember how much I hated her, the times that I felt so angry that I wanted to make her awful things. Now I realize I never hated her. At heart, I always knew she was a constant presence in my life. When my father complained about her in the newspaper, and when I saw her picture on TV. I never felt hatred.
I felt frustration at not being able to approach her.
I always wanted to know if the image of that woman was something real.
And in the end, it wasn't. It was something completely different from what I imagined. Much more complicated. But it was something I liked more.
Unconsciously, I touch my tattoos, where she had been sleeping until a few days ago.
I promise to both, to her and to me, that if we overcame this, there will be nothing that can separate us. Nothing. And so will be. The only regret is having to know all this from Angela's mouth. But in the end, it doesn't matter, because when Jeanine awakening we overcome it together. It's a promise I intend to keep.
- And I could not help her. - Angela seems human for a moment, in which she smiles sadly. - I failed. Virtually, it's all my fault. But I will not allow further suffering. Even if the Pure eliminate us.
I touch her hand and, though she didn't even moves, I know she feels better with the gesture.
It was just like that with Jeanine.
- Maybe I'm stupid ... - I murmur, looking at her face - Maybe I'm naive as those princesses of fairy tales, but I have hope. I have hope that everything runs well without the need more disasters for this.
- I hope you're right, Beatrice.
I sigh and pull my hand from hers. Angela seems to be lost. Lost in a million thoughts and memories. Memories, now I know, were not good.
- Maybe I'm not right. - I reply, feeling an acute sadness in my chest - But I want to believe in the best while I still can.
The room is extremely quiet.
My footsteps echo on the white floor, and the cold dominates all I can feel. In a way, I'm used to it, because it's the same climate that received me every day. But still, every time I come here, it's like the first time.
That painful first time.
I walk to the bed and apply a long kiss on Jeanine's forehead.
- Good morning, Jeanine.
She doesn't answer me.
The oxygen mask had been removed, which was a relief. This meant an improvement in her clinical condition. But the wires remained glued to her body and the heart monitor was still sounding its beeps.
Overall, I'd rather hear her heart touching my ear to her chest. A calm and reassuring sound, not a sharp and artificial sound. But in the current situation, it meant that she was alive, and that made me enjoy them, even if grudgingly.
I pull a lock of her hair behind her ear. Her skin never looked so pale, and her face remained the same: immobile, expressionless.
I remember the things that Angela had told me. I imagine the beautiful baby of the photo suffering those types of torture. I imagine that precious child growing up in the midst of fear and isolation, being devoid of any emotion.
I feel an intense and fierce desire to protect her. Just as I had felt when we kissed for the first time. A urgent and fierce need to not allow anyone or anything to hurt her.
I touch her face, and I imagine that at any moment she will react to my touch and open her eyes. And I will continue waiting for it until it happens.
- You know ... - I whisper, stroking her face - I will be judged tomorrow.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes, trying to contain the cry that begins to form in my chest.
- I'm being accused of betrayal because I have fought to save you. I will fight to defend me, Jeanine. I want to stay alive. By you. By us. But if this isn't possible, I want you to know that I don't regret anything. I don't regret defending you, of having loved you. I would do it again. I don't want you torture yourself for my death. It was my choice. It has always been my choice. And I would not do anything differently if I could change the past.
At this point, I can no longer hold back the tears. They simply slide down my face, hot, plentiful. My vision starts to blur and I clean the tears. I don't want to miss a single detail of Jeanine's face.
- I'm sorry for all the things that you have suffered. I'm sorry for all the cruelty they have committed against you. I want to live to defend you at your judgment. I want it so much. I love you so much, Jeanine.
I not even realize the moment when I am in Caleb's arms. I don't even saw him enter.
He doesn't say me anything, just stands there, holding me in his arms as I tremble. After a few minutes, I lift my head to look into his eyes.
- Caleb, I need you to do something important. If ... if anything happens to me, if the worst happens to me, tell Jeanine that I did not want to leave her.
Caleb just nods and hugs me again.
"I want to live!" I tell myself in thought "I'm not finished here."
I take a last look at Jeanine, then at my brother, then I put myself walking towards my destiny.