These past few days have been long and uneventful. The morning after the Choosing Ceremony, Tobias and I visited Daniel and got his written account of the attack. It virtually said the same thing the other three statements did. He was stopped momentarily in the hallway by a neighbor asking how he was doing. We looked into the neighbor but he didn't raise any red flags but we added his name to the file nonetheless.
There are no new leads. We had Zeke go back through the security camera footage from that morning but nothing out of the ordinary was observed. It was almost like the assailants knew where the cameras were, which is strange. Only a handful of people in Dauntless know there are cameras. It's a well-kept secret. This gave us some concern so we pulled all the personnel files of the control room workers, including Zeke's, just to be thorough but nothing stood out as suspicious.
After Tobias finished looking at the hidden files on Max's hard drive, he moved into my office to see if there were any hidden files on Eric's computer, then he made his way through the other Dauntless leaders' computers but he didn't find anything new. Tori and I finished looking through the personnel files of every name on both lists and the additional names mentioned in those files. Unfortunately, the effort didn't produce any answers as to why Eric assembled the lists in the first place. We gave Zeke documentation on each person on the lists. He immediately identified and started surveillance on each one. He also created a program that automatically downloads all recorded information into a specified file only he and Tobias have access to. They plan to get together once a week and go through the recordings.
On Wednesday after lunch, Christina and I finished planning the Dauntless party. After listening to her beg off-and-on for over an hour, I promised to let her handle all the decorations in the auditorium. We finalized the menu, which will be served in a special candle lit supper in the cafeteria at 7 p.m. We're having a choice of roast beef with brown gravy or baked chicken in a creamy lemon sauce; twice baked potatoes with butter, sour cream, cheese, and chives; seasoned green beans with bacon; fresh fruit and cheese trays; and soft yeast rolls with homemade honey butter from Amity. Of course everything will be topped off with Dauntless cake, which will be available in chocolate with chocolate icing, vanilla with butter cream icing, and strawberry with a strawberry glaze. A variety of beverages will be available both in the cafeteria and the auditorium for everyone's convenience.
Although Tobias and I have been spending all of our free time together, things are still not back to normal. We've barely touched since the night of the Choosing Ceremony. The fear that resurfaced after he came home drunk is gone but part of me is still holding back, and I'm not sure why but I'm trying really hard to let the apprehension go. I know I should have talked to Christina about it when I had the chance but I let the fear win. I didn't want her to know Tobias and I were already having problems.
I look at the clock on the wall and notice it's almost lunch time. I'm supposed to meet Marlene, Lynn, and Shauna at Christina's apartment in a little over an hour to start getting ready for tonight. Ciara, Ella, and Kirsten turned down our invitation and are getting ready at Kirsten and Dante's place. Christina won't even let me check on the progress in the auditorium. With all of Dauntless buzzing about the party tonight and Tobias shut up in Zeke's office watching the surveillance recordings, I've been a bit bored.
An idea hits me. I look at the clock again and wonder if there's time. Thinking there is, I get up and lock my office behind me. Thankfully I'm wearing black yoga pants, a basic black tank top, and black running shoes. I wouldn't want to go through a simulation in heels.
I go to the fear landscape room and enter the information like Tobias showed me earlier this week. Then I insert the needle into my neck and wait for the simulation to start. Soon I'm standing in the familiar grassy field. I look off in the distance at what looks like smoke rising to meet the dreary sky but soon the black cloud is moving toward me. Damn crows. My heart starts hammering in my chest. I kneel down and start searching for the gun in the tall grass. When I feel the familiar cool steel touch my palm, I grab the weapon and take aim. Crows start falling out of the sky one by one.
The gun is suddenly gone, and I'm in the glass box with my friends and Tobias gathered around. Simulation Tobias walks over and tells me to look, and the water is already covering my feet. I take deep breathes trying to calm myself then think, "The glass is ice, the glass is ice, the glass is ice," and press my hands and feet against the glass wall as hard as I can. The glass breaks. Everything goes dark.
Suddenly I find myself in the ocean being tossed around like a ragdoll as wave after wave knocks into me. I'm half on a huge rock but I can't get a good grasp on it to pull myself out of the water completely. I know I have to get up on that rock so I lunge myself further up it but still don't get a good grasp and slide back down into the water. A scream of frustration leaves my lips as I thrust myself forward once again. This time I find a small crack with my fingers. I hold on with all my might as another wave hits me then I pull myself up onto the rock, out of the water, and start running.
Suddenly I can't move. I look around, trying to adjust my eyes to the bright light, and see I'm tied to a stake with logs piled beneath my feet. Peter and many faceless people are in front of me. What is it with faceless people? Peter has a sadistic smile on his face. He saunters over to me and slowly lowers the torch to the wood under my feet. My heart takes off. I struggle with my bindings to no avail. I'm still tied in a fire. I look down at my feet and see the flames climb closer to my flesh. Finally, I feel the pain of fire on my feet and I scream.
"Do you smell that, Stiff?" Peter says. "That is the smell of burning flesh." I take two deep breathes to steady my racing mind.
"No, I smell rain," I say as a drop hits me on my forehead and slides down my face. Then the sky opens up and rain pours down and douses the flames.
Once again I'm standing in the dark. Soon my eyes adjust, and I see I'm in my bedroom at Abnegation. Of all the fears, I really had hoped this one had went away. I close my eyes and take two deep breathes. When I open them I see the man from the aptitude test and the faceless men at my window. I slowly back up until I run into the closet doors with my back. I slide them open and feel around for the gun. When the feel of cold steel registers, I wrap my fingers around it and fire at the men hitting them each in the forehead. The room goes dark. That was a lot quicker than the first time.
My heart rate begins to slow as I'm standing in darkness. When I feel the barrel of the gun touch my left temple and the feel of cold steel in my right hand, my heart rate picks up double time. I don't want to kill my family. Jeanine Matthews' voice is in my ear telling me to kill him or be killed but I don't see anyone. Suddenly a spotlight rains down on Tobias who is tied to a chair. A scream leaves my lips before I think of what I'm doing. I can't kill him, I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. Shooting him will kill me too. No, he has to live.
"I love you, Tobias Eaton," I say as I turn the gun in my hand on myself and pull the trigger. Suddenly I'm standing in the fear landscape room looking at the Dauntless painting on the back wall. As my heart rate returns to normal, I realize that even though he's still in my fear landscape it's under totally different circumstances. I'm no longer scared to be with him and a weight lifts. I think I've been holding on to the idea I'm scared instead of actually being afraid. I know I'm still not ready to have sex but I'm ready to get my relationship with Tobias back on track and, suddenly, I'm giddy about tonight. I'm walking to the cafeteria when I notice Tobias and Zeke come out of a dark hallway in front of me.
"Hey," I call out. They turn and his eyes light up when he sees me then dim slightly. Pain spasms through my heart. I have a lot of work to do to make this relationship right. "Are you two headed down for lunch?"
"We're going to grab a plate and work through lunch," he says.
"I'll walk with you," I say to them. I casually take Tobias' hand in my own, and he looks down at me with furrowed eyebrows. I lightly squeeze his hand and smile up at him.
"Where are you coming from?" Zeke asks conversationally.
"The fear landscape room," I say. Tobias stops so abruptly it jerks me backward. I look at him and ask, "What?"
"Zeke, I'll meet you back in your office," Tobias says to his friend. Zeke gives him a strange look then shrugs.
"I'll see you tonight, Zeke," I say. After he leaves, I turn to Tobias. "Is something wrong?"
"Why did you go through your fear landscape?" he asks.
"I wanted to see something," I say cautiously. I wanted to tell him about this tonight.
"Am I still in your fear landscape?" he asks quietly.
"Yes," I say matter-of-factly. He lets my hand go and takes a step backward. "But not in the way you think," I amend.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Jeanine doesn't want me to shoot my family anymore; she wants me to shoot you. Of course I couldn't do it. I could never hurt you that way, not even in a simulation." I take his hand and pull him into a dark hallway. "I came to some conclusions this afternoon thanks to the sims, some positive ones. I want to talk about this with you but I don't think a hallway in the middle of the Dauntless compound is the right place. You go get some lunch and finish your work. Get dressed for the party then meet me outside the cafeteria a little before 7 o'clock." I take a step closer to him and look up into his dark blue eyes. "I promise, everything's alright now." I reach up and pull his mouth to mine and kiss him with all the pent up fear, desire, regret, and anticipation that has been developing. He is careful at first but then the flood gates break and all the suffering, anxiety, passion, and lust that has been building the past week rushes out. I can't imagine being more in love with him than I am right now in this moment. We finally break apart when we hear snickers coming from the path that leads down to the Pit. He takes my face in his hands, gently presses his lips to mine, and tenderly kisses me again. When he pulls back a single tear slides down his cheek.
"I was afraid I'd lost you forever."
"That will never happen," I say, wiping away the tear. "I'm far too selfish to ever let you go." I hug him close to me, breathing in his masculine scent. After a long minute, I say, "We better go." I release him and take his hand in mine and lead him to the cafeteria. We have a newfound ease between us that I can't wait to explore further. He grabs a plate to take back to Zeke's office then escorts me back to our table. Before he leaves he sits down beside me straddling the bench. He pulls me close and whispers he loves me in my ear, making me grin goofily. Then he pulls back slightly and moves his mouth to mine. Not that long ago a public display like this would have made me uncomfortable but not anymore. I don't care who sees me kissing Tobias. I want everyone to know he's mine. He pulls away too soon and a pout crosses my lips.
"I love you, Tris," he says so everyone can hear.
"Love you more, Four." It actually comes out sounding like a question. I didn't think of how the rhyming would sound, and we both burst out laughing. It feels good to laugh with him. I notice everyone at the table is looking at us like we're crazy. "7 o'clock. I'll be waiting," I say running my hand up the thigh that's hidden under the table. His eyes widen, and he reluctantly moves away from the table.
"7 o'clock," he says over his shoulder at me while he walks away.