I woke up that morning feeling worse than before.
It was strange, because after seeing and touching Jeanine, making sure that she was well and whole, I should feel, at least, relieved.
But strangely, it was not how I felt.
The fact that it was just a simulation gave me a greater perspective of the distance between us. I gave me account that we were so far away that we could see and speak only through shared dreams.
I touched her, but I could not really touch her. I kissed her, but the kisses were the result of an artificial connection.
It was a little nerve-racking.
I touched my shoulder where she had scratched hard enough to leave a red mark. There was nothing there. We were far apart, out of reach from each other.
I sighed, trying to ward off the distressing thoughts, but it became even more difficult to think of my parents and all that Jeanine had said.
My mother came from this place. That same place I had learned to hate with all my strength. What had led her to be part of it? To serve those people who had a vision so distorted about human beings?
And she never told me a single word about it.
Part of me wanted to understand her, because she probably just wanted to protect me, but the other part felt a profound sorrow at being deprived of an information that had an importance so vital.
I shook my head and finally got up from the bed. Whatever it was, I would not gain anything hurting me with those thoughts. They just would make me weak, and, in those circumstances, the weakness was something I had no right.
I took a quick shower and dressed up in the clothes they provided me. I felt strange wearing a red shirt, but I remembered that they did not live in factions and colors probably meant nothing to them.
Looking into the mirror, suddenly, I imagined myself dressed in blue.
It was a strange and unexpected fantasy, but the image just came into my head and I could not push it away.
I figured me wearing a blue dress and, over it, a coat like Jeanine's.
I imagined my hair (now in disarray) perfectly coiffed and tidy. In my face, a soft but expressive makeup.
I had always vehemently rejected Erudite because of the hatred that my father felt for them, but now that I was madly in love with the Erudite leader, the desire to be a Erudite had lit in me automatically.
And that was just one of many things that had changed radically in that tiny space of time between the day I surrendered to Jeanine and now.
I wondered how would be the city, and what was going on in our absence. Jack and Johanna must be doing a good reorganization job, (a job with peace and justice as main bases) and other people would be trying to get some normalcy in their lives after the revelation.
Little did they know that the Bureau had plans to "reintegrate them" to the world, which was the same as dip them in hell.
Thinking about this renewed my energies. That was the reason I was there: to prevent that from happening. So that I and all those people could have a future of peace beside whom we loved. And I could not fail.
In the moment I would leave the bedroom, my eyes caught sight of a folded paper on the floor by the door.
I frowned and leaned over to pick it up. I unfolded it and saw that there was only one sentence written in small letters.
"Find George in the cafeteria after breakfast. He will guide you to my office where we can talk more at ease.
David. "
A cold shiver ran down my spine.
I wondered what David would talk to me. Was he suspicious of me or my friends? He wanted to test me or something?
"He is a wolf in sheep's clothing." Jeanine's voice resonated in my mind "David will greet you with one hand and stick a dagger in your back with the other."
I pushed the fear to the back of my mind and I kept the paper in my pocket. If I wanted to win the confidence of David, that would be the first step.
When I entered the cafeteria, I realized that I was the last to arrive.
My friends were together, eating and talking casually.
Christina and Will were implying with one another about something, and making provocations like any couple. I envied them. I wanted to be next to my girlfriend the same way they were together.
Cara seemed lost in thought. Her eyes stared at nothing and she seemed unaware that she was stirring her porridge by time too, and it probably was already cold.
I wondered what she was thinking. With those expressionless and calculating eyes, she looked like Jeanine.
Tobias was sitting on the end table. He had dark circles and looked tired, as if he had not slept all night. His eyes had a manic brightness, the brightness of a new idea or a new discovery. He seemed about to explode.
I felt my heart quicken. Tobias would have discovered something important? Something that could help us? What could have changed so much in one night he was probably asleep?
Suddenly, I could hardly wait for bedtime. And that would be a long day before we could talk again through the simulation.
I said "Good Morning" and sat in the only empty seat beside Caleb.
- You look tired. - He frowned - You did not go up all night, right?
- No. - I took a deep breath and put some milk in my cereal bowl - We can say that my fatigue is more emotional than physical.
Caleb sipped his juice and set the glass back on the table.
- Explain yourself?
I took a cereal spoon to my mouth and chewed slowly, postponing my answer as long as possible. Caleb continued to stare at me, waiting.
- Let's say we did not know all that we should know. Some important informations were withheld. Of us, mostly.
- Informations? What are you talking about, Beatrice?
I looked around, suspiciously.
Tori was talking to George in the left corner of the cafeteria, and Tobias's expression seemed back to normal. More or less.
- I'll tell you after. Now, ironically, I have even greater concerns.
- Withheld informations and now even greater concerns?
- Before leaving my bedroom, I found a note on the door. - I explained - David wants to see me in his office.
Caleb's eyes widened.
- What does he want with you? - His voice was low, but scared.
- I'm going to find out. George will lead me to him. Whatever it is, I do not think is good.
He looked at me with fear, but with resignation.
- I wish I could help you, but I believe it will not be possible.
I gave him a small smile.
- No, you can not. But I'll be fine.
He returned my smile, but the nervousness was evident in his face.
- Hey, Tris? - Uriah called to me from across the table - Are you okay? Or the bed was so uncomfortable to you do not sleep all the night?
I knew he was saying, subtly, that I had spent the night with Jeanine. I rolled my eyes.
- I can assure I slept enough, Uriah.
- I understand. - He blinked and took a bite of his cookie - Just enough.
We finished eating in silence, and then George walked over to the table with Tori at his side.
I did not see a so great brightness in Tori's eyes since I had known her.
- Well, Tris. - He said looking at me. - I think you already know ...
It was still strange to see people I knew within a day calling me like that in such a carefree manner.
- Yeah. - I got up from the table - Can we go now.
I follow George through narrow corridors that are full of people. Some of them wear blue uniform, some green uniform. I wonder what it mean.
- I believe it is being difficult for you. - George speaks for the first time - I mean, understand all this in such a short time.
- Yeah. - I strive to look honest - Let's say my head is spinning, but my feet still stuck to the floor.
- That's nice. It will help you to adapt. The faster you get used, the easier it will be to you to leave your old life behind and start a new one.
I frown and my face contorts into a grimace. So that's what he thinks? That I'm willing to leave my whole life behind and join me to them?
It seems absurd, but probably everyone in this place think that way.
Finally, we come to a wooden door.
George opens, and David greets us with a smile.
David's office was the simplest place I had seen in the Bureau to date.
There was only a desk with a computer and the chair in which David was sitting. Behind there was a window open, revealing a view of the gardens of the complex.
- Thank you, George. - He says in a warm voice, but that caused me cold - I believe Srt. Prior has many new things to learn.
- I'm sure, sir. I'd better leave you alone.
George goes, leaving me alone with the man who, unknowingly, was on top of my list of enemies.
- Well ... - he starts - Beatrice Prior, right?
I want to roll my eyes. As if he did not already know my name, my last name and every step I gave all my life.
- Yeah. - I say innocently.
- I see that you and your friends are adapting well to their new reality. I'm glad for that. Most people who come from experiments often have difficult moments in the beginning.
He stares at me deeply. Yes, I'm sure he's testing me, sizing me up.
- I think it's because we are young. Young people tend to have more open-minded to change.
He nods.
- Indeed. And you should know that your city was the most successful experiment that we had so far. Chicago managed to keep the peace for much longer than any other city. Despite the actions of Erudite leader, of course.
I gasp to see him talk about Jeanine. I could not to show any emotion friendly towards her. And that was probably the hardest thing I had to do.
- Jeanine wanted to kill the Divergent because she considered them dangerous to our society.
- And somehow, she was right. You were dangerous to her. To the reality of what she did not want to leave, and so, she committed atrocities. But I do not think we could expect anything else. She was a genetically damaged, after all. To our luck she's dead.
I want to wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze it until his eyes jump out, but I can just nod.
- It's amazing this thing of genetic damage. - I say looking into his eyes - I never thought Jeanine's actions were due to her genes. But now that I know the truth, it makes a lot of sense.
- Jeanine was raised and educated to be a weapon against us. Her own father prepared her for this. He used a kind of "method" created by the father of that woman you met. Angela.
I lift an eyebrow, in mock surprise.
- Angela?
- Yes. Their parents were friends, and one taught the method to the other. I have some files that can clarify it to you.
He opens the drawer, looking for something.
In the end, he shows a small old recorder, but well maintained. He leaves it on the table and looks carefully.
- Honestly, Beatrice, the world has been too unfair to you. I know from experience. I am 97% pure, and I know the envy and resentment that it can cause. I can not even imagine a 100% Pure.
- Life is never easy. - I answer looking at the recorder and him.
- Never is, it is true. Right decisions are often the most difficult. We try to make life a little easier to the impure, but there is not much we can do against nature. They can not prevent to be like they are.
- Sorry, but I think we should cut to the chase.
David looks at me with something like indifference. At that time, with blond hair and gray eyes, he looks grim and hard as stone.
- You wonder why I have talked about this. You're the only person in the world, for now, that has nothing of genetic damage. The human race fixes itself, and soon, will be born more people like you. Over time. The task of the Bureau is to work to make it happen. And for that, you must know the degeneration against which we struggle.
He takes the tape recorder in his hands.
- It's an audio. The video was censored.
He presses the buttons.
I hear, curious and while fearful, the static of the tape. Then, distant sounds, like footsteps.
"Why are we here?" Asks a child's voice.
No one answers. For a few seconds, there is only static.
"What are you doing?" Asks the same voice, curiously.
"Jeanine, please stay silent a moment." - says a tense, quiet voice.
And it is at that moment that my curiosity becomes fear.
"Why are we here Daddy? Why do not you talk to me?"
There is a click, a metallic noise.
"What is this? Take it away! I-it hurts!"
"It is for you not to move." More metallic noises "Let's start. You must to keep your face expressionless, no matter what happens, always. When you succeed, we will end."
"What?"
A strong buzz.
And then, the screaming starts.
"Stop screaming."
This doesn't happen.
"Stop screaming! This is important! Please, just do it!"
But this doesn't happen. The girl keeps screaming and screaming and the screams echo throughout the room and I want to vomit. I do not know what keeps me composed. I really do not know.
And finally, there is silence.
"Good." says the voice, now hoarse. "Do not shake your lips. Very good."
The buzz continues, but there is no other scream.
David stops the recorder.
- The damaged can't to ruin our future. That's all for what we fight. The future. - he returns the recorder to the drawer.
I can not look him in the eyes for a long time. All my forces are concentrated to contain the horror and panic that plague me.
The room is spinning and my stomach is overturned in a very strong twinge of nausea.
Jeanine.
The little girl being tortured in the audio is my Jeanine.
- Forgive me, Tris. - says David finally - I know this is revolting, and I wish it were not necessary to show it to you. But is needed you to understand what happens when you remove from a person all the compassion. You need to have full knowledge of your mission, our mission, which is precisely tear off this evil of our world. Are you willing to help us?
- Yeah. - I whisper, trying to swallow the nausea - I'm totally willing.